Holy shit has it been a long time. I have been battling myself back and forth what to do with this site, and what to do with my writing career. I would love to tell everyone on here that I have written scores of published children’s stories and all my dreams have come true. I would love to say this, but sadly I cannot. My writing just sorta….well….stalled. I was making really good progress on my children’s books but one day I just stopped writing. I don’t know why exactly I just stopped. I just remember getting settled in to start making magic when I realized there were 1000 more things I would rather be doing. I think I got so sucked into the children’s books and as a result I drifted far away from what my true identity as a writer really is. I have been going back forth with myself wondering if I should start writing again. I found my answer twenty minutes ago when I logged onto my wordpress account.
It had been sometime since I was last logged in and there had been many changes and to be honest with you I felt a bit out of place. I did notice that I had many unread comments which came as a much needed surprise. As I read through these comments I thought to myself how stupid it was of me to stop ever writing in the first place. I decided to push aside any useless task I was going to try and accomplish today, and just write.
Right now my life is surrounded with such dark clouds of uncertainty. The things I always thought were going to be in reality really are not. I am having a very difficult time coping with life and I have been discovering that my daily living activities are getting harder and harder to complete. I am all bound up in this tightly wound ball, and if I do not do something about this I may end up snapping and going nomadic. I don’t mean like bad ass ninja nomadic with their all black suits and many large sharp objects. I am talking about the scary nomad; the kind that wears white shirts and tacky ties wondering suburbia with a bible and a backpack. That thought for a brief moment made me feel a bit better.
It’s the old cliché that days feel like months, hours seem like days, and every second hurts more than the last. One of my greatest coping mechanisms has always been writing and right now I need her more than anything. So like I said I logged onto the old WordPress and decided to just go wherever my fingers may take me…. Which apparently is here?
So where exactly is here, and how is here going to affect my life? I do know for the brief moment I decided to take and write this post has helped me get through this last hour, and let me tell you this last hour was truly killer. But here I am. I am still breathing. No bible. No ninja suit. I am here. Now where I am tomorrow may be completely different. I can walk away from these certain that I will jump back on the horse and start writing about this sick twisted world seen through my eyes. I can tell you with 100% certainty that I will be starting a new blog from scratch where I can write with the safety of a pen name. I did learn from my dealings with the Nazi onSesame Streetthat writing your true feelings can come at the cost of family, but in reality that is how I have always rolled and I really don’t plan on changing now.
There are a few things going on with the various responses I have received from my family. I do not really know where to start or what to address. I pondered responding via a comment thread, but figured this avenue would be much better and hopefully clear up some misunderstandings and clarify things to those around me. I am in no way going to go off in an attacking rage, or really say anything inappropriate. Before I begin I want it to be noted that I am not sorry for the things I said about Ernie, and I will not apologize for what I said. I am aware that this obviously will ensure that we will never be invited to the family reunion, but really would we ever have been? I am going to be the same person I always have been so why would he change his mind? I heard somewhere that he was going to change his mind until I sent my F.U. email, but this is highly suspect since he didn’t change his mind in the midst of all the bullshit. This is an easy excuse for him and I am not sorry I sent it I am only sorry that I gave him a cop out.
As much as I would like to address each issue individually I am only going to clarify a few things. The first is the comments about “getting over it.” I agree with this that I should get over all the bullshit that happened in my past, and for the most part I have. Those who have talked to me would know this. Of course there are times or situations that will remind me of specific situations, and I have to re-live the emotions, but I work them out. In my early twenties I really didn’t want anything to do with anyone. I had never dealt with anything and only self medicated to ease that pain. Once I sobered up I was confronted with this shit all at once and it was to much. I hated everyone including myself, and I blamed everyone else for all my problems. Flash forward however many years, and these pains, memories, and hurt are in the past. When I brought up the Ernie thing it brought back those shitty feelings. I felt just like the little boy, who had x or y or z feelings. This is all, nothing more beyond that. The process of being rejected by a family member was enough to bring back all these feelings and emotions I thought I dealt with better. I in no way think anyone besides Ernie has rejected me.
Now to deal with who and who did not go to the cabin, at first this was painful, but time goes on and isn’t a big deal. I wanted a bit of space at first because my feelings were hurt and I didn’t want to get into it with anyone, or have the topic brought up and snap at that person. The point I was trying to make which no one seemed to understand was the cabin ordeal was the tipping of the first domino. There were many things and many feelings that happened after the cabin incident. The point I was trying to make is the cabin drama was not the end all be all it was the start of shitty things upon shitty things, that I don’t believe you know anything about.
I wanted to say my peace about the cabin and I wanted to do it on the same format in which Ernie found the backing to bar me from his property. The one thing I will not do is apologize for being me and I will not apologize on the platform I chose to express myself. This blog was highly therapeutic for me. When I was a constant writer I had an outlet to get shit out. The problem is this blog became first in my writing priority list and I needed to change that in order to focus on other shit. As for what my children may or may not think about my writing is a non-issue because the author name behind this is not my real name. If I chose to start writing in this again I would start a new blog with my pen name so there is absolutely nothing coming back to who I am or those in my life.
Lets look at family becoming just a number. When I hit the last straw that caused me to completely lose it I went back to not being able to handle my feelings which become so intense I experience pain. When I get like this my mind is consumed with ending it all. I sent a text to my family and friends and I said my peace. Once I said what needed to be said I completely cleaned out my phone. The concept of turning everyone into numbers was symbolic in my quest to cut any feelings behind these numbers. It was an attempt to work through the things I hold onto in this world that keeps me from letting go. I was in no way trying to disown anyone in my family I was trying to say goodbye and let you all know that I love you. The next day when this was not enough I went back to the plan of making everyone hate me. My logic is if I push everyone away and they hate me then if I ended it no one would care because I burnt my bridges. I think if you listen to “Hate Me” by Blue October they may say it better than I can. Let me repeat myself I was in no way DISOWNING anyone.
I cannot count the number of times I have gotten to the point of unbearable pain where I just can’t handle life. I am in one of those places right now. There are only two things that keep me chugging alone. The first is how my departure from pain will affect those I love. I use a utilitarian form of decision making. I weigh the prospects of if everyone would be better off without me or not. In my last analysis I figured that the short amount of pain that my death would cause is not as bad as the pain I would cause if I were gone. So I managed to handle that hurdle. I said my goodbyes deleted everyone and shut my phone off. I had been eating one of my pills for anxiety like it was candy. I am already prescribed one of the max doses of 3,600mg a day. In my attempt to ease my pain I was up into the 10,000 to 12,000mg range. I can’t say whether I was trying to end it all or if I was just trying to make myself numb and if in my attempt to make myself numb I accidentally overdosed than that would have been a plus. The other thing that keeps me from following through is my fear of the unknown. These two things should be no surprise to anyone because I have written about it many times over.
I feel bad over the response and feelings this has caused those that I love. I think many things were misconstrued and everyone took this small piece and made that the center issue. Because of my attempt to push those away who love me I am sure I will burn bridges to the point where relationships are un-repairable. This is the part of me that is self loathing and feels he is unworthy of love. I am not using this as an excuse for what I did just trying to say where all this comes from.
Now some may wonder where this whole thing will end up. I can’t answer that question, perhaps some of my family members have already made that choice and when the time comes for better or worse I will have to live with that. It is unfortunate that life is not a fairy tale. It is sad that we do not live in a “Family Ties” world. I know the things I have said, and I know the things I have heard over all this. I respect people’s feelings, but like my words may burn bridges so may others. Unfortunately there are some relationships that are un-repairable. This is a sad reality on both ends. This whole response is done under a pen name, but your comments are not. If you wish this to stay “private” then probably not a good idea to reply.
In response to an apology letter to Ernie that just is what it is and along with other stances and comments…….it just is what it is. I am positive there are many things and many life milestones that haven’t been visited on both sides. It is not as if I would ever think or expect you to show up for AJ graduation. Like I said it is what it is.
I know I have not hit on every point and someday would be happy to discuss if that is ever an option. My phone will be turned off more than it will be on. I do love all those in my family regardless if we have a relationships or not. I cannot deny that we are bonded by blood. We will always be united, but reality is relationships grow closer, and relationships drift apart. It is just a matter on both sides whether we choose to let those people into our lives.
Sorry I have not written in some time, but I have been entrenched in this book I am writing. I have been thinking a lot lately of what I want my identity to be. On one hand I am working towards getting my children’s books published, and on the other I write deeply personal and opinionated adult material. I know this adult writing will not lead anywhere, but I do have a small sliver of a chance with my kid’s book, and I cannot risk agents or publishers getting turned off by my adult stuff. My other concern is if I fail at my kid’s books I most definitely will need to get a different job, and can’t have this holding me back. I know Trey has told me even if I shut everything down; I am still at risk of my material coming up. I am just going to need to cross my fingers and hope for the best. I enjoy this blog, but don’t feel it is wise to keep it going. I have a handful of banked posts which I will put up, but after that I will write my final post. I have already shut down my website, and taken all my books off the market, I figure this is the next logical step to take. I do appreciate all those who took the time to read my stuff, and join in on the conversation. This has been a great experience for me.
I am going to take these last few posts to decide if I should start a new blog under a pen name, but it has taken me over a year to build up my readership I am not sure I want to start from scratch. With that said I hope you all enjoy my last few posts, and again thank you for reading.
I finished my second “Dylan Thomas” book about eight months ago. I passed it off to my illustrator, and I was expecting a release date no later than two months from that date. I am sad to say that it has not been completed. I was going to send these two books to agents in hopes I can pick one up, and eventually get signed. My wife did a ton of research and she discovered that you need multiple manuscripts to show you are not a one and done. I found this out about six months ago, and I have been unable to write another one. I have tried and tried, but I could just not do it, until about three weeks ago. I am happy to say I have finally started rolling on the next book. I am currently entrenched in this next installment, and hopefully I can finish it within the next month. If I am able to hit this deadline, then I can start the final manuscript needed to start sending this series off to agents.
Until these next two installments are finished I am not going to say too much about them, but I will say the current manuscript I am working on, and the next one lined up will be my greatest triumph if I am able to pull them off. These two manuscripts will be the ones which get me signed by an agent, then shortly after by a publisher. I am usually a glass is empty sort of thinker, but when it comes to my newest ideas for the “Dylan Thomas” series, I can honestly say without a shadow of doubt that I have never been more certain about my success.
I am set to do readings at my sons’ school for all the kindergarten classes at the end of May. I currently have one book which is completely finished, and as I stated before my illustrator was supposed to have the second one illustrated months ago. I haven’t been pushing him much, but I finally told him I needed the second one completely finished by the end of April. We were supposed to meet two weeks ago to go over his progress, but he backed out. We then set up another meet last week, and I told him that there is not enough time to do any kind of revisions so just use what you have. I just really hope he hits the April 30th deadline. If he doesn’t I am thinking of letting him go. I feel confident that these manuscripts can stand on their own without the illustrations. It is my understanding that if the writer is signed, it is not always a guarantee the artist will be signed. I have texted him twice now with no response. Nothing irritates me more than someone not responding to a texts or e-mails.
On a side note I haven’t really been able to write poetry since I finished my last book “Trapped Within My Illness.” I sent this manuscript to a publishing company, and also to one of my readers whose father is in the business. I really do not think it will get published and I am totally fine with this. I have written only a handful of poems since I finished, but nothing like the flood of poems I write when I am in a funk.
I have also thought about revisiting my idea to write the book “The Life and Mind of No One Special.” I still think it would be a good idea to write a book based off my 100 best blog posts. I also have a few other ideas which I need to add to my website. I am not really going to focus on any other projects until I finish these two manuscripts. The overall scope of what I am trying to accomplish takes a shit load of time, which I do not have enough of. I just do not want these things to take four months to complete. I so badly want them in the agent’s hands so I can fully realize my dream.
I added a poll to this site awhile back asking my readers to help me with a tattoo idea I had. I truly appreciate all those who took the time to answer. I am going to add another poll on this site asking my readers to decide if “The Life and Mind of No One Special” is a viable idea, or possibly even a book based on my “Philosophy of Quotes.” If this is helpful I may place my other ideas out there to be judged by you guys. This survey will be up by tomorrow afternoon, so please take the time to vote, so I can get a sense of if this idea has merit.
We have a highly intelligent but unmotivated fifteen year old boy, and getting him to take school seriously is damn near impossible. No matter how many times we try to sit him down and explain the far reaching consequences of not taking school seriously, he just won’t hear it. The sad part, as I mentioned before, is he is highly intelligent and if he were to just buckle down and try he would be pulling in straight A’s. I think if I knew he was not all that bright I could handle the grades he is bringing home now. The question is how do we motivate him, and get him to see that his actions now will affect him many years down the road?
We have asked him several times what he wants to do when he gets older, and he has said since the age of seven he wants to be in the military, beyond that he has no real career goals. I am sure this is normal, but you would think he could at least throw out a few different ideas. He seems to only be interested in football, working out, video games, and television/movies. I do consider us lucky that he is into these things, and not doing the horrible things I was doing at his age, but I know he can accomplish so much more than his mom and I ever could have.
We have talked to him about joining the ROTC program, where he goes to boot camp over the summer and is officially enlisted at the age of sixteen. This way he is already two years in before he even graduates. Apparently the way the program works he is able to go to college without ever being deployed. If he enjoys the service he could become a lifer and retire with full military pension and benefits. I think this could be his best road to success. If it were up to me all my kids would join the service before they head off to college.
I want the best for my children, and the last thing I want for them is to endure the struggle and stress that we have to go through due to our poor decision making. I do not want them to be thirty years old living with regrets of missed opportunities. He is only fifteen and completely unable to see the big picture which I am sure is very normal. We have tried almost everything to punish him for his poor grades, but he just adapts to the punishment and waits it out. When his grades in math and science began to slip in 7th grade, we took his games away it motivated him the first few times but after awhile it didn’t do anything. What seems to light a fire under his ass is when we do not allow him to go to weight training. We hate to use this because this is one of his healthy activities. Like most parents I just wish our words would get through to him. You always want your kids to learn from your mistakes, to take your words of wisdom to heart and believe and trust you enough that they listen so intently and perfectly. Getting a teenage boy to see how his Algebra 2 and science grades now, can affect his status and financial life in ten years is not possible.
My wife and I disagree on what steps we should take to try and rectify this problem. I believe if he continues to bring home bad grades, and continues to show an “I don’t give an F” attitude towards school, we need to bring the hammer down on him. I remember reading or listening to a show one time on parenting. The speaker was saying when you run into major issues with your children you need to “show” them all the things they have that they do not need. When you take these things away such as TV, internet, and video game privileges they will be motivated to rectify the problem so they can get their privileges back. As I mentioned earlier we have taken away his games, and this motivated him, but he quickly learned if we take the video games away he still has the television, iPod Touch, and internet. He uses these as substitutes when one is taken away. In my opinion the only way to drive the message home is to cut him off from all of these things, until he is able to right the ship. Our goal is to get him to spend more time studying so his grades can improve, but if he is allowed to continue to have these distracters in his life, he will never make it a priority to do these things.
My wife on the other hand believes that if we resort to such tactics, it will set off a chain reaction of rebellion. She also feels that even if we took these things away, because of his stubbornness he will accept the punishment, and still refuse to do the work needed. I sure I did not properly convey her exact feelings, which I hope she will clarify in the comments section.
Nicole has always taught him since a very young age, to be proud of whom you are, to not worry about pleasing others, but to stick to what you believe to be right and wrong, and to stand true to yourself. These are all wonderful lessons, but this has backfired on us, as he sure does stand true to what he believes in, “I will never use any of this stupid stuff anyway so what’s the point” damn kid.
As everyone is aware, I sent an e-mail to Satan last week (not the one I posted.) In this letter I clearly stated that Satan is to no longer use B’s sisters as bargaining chips to get B to see FF, and that under no circumstances is she allowed speaking to or seeing FF. I had this feeling all week that when Satan picked B up for their semi-monthly visit yesterday that Satan would surprised her by brining her to see FF and her sisters. So B left for her visit, and at 7pm I receive a text from Satan saying “just wanted to let you know that I brought FF and the girls to see B, and everything went fine.” The minute I read this I was consumed with such hatred and anger. I shouted out “I f’ing knew it!” I went and showed my wife the text, and we were both heated.
When B got home we asked her to come talk to us. We asked her if she knew FF was going to be there and she said no. We inquired further and asked how this whole thing came about. She said that Satan and her grandma picked her up and headed off to the Eden Prairie mall. When they got into the parking lot they told B that FF and the girls are inside and asked her if she wanted to go in and see them. At first Satan said that her grandma would take the sisters while she and FF talked to B, and that she might get to see her sisters. My daughter sat out there for 45 minutes and finally agreed as long as she was able to see her sisters the whole time, and that there is to be no talk of the past. After Satan asked FF for is permission on this, she agreed and off they went.
I am just really at a loss with this whole situation. I made it crystal clear to Satan that B is not allowed to see FF, and I feel like she did this out of spite and too show me that she can do whatever she wants. The last time I told her that B is not allowed seeing or speaking to FF; she told me “you can’t tell me what I can and can’t do on my visits.” I should have listened to my gut and just told her that B is no longer going to be allowed to go with her on visits anymore, and then we could deal with it in court. There are so many things about this situation which pisses me off, but the worst is that Satan and her grandma put B in a lose lose situation. All B wants is to see her sisters, she is sitting in the parking lot with her mom and grandma watching her waiting for her response, and her sisters are right inside. How do you put an 11 yr old child, your own daughter, in such a manipulative situation?
I am proud of B, that she told Satan that she wouldn’t go in unless she could see her sisters the whole time and that the past is not to be brought up, but she should never have been put into this situation to begin with. I am happy for B that after two and a half years she was finally able to see her sisters.
My wife thinks it is my job to stop this, to enforce my beliefs of B’s well being as her sole custody provider. She thinks I should contact the courts to find out what rights I have to enforce B not seeing FF. I think now that FF has seen B that I have nothing left to do but sit back and allow the FF/Satan family to do as they please with my daughter twice a month. This is only the beginning, now two Sunday’s a month will be spent at Satan house with FF, then it will be asking for B to spend the night Saturday nights prior to her scheduled Sunday’s , then it will be can we have B for a weekend. Then it will be Satan back in court asking for her parenting time back to every other weekend spent at their house. My wife thinks if we do not stop it now, and B has spent many of times with FF that we will have no ground to stand on. But if we stop it now we may be able to stop the snowball from rolling down the hill.
I am not sure what the proper next step to take is. I don’t know if I should not allow B to see her mom anymore. As I stated above the issue has always been that Satan was manipulating B and consistently hurting her. No matter how many times B told Satan that she wants to see her sisters, but not FF, Satan kept pushing, and dangling that carrot in front of her. Now that she has seen FF and her sisters then what am I trying to prevent? FF is going to always be on his best behavior until he realizes he can go back to mistreating her. I disagree with my wife on stopping the visits, because I would have no legs to stand on in court. It’s shitty that Satan put B into this tough situation, but I am also happy she was finally able to see her sisters. Maybe this is what I should be focusing on.
I feel we need to put to rest the issue of our daughter (B,) her sisters, and F**k Face (FF). When B was in therapy, she opened up her true feelings. She has not worrying what she would say to us or to you. From those sessions the child psychologist gave her recommendation that B should not have anything to do with FF. When we sat in front of the referee in court and he asked you what future you saw with B, you indicated you wanted to work toward more time with her and you wanted her to be part of your family including FF. Referee M clearly stated that you need to focus much of your energy on you and B, on B and her sisters, but seeing FF was not an important piece to that, furthermore referee M indicated that if you wanted to create a better relationship with B it would be in your best interest to find a therapist that specializes in reunification, then down the line possibly FF could be involved, and only if B herself ever felt comfortable.
It is unfortunate that you feel you need to control B by using one of the worst times of her life against her by forcing her to have to “patch things up” with the person who caused her so much fear and pain that she no longer wanted to live in your home. If FF had beaten her, would you still feel she should work things out with him in order to see her sisters? If FF had raped her, would you still feel she should work things out with him in order to see her sisters? But because the pain he caused her was emotional and mental, that should simply be forgotten and swept away in order to please your and FF’s wants? By telling B that she will not see her sisters until they are 18, if she does not work things out with FF, is manipulative and just as emotionally hurtful to her as the original harm. You are simply de-validating her hurt and feelings by forcing her to be around someone she truly does not want to. What if you could only see B if my wife (N) and I were there with you the whole time, would you feel comfortable with that? Or you can see B once the three of us have sat down together worked out all our differences and all became best friends, then you could see her with us there, would that feel like a good compromise for you?
I wish B had the courage to tell you her truest of feelings, but she doesn’t. It doesn’t matter how many times you tell her she can be honest with you, she has made it clear she won’t do it. She told me about her phone conversation with you on Monday, and then her talk with FF. I have made it clear to you several times that she is to have no contact with FF. B Has made it clear she wants nothing to do with FF, yet you corner her in a situation where she has no choice but to speak with him. She fears that if she told you no that you would stop coming to see her. When we were talking to B she said well I guess it kind of makes sense a little if mom wants me to see her and FF first. Hear that “IF MOM WANTS ME” not what B wants, not her needs first. If in fact FF, and you, have changed why is it still what FF wants before your daughter? If in fact he has changed so much, what exactly is the harm in B seeing her sisters once a month for 4 hours? If he in fact changed and was sorry and loved her so much why would he still keep her away from her sisters? This does not sound like a man who has changed, or a man that loves her.
The things you BOTH are doing to B does not show remorse or love, it shows something so far from those things, yet you both still do it. Letting her see her sisters is not a separation of FF and his daughters that is the reality that you have a daughter that leads a separate life, should you choose to be a part of her life, then it is HER life you are entering it is not her entering YOUR life. You may want your whole family together Satan, but in reality that is not what B wants. After I quietly listened to B tell me the whole conversation with you and then with FF I asked her one thing, I said if your sisters did not exist would you WANT to see and work things out with FF. She looked at me, smiled a bit and said well NO. I find it funny how the minute I mention taking you to court you all of a sudden want a relationship with B, after you had just written her off. I find it funny that once child support became a reality all of a sudden FF wants to talk to B. My personal opinion is if it were not for child support FF would still not want anything to do with B, and I am sure you would still be out of her life. One of my theories for why you are manipulating her in this way has nothing to do with FF being “sorry” and “loving” B, but has everything to do with child support. I have a serious question to ask you; if I agreed to no longer collect child support from you in exchange for you never seeing B again would you take it? Or if I changed it and said I will suspend child support in exchange for B being able to see her sisters, and a guarantee she would never see FF again, would you take that? This is an honest serious proposition.
B simply wants to know her sisters, I can not for the life of me, understand how you can feel it is right to keep that form her, dangle them in front of her to entice her to like your husband, that Satan is yet another example of why we are so very protective of B when it comes to all of this.
As her father and her sole physical guardian at this point in B’s life I am put in a position to make a decision, I don’t like to do this, I want B to feel like she has choices and learns how to make the right choices, but she is so easily manipulated by you and so badly wants to see her sisters that she is stuffing away all those hurt, sad, angry feelings in order to achieve this. I know this because she lets all those stuffed away feelings out to us, and we are the ones holding her for two hours while she sobs, and hurts, and hates you, and hates all of this, and worst of all hates that she was ever honest about FF, because if she had just taken it from him then none of this would have ever happened and she could see her sisters. She said something to me on Sunday that will stick with me for a very long time. She told me she hated her life. As a parent this is the worst thing you can hear coming from your child’s mouth. To me this broke my heart, but you will read this and think nothing of it, because you have only shown that you and your husband’s feelings come first and B’s last. You wonder why I have so much “hate in my heart” towards you, it is because your and FF’s actions has caused my daughter unspeakable pain. I love my children, and as a result I can hold no respect for somebody who has caused them so much suffering. As her parent I have to step in at this point and put a stop to this.
B is not allowed to be around FF at this point. Until either she attends some therapy, or we see that she and her feelings are being put first, and she is more emotionally stable on the situation. I will determine when that is based on what B shows us. It would be a very big gesture of change and love for B to be able to see her sisters once a month for 4 hours; this in no way will cause any damage to your daughter’s relationship with FF. I would assume the girls know they have a sister that lives with her dad, so seeing their sister once in a while is not some crazy emotionally harmful event; many many kids out there have the same type of family structure. If you decide that she can see the girls, please give us advanced warning of when you will bring them. If you decide that you still believe she should not see them then we will deal with that as B expresses her feelings about it. And if you decide she can not see them then I ask you, for B sake, do not discuss her sisters with her anymore, as she always comes home very upset after those discussions.
B is NOT allowed to speak to FF. You should have run that by me before you did it. If that happens again, or you continue to hang her sisters over her head in order to manipulate her, we will be going back to supervised phone conversations. If you continue to manipulate her using her sisters to see FF, then I will cut off all communication between you and her. Yes you were awarded to see B two Sundays a month and you can take me back to court, but I am sure Referee M will see your tactics for what they are. I wonder what he would think about you not letting her see her sisters for two years, after he chastised you for that very same decision. I wonder what he will say when you use her sisters as a manipulative bargaining chip in order for her to see FF, who is the last person she ever wants to see, and who her therapist and family members have stated she shouldn’t see him. I wonder what he will think when B asks you what if she doesn’t want to see FF, and your response is she will have to wait until they are 18. When she said she doesn’t want to see FF your response is “well you will just need to wait?” I no longer want to continue this merry-go-round subject, make your decision and then let’s be done with this.
As for mothers day Satan, just because you are her biological mom doesn’t mean you are the “mom” in her life. N has and always will be the mom she turns to for anything and everything. You really need to earn that title, because you tossed that away long ago when you tossed aside your daughter like trash. You know very little about her life or who she is. You are not the one holding her when she is hurting; in fact you are the one causing these hurt feelings. N has been there for all those things, and N is the one along with me who needs to console her pain caused by her own mother. N knows everything about B in every way. This is what makes a mom, and sorry but you haven’t cut it for many years. The B you see for 8 hours a month is NOT the real B.
Finally you and FF claim to be religious, but what would Jesus or God think of what you are doing to your daughter which according to things you have said or wrote was in His name. Would God/Jesus approve of your and FF’s behavior??
In August I will be getting my yearly birthday tattoo. I originally thought I may add color to the Buddha/Bonsai tree on my left arm, but now I am thinking of something much different. I came across this optical illusion last year which I thought would make a really kick ass tattoo you can check it out here http://www.kidworker.com/kidz_downloads/KidZ%20Music/illusion/illusions.htm. (It is the good/evil picture.)
Ever since I saw this picture I have been chomping at the bit to get it added to the work I already have on my body. The question is where should I get it? I have always said I would never get sleeves on my arms, but when I look at them it appears they are turning out that way. There is not much room to add individual pieces. The only options I have is to build pieces around my existing tattoos. This can really only be done with the consult of my artist. When I look at my arm I am having a really hard time trying to find a place where it will look good with my existing work.
I thought about my back where I only have one tattoo, but I just don’t think it would look very good back there. I feel like it may look out of place and off balance. I may add it back there if the good/evil was a centerpiece to a larger tattoo. Perhaps I could have an angel on the top and a demon on the bottom with them fighting for my soul in the middle. This may look good but the overall scope of the work would take a few years to finish. I have zero tattoos below my waste, and unless I decide to get a tattoo on the back of my legs this will probably remain the same. I have two tattoos on my chest, but I cannot see this tattoo idea fitting anywhere on there. I refuse to get a tattoo on my stomach or my sides because of my belly. I am confident I will one day lose my belly; at this point I will consider getting a tattoo in these areas.
This means there are only two places left to get this tattoo my neck or my front chest shoulder area. I think the front shoulder area may look good, but I am very symmetrical when it comes to my tattoos. When I got my tattoo on my wrist I had to get one on the other. Same goes for my arm or chest tattoos. I am just not sure this is the best place to put this specific piece. I would end up with anxiety and I wouldn’t be able to wait another year to get my next tattoo on the other side. This leaves my neck as the next best option.
I have always wanted a tattoo on my neck for as long as I can remember, but I have never come across something I found worthy to put in such a visible place. I feel this tattoo fits the bill as a worthy tattoo. I have showed this design to a few people without really explaining what it is and I love how some people see “good” while others see “evil,” because of this I think it is a unique idea which works out great for me. I think if I am able to get this it may end up being my favorite tattoo yet.
I have asked several people if this would make a good neck tattoo and the responses have been in favor of moving forward with this idea. I have also placed a poll on this blog asking my readers opinions on this topic. I am 98% positive this is going to be my next tattoo I just need to meet with my artist and find the best size and placing. I was really excited about the piece I got last year, but I must say I am far more excited about this idea. I think it will make a great addition to my overall work. The bad part is I need to wait four months before this can become a reality.
I wrote this post on the day I put the poll up on this blog to see my reader’s response. My wife is 100% against me getting a tattoo on my neck, so I decided to let my readers be the decision maker. The results are 37.5% say I should move forward with the neck tattoo and 62.5% say I should not. It looks like I will not be getting this tattoo on my neck. This is really okay with me because I met with my artist and we decided the best place was going down on my right forearm.
I am still very excited about this tattoo since he showed me the placing of the piece. This tattoo goes great with the existing themes I have on my body. I just need to figure out how to get my wife to agree with me so I can get the work done way before my birthday in August.
Thank you for all those who took the time to vote.