Mental Vacation
I needed to take off of work today. I have gotten to the point where I am collapsing from within. I need a weekend of meds and sleep. I hope by Monday I will be out of this slump. I hate being depressed it is truly the worst feeling. I am just so fucked. I am sad because I was going on such a long streak of happiness. Something just happened and I snapped. Yuk! I do not know what I would do without this blog. It is my mental release. I had also been on a streak of writing non-personal pieces. I do not know what is better exploring the things on my mind like philosophy, or am I better suited to just let loose with my mental malfunctions? Which one is more interesting? This blog has always been verbal vomit. I have so many things going on in my head, and this is the only way I can get it out. I feel embarrassed about my post yesterday. I thought about deleting it, but then I would be cheating myself.
I hope to find peace this weekend. I am afraid it won’t come. I am scared I am going to hit the next down level. This place is so dark and scary. It is filled with despair so painful it makes me sick. I have been walking down the stairs of sanity for the last week. I am afraid I am going to hit the basement. It is cold and lonely down their. This is where I was last year when I started writing my final words to my family. I am nowhere near wishing for the reapers touch, but it only takes one thing to push me down the stairs. I hope to watch shows this weekend and find some serenity.
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Your analogy of walking down the stairs of sanity is a very accurate and powerful way to describe your depression. I am glad you post all of your thoughts. You have made quite a few “virtual” friends and I’m sure I’m not alone when I say I find your thoughts unique and interesting and I am glad to lend support. I have experienced just a fraction of what you have but I can relate in some sense. Please reach out to someone if things do get bad. I know your family loves you and would do anything to help. If you need to go to the hospital, then so be it. At least you’ll be taken care of.
Johanna,
Unfortunately I cannot go to the hospital. I don’t think my employer would keep me if they found out I had to go to the psych ward. I also don’t go because of my kids. I am afraid they will not understand. There are about one to three times a year I get to the point where I need to be hospitalized for my symptoms, but can’t go because it is just not an option. I just have to fight through it the best I can. Thank you for your concern.
I also have that “one thing to push me down the stairs” feeling. It’s always out there waiting. In the meantime I write and watch funny shows. I try to avoid anything that I know will cause more anxiety or depression. Sometimes being around people helps me, but we all have our own unique list of stress busters. I hope you find something to enjoy this weekend. Take care of yourself.
Nancy,
Welcome to the community. I am catching up on some DVR shows, and watching football today and tomorrow. I was able to sleep for almost twelve hours last night. I figure as long as I can stay away from negativity this weekend I should be ok.
But a smiling visitor here to share the love (:, btw great design and style. “Better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad.” by Christina Georgina Rossetti.