The Philosophy of Me

The Life and Mind of no one Special

Who Would Have Thought That Ernie Was The Hitler Of Sesame Street

I left this place long ago, but felt it needed to return to the thread that weaves my stability. It’s funny how therapeutic it is to bare your soul for anyone and everyone to see, but it is also funny to witness how destructive it can be. I have been reminded of both of these dualities as of late.

When I started this blog 20 or so months ago I started it as an extension of my dream of becoming a writer. I had just recently published a poetry book, and figured having a blog would further my career by brining in new fans. As time went this blog became the glue of my sanity. Being able to say my thoughts and opinions in their truest forms helped me cope with the truth and reality of what I really am. I was warned by those around me that being so open and candid will only lead to problems, but I ignored this advice not ever imagining my thoughts and opinions would ever lead to rejection and sorrow. I should have listened to those much wiser than myself because my words, my thoughts, my feelings and my everything led to the most gut wrenching type of rejection that a human being can endure and this is the rejection by family.

Every year we have a family reunion up at my Uncle Ernie’s place and it is a grand old time. The time spent there with my family is meaningful and memorable. I hold a very thin string connection with my family and this place and this time is one of the few moments where it doesn’t feel like there is an invisible void separating us. We were unable to go last year due to finances, and we were hoping but unsure again about going this year due to the same reasons. My kids always get bummed because they enjoy going there. I found it odd how we didn’t receive an invitation last year and we didn’t receive an invitation this year. This oddity was revealed to me about a month or so ago, and this information would set off a string of events, feelings, realizations, and over all shittyness that cannot be forgotten and can never be taken back.

The reason I wasn’t receiving invitations and the reason my mom sat at my house two months ago trying to hint us away from going to the cabin was because we were not invited to this family affair. Truth be told Ernie the person who hosts the event does not want me on his property. Not only am I not wanted but I am not welcomed. I am not sure which one is worse being not welcomed or not wanted?? Not only am I not welcomed and not wanted but my wife and kids are not neither welcomed nor wanted. Needless to say this news totally fucked my emotions and fucked my mind. I am not going to go into some deep sob story of my childhood emotional trauma, but rejection by family cuts pretty fucking deep. What’s double is as a byproduct of my rejection my wife and kids were rejected.

So why may you ask were we handed down verdicts of not being wanted or welcomed or worthy of sharing in the merriment of family? Why does Ernie not want us there? The answer is my blog. Apparently my thoughts, opinions, and my struggle with mental illness were too much for Ernie to deal with. He fears that I may infect his family with my illness and beliefs. You see Ernie is a religious man a Catholic in fact and my opinions on religion deeply offended him, as well as my many other writings including my opinions on the legalization of drugs, and my struggle with MI. These things bothered him so much that he felt the need to keep over 250 of my posts and even tried to use them as proof and evidence of my blasphemy as if I was on trial. I know my thought process and my views do not fall into the social norm, but for a family member to cast me out for this and for being me is as painful now as it was when I was ten, and when I was eleven, and when I was twelve…. You get the point.

As much as I want to right now I will not spew out my feelings towards this man. The e-mail I sent to him says everything I needed to say. It was short, simple, and to the point. I should also note that when he was conversing back and forth with the family he used this e-mail as evidence and justification for his bigotry. For a man of such strong faith he completely misses the moral and ethical lessons his Holy book teaches. There is no man who can judge me. This is up to God and God alone. Judge not lest you be judged, or some shit like that. I just have one thing to say to Mr. Ernie.

You cannot produce an e-mail and some blog posts to justify you being a bigot. You are worried about me infecting your children but truth be told I am the same now as I have ever been and every time I have been up there I keep these things to myself. I have never infected them, so part of your logic is a farce. I will say this though. I would never want my children exposed to someone so close minded and judgmental. I do not want my children even exposed to the concept of bigotry let alone to be exposed to one. We may not agree on a shit load of topics, but the difference between you and me is I am not intolerant of your beliefs and ideas. I would never reject you as a person for believing differently as I do. The inquisitions died long ago… Let it go. I want you to rest comfortably knowing there is a possibility that one day I will be burning in a lake of fire and torment for eternity with lets say gay people and everyone else you are intolerant of. I would gladly suffer hanging out in hell with homosexuals and pot smokers than experiencing eternal life knowing I would have to share heaven with people like you. You are the perfect example for why people are growing away from religion. I will leave you with the same message as the e-mail I sent you…

Dear Ernie,

Go fuck yourself you narrow minded judgmental prick.

Love Tim

Now I should state that this message may be harsh and may not be mature, but when time expires I would be sick with regret not having the opportunity to say those things. I am sure there will be disapproval and anger from those in my family, but they have become numbers with no names.

This event set off a string of domino events that led to this dayWednesday July 13, 2011. The amazing undeniable truth behind dominoes is once you knock that first one down you can’t stop it and you can’t take it back.

The thought and action to start this blog and be true and honest, led to this man rejecting me in one of the cruelest ways. These two actions led to my mother standing up and defending me tooth and nail with an action of protest that spoke louder than the million dollar march. This protest led to non-protest, which led to strained and broken relationships, which led to out of control OCD, which led to failure, which led to devastation, which led to truth, which led to denial of truth, which led to acceptance.

As I said in the beginning I started this blog because I had big dreams that with the publication of my poetry book that I would become some known poet whose words and essence were read by many. I started and paid for a website to help promote my poetry and this blog. I had to accept and come to the realization that this was a pointless and futile dream. My poetry and my words never became a reality, and I had to accept and face that they never would. I accepted this nobly and just continued to write in this blog, and everything seemed grand. The audience I was writing to would get larger and larger as time passed, and it appeared in part I was accomplishing something I had set out to achieve. I would never find riches by being a blogger, but my voice would be heard.

I made the decision awhile back that I should stop writing in this blog to pursue my dream of becoming a professional writer by focusing on my children books. I managed to lie and fool myself for sometime that this dream could somehow become a reality, but in reality this is deluded. I have done nothing with my life and I have managed to accomplish more than nothing. My loved ones have always worried about me losing touch with reality. They will do what they can to point out where I am going wrong and what have you, but they did and said nothing as I pointlessly pursued this false hope of achieving something. To honestly think that I could become published is complete insanity. Did no one step in because they think “well hey at least Tim isn’t delusional.” Or “hey at least Tim can’t hurt anyone.” These people let me stew in a false reality giving me false hope. This is a cruel fucking joke! I sat here for the last few months working my ass off and pouring my dreams and aspirations into this thing. I created struggles in my life thinking this should be a priority because this could become a tool to give my family a better life. That if I was able to achieve this then all of a sudden I would be transformed from a nothing into a somebody. You know what I have finally accepted reality and truth that in the real world there is no fucking fairy tales, there is only truth. I just wish one person in my life who ever proclaimed to give a shit about me would have been honest and said “hey Tim you know what… your not really good at writing.”

The thing I find funny is I stopped writing in this blog, and I completely stopped writing poetry. I did this because of the kids books and the fear that if an agent or publisher saw this blog it would influence their decision in a negative way. I essentially sold myself out. I tried to exchange the real Tim for a better model. I have always been labeled a runner. Someone who runs away instead of dealing with things. I think I run away from excepting who and what I truly am. I do my best to wrap myself in lies, and only rarely does someone hold up a mirror and forces me to see who I really am.

Whatever done rambling on and on in a pointless dialog. I apologize for the flow of this post. I am just free writing and not really paying attention to wording and sentence structure. It felt good to drop in and be honest to myself and anyother readers I have left. The sad but unavoidable truth in life is we can never say everything that needs to be said. We come and we go leaving holes that could have only been filled with words unsaid. The only thing a person can do is to make sure they use their voice to fill as many of these holes before the journey ends. Think for a moment on something you have always wanted to say, but never did. Find the courage to say those things today. Fill that hole inside of you and inside of them so you can achieve peace. Yesterday was my liberation from things unsaid. I experienced and felt the process of death and re-birth. I felt the cancer I have left on peoples lives fade away when everyone became just a number.

July 13, 2011 - Posted by | Sorrow, Thoughts, Writing | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

10 Comments »

  1. Good to hear from you again. Sorry for what happened to you. It’s just a reminder of how we should treat others. Right back to the golden rule. Treat others as you would want to be treated. Perhaps your uncle is forgetting the main “Love one another” command from Jesus because he is fearful. He fears your views, your behavior and he has fears about his children. Fear is NOT from God. He is misguided and his fear has caused more hurt than he will ever know. Learn from this and trust God. Mere human beings will ALWAYS disappoint you, because we are human, flawed and unable to love perfectly. When there is nowhere on this earth to turn, God will always be waiting. ***Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. I pray you will find rest and peace of mind.

    Comment by Johanna | July 15, 2011 | Reply

  2. Tim,
    It’s a funny thing because even after you left the blogosphere, I continued to drop by your blog to see if just maybe you would write again. Well, here we are, aren’t we? First I want to say that I read through your entire post carefully and can say I know the feeling of being rejected by your family.

    When I was a senior in college, I was living with my grandparents (dad’s side) because my mom and step-dad were in North Carolina. My dad didn’t really have another room in his place and I couldn’t study with my little brothers running rampart. One night I invited my female cousin for a movie and she came over and we watched it. Mid-way through that movie my grandfather dropped by, said hello and went back to sleep.

    I don’t know if my grandfather was going delusional or what the circumstances were, but the next morning he came into my room yelling at me horrendous things. Things like, “I never want to see you again.” “You are a son of a bitch.” “If you weren’t my sons child I would kill you.” “Get the fuck out of my house.” The list goes on and on. I didn’t have any words to express myself, because I had done nothing wrong. LOL. I can laugh about it now, because at that time he died to me, metaphorically speaking. After his rant I asked, “What have I done?” All he could reply was, “You know what you have done.” Now, my grandfather was a die-hard conservative Cuban man, and perhaps in his mind (that may have been fleeing) he thought I had done something sinister with my cousin. After that, he told me to leave the key on the dresser and pack my stuff. No one in my family defended me. No one confronted my grandfather. They all had this fear of him like if he could never be wrong. Needless to say, I was heartbroken that my grandfather would say that to me and more so that NO ONE in my family said a word to him.

    From that time until he passed away my grandfather ignored me in all social settings like if I was not even present. He would go visit my dad, I was around, he wouldn’t even say hello to me. It ruined me for some time until I realized that in this life, you just need to grieve and move on. It still saddens me today that he passed away and we never spoke again. My other grandfather doesn’t even remember his name because his mind is completely gone as well. It took me a while to accept all the truths I learned from that one event. My family didn’t stand up for me, no one said shit. I was on my own and I knew that I would always be on my own. Even though my mother and father love me dearly, I know that as an adult now – I’m truly on my own making my own path.

    So I say to you, it sucks, hurts, and all of the above… but we are all on the same boat together. With respect to your dream of being a writer… well, let’s just say I feel exactly the same way you feel on a variety of levels. C’est la vie. Don’t let all the dreams die. Maybe you won’t be a famous poet like Whitman, but perhaps you will be famous for a niche audience that will cherish your work. Don’t let it die, just adapt.

    DPSPACEMAN

    Comment by DP | July 15, 2011 | Reply

  3. Tim,
    This blog was not only inappropriate but also not totally true. You seem to take things and distort them in your mind to fit whatever the hell is going on in your head. I do not normally respond to things on this blog because I do not believe in letting the world know your business but I can not let this pass.
    Ernie is NOT a bigot, he has strong beliefs the same as you, if you want your thoughts respected then he has the right to have his respected. You have taken a person who is private and does not agree with putting your thoughts out there and used his name! I believe that could be considered slander. This is wrong! This could have been worked out a different way. There is no going back and fixing this one. Some of the things you wrote are not true just as some of the information in previous blogs are not true. Everything is always layed out where you are the victim. You have painted a picture of your life that is only negative, you have 5 siblings that do not think the same way.
    You have rejected your family every time something does not go your way, not everyone thinks the way you do. Your sisters and myself and your wife and kids have always been there for you but one of these times you will have pushed everyone away. For all the readers out there if you have ever dealt with the pain and worry of a mentally ill person with an addictive personality you know what I am talking about.

    Comment by Vicki Furer | July 16, 2011 | Reply

  4. Dear Tim-

    Two things.

    1) Not all people who profess to love God actually do. I’d probably include Ernie in that group. Don’t let him be the standard on which YOU base your opinions.

    2) Being a writer is hard work. Its also extremely subjective. And it takes time. Being a PUBLISHED writer is a great goal, but it should not be a means to an end, and not an end in itself. It should be the icing on the cake. Maybe even just the cherry on top.
    You say you are writing to share yourself, well, then do that. You say you want to be real, be yourself? Well, then do that! Who cares what anyone else thinks-including family, friends, and publishers!
    Do you know how many people actually loath, and I mean LOATH Stephanie Meyers twilight series? A LOT. It gets parodied and picked over by everyone. However, millions more love it. Plenty of people hate Stephan King. Think he sets at home worrying about it? I doubt it.
    As a matter of fact, it might be beneficial to you to read his book on writing called, appropriately, “On Writing”. It’s a great book and not a manual or text book style read. It’s a raw, down to earth, open and funny, heart wrenchingly honest picture of his life and his writing soul. I think you’d love it. And, he uses the “F” word with freedom and presence. You’d love it. Go get it. Now. And let the Ernies of the world keep their cabins and defy them all by enjoying your life~ big hugs~

    Comment by notplanbplanb | July 16, 2011 | Reply

  5. Dear Uncle Ernie,
    Please accept my apology on behalf of my Brother Tim’s blog. Traci
    To all,
    I had originally posted a comment yesterday, however Tim decided to delete it without even reading it. Without reiterating what I originally wrote that he felt did not deserve to be acknowledged I will just say that it was once again one of those delicately worded, do not upset Tim, type of replies where I was trying to state some facts without getting him upset. Such as how he speaks so much about being rejected yet he is the greatest “rejector” in the family. Tim writes that his family, the people who love him unconditionally are just numbers to him now becasue we chose to attend the yearly, tradition, family cabin rather than getting involved in this. We meant no harm to Tim, yet he has disowned us. Ask Tim how often he goes to this “family merriment” as he called it? I can remember more times than not that he has not attended for whatever reason. You see, this is not the first time Tim has wrote me off, disowned me, and I’m most certain it is not the last. One would think it would be easier the more it happens, but truth be told it is not. I have been in tears over this whole fiasco for some time now. Not because of the cabin, but because I have been termed a # from my brother and he refuses to even give me the courtesy of a text reply.
    This comment will most likely be deleted, again, but if one person can see this before he deletes it than it is worth it. There are 6 siblings in our family, and yes, life was not always easy beans growing up. As every family goes through hard times so did ours. I would like to know how Tim was so rejected as a child? I am by no means denying that Tim has these feelings, I am just suggesting he elaborate on this. Is it because we could not afford the $75.00 shoes he wanted? Is it because Mom was having hard times with her current husband and at the time thought it best that Tim stay at Grandmas and my sister stay with a friend? Perhaps, but my Mothers choice for doing this was by no means to reject anyone, she had her reasons for this and we respect that. During this time I was the only older sibling who stayed, and Tim once told me that this is the reason why he harbors ill will towards me. I was 15 years old for Christ sakes and had no decision in this! Tim talks about how hard his life is & how no one supports him, just the fact that we did support his writing 100% yet he turned it around as a bad thing in this blog, is just an example. Tim had a special Christmas last year, we all decided to give him “the slow clap” that he so desired. Our family drove the five hours to where he lives so we could surprise him on his birthday. His wife set up the whole thing and we had a great time. I do not recall any other siblings having these “special moments” that Tim has just thrown out the window, yet somehow he is still the victim.

    I know that my Uncle Ernie and his family will drive the distance to attend my son’s graduation next year, however I question if Tim will. By no means is Ernie the type of person that Tim is claiming here. This is just another example of how Tim is, and I hate to say that.

    Brother Tim, I love you more than you know and if you do read this please know that no matter how many times you throw me out I will be here for you when you decide to let me back in as your sister.

    Comment by Traaci | July 16, 2011 | Reply

  6. the second Tim stopped being invited to the family gatherings, the second things went wrong – not his fault.

    Comment by DP | July 16, 2011 | Reply

    • Sorry DP…. This goes deeper than that.

      Comment by Traci | July 17, 2011 | Reply

  7. Tim,
    If you really want the truth and people to be straight with you then I will not deny you that request. I am very against posting personal things online for all to read since the written form can be so misinterpreted, but since you have felt comfortable posting personal things about yourself and the family then I will follow your lead just this once.

    I am not going to touch much on the whole cabin situation as I am emotionally done dealing with this issue, but I feel from day one it should have been handled differently by all parties involved and you have no right to turn your anger on your sisters because we had a difference of opinion on whether us going or not was the right choice. I am not going to sacrifice my relationship with the entire family because of a disagreement between you and Ernie, Ernie justified his decision whether he was right or wrong and you could have easily stated your side of things and you two could have worked through it, but instead you took the childish route and sent a horribly disrespectful email that not only proved Ernie right in his thoughts, but made it absolutely impossible for any of your immediate family to defend you and not look like idiots.

    Regarding you blaming all of us for your wasted time as a writer. We were not stringing you along Tim, you are a talented writer and always have been, you have a lot of potential, but you do lose touch with reality not in the sense that you aren’t good enough, but in the sense that your expectations are irrational. You have done nothing to better yourself as a writer. While you have an innate gift for written expression, to become a professional you need education, guidance and practice. You need to take creative writing classes, English classes, go to author talks and hear about their journeys, go to writers workshops and retreats. You need to gather as much knowledge as you can and use that to better your writing. You also need to send your manuscripts to legitimate publishing companies and agents, not these online bullshit money-making companies. It is also not an overnight process, it takes years to accomplish your dreams and years to produce masterpieces. Read information on famous authors I guarantee it was not an easy process for them to get off the ground. Also writing is not the field to make millions or even thousands, the odds of that are so low. People write because they love it and want to share their gift with the world and if they happen to make some money doing it that’s all the better. Your children books ideas are amazing and I truly believe you can go somewhere with them, but it will take time, perseverence and you need to employ some knowledgeable and experienced people to help you out. Do not give up on your writing if that is what you love and don’t you dare blame the people who love and have supported you for your perceived failures. I would not have spent hours editing your stories and giving my opinions if I didn’t believe in what you were doing.

    As far as you thinking your life is worthless and you have done nothing with it, you have three beautiful children, if that doesn’t make life worth something I don’t know what does. Once you have kids whatever your problems are become second to theirs, they should be your number one priority, find the joy in life in them. Do Bri and Austin read your blog? I have wondered this time after time as you have no problem writing things about them freely. Have you stopped to consider how Bri feels about your extensive writings to the world about her struggles with her mom and step dad or when Dylan grows up how he is going to feel if he googles his name and your posts come up about him being a terrible ADHD child? If I was your child and read that you think you have done nothing and life is worthless it would make me feel like shit. if you think of no one else think of your kids.

    If you still feel that void of being nothing, go help others and do something to make yourself feel worth something. this may sound corny, but I’m serious, go volunteer your time at a homeless shelter, go help rebuild Joplin, MO or Haiti, join the peace corps, help out at the soup kitchen or humane society. There are so many people in this world who are worse off than people like us can ever imagine. I know you deal with your mental illness and life is dark and horrible at times in ways you can’t describe or understand, but there are still always people worse off. You have never been deprived food or shelter, you have not had to deal with loss or lack of love in your life, you do not live in fear of being raped or killed or detained everyday. I know it is hard to put things in perspective sometimes when darkness consumes your mind, but try to think about things like that. Think of all the luxuries and good things you do have in your life, the fact that you have a warm bed to sleep in every night with someone next to you who loves you. You are only 31 you have a lot of time to pursue your dreams, you need to look at the big picture.

    In regards to your family being numbers with no names, do you think that is not hurtful to read that as your sister. You always talk of how badly we all have hurt you and how hard your life has been, do you ever, just once, stop and think how your actions and words have hurt anybody else. In a previous post you stated you seriously considered not having a relationship with me and your two younger siblings because of your relationship with our Dad. Did you think for one second what our feelings would be after reading a statement like that. I would never ever even think about not having a relationship with you for any reason, you are my brother, so to read that it may not bother you to never speak to three of your siblings again cut deep Tim. You do not have the right to pull away and come back from this family whenever you choose. If I was angry with you, didn’t allow you to say your side of things, refused to speak with you for months and then just one day decide I was fine and our relationship should be peachy again what would you do? How is that fair to anybody that you get to make all the calls? I love you Tim you are my big brother and I looked up to you for years. We were once very close in my eyes, but a person can only take so much of being pushed away, disowned (as you have done to me more than once), lied to, and bullshitted before they reach a breaking point. I usually easily forgive you and understand you struggle with things in your life, but I am done feeling sorry for you. You need to grow up, move on and stop all this self-pity, self-righteous bullshit. We all grew up in the same house, while we all dealt with different issues you are the only one in this family that can’t let go. People need to take what they can from past experiences and move on. You have been dealt a lot of crap in your life, but don’t forget you are not the only one. While I won’t state names just sit and think for a minute what some other people in this family have gone through and had to deal with, you are not the only one that has been hospitalized, you are not the only one that has dealt with some sort of abuse and honestly if you want to compare horror stories of childhood I would not say you had it the worst you just can’t leave the past to the past. You need help Tim especially if you are in a downward spiral right now. Do what you need to do to make yourself well again, but I urge you to let go of things and move on with your life. We all love you in this family and always have, but we are all tired of tiptoeing around you as to not set you off and having every single thing revolve around you and your feelings.

    I miss my big brother and have for many years. I miss our crazy philosophical conversations on everything from music to religion. I miss when I used to come over all the time and just hang out with you for hours. I miss when our family could get together for birthday parties or holidays and not have strange awkwardness and tension because of some stupid drama. I don’t blame you for everything there are many other people in this family, but you need to get help and get well and stop blaming all of us for every problem in your life. You are an adult with your own family, you need to be a role model for your children and taking responsibility for your actions, getting help for your illness and being a good father are things you should be worried about right now.

    You have had the chance to say what you needed to say and now I have had the chance to say what I needed to say. I hope you read this and truly think about some of my words. Please don’t turn this around that I don’t understand what your going through, because I do in a way, I have had my fair share of dark days in the past, we all need you to open your eyes for a minute and think maybe life isn’t that bad and maybe we do really love you and maybe you are not the only one who has been hurt through the years.

    Comment by Cailee | July 16, 2011 | Reply

  8. I don’t have any idea what’s going on, but I think I understand Tim’s situation at this moment. He and his family don’t get invited by an uncle. All Tim’s sibling’s attend the reunion. I’m speculating maybe that’s the reason ? I know it’s a game of taking sides, but he;s your brother, so you could have shown your sympathy and SOLIDARITY with him and his family by not going to the reunion, either , and letting Tim know about your decision. And then perhaps you could have given him the chance to tell you to go ahead and attend , it’s alright. He felt isolated. Well, maybe I’m wrong.

    Comment by renxkyoko | August 7, 2011 | Reply


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 117 other followers

%d bloggers like this: