Posted: May 4, 2016 in Uncategorized
There are no lies greater or more devastating than the ones we tell to ourselves. I could go one way and discuss the subconscious lies we tell ourselves to maintain social order, this would be a great philosophy post. I am going to isolate this concept to individuals who suffer some sort of mental illness.
I have experienced many of the self lies leading to rides in Crazy Land, some more tolerable than others. In the here and now the lies to try and cope with my reality is only making it worse. When I wake up in the morning and getting through the day is a living nightmare, yet I will tell myself it is impossible things will get worse… yet I said the same thing yesterday and yes indeed things can get worse. I can’t believe this lie enough anymore
For the last four days I have been trying to find the words needed for a long overdue apologie to Ernie and any family member who suffered collateral damage as a result of it.
I read this quote in a different light yesterday. I realized I needed to heed Emersons advice because I will never be able to string together words powerful enough to match my words of hurt and anger. Despite this leaving words unsaid is worse than no words at all.
There is no excuse for the way I chose to respond to this situation and I was a complete asshole to you and my family. Regardless if you agree or disagree with my beliefs, thoughts, or opinions. The truth is its your property and you have the right to say who can and cannot be there. I need to own up to the fact that regardless of the hurt I felt from being blacklisted for being me. I was the same person then as I was before I felt rejected and abandoned by my family.
All of that is irrelevant I made the decision to express my feelings on the very platform which caused this problem. I was motivated by the hurt I felt letting my anger do the writing. I was wrong and out of line to turn this problem loose on a social platform. I behaved like a 3 year old throwing a temper tantrum, who was determined to to have the final word.
I have to take ownership for the way I acted towards my family. I put them in an unfair situation by saying “it’s him or me.” I created the ripple effect of destroyed relationships. I am not expecting redemption or forgiveness I honestly don’t deserve it.
Over the last two years the self hatred towards my reflection has been a blessing and a curse. I need to understand why, how, and when this monster I see… is me.
It is hard to breathe when I see the trail of the pain, sorrow and tears left in my wake. It is important to express that I take ownership for the aftermath of the shit storm of pain and suffering I have caused to all those unfortunate enough to know me. I caused this problem, along with all the other ones. It is no one’s fault, no one to blame. To get lost in your heads believing they caused the problems is not needed.
I seem to always be shifting from one exreme to the next, as a result there are very few constants in my life. Like my shadow my suicidal ideologies follow me everywhere. I knew my fate years ago when my Alpha event was triggered, ever since then I have had to combat my fate by creating safety nets in order to stop me from setting myself free.
Since this event it has been painfully exhausting just to get through the day. My mind has made up, I knew the time, place and how I was going to quite my mind, unfortunately I missed my train, a regret I live with everyday.
I continue to try reasons and meanings to keep me here, one day I can be strong and motivated to beat this, but without fail I am quickly shown the Harsh realities of “life” to remind me of my missed opportunity. I don’t know why but I have grown weaker and weaker. The events of today, solidifies my fate.
I have been very open about my intentions hopefully this will lesson the tears when I am gone. I have been told it will not… let me go… tell me it’s okay… tell me something besides the lies you say to keep me alive
Posted: April 27, 2016 in Uncategorized
I had an interesting therapy session today, when it came time to update my treatment plan. This was supposed to be done awhile ago, but an attempted overdose followed by a psych ward stay and a crisis last week we have had to put it off. During our conversation I was as I am with anyone very straight forward on my date and my plan. When she realized using my children as a reason to stick around was no longer an option, she told me there isn’t a point in doing a new treatment plan when my mind was already made up.
She asked me why I wanted to continue therapy if my mind was already made up. I responded “so I have someone to talk to.” We went over the oxymoronic cycle of having my death planned yet still putting forth great effort to try and improve my position in life. This was a good question, and one others have asked me as well.
I explained the analogy of planting seeds. Prior to leaving for Vegas our fields had been planted with both corn and poison berries, and trying to distinguish between the two became impossible. Something wonderful happened on this trip, for the first time in my life I wanted to live, I saw hope, beauty, and possibly something greater than the nothingness of atheism. The story of this can be saved for another time, because I walked away for a moment and forgot what my point was.
So here I am in this oxymoronic duality of accepting the date and place where I will be set free, yet another side of me is hopeful that life is worth living. The scariest thing about this is hope has fucked me over time and time again. Fool me once so on and so forth, to go from hope to hopelessness is worse than being hopeless to begin with.
In the end we agreed to build off of this as part of my treatment plan. I promised to work on myself as well as my business. We found common ground in the end the loudess words were the words which went unsaid. The understanding that my time left is fleeting, if I am still here the morning after my departure date all I can hope form that day forth are days without resentment and regret for missing my flight once again.
Posted: April 8, 2016 in Uncategorized
Quote by Napoleon Hill. I don’t know how it happened but I ended up getting a second chance at continuing my tour. Life is strange, I was almost hospitalized yesterday, today is different. I am still confused and disoriented it’s all very uncomfortable.
I am again tasked with trying to complete something I am unable to complete properly. Am I setting myself up for more failure? I have to try and do this which adds the pressure to succeed.
I don’t know if I can really get my website properly done and start my you tube channel. In fact I don’t know very much or what the hell I just wrote. Being unaware of my illness is blissfully beautiful. Being aware that my mind is crumbling is pure hell. I can’t stop it and I am on the outside watching this cluster fuck unfold before my eyes.
I am going to end this post, I am just trying to write daily even if the content is horseshit. The nice thing is people can just not read it.
I do want to know how to not feel so confused and broken. My many masks seem to be falling apart I am frantically trying to put them back together so no one will see me. My masks don’t make sense because they are all parts of different masks. This simple won’t end favorably.
I need my masks to get through these shows. I need to hide behind something so people won’t see a terrified broken doll, so people won’t see my ugliness.
What’s an oxymoron is I am saying all of this in a public forum. The Alpha of My Omega is my final words and I published it. That seems fucked up to me. But it’s therapeutic so it really doesn’t matter… does it? I won’t ever know. It’s time to end this rant in which I have zero recolation on what I just wrote.
Posted: April 7, 2016 in Uncategorized
I wish I knew the answer to that question, and I don’t know. I am feeling things and hurt I haven’t felt before. They are confusing, resulting in an enigma within myself. I can’t put into words who I am and what is my purpose
Posted: April 7, 2016 in Uncategorized
The Wizard World Comic Con in St Louis was my most successful show, but the hotel charged me early then I bought a 5k bottle of diet fucking coke of all things. With my account negative and with each charge more and more fees. When I saw this I knew I wasn’t going to make it to Chicago, and that my time is ending sooner than I thought. The show went so well I was able to get my account current, yet this success was meaningless.
I had a rock solid business model which failed. My ssdi was denied, I failed my family. My final attempt to hold onto the light of hope was as pathetic as attempting to be an artist and author.
In the end my best was not good enough, and that is the Harsh Reality of life in all its ugliness. I am tired of seeing a universe of ugliness I am tired of being the ugliest of the ugliness.
Despite my efforts I woke up this morning and was forced to see the Harsh Reality of still being alive.
I cannot figure out why I feel terror when I think about writing this post. It has been so long since I have posted anything, yet so much has transpired during the hours spanning from then to now. Fuck to be honest with you time for me is irrelevant. Time seems as unstable as my mind, which comforts me.
I am currently touring with Wizard World in their artist alley. I have done two shows, and my third one will be in St. LOUIS next weekend. My first show in Cleveland was a disaster, almost stopping the dream in its track. My investor became nervous, and I knew my next show in Vegas was going to be a rough show.
The show in Vegas was never meant to make money it was about creating happy memories between Cole and I. I wanted her to remember a better me. We hit every possible road block along the way, yet we made Vegas the best show I have ever had.
I promised myself I would finish off this tour to see where we are in surviving and if this dream is a bust or not. If this fails I worked as hard as I could and tried to make something better. I figured after Vegas things were over, but I am lucky to at least do one more show. If I can’t get the crucial things done to create a strong foundation than this will fail.
I have overhauled this blog, and my goal is to have the postings organized and incorporate writing via this forum again. Trying to start a vlog to promote my Where The Visual and The Verbal Become One Collection, as well as the publication The Alpha of My Omega four part poetry series. Still trying to build complete website and continue to tour and maintain my false sanity
Posted: March 28, 2016 in Random Thoughts
Tags: Comic Con, Depression, The Random Artist, Tim Lundmark, Wizard World
Posted: September 14, 2015 in Suicide, Suicide Note
Sixteen days left until we need to be out of our house, and the prospects of successfully finding a place to live is bleak. So what will happen on the last day of September? Maybe this was the Omega I started to write about in June.
The clock continues to tick away, along with it our hopes that we will have a roof over our head. My mental health and cognitive ability is worsening with each tick tock.
One of the things all of the mental health professionals in my life are concerned with is if I have a plan, I have always told them if I were to end my life it would be impulsive. Since June I have been working on my Funeral Playlist, songs I want played at my funeral so I can speak to everyone after I am gone. My plan was once my Playlist was completed if things were not better than I would move on.
My therapist pointed out that my funeral would last forever with how many songs I have, so now I am going through and having songs I want played at my funeral and the rest to be given to anyone who attends. My plan depends on which comes first completing Playlist or when September ends and we have no where to live. If I am still being suffocated and can’t handle things than that is how I will decide if my Omega has come.
I took out a larger life insurance policy just to be safe. I try my best to focus on the positive light of The Random Artist and the future it may bring. I am so close to complete the small finishing touches and tasks to make it go live, but I can’t it’s too much. I cannot process or complete even the easiest tasks of just living, trying to connect everything to make my delusional dream a reality seems impossible.
I don’t have much left in me, and I am sorry for my weakness. Let this be documentation for future reference that I fought and tried until I couldn’t anymore, in hopes people will find understanding, or let this be documentation for future reference that I fought and made everything work.