Today has been a hellish whore, who desperately wanted me to lightly pull on deaths tool. So consumed emotions so far out of control so painful fucking wanted it to all stop. Immediately I reached for deaths tool and instead punched a fucking flat-screen so damn hard, broke my hand and the intense pain left deaths tool untethered 

Being poor

Wanting more

Cubburds bare

I wished upon a star

Even trying a rare prayer

An elephant tear

Appears filled with fear

Being poor

Children needing more

Unwaking nightmare

I promised I swore

I tried so hard to ignore 

My final wish to create my final scar

“If there is a God, the phrase that must disgust him is – holy war.”
Steve Allen

Would a Holy War really disgust God, or would he smile in approval? I suppose this may depend upon which God you believe in. I know with certainty that Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism would never teach nor condone a Holy War of any sort. This does not mean they have never known war, because the east has known many, but none of these wars to my knowledge were based off the notion their religious beliefs dictated them to go to such a war. I think this is a bit different when it comes to Christianity or the Muslim faiths.

I was talking religion with my dad awhile back, and the topic of the Quran came up, and he went on and on about how the Quran promotes violence and the killing of infidels. I immediately disagreed with him. I told him the Quran teaches peace, it is just misread by the extremists. We went back and forth on this topic and finally I told him I would read the Quran and prove him wrong. I have read various different religious texts but for some reason I have never given the Quran a detailed look. I figured this would be a great learning experience for me. I think I may have bitten off a little more than I could chew!

I kept putting this chore off because I was a bit intimidated by this daunting task I had just committed to. When I had a free minute here or there I would pick it up and skim through it. Although I must admit I couldn’t really get into it all that much. The reading was rather dry, kind of like the Old Testament. I could not put my full attention into the reading. Through the brief reading I did, I must say I found some evidence of the Quran promoting violence. These scriptures are not that vague, as to be completely misunderstood, in fact they are rather to the point.

 “Let those fight in the way of Allah who sell the life of this world for the other. Whoso fighteth in the way of Allah, be he slain or be he victorious, on him We shall bestow a vast reward.” Quran 4:74

“I will cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. Therefore strike off their heads and strike off every fingertip of them” Quran 8:12

 “If thou comest on them in the war, deal with them so as to strike fear in those who are behind them, that haply they may remember.”Quran 8:57

“O you who believe! fight those of the unbelievers who are near to you and let them find in you hardness.” Quran 9:123

In my research I had found a total of 109 verses in the Quran calling Muslims to war against non-believers. I am certain if you read these verses and considered them in the historical context of the writings, these verses may mean something completely different. This however is not the point, what matters is how current day Muslims would consider these, and many other verses, would apply today. This then got me thinking about Christians and their stance on war against non-believers. The Bible is just as guilty as the Quran, as it promotes violence against those who believe differently. I included some verses I have come across in the Bible. I know Trey (The Rambling Taoist) could offer many other examples.

“The LORD said to Moses, “Take vengeance on the Midianites for the Israelites. After that, you will be gathered to your people.”  So Moses said to the people, “Arm some of your men to go to war against the Midianites and to carry out the LORD’s vengeance on them.” Numbers Chapter 31 Verse 1-3

“The LORD is a warrior; the LORD is his name.” Exodus 15:3

“I tell you that to everyone who has, more shall be given, but from the one who does not have, even what he does have shall be taken away. But these enemies of mine, who did not want me to reign over them, bring them here and slay them in my presence. Luke 19:26-27 **Note this was Jesus speaking**

Also, in Deuteronomy Chapter 13 verses 6-16, God is instructing his believers to go out on a murdering spree killing all those who worship any one but him. The verse is rather long, so if you are interested I encourage you to check it out. I think within these few verses you get the feeling that both the Bible and the Quran do not always teach peace. Both God and Allah are jealous and vengeful towards those who believe differently. In the wrong hands these few verses can and do lead to “justifiable” Holy Wars. I am not sure I believe the God of the Quran or the God of the Bible would be disgusted with a Holy War, possibly they would encourage one if it meant that in the end the survivors believed in Him and Him alone.

 

Sorry for the repost

I was looking at myself in the mirror today hoping my reflection had changed by seeing this changed reflection I may be able to not see the ugliness I try to deny and lie to myself and everyone else I don’t even recognize when I am looking at I don’t know if it’s even me the window to my soul lonely and lifeless I wonder if this is my vision of the future who the fuck knows certainly not this joker in the mirror

I apologize for the lack of punctuation in this post. I am trying to use talk to text, because my mind runs a million miles a second and I can rarely keep up which hinders my number of posts.

I have a question for my readers which I would love feedback about. I have been told I should start a vlog or podcast of my fucked up ramblings. After people hear me go on and on about Random shit jumping around from one topic to another I always think to myself I wish I had used this material as a post but all is quickly forgotten.

Should I try vloging or start up a podcast?

“Every intelligent individual wants to know what makes him tick, and yet is at once fascinated and frustrated by the fact that oneself is the most difficult of all things to know.” – Alan Watts

I don’t know who I really am. In fact I don’t even know how to describe where I am at this exact moment. My mind is foggy… just as Venus is trapped in a reverse green house effect. My intelligence and cognitive functioning gets trapped in the atmosphere, there is no reprieve from suffering, trapped and unable to escape.

In time everything is cooked. Water evaporates with nowhere to go. Gases formed toxicity of death. Mymind is Venus’s mirror the history of our solar system being replayed and recreated within my mind. A reverse Greenhouse effect of the psyche. Everything’s chaotic so many intense feelings, emotions, and just fucking everything.

Where once Venus supported life, my mind as well promoted life by feeling all this hurt and pain purged from my mind and released into the empty space of passing and forgotten thoughts. The chaotic intensity so vivid and crazy is unable to escaped. Trapping the madness and depression cooking my very being, evaporating hope and happiness with only chaotic Insanity. Rational gases of Doubt anxiety fear sadness take over my mental planets the ability to verbalize or explain, the ability to ask for help to be happy to have hope is just as trapped. I am toxic and just as lifeless… as Venus

I have heard this phrase from many people when it comes to my writings about suicide. I agree with them 100% And Believe Me I would love nothing more then too no longer be. My issue is as it always has been, how will my Suicide effect my family. That alone has been my safety net. I have a plan I have a date this makes me comfortable because its the only thing i feel i can control. Before my date I owe it to my family to make sure I am doing everything I can to make myself mentally healthy. I will continue to try as hard as I can to want to live.

Writing about my troubled feelings is cathartic and helps me deal with and process my feelings. I apologize if some of my writings contain suicidal ideologies and for those who get annoyed because i dont just shut up and do it, if things continue to get worse than you will have your wush. Frankly when it comes down to it if you don’t like what I’m saying then stop reading my fucking shit.

Jean-Jacques Rousseau
Still working on trying to write the perfect post, causing paralysis. I have found a way to continue writing… I call it ‘Black Out Journaling. I can never recall what I just wrote, when I go back and read them, it’s as if I am reading it for the first time.

I have never feared confessional writing, it’s my only gift. Yet I fear posting any black out entry’s. No more, in order to stay true to myself, I am adding a new series of entries categorized as black out Journaling, and will periodically re-post past entries to complete my project of making it easier to search for specific series.

Mindless Journaling

Posted: June 20, 2016 in Uncategorized

I’m used to being sick at least in the mental sort of way but there’s always been some sort of Outlet for my craziness to be for lack of a better word tunneled in the healthiest way to avoid this I have nothing to focus this crazy onto accept myself it’s a fucking nightmare fucking nightmare. I am in a new kind of darkness, the kind of darkness where people never get out. I don’t like it here.

Cognitive Dissonance

Posted: June 1, 2016 in Uncategorized

I have lived with my mental illness long enough to accept and try to understand. I don’t understand what makes people what they are or how they’re defined beyond our social roles. I don’t understand fully what makes me… me the one thing I do know is I Can See Clearly when I start mentally declining I’m cognitively aware and can see this decline and the destruction it brings but I am helpless to stop it often times in therapy or in the hospital I wanted the bliss of ignorance. If I no longer believed in insanity would I no longer be insane? I think that is being blissfully unaware now as my mind has grown closer and closer and closer Devine blissfully unaware

My intelligence and thirst for knowledge is the only part of me I do not hate. Losing the ability to properly use the only good in me is terrifying. To completely lose touch with any rational reality, where dreams and reality begin to blur. I knew it was only a matter of time before my fractured and fragmented mind would take away the only good in me.

Funeral Playlists

Posted: May 31, 2016 in Uncategorized

A thought came to me during one of my darkest days, I wanted to create my own funeral playlist. This particular thought was not a revelation it is a fleeting thought I have had many times before, but for some reason this went beyond fleeting. I was fixated on finally creatung this crucial task. I felt that beyond the words in my books, this playlist would be my grandfinally.

I listened through all my songs quickly adding any song that spoke to me. Once this initial playlist was complete I went back and listened to each song, I took out any song which didn’t fit.

The strongest anchor forcing me to fight for life are leaving behind words or feelings unsaid; I have tried my best to explain my pain hoping the ones I love would sign off on this. Every song on my funeral playlist is a message, explanation, or words of farewell. Knowing my brain functions differently than most, I have always gone back and forth on playing the song along with its meaning. I wasn’t sure which would be better writing the posts and schedule a future date for people to read, but this seems cruel. As long as my mind allows it I may post the most important ones on another day.