I avoid mirrors, I simply can’t handle seeing my own reflection. I naturally have a difficult time making eye contact with anyone, fearing they will see through my mask. The rare moments I make eye contact with the man in the Mirror I grow weary and this is what came out.

My faces of evil

Cleverly hidden 

My eyes…

The window into a voidless darkness…

Soulless 

Stare too long and he takes you away

“Grab my hand”

“I will take this pain away”

“Follow me into the shadows”

“Fear not of voided thoughts”

“Shed no tears”

“We have lived beyond our years”

“Trust in me”

“To take the pain away”

Behind my children’s eyes
They weep, they cry
Standing by while flowers die
No hope upon this stage
Locked away in my cage
They cry
Regardless of our futile tries
Seeing their eyes
Hearing their cries
Inside I slowly die
To know their pain
Daddy has gone insane
To be the cause, attacking with verbal claws
Suddenly I pause
Realizing a life of lies
Failed tries
All the things which bring tears to their eyes
The fractured parts lay bare to see
Hating myself for being me
With holy sighs
Wishing I couldn’t hear my children’s cries
Stop their tears
Ease all fears
The lies
The fights
Fucking sleepless nights
The lies
Sorrow in their eyes 

The Darkness Wins Again

Posted: May 1, 2017 in Uncategorized

My mind is in a cyclcycal state of desolate, stranded on an island without a raft. When the darkness returned, it had been so long since we last crossed paths as if I never knew you before. Yet your touch… so familiar. Your in my mind, cold grasp upon my soul. I attempt to scream “Be gone vile demon!” Yet the words won’t come out. 

Religion means nothing in deaths mind. Once he comes for you he doesn’t turn back. I shall hide in my dreams staying unaware of reality lost. If he penetrates my Sanctuary our only option is to take his hand as we cross the river of Lost Souls.

Deaths hand springs forth calming fears. His cold comes with comfort. Reaching my final resting place an empty Island were Souls eternity in my never-ending nightmare resting alone.

What I am about to write may be scattered and disorganized, but I need to recap the events prior to writing this. In an attempt to stay grounded and lesson the confusion I took notes along the way.

I couldn’t sleep last night, I took more than enough sedatives but still was unable to sleep. I had a physical this morning so I could get the ok from my doctor stating I am physically able to go through ECT treatments. I cannot recall much of last night not because of all the medicine I took to be honest it didn’t even phase me. I got lost in the dread of having to go to my physical because it’s not a part of my routine. 

On my way to my appointment I started to get sick, light headed, nauseous, skin burning, and my mind slowly shutting down. There was construction going on in the parking lot meaning I couldn’t Park in my normal spot I became sicker my panic grew stronger I checked into my appointment at this point I had my notebook in hand jotting down things going on around me because I knew I wouldn’t remember.

When I saw my doctor I explained why I was there to have a physical to be cleared to receive ECT treatments we engaged in conversation which I do not recall Beyond the scribbled notes in my book I got my flu shot then was sent to get my labs while I was waiting the doctor called the lab area and asked me to go back to see her she was concerned about something and then this person named Katie I think was there and I was talking to her and then for some reason I have an appointment with her tomorrow I think she’s a social worker when we were done I asked what should I do now and they said I was done so I left.

Going through my check-off sheet I did not get my blood drawn which I was supposed to do but now I see this person tomorrow I made sure I wrote it down.

My head is swimming just trying to make sense anything really trying to make sense so I don’t get lost in the fear of confusion this is very difficult for me because my mind my intelligence my ability to use my intelligence is not there and I don’t understand it don’t understand who I am or how I got here. 

I don’t even recognize the reflection in the mirror to go even further I don’t recognize my mind. It is seriously fucked up how much of who I am is no longer who I am. It is fucked up how not that long ago I was able to do complex data analytics without using analytical software, now I have a hard time processing the steps to do basic shit a child could do without a problem. 

This is by far the worst part of this entire shit show. I can handle the depression, anxiety, suicidal ideologies, and all sorts of fucked up broken fragmentation. Because throughout all of that I was still able to tap into my intelligence and cognitive functioning properly. The only good quality in me is gone. I don’t know how to accept this. 

For all the minds that were threatened by darkness, and the darkness sweapt over him and the darkness overwhelmed him stabbing at his mind seeking to seduce him with promises and lies.

BUT he knew the hollowness of such promise. He knew the path they led to and as his flesh was burned and torn by the darkness in its rage. His heart proved unassailable and when the darkness was fully about him, sank deep into his body. He blazed forth with the power within him burning with a pure clear light burning with true purpose. The darkness shrieked and the darkness burned.

And in the end was nothing.

  • This is a small portion taken from the ten pages of Blackout Writing I found in front of me after two hours of lost time. I am having trouble finding a consistent title to identify the posts written during lost time/Blackout periods. 
  • My other dilemma is whether to include the entire unedited entry. My Blackout Writing is chaotic, cryptic, and scattered. The entire entry is so scattered it doesn’t seem to make sense at the time, but then it does. Weird

I am going to briefly explain three scenarios, as the reader it’s important to remain in the logical mind using the facts to answer a question regarding moral and ethical decision making. There are numerous philosophical doctrines one can use to aid them in making ethical decisions. In order to keep this as simplistic as possible I am going to use Kant’s categorical imperative as our moral compass. When faced with a moral or ethical dilemma is the answer as black and white as in Kant’s categorical imperative, or does morality exist in a subjectively grey area determined by praxeology? 

Let’s examine three ethical dilemmas:

A.) Stealing

B.) Lying 

C.) Murder

I know there are multiple facets and complexitys to Immanuel Kant’s categorical imperative, but to keep it simple let’s focus on the question is it ok for someone to steal, lie, or murder you? I imagine our answer would be no, therefore stealing, lying, and murder is universally wrong. In its simplicity there are no variables to alter or justify this outcome. 

When looking at these dilemmas using decision analysis any variable added creates an action axiom where “If a condition holds, then the following should be done.” Decision analysis is based on the maximum expected utility (MEU) action axiom. The action-axiom is the basis of praxeology, and it is the basic proposition that all humans purposefully utilize means over a period of time in order to achieve desired ends. 

Using these two options is morality as black and white as Kant’s categorical imperative, or is it possible that all moral and ethical decisions exist in a grey area where the difference between right and wrong is subjective depending on the situation. Let’s see what happens when variables are added to our three examples.

  • A.) Stealing in order to feed your family. In this scenario does the categorical imperative trump the action axiom?
  • B.) Your partner asks you if their outfit makes them look fat. Are you morally obligated to answer “yes” or would you use praxeology to determine your answer.
  • C.) Due to the nature and complexity of our final example it requires more detailed information than the other two. 

    I apologize if the details are vague so try to stay with me in your logical mind looking at just the facts. 

    Gary is an “associate” of an organized crime syndicate. Gary did or didn’t do something bad enough to warrent a $5k contract on his life. The moment it was decided Gary had to go his fate has been sealed and Gary is a Deadman walking. His end is as unavoidable as our own, so does the means to his end matter? I am going to use a similar variable as the first scenario. What if the future well being of your family is so bleak you are unable to even meet any of Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs.

     The only option in front of you is to accept the 5k and murder Gary. You are just the means to his end, if you didn’t do it someone else would. We can deduce that Gary willing chose to be a part of a criminal organization, therefore accepted the risks associated with his line or work. Gary’s life ended long before the trigger was pulled. Despite my foggy mind and poorly explained variables, where do you stand when faced with being the means to end an already condemned man’s life to save your family.

    Oh sweet religion, the only concept where you are praised for delusional thinking. So delusional you become detached from logic and reasoning. This is followed by encouraging an entire group of like minded delusional thinkers to plan one day a week where they can all go to a building built on a foundation of pure insanity. What happens within those walls is what makes religion stand alone as man’s most destructive creations. 

    I have come a long way from the days of intensely trying to save all of these poor delusional people before they cause any further damage. I am more open minded and speak softly during discussions on theology. I came across this quote a few days ago, and it has been bothering me to the point where I have to get into the always risky “I don’t give a fuck what I say next” delusional writing. 

    To be completely honest with you I sometimes wish I could be delusional enough to have what they call “Faith.” Over the last year I have tried to find faith… it’s always a star which is just out of reach. 

    There are so many places to go with this, but I am in no shape to write intellectually here, so Google “The Problem of Evil” Please remove any abd all delusional thinking and read to understand, use logic to guide you. 

    This is great it saves me the time and energy and places it on your shoulders. Stay delusional, or become enlightened. 

    Where Have All The Flowers Gone?

    Posted: September 3, 2016 in Death, Depression

    WARNING This post has absolutely nothing to do with flowers, Peter, Paul, or Mary beyond their song getting stuck in my head while I am searching for the proper title of this post. You have been warned.

    Take out the flowers and insert the posts and I thought it was a clever title considering the direction things were going and then just… Nothing. 

    I am not narcissistic enough to think my regular readers arw losing sleep because of this silence, so this is more for me than anything. 

    Lesson learned trying to be considerate whilst committing what I have been told is the most selfish of all acts is a bad idea. I have created this singularity around my suicidal ideologies, tendencies and what the probability is of me taking my own life. I discovered this singularity during my recent stay in the psych ward. 

    People were worried and concerned on how serious this was due to red flag actions. I did my best and played my part as the boy who has called wolf one to many times to minimize alarm. Sadly to say one person wasn’t willing to take such a gamble. As a result my depressing clothes were replaced with the scrubs to identify the mentally ill. 

    I did my time then changed from my scrubs into my depressing wardrobe and sent back into the post-apocalyptic reality which happily replaces my Depression with colorful scrubs and socks. 

    The trajectory of the planet as it orbits it’s star is consistent predictable and the outcome will always be the same. Unfortunately my trajectory like the planet is… the same. 

    Now I have been given the gift of seeing the sun rise another day. The best example I can think of at the moment is waking up to see the real Vegas after the sun covered the sins created the night before. 

    Video  —  Posted: August 26, 2016 in Finalized Funeral Playlist

    Audio  —  Posted: August 26, 2016 in Finalized Funeral Playlist, Fuck Life
    Tags: , , , , , , ,