Many people suffer from pain, whether it comes in the form of emotional or physical. This pain can range from periodic, sudden, or chronic, I would like to focus on the latter in the form of mental illness. Chronic pain is the most debilitating pain anyone can feel, because it never goes away. No matter how hard you try it is there. An individual can fall and break their leg, and be in excruciating pain, or suffer from a migraine here and there. I am in no way trying to marginalize the level of pain they are feeling, but it will pass, it will heal. Chronic pain is persistent; always in the back of the mind of those who are suffering.

For those of us who experience chronic suffering in the form of a mental illness; it is unrelenting and a daily torture. It is there when you go to bed and welcomes you, when you awake. You may be able to find a temporary fix, but in the end it always resurfaces. How does one cope with such a thing? How do we muster the strength knowing you will suffer another day? The answer to that can really only be answered on an individual basis, because only the individual knows the level of suffering they can endure. What works for one person may not work for the next. It is a lonely condition because no one can truly relate or understand your suffering.

I have lived with such suffering, going on 25 years now. This suffering has shown many faces over the years, the only combining factor is its consistency. I blame no one, yet blame everyone. I have everything, yet possess nothing. I am behind my wall, yet exposed to the world. I sabotage the good in my life, yet build a home for the bad. It is hard to have so much to be grateful for, but the inability to see it. I am unsure if this is the proper forum to go much deeper on a personal level, although it may be the only forum.

The darkness that we find ourselves in is vast and unremitting, a horizon of darkness with no glimmer of light. Most of the time you find yourself lost; dead to the world. Every movement of everyday takes all your strength to smile through it. Trapped insight you depend on your pills to bring you a cure, a cure that never comes. You then pray for relief, prayers that are rarely answered. You get sick and tired of being sick and tired, yet find yourself stumbling through another day. What is the motivation that keeps us going? For me; I get up five days a week, and go to work, because I know my wife and children depend on me to bring home a paycheck; without it they would be lost.    

Many people find happiness, and they are able to see that ray of light, only to be shoved into despair, and shrouded within the darkness. Many people chase those moments, geeking out for their next fix of relief. Many people reach out to loved ones, only to fine empty arms. Many people choose to self medicate, only to find the devil comes with a price. Many people hide afraid to show themselves to the world, so they can avoid the labels and scrutiny, choosing to suffer in silence. Many people seek love and understanding, only to find that bridge has been burned long ago. Many people give up, finding peace in bloody veins, or the finger twitch on the trigger. The ones who survive; are either afraid of the unknown properties death brings, or are concerned more about their loved ones then themselves. Today I choose to be selfless; tomorrow I may not be so strong.

  1. As you know, I suffer from chronic physical pain from fibromyalgia (among other things) and chronic strangeness from autism. The way I have come to deal with my pain/strangeness simply is to accept it for what it is. For better or worse, it defines my life.

    Since it IS my life, I no longer pine for the day when it isn’t there. I no longer chase the ghosts of what my life might have been otherwise. By not seeking what is not and will never be, in a manner of speaking, I have freed myself from stressful longings.

    I’m not suggesting this tack would work for you, but it certainly has worked for me…for the most part.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      It was only recently I accepted my illness for what it is. There are times I hate it and wallow in self pity, but for the most part I know I am sick, and because of this illness I am limited in things I can do. It feels better when I accept my limitations. The e-mail you sent me opened my eyes for accepting my limitations, easy to say harder to live it on a daily basis. I must ask again this was a post I edited from January. Do you get an e-mail every time I edit a post?

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