Last night I was looking at pictures of my younger sister’s newborn baby on Facebook. As I went from one picture to the next I was feeling a sense of joy, from seeing her first-born child. My emotions turned upside down when a picture of her father holding Lily popped up. Seeing a picture of the man who tormented me for so many years was a bit shocking, many emotions welled up inside me ranging from hate to sympathy. I laid on the couch, and an urge came to text my sister, and ask for my estranged step-fathers number. Shortly thereafter I received his number, and programmed it into my phone. It was too late to call him, so I decided to what until tomorrow to make the call. I woke up this morning, and felt trepidation mixed with excitement to make the call. I waited and waited filled with nerves I haven’t felt in many years. I finally built up the courage to call around 4:30pm. I think a little background information is in order, before I continue this story.

My mother and father divorced when I was very young, maybe two or three I really don’t remember. Shortly after the divorce my mother met Sam; I was young when they first got together so I really do not recall their early relationship, or what it was like living with him. I am sure he was nice and charming, for if he treated us kids the way he did later in life I cannot fathom why she would have stayed with him.

My earliest memory, of when things started to go horribly wrong was around eight years old. We moved into a new house, by this time my mom and Sam had already had two children together. The house we moved into was two levels, my sisters and I slept in the basement, while my mom, Sam, and their two young children slept upstairs. It was not until I got much older; I realized the true symbolism of this separation. The following years were filled with living in utter fear, I am not going to go into detail on this subject. The psychological pain is far too much to have to re-live.

My mom had many fights with Sam over the way he treated my older sisters and I. She started to notice this type of environment was unhealthy. She wanted to protect me, but was in a lose-lose situation so in In 5th grade I was sent to live with my Grandma. I lasted there for a year before my behaviors’ became too much for her to handle. I was then sent to live with my father and his abusive alcoholic wife for nine months before she got drunk and kicked me out. The whole time I was living there my father did nothing to protect me.

With nowhere else to go I was sent back to my moms. I did not know which was worse; dealing with the sadistic shit at my dad’s or the sadistic shit at my moms. I stayed with my mom for I think two years, before I was sent off to live with my sister, then back with dad, back with sister, back with mom, kicked out nowhere to go ended up with friend, then finally I found some stability when my best friend’s parents took me in. The three years I lived there, ended up being the most stable years of my childhood.

The things that my step-father did to me at such a young age, I would not wish on my worst enemy. The verbal abuse was intense, the physical threats were terrifying, and the emotional damage I carry to this day… devastating. Regardless of my deep seeded fear of this man, all I really wanted was his acceptance. I tried so hard to find a common bond, and hear from him just once how he was proud of me.

My father was in and out of my life, so for better or worse he was my father figure, and like any child I only wanted his love and affection. These are things I would never receive, instead I would be told consistently how big of a piece of shit I was, and how I would amount to nothing just like my father. His psychological abuse was so bad, that past 8pm I would fear leaving my room so much, that If I needed to use the bathroom I would piss in a bottle. I was 16 at the time. After the last time I was kicked out I did not have much contact with Sam, I would have panic attacks the times I went to go visit my mom and he would not say a word to me. I would have panic attacks anytime I would call her and he answered the phone.

When I was 19 my mom, Sam and my younger siblings moved to Northern Minnesota; from then on I saw very little of them. I would have brief chats with Sam if I called and he answered, or the few times I visited up there. A few years back my mother finally wised up and divorced him, after gambling away hundreds of thousands dollars and making her life hell she finally had enough. It has taken me years to totally forgive my mother, and to actually want to have a real relationship with her and his children. I didn’t realize my mother always had my best interests in mind, and she did everything to protect me.

The times I have gone up to visit my mom, I always think about stopping by to see him, or from time to time give him a call. I never followed through with it until today. I figured if I called him and said that I have a beautiful wife and three wonderful children, a house with nice things in it, and just had a book published, maybe I would finally hear him say he was proud of me. I may finally gain his approval, and in that put many demons to rest.

I should defiantly lower my expectations in life. When I called and told him it was me, his response was “ya so” I didn’t know how to respond to that, so I tried to do some small talk. He was a complete asshole to me, he said that he hates my generation; he said that if he would have called his mom after all that time of not talking to her she would have hung up on him. I apologized for calling, and said it won’t happen again. He said good and hung up. In that instant I was left feeling like the scared, rejected, pathetic child I am.

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Comments
  1. Melissa Moir says:

    intense bedtime reading!

  2. One of life’s great lessons is that we can’t control how other people think, behave and act. I know it’s difficult, but the best suggestion I can offer is to let go. Let go of the pain. Let go of the anger. Let him keep it. Free yourself of it.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Rambling,
      I am very much influenced by others opinions. I attribute this to my low self-esteem. I think because he was around more than my dad I desperatly wanted his approval. I honestly think he got off on how he treated me, and this was one last chance to hurt me.

  3. Hailey Nicole Merriman says:

    Hi

  4. Hailey Nicole Merriman says:

    Hello(: My name is Hailey Merriman, I’m 17 years old. This week has been life changing for me. I’ve gone through my life this far living but, as bearly as possible. See when your hearts devoted since it began to beat you want make sure every stone in ‘the path’ is on the right side. My mother had me when she was 19. My biological father was 17. My parents were together when i was born. i think my fathers childhood and fear of being so young and aad is what t. urned him to alcohol at just 18. Within a year of our new family my mother was so drained in cleaning up after and workijg for attention from a drunk man she decided to go.

  5. Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems as
    though you relied on the video to make your point.
    You definitely know what youre talking about, why waste your intelligence on just posting videos
    to your site when you could be giving us something enlightening to read?

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