The Joy of Aging and Being Fat

Posted: March 16, 2010 in Uncategorized
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I turned thirty in August 2009, the occasion was not met with enthusiasm. My wife gave me the best birthday present a custom designed tattoo which I love, but the concept of thirty bothers me. I still can’t shake the fact my life is half over. I am a smoker and I chew so I do not anticipate living past sixty in fact I would be surprised if I even make fifty-five.

When I hit thirty I was confronted with the realization of my own mortality. I am not okay with this concept. I already suffer from hypochondria, I feel like I am consumed with diseases all the time. The jump from 29-30 is just a really strange feeling. Logically there is no difference, but psychologically I have one foot in the grave. I have noticed different things I did not have when I was younger.

When I was younger I could stay up all night drinking and what not, then only get two hours of sleep, wake up and be perfectly fine functioning the next day. The few times I have tried staying up drinking and what not, the next day is torture. On work nights if I am not sleeping by 10pm I will suffer the next day.

There are pains which come along with getting older. I have been dealing with knee pain for many years. I had knee surgery on my right knee a few years back. The doctor informed me eventually I will have bad knee problems. My knees always hurt, but I have just grown a tolerance for the pain, last year they started hurting more than usual. I went to a knee doctor, he said something about something gave me a shot of cortisone. In a few days I had some relief. That pain is coming back, I realized I just need to except I am getting older, and this comes with the territory. I just need to accept it.

I am also fat and out of shape, I definitely would not date me. When I was younger I was skinny with muscle. The problem I was to skinny, I looked like my lifestyle. I would not have dated myself. When I was twenty, I had just moved in with my future wife. She had a younger son, and her son had a Superman Halloween costume. I was stoned, and figured it would be funny to put it on and pose for a picture… my wife still has that picture and threatens to post it on Facebook. I fit into a three-year olds Halloween costume, that is how scrawny I was. I want to note the costume did stretch!!

When I was 22 or 23, I stopped self medicating myself. When I stopped using everyday my mental illness came out, and I was filled with medication. This medication caused me to balloon up. I weighed 145 when I started taking the medication, and I went up to 225. This was a dramatic change. My body became broader, so I carried the weight well, except for my belly.

I have tried to lose the weight many times. The best I was able to achieve was 160. I was eating right and working out. My muscles were tone and I went down to a size 34. I felt good about my appearance for the first time in a long time. I had energy and confidence. I managed to quit smoking and chewing which added to my health. When you are older it takes a ton of work to stay in shape. I could not stay motivated on a regular basis, nor did I have the self-discipline to eat healthy. The result was gaining the weight back. I am now at 185 and my confidence and energy are at an all-time low.

I will not let my wife see me with my shirt off. I understand I have control over this, I can change these things. I lack self-control, and because of my smoking I get winded just walking up stairs. I have grown complacent with the situation, and just except I am a fatty. I think my age has something to do with that as well. It is all very depressing, but what are you going to do. You are who you are, and you need to love yourself. I just find that concept difficult.


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