Feel Through It… I Don’t Think So

Posted: April 8, 2010 in Blog, Blogging, Coping, Depression, Grief, Journal, Life, Pain, Personal, Sadness, Sorrow
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Sadness is a hard feeling to deal with, it is one I choose not to partner with. I learned emotions should not be expressed, because it shows weakness. I have no idea where this lesson was learned, but it is engrained in my inner workings. I have learned anger is a much easier emotion to feel, but destructive if expressed. I find peace within this emotion because it masks my true feelings, which are more painful to deal with.

The last few weeks I have tried my hardest to seek comfort in anger, I am unable to achieve this. I am able to channel it for a fleeting moment or two, this is fleeting sadness creeps back in. I have tried to stuff these feelings deep inside. This worked for a while, but the last four days it has exploded.

I am sick to my stomach all day, and I am unable to eat. I am scattered brained, and I am unable to focus on tasks. I have been unable to shed this sadness  with tears, so that cleansing feeling is out of my grasp. This feeling is so much worse than your typical episode of depression. It goes so much deeper, so much more complex. I just reach for straws, which are not really there. I can usually find relief in Madden, but the last two days I can not even bring myself to actually play.

I have been able to write poetry again, since I published my book my mind has been blocked unable to find creativity. I have had intense desires to run back into the soothing arms of drugs. I have not had these feelings for years. I know all to well the outcome of giving into these urges. I remind myself of that consistently throughout the day.

It is hard to feel through these feelings. I do not want to burden people with my problems. It is one thing to feel the way I do, speaking it only makes it that much more real.

  1. sckgrl says:

    Well, I don’t have anything smart to say…
    But, I do want you to know that I understand depression and how deep it can go. I understand living your life one way(I’m happy the sky is blue today!) and ultimately feeling another way (Why can’t it just be raining)…

    I struggle with anger vs. sadness, although I have learned to “talk myself down” if I’m being a bitch due to my mood instead of reacting to something that justifies my bitchiness.

    Depression is SO tricky. I feel like I’m always at the edge of giving up but my “What If’s” keep me going. My curiosity is my savior.

    I’m thinking about you!

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      I know that edge all to well. It is a hard way of life, filled with sorrow and tears. Even if we have good in our life, we are to blinded by the darkness we can not see.

  2. Gail says:

    Yup, negatives ARE easier, but by taking these steps, blogging and letting others in, you are learning not to take the easy way. So even though these episodes of depression occur, I think you are learning to not take that road…you are doing hard work which should lead to less and less episodes. I know Cole is an Awesome support system, but if you EVER do more than think about going back to more destructive things (drugs), I am ALWAYS hear to lend a hand. Keep on Keepin on!

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