The Thin Line Between Sanity and the Insane

Posted: April 26, 2010 in Blog, Blogging, Coping, Depression, Grief, Journal, Life, Pain, Personal, Philosophy, Sadness, Sorrow, Stress, Suffering, Uncategorized
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Many of us weave in and out of sanity and insanity completely unaware we have crossed over, for the rest of us insanity is our second home. There are times you can venture to far across the line of sanity to where you are unable to find your way home. Then there are the other times when you spend too much time on the other side, that when you finally find your way home you are emotionally damaged.

I classify insanity as the darkness that shrouds our light. This can mean so many things to so many different people. Insanity could present itself in stress, anger, depression, sadness, or any other intense negative emotion. I believe we are sane when our lives are filled with light and insane when we are filled with darkness. That is why I say we all weave in and out of these two states. There are so many people who can deal and cope with the blackness in their lives which makes it easier to manage the two states of minds. I am not in this category.

My life has been filled with so many ups and downs, where I am on a rollercoaster between the two states. I have experienced intense light followed by the blackest nights. This has been going on for as long as my piss poor memory can remember. I am so far in the dark it is causing me to have health problems, and emotionally it takes all my energy to walk, talk, and even type this post. I am so tired of this dramatic weaving in and out of these two states. I am spending too much time in the dark, that when I finally see light I don’t even know what it is.

I have been overwhelmed with this blackness for about a month now, but it was earlier today when I completely just shut down. I can not properly stay focused, or organize a complete thought. I have so much work today, and I don’t even know where to get started. It seems as soon as I get something done there are five more things which pop up. I am stressed about writing, and I am stressed about the foundation. I am not going to discuss my personal life.

I wish someone would just say to me to stay strong and things will get better, and to not worry you will find your way home. Most importantly I wish I would believe them. I just want some fucking relief, a day or two without intense blackness. Is that too much to ask for? My bags have long since been packed; the house of sane has been collecting dust, because long ago I hoped a one way trip to fucking insanity with no money to buy my ticket home.

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Comments
  1. johanna says:

    There is always light after darkness.

  2. Karen King says:

    Wow Tim, you sound so sad. I will tell you….stay strong and things will get better, stop worring-you will find your way home. Now stop and believe this. You and I have never sat down and really talked in person, but I too have had some dark times in my life where I thought there was no end in sight. I look back on some of these things and say to myself – “how did I survive?” Even today I sometimes dodge between the light and the dark, I get overwhelmed and can’t figure out what to do first. Take a deep breath and make the list. One day at a time and one thing at a time. Find that happy place inside of your mind and don’t forget it. I know I appear to be an altogether kind of gal, but on the inside I too struggle. Remember your family needs you and they love you very much. I am here for you.
    Love, Karen

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Most of the time I handle the dark very well usually I write a few poems or express my feelings on my blog then I move right on. I believe I deal with feelings which would cause most people to go compleatly insain. I deal with these feelings well, because I have gotten so used to them. It has just gotten so overwhelming lately it feels like I am drowning. Nicole lifts me out of the dark time and time again so I am happy she is here for me.

  3. One of the most known parts of the Tao Te Ching is the line from verse 64: “A journey of a thousand miles starts under one’s feet/with a single step.” (Depends on the translation used.)

    Regardless of the translation preferred, the message is about the same. Too often, our focus is on the horizon — the end of the road — and the enormity of the steps to get there overwhelms us. It is when we are able to pull back simply to concentrate on the very next step and then the one after that and the one after that…when we can discover that the journey is not so arduous.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Ah yes one of my favorites. Where I run into trouble is I have so many different steps to take and it overwhelms me to know which one to take. I think that is why I continue to stand still. I study the Tao Te Ching daily and I try to master each verse. I know once I am able to accomplish this I will find true peace. I do really good for a few days then slip back to old behaviors

  4. luke says:

    This is what helped me:

    “Get out of your head.”

    …and stay out.

  5. Bukky says:

    You can find peace of mind in Christ, when you have a greater power to rely on you find life doesn’t seem so gloomy. It is my faith in Christ that has helped (and is still helping) me through the recent loss of my father.
    Below are a couple of verses from the Bible that have helped me.

    Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding.”
    1 Peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

  6. alex says:

    darkness just is. some of us have lost our way and cant ever find our way back.
    i wont give you some bull crap about religion or that you can always find the light.
    but as long as you beleive that there is light you will eventully get back to it.
    I find this difficult because i live in a world of greys
    but maby youll be able to find peace. i hope someone does in this fucked up world

  7. Shelly says:

    I’ve been where you are and the only light is Jesus.I pray that you find him and that you get to know him and the darkness goes away.May God bless you and keep you and shine His light upon you.:-)

  8. Vernon says:

    God in the person of Jesus is here to help us all. seek Him first and His kingdom and all other things shall be given unto you.

  9. Wolverine says:

    Its not about rise after fall its about how you stumble upon problems and face them or ignore them. Your only decisions makes you feel good or bad. Life is about living in whichever way you want, we are all gonna die once so why not make our lives best of all. Its just our mind that fucks us daily and we can either fight or be a loner shit whom no one remembers. So make a fucking grand plan be millionaire, singer , actor , whatever the hell you want. First things first start with smaller successions to bigger. And remember love the people who loves you and fuck the shit out of them who hates you.

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