My Sunday night ritual is filling my weekly med reminder. Filling this is a weekly reminder of who I really am, and it is sad. No matter which mask I put on in any given day I can not hide from who I really am. Sometimes I think I am better, but in reality I am only sicker. Why was I mad this way? For what purpose does it serve? I get so mad at a God I don’t even believe in. How fucked up is that? I just need to except that it is never going to go away. I am never going to get better, no matter how much I try to delude myself.

Tomorrow I will put on my mask, and hide who I really am. I will smile at my coworkers and they will never know. I will come home to greet my kids. I will smile my best smile, and hide behind my meds. I truly hate it. The shitty part is; it will never go away. I will have to hide until I can no longer take it.

  1. johanna says:

    You may be mad at God, but he never leaves you. Yes, you are who you are. You are not God. You are only a man, a weak, broken man. Accept who you are w/ humility and live your life the best you can. That all anyone can ask of you. Many other people suffer as you do. You are not alone..

  2. As a person who has a form of autism and a wide variety of congenital defects, I can understand where you’re coming from! I too have known dark dark and have wondered what purpose my life serves.

    I’ve come to the conclusion that the purpose of life is…life. Every person must overcome their own set of frailties and foibles — it’s part of the journey.

    The one question I’ve never asked is: Why me? I accept that these sorts of things happen (naturally). Some people happen to be born one way, others are born another.

  3. Drats!! The second sentence of the 1st paragraph should read “dark days,” not “dark dark.” I sound like an imbecile! 😀

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