My brain has been misfiring a lot lately, combined with my sleepless mania my mental state is completely fucked. I have been doing my best to manage everything and try to not be swallowed by the darkness. I am running in place with doom closing in on me. I have been unable to write, and the mental block is driving me insane. My one real release has been escaping me for over a week. I have walked my days with a mask of smiles and it is annoying the shit out of me. I am replacing my mask of smiles; with a mask of frowns. It is just to hard to fake.

Confusion:

I have been losing touch with what I am supposed to be doing, which is causing me to fall behind at work, as well as my other duties. I tend to lose not only track of time but time itself. I find myself drifting off somewhere and coming back only to find out two or three hours have passed. The simple tasks I have to do seem complex.

Disorientation:

I suppose everything under confusion could also be listed under this category as well. When I reach a point past confusion into disorientation my mind is so clouded I begin to get dizzy and it becomes hard to walk or use my motor functions. I notice these kick in with visual and audio over stimulation. I was driving home yesterday, and I hit a road where there was 2 feet of black tar road then 2 feet of white road. This quick transition between black and white was like a strobe light and with each change my brain stopped working for a moment. I could not see, or even remember I was driving. My eyes started violently blinking and I could not focus on the road. My brain and body started to shut down. I could not think straight and I almost passed out. When I got out of this hell I was so dizzy and I thought I was speeding, but was only going 20 mph. It was horrible.

Memory Loss:

I have had to right down everything I need to do or It will not get done. In the process of writing my tasks done, I will go back and read my to do’s, and can not remember what it was I wrote down, so a task now means no sense to me and therefore does not get done. I find myself asking the same question over and over because I can not remember asking it even if only five minutes have passed. I forget things quickly which seems to add to my other issues. It is hard living not knowing what you did 15 minutes ago.

I am also not sleeping well, there have been many nights I am on so many tranquilizers it would put down a horse, yet I feel like it is the middle of the day. I am up and down up and down, it is becoming exhausting. I have been depressed for so long the highs feel good, but the disappointments as a result of my happy feelings are intense. I just feel like I am losing it, and my brain will not allow me to utilize my one escape; writing.

I fear for my sanity.

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Comments
  1. I could offer some knee-jerk Taoist pop psychology here about letting go and moving with the flow, but I’m not gonna do that. Are you seeing a counselor? Sounds to me like you need some professional help from someone you trust and feel comfortable with. You need to take action, lest you sink into a dark hole that you may never escape from.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      I have a med doctor. It is hard to find a good therapist, I can not see any male ones because I feel like they are going to molest me. I think I may need to see a brain doctor and get some brain scans. It is hard to talk to people about my issues, but the funny part is I am able to open up more honestly in my writing

  2. johanna says:

    A neuropsychologist is what you need. They do scans of your brain activity and use neuro-feedback to correct problems in the brain. It is worth a try if meds fail you. I was very impressed with the one i saw and i did notice a difference. They were able to pinpoint just where the problem was and address it. Hope this helps.

  3. I feel like you read my mind, and then wrote this! This is my life right now due to my syndrome (CRPS) and side effects associated with it and the meds prescribed for it.

    I noticed this article was written 3 yrs ago…are you in a better place now?

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