I have never responded well to conventional therapy, for some reason I can not stick with it. My logical thought behind that is in therapy you are forced to see who you really are. I already loath my existence and to discover more flaws about myself is only that much more earth shattering. I know I will never be good enough as a husband, father, and person.

This is why I get tattoos, I hope when I put art on my body somehow it improves me as a person. The same is true with expressing myself through piercings, or an anti-conforming appearance. I do these things to disguise and change the piece of shit I am. When I am lucky enough to get one of these things it makes me feel better about myself.

I have no self-worth of who I am. It is so painful knowing you fail in every aspect of your existence. To look in the mirror and hate your own reflection. Everything I touch; begins to decay and eventually dies. With all these things I continue to open my eyes in the morning. Why? If the world knew how I felt inside; there would be a mercy killing. I do not know how to go on. I am unable to weep, because my tears are contained within this stone wall. I am unable to feel joy, because of my thorn shackles.

I have found three coping methods, which allows me to tap into my inner feelings. It acts as the glass against my wall. The trifecta is music, the Tao, and writing. It is these three things which allows my tears to flow, find internal strength, and express myself without judgement. Like the drugs I have drowned myself in, these things only work when they are soaked into my existence.

I write because I need to. I would love nothing more than to be heard by the masses. I am a realist and know my dreams will never come to fruition, like so many things in my life is a hollow dream filled with false hopes. I wake up from this dream, and realize it is what it is; a dream. It has no barring in reality.

I still write, because I continue to follow this delusion that I have talent. There are millions of people who blog, and try to write books, and there are millions who fail. My history of failures only ensure the same outcome. I still write, because for a moment I feel relief. Everytime I metaphorically kill myself it stops me for a moment of literally becoming free.

I find internal strength and hope in being a better man through the Tao Te Ching. This to is short-lived unless I study, reflect, and write everyday. When I leave the words of Lao-tzu the Tao leaves me, and I become what I really am.

No words, no force, no false self-worth can change fate; no matter how many times I try to delude myself. For a fleeting moment my thorn shackles are off and I am allowed to roam these four walls. I try to find an escape. I see the blood and realize an exit doesn’t exist; I end up yearning for the pain my shackles bring.

Music allows me to cry in private, not to show my weakness to a cruel unforgiving world. It is in the words, the arrangements, and feeling which truly touch me. I find myself and lessons within song. I find sadness, strength, and hope. I experience another fleeting moment of serenity which is short-lived no matter how long I listen. I admire their talents and gifts.

All these things mean nothing. It is a vapor from which I desperately try to grab a hold of. It is the ghost of hope, the fairy tales of religion. I used to fear cancer to a point of panic. I welcome and pray for this black death. I deserve the suffering it will bring. No matter how many times I yearned for the peaceful hand of the reaper, I feared the loss of my existence. I no longer fear the reality of a hand which will not greet me.

Some may read this and feel concerned, some may call to see how I am, and others may offer words of encouragement. Please save me the embarrassment of hearing lies. Concern from those who do not care is meaningless, calls from those who don’t will fall on unanswered lines, and encouragement from those who know nothing of my four walls will mean nothing.

Lost in song, words of old, and I write. For now I cry, for now there is hope, for now I am not judged, for now I am.

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Comments
  1. Nicole says:

    “What you see depends on what you’re looking for”

    I sent this to your earlier today. Self loathing and only seeing the negative the world has to offer is a result in all the words and feelings you just poured into this post. A million people could read your stuff, thousands can buy your books, your kids and wife can love you so much everyday that they yearn for your attention…and still you will believe the negative you see inside your world. When we become adults we must let go of our childhood, we all experience pain growing up, many of us have had to endure things no child should have to endure, however to not let go of that ensures you will repeat the cycle to your own children. Tattoos, Mohawks, piercings those are all cries for attention, acting out to find approval and words of encouragement that you think will fill the void you feel you lacked as a child, and even when they come you take them in dismiss them and toss them away to continue telling yourself what you want to believe. Therapy is about learning our flaws recognizing how they affect your life, then learning how to change and stop them. Understanding not everything people say is a cut to you as a person, if someone does not agree with you or if someone points out where you need to improve does not translate to your being told you are a bad waste of a person, you tell yourself that and until you learn to stop nothing will change. Learning to accept your past for what it was, leaving it to not carry on the cycle and know that the people in your present are not those from your past.
    I am a strong believer in energy you put out negative energy in to the world you will get back negative energy. Timothy – only you can change this, you are not a victim anymore you are a strong adult, who has a family that loves you, you have a choice and only you can make the choice to erase the script in your mind and open your eyes to what is in front of you and create a new script in which to live by.

  2. Nicole makes a strong point and one that is consistent with the Taoist perspective. People whose lives are marked by self-loathing and negativity act like a magnet — you pull negative energy towards you which only deepens the level of self-loathing. In essence, you are helping to create your own negative spiral and, at times, you even seem to enjoy the act of wallowing in it.

    Lao Tzu would tell you to let go of the past. It’s not something you can change. No amount of fretting will undo what has already been done. He would also tell you to let go of the future (as a most anxious person, this is what I wrestle with daily) because you can’t change what has yet to happen. You can only focus on the present moment; that’s the only one you can impact to a certain extent.

    As to conventional counseling, the sky is darkest before the dawn. If you won’t let go of the past, then you’ve got to face it and deal with it. If not, you will continue to be mired in your own dark prison.

    Yes, it can be damn frightening to face our frailties in their stark nakedness, but you can’t build a better now if you don’t come to grips with an imperfect past. You can’t go forward if you’re tethered to yesterday’s demons.

  3. I should add that I will be seeing MY mental health therapist this afternoon. He helps me to learn to help myself deal with my anxiety issues. Sessions aren’t necessarily fun — sometimes they are quite painful — but a person can’t find nor embrace joy if intense pain is their constant companion.

  4. Karen King says:

    Tim, know this, you are loved by so many people. All the comments written are right on. So many people suffer from so many things, but you have to look forward and not back in order to find happiness and peace. I learned this so many times over the years, in therapy. Only you can make the change. You have a family that loves you so much, stop and focus on that and learn from it.

    “Being positive is finding the good in every situation. At times that can be challenging, and certain situations that seems impossible, but there is good – you just have to find it. And once you find it, stay focused on it. Your life will seem much happier and more fulfilling if your attitude is one that is focused on the positive in life.”

  5. johanna says:

    Alcoholics and Drug addicts go to rehab. Why can’t you take a break and check into a really good psychiatric hospital? Maybe if you were able to focus 100% on getting better w/ constant med. supervision and good therapy, you could get the relief, the peace, that you need and deserve. You have so much to offer others but cannot be the person you want to be. Please look into an in-patient program and heal yourself so you can in turn, help others.

    Obviously, you cannot let go of the past yourself and you cannot just, “like” yourself. You’ve suffered and tried for so long to fix everything on your own. Perhaps it’s time to be humble and accept help.

  6. Yeah and next we’ll be debating oil spills! 🙂

  7. Nic says:

    You understand. Thank you.

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