It has been three weeks and three days since I wrote “Therapy Trifecta,” since then I have been depression free. I hope I am not jinxing myself by writing this post, if I can make it to July 2nd I will have been depression free for an entire month. It has been a rough year, so this feeling is a welcomed with open arms. I hope I am able to ride this good feeling. I do have some theories as to why I have made it this long. I hope to cultivate these theories and work at getting deeper to some root issues.

 The first reason is I have been conflict and drama free. I do not deal with either of these very well, and this will quickly throw me into a depression. I have been surrounded by positive energy, so the small amount of conflict has been dealt with better. I have spent time working on the Tao, which has filled me with peace and serenity. I am able to recognize some of my issues in a positive way. I have also learned some valuable techniques to deal with some of my issues by reading; “The Tao of Peace;” by Diane Dreher.

 I have finally found a therapist who I feel comfortable around. This has been an issue my entire life, since meeting with this lady I had only found one therapist I was able to connect to. In my first session I was able to release some negative feelings in a safe environment. I look forward to my future visits.

 I have almost found a perfect balance between my writing and my obligations as a husband and father. This thing has not completely worked itself out, but a perfect resolution is right around the corner. I end up feeling frustrations when my book projects are stagnant. My children’s book is almost complete; my illustrator has made great progress. I am filled with joy and accomplishment when I make progress on my dream, and feel connected with my family.

 I seem to have found a great medication cocktail. When I was first prescribed the mood stabilizer Lamictal it really base lined me on a shitty level. I was unable to feel any kind of emotion except sadness. This drug completely shut down my mania, and I rely on low-level mania to coast in happiness. I have a high tolerance for drugs, and my body adapts to medication and they no longer do what they are supposed to do.

 The eleven year battle with my baby momma has finally come to an end, with a victory. I am so relieved this is over, and it appears my daughter is starting to adapt better to this whole situation. There are still some things her mom will do which piss me off, but I finally feel free to tell her where to stick it since I don’t have to worry about her using my daughter as a pawn to hurt me. She still tries to make her think less of me, but fails.

 Finally in a month I am getting my birthday tattoo. I gave my tattoo guy a simple concept and he is going to do the rest. I love to see what kind of creative art he can produce. I do know depression and the darkness is always right around the corner. If I am able to cultivate the good things and work on the issues perhaps I will not experience such extreme lows when they appear.

The only downer to not having lows is I lose my creativity with my poems. I would not mind one day a month of depression so I can write 20-30 poems.

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Comments
  1. While I’m genuinely pleased that you’re in a good state, life is about conflict and drama. You can no more escape it than you could quit breathing and expect to live.

    So, while you’re in this good frame of mind, I suggest you think of strategies now to deal with the inevitable conflicts later. If you simply coast along with the positive vibes, you will most likely come completely off your wheels when the next downer strikes.

    What I’m trying to say is that you need to be proactive now, rather than reactive later.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      My wife is in love with you, she tries to tell me the same thing just in different ways. I agree I need to prepare for a down, I think with this therapist and the self-conscience building exercises I may be able to adjust to the downs. When I am riding these minor mania’s I try to soak it all in because I enjoy the euphoria I feel. The problem is I can’t sleep which only intensifies these ups into danger mania.

      It is a shitty cycle I have been going through my entire life. In the 15 years I have been dealing with my mental illness I have never took the time to learn coping skills and ways to make me feel better about myself. You cannot truly love someone if you do not love yourself. This resonates with me, because I want to truly love myself and others I just don’t know how to deal with the hate I feel when I look in the mirror.

      I think I should start paying you for therapy lessons.

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