I was watching our maintenance man trying to fix an automatic door the other day. I noticed him attentively opening and closing the door. He was trying to figure out exactly how the door worked in hopes of identifying the problem. He cannot fix the fix the door; unless he understands how it works. I started to think about, other professions where this also holds true. Cooks cannot make a delicious dinner, if they do not know the ingredients, an auto mechanics can’t fix your car unless he understands what goes on under the hood. This analogy holds true with our own personal growth, we can not fix ourselves; if we do not understand how the roots of our problems work.

            I have never been able to love myself, when I look at my reflection in the mirror I feel nothing but contempt. I still carry emotional baggage which has negatively impacted my life; dating back to my childhood. I have grown as a person over the last eleven years, but the growth has been slow and fragile. I look back at the person I was back then and feel a sense of accomplishment because I am no longer the person I once was. I am still damaged which causes issues in my personal life. I want nothing more than to be a good person and not hate myself. How can I truly love if I do not love myself?

            In order for me to fix my issues, I must take a hard look at who I am and admit my faults. I have to find the courage and strength to go inside of myself and find the roots of my problems. I hope to do this through therapy, I have finally found someone I feel comfortable with; I hope she is able to help me help myself. I am scared to take this self assessment, and feel through my pain. I am petrified fixing the roots will not cause me to change. If that does not fix my problems well then I am just fucked; this would mean I am just a dick. I need to find out the why’s to the hundreds of things wrong with me, I want to be able to love myself so I can love those around me.

 What do you think?

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Comments
  1. Nicole says:

    People are not one thing, they are not either good or bad, or perfect or imperfect. People are complex pieces. Some of those pieces are broken does not make the whole person broken. In my belief we have choices, everyday is filled with them and each one will ripple into the next. Paying it forward, that is a choice… some people have pieces of them that find gratitude and joy in paying it forward, another person’s pieces may find it ridiculous and useless.
    In my opinion selfishness or self centered behavior is piece that will destroy all. My mother was selfish; she chose to love the alcohol more than me, selfish. She chose to love men who kicked her ass more than me, selfish. She chose to not be a significant part of my life because she could not make the choice to make her life better, selfish. Did that make her a bad person, no but it did hurt many around her that loved her. In the end she was killed by one of those men she selfishly chose to spend her time with over me.
    My father, who remarried a woman that raised me, was selfish. His selfishness was driven by the need to fulfill what he believed to be what made happiness, Status, money, popularity. He chose to not be around, now his intent was respectable he wanted “more” for his family. We lived in Eden Prairie we were not dirt poor. We lived check to check like everyone; we had 2 cars, a house, and food in our kitchen, clothes on our back, and still enjoyed the ability to do things. Selfishly my father decided this was not enough, first he was going to be a pilot so he went to work and he went to school. He locked himself in the room at night to study, in spite of the fact his 7 year old daughter was begging him to come be with her. The pilot idea did not pan out. He began to work in automotives again, now the selfish desire was for his own shop. So he worked a day job then an evening job, in spite of the fact that his 10 year old daughter was begging for his attention… “sorry honey I have to go to work, but it is for the better good because ONE DAY you will have all the things you want”…what he could not understand is that I had already lost my mother, I did not want items I wanted his love. He opened his shop. He worked and selfishly ignored his wife, who also was lonely for his attention. He put his own desire above the families desire, selfishness. Did we have “it all” when he had the shop..nope, no different cars were in the driveway, no different houses were bought, no different clothes were worn, no trips were taken. Because of his selfishness he lost the shop. Selfishly he was deceitful to his wife ignored his daughter and his two new children and selfishly did what he wanted to do. In the end he lost it all, his wife his shop, his kids, and the respect of many that knew him thru the years. Sadly that is what it took to make him see…today he is one of the most selfless people I know, his selfish ways did not make him a all bad person, but that one piece of the whole cause so much damage to so many people. There is not a day that goes by that he does not regret every one of those selfish choices he made.
    I tell this story to show that shit can happen in our past people can leave us hurt us and make us feel insignificant, that does not mean we have to continue the cycle or that we must be damaged because of it, If a person can not realize that than they become the person that hurt them. My priority in life is to give to my husband and kids. If I choose selfishness that comes at the expense of those I love and I know what that felt like, I refuse to repeat the cycle. I am not by any means a perfect parent or wife, there are times I cannot give all that they deserve. But each and every day I try choose to give to make choices based on do onto others as you would have done on to you.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Beautfily said. I would use that as a post. I agree being selfish and self-centered is bad. I have a hard time walking that line. Sometimes I am great other times I get so wraped up in my writing I lose focus on what I am supposed to do. I hope to find this balance between chasing my dream and being that good father and husband

  2. Monique says:

    Wow, I am truly amazed at the coincedence of this post. Just yesterday I was sitting in my doctor’s office when he asked how my marriage was going. Openly, I explained how I feel we hit the lul in our marriage and my husband is having thoughts of suicide. He doesn’t know why he is having these feelings, yet pointed the finger towards me and his work. Angered at this point I had to bite my tongue and try to be attentive to what he was saying.

    I have been in therapy for over 4 years, trying to “fix” me. The reality is there’s nothing broken. Just unhealthy habits, unorthodox thoughts, mind numbing ocd’s and roller coasters of emotions. Welcome to being an adult. Having the right to make a choice, living out the result and then tryign again when you fail. I don’t wonder so much as to if I am in “the best place in my life”. I wonder how many tries I get before the opportunity passes.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Monique,

      Welcome!
      I would recomend your husband read my book. I would be more than happy to send him a copy. I have been told reading my words have helped those in crisis. I know I am broken into so many little pieces. I get frustrated because I may never be put back together again. I feel guilt over this for being who I am. It is hard to hate your self

  3. You wrote, “I am petrified fixing the roots will not cause me to change.”

    Don’t worry. If you can get to the root of your problems, you will change. It would be impossible not to. 🙂

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Thanks Rambling. It just so happens my therapist is into eastern medicine. I am hoping we can include the Tao Te Ching as part of our therapy. I want so bad to be the man Lao-Tzu was. I admire it to the point of jealousy. I get frustrated that I cannot be the man I am reading about. I know you said no one can live the Tao 100% of the time, but I would at least like 20% I just don’t understand why I can’t be a better person.

  4. rottenjuju says:

    Good analogy, Tim, I have considered the same concepts when pulling weeds in my yard. If I do not get them at the root, they’re coming back to haunt me again. Additionally, it is really hard work and best accomplished with help from others.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      The problem is I try to fix my problems by myself. This is just as effective as an auto mechanic trying to do open heart surgery. I am in consistent denial to what my problems are. I have had a hard time trying to find a therapist I can talk to and trust. I cannot do male therapist because I think they are going to molest me.

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