If you are a regular reader you already know I suffer from a mental illness. This illness is a cancer upon my sanity, a cancer which can never be cured. There is no level of medication nor hours of therapy to fix what is wrong with me. The many doctors and therapist I have seen over the last eighteen years have labled me this or labled me that. Some doctors agreed, others changed my diagnosis; only to be changed once again. I have changed therapist like I change socks. I can’t see male therapists, and I have had a rough time finding a female I could trust.  

I have been seeing the same med doctor for fifteen years. He is a bit of a pill pusher, but I think he legitametly cares about my well being. Through the years we have tried almost every single combination of meds imaginable to try and surpress my problem. We have found certain things that will work good for this but works bad for that. I abused drugs for eight straight years which caused me to develop tolorence to meds. A combanation may work great for a few months then I either need to increase the dose, or change it all together. It has been a frustrating battle.

The most recent med experiment has worked out good in some areas but issues still linger. The problem I am having now is I cannot surpress my mania. The meds keep me from having downs, or psychosis manias. I am happy to say it has been around two months since I have slipped into the darkness. It feels good to have the light shinning in my life. These meds keep me either basedlined or manic. I do not mind the mania as long as it does not get out of control. It seems the only time I experience joy is in a mania; perhaps I am mistaking mania for happiness. I do know over the years I have felt very little sustained happiness; it is an emotion I am not famililar with. There is one aspect I am concerned about; my inability to sleep.

Lack of sleep increases my mania; I need at least eight hours of sleep to keep a leveled baseline. When I first started my sedative combo it worked wonders, but these last few months I have been unable to achieve my goal of sleep. There are certain nights I can sleep with little help from my meds and other nights I need many different seditives to fall asleep. On those nights I take enough seditives to put a horse down. I wonder what this combination and doses would do to a normal person? I would bet it is enough to compleatly wreck twenty people. I need to figure out an alternative; it is only a matter of time before these sedatives lunge me into a depression. I need to find one that will work as good as the eight I am taking now.

It is frustrating knowing there is something eating away at me, and not knowing what it is. How can you treat something if you do not know what it really is? How can I cope with an illness which has no name? I have finally found a therapist I can trust, and she advised I take a test to pin-point what is really wrong with me. She was hesitant to give me her initial diagnosis as to not confuse me. I will find this answer out on Thursday; even though I want to know I am also afraid of finding out what my diagnosis really is. I am embarresed and ashamed of my illness. I have been keeping it secret my entire life. I have had to put masks on for so long I have forgotten who I am. I only started opening up about my struggles when I wrote my book and started this blog. It feels good stripping my soul naked, and exposeing myself to the world.

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Comments
  1. ram0singhal says:

    divine…..is it true what you write ? if yes….you need to know how brain works….simple understanding can cure you in
    few weeks along with 40 minutes of simple walk in the garden..everyday morning and evening….

    you have a spiritual inquiry and you are searching a answer..

    if you think I can be of any help…..I am here…

    God bless you….

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      I wish I had the answer, after today I am more confused than ever

      • ram0singhal says:

        divine…..mind is a energy field or bridge between
        soul and body or right brain and left brain…

        buy a computer….one gets a user’s manual…..
        human brain….hardware capacity….10 million
        volumes of Britanica….software processing at the
        speed of light…but no user’s manual….so must be
        user’s friendly…..God cannot make a mistake making it user’s enemy…. without knowing we play this
        super computer…..

        a friend asked me one day….about a thought which
        was giving him all kind of disorders…..

        I wrote on a paper list of common mental disorders…
        and asked to cross the disorders bothering him….

        1..anxiety disorder.2…mood disorder.3…thought
        disorder.4…eating disorder. 5…sleep disorder.
        6…sexual disorder.7..personality disorder.
        8…conduct disorder.

        to my surprise he crossed most of them…and had
        tears in the eyes….

        I consoled him…asked him to wash the face and
        told him my intension is to cure him in next 45
        minutes…..after listening how brain works…
        half the disorders disappeared …told him little
        walk in the garden for some weeks should remove all
        disorders…

        to my happiness my friend is absolute fine now..

        p.s…for last 27 years I live happiness breath to
        breath…I will be now write first post on how
        brain works… it will help people…

      • Tim Lundmark says:

        Ram0,

        How do you achieve such peace by walking in the garden? Is this being centered with the Tao? The little internal peace I have found was through the Tao. I can just not sustain it.

  2. johanna says:

    I’ve always thought mental illness was evil because in a sense, it steals a part of your soul. It is insidious and life altering. I wish I knew the answer. I hope and pray you find peace and true happiness, not mania. True happiness involves peace, mania doesn’t. I think that’s the difference. Keep us posted because many more people than you know suffer as you do. I’m glad you were brave enough to share your fears. It makes you more human.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Johanna,

      I have been battling this issue in the wrong way. I have always hoped the drugs they gave me would be a magical cure. I have come to realize this is not the answer. I want it to be that simple. I need to explore myself with a professional. I need to figure out what is the underlying issue which causes me to feel the way that I do. I have run from this confrontation my entire life. I am so afraid to look at my soul because I am afraid of what I will see. I do not want to see myself as I am. I prefer to see myself as an illness, and load myself up on meds to make it all go away. I start this journey in two weeks. I am trying to think of any reason to not go through with it. I have felt myself slip since yesterday. I wish right now I had the mania.

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