When I was a young lad; I was rather scrawny. This lack of a manly body fueled an unhealthy insecurity around my peers. I did not think I was good enough because of my size. This caused me to feel subservient around other males. I do not think my peers noticed my submissive nature, because I built a persona of being a badass. This badass image caused me to get into fights to prove my masculinity. I fell victim to the media, and what they defined as beauty. I still fall victim to this media beauty except this time I am on the opposite side of the scale.     

I am no longer scrawny; I have bulked up and resemble a typical man. I do have one issue which is my stomach. I am by no means an obese man, but I am not one of the media beautiful people. There are some days I could care less what other people think of me, and then I have days where I do not want to leave the house. I am ashamed of what I look like, and wish I were different. I see the beautiful people I long to be, and I just want to punch them in the face.

The times I try to convince myself I am fine the way I am is when I think of Buddha. If the Buddha in all his wisdom says its ok to have a belly than who am I to argue. I figure if he can have a belly and be jolly then I can do the same. I just need to do one of two things; I either need to accept myself as I am, or work my ass off to achieve my goal. I have noticed no one wins at the “Biggest Loser” by not working out and eating pizza rolls at night. I just need some sort of launching pad to motivate myself to get going. I have had a hard time even starting the engine. I still suffer from low self-esteem, and part of that is centered on how I look. I no longer have the badass persona, so I can no longer hide behind a false Identity. The times I am at peace with who I am is the time when I carry my belly well. I have also found new clothes, and shoes do wonders for my self-image. 

I know I am the only person who can change the way I look, but that takes a ton of work. I am a smoker so any kind of cardio is out of the question. The thought of running just does not appeal to me. I love to lift weights, but does little to cure my belly problem. I could eat healthier, but this takes willpower, consistency, and structure which I lack. I act on impulse and if impulse says eat pizza rolls at ten o’clock at night well damn it I am eating pizza rolls. I have weird eating habits’. I do not eat breakfast, nor do I eat lunch. I wait until dinner time to eat then have a late bedtime snack. No matter how many times I have been told I do not change this habit. I contribute this to my strong urge to do the complete opposite of what people tell me.

I tell myself once I quit smoking then I will workout. I also tell myself once I start working out then I will quit smoking, for some reason neither of these two happen. I would like to take up boxing again or try my hand at Jiu-Jitsu. I think I will need to quit smoking before I try anything like that.

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Comments
  1. Monica says:

    I can’t help chuckling right now, not about your post but because as I’m leaving you this comment there is an ad right above it that says: Ads by Google “Get Rid of Belly Fat?” Anyway, go ahead and eat your pizza rolls!! I love pizza rolls and can put away an entire box of the combination ones in one sitting! If and when I lose my awesome metabolism, I will have to touch base with you to find out what route you decided to take. Boxing sounds like fun, and a good way to have a badass persona again.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Monica,
      Metabolism? My body gave that up long ago. I do not know the conversation which led to metabolism leaving my body. If I ever find out who kicked that out of my body I would have it surgically removed. What kind of cruel lesson is to be learned by this? I want nothing more than to eat what I want when I want it without having to work out. I enjoy lifting, I just don’t see the point walking or running in place for 30min. I just need the proper motivation to get started. I am looking at that boxing place. I wonder if I went out and beat a 12 year old if that would boost my confidence?

  2. johanna says:

    Forget about trying to change what you look like. Do what you enjoy, and love others. If you are at peace, everything else will fall into place.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Johanna,
      As much as I preach about not becoming a media slave I tend to find myself marching in line. I am not saying I am bad looking I just don’t think a belly fits into what is beautiful. I know I should not care, but inside I feel I need to look a certain way to be accepted. When I am sitting there eating pizza rolls at night I am eating in shame. It is sad

  3. We each spend our lives fighting our own illusions. All those “beautiful people” you envy are no different than you.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      I know if you take the flesh away we are all the same. Mentally we are compleatly different. On one hand you have me, big belly, low self-esteem, and low-self worth. This is due to my childhood and current conindrum. The “beautiful” people on the other hand are filled with this confidence and type a personality. I wish I didnt wish I was always someboidy else.

  4. dana says:

    You are beautiful because of your ability to vocalize so many peoples thoughts and connect all of us together.

    I understand what you mean about your outerself though. I went to renew my drivers license today. When it came time to fill in the weight section, I looked at what it was on my old one, and what it was on my new one. I have gained 15 pounds. BUT am still about 20 from what I was the license befor that, and about 8 from what I was this winter. I decided to start not dieting, but eating half a box of pizza rolls, instead of an entire box, then fill up on fruit, viggies or water…. another thing i have found to be helpful is not to skip meals, but to snack through out the day. I try to make sure i enjoy the foods i eat, and not just eat because I can, or want to. I will eat because i need to or to enjoy the flavors of the foods.

    know that you are beautiful just how you are. inside and out.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Dana,
      Thank you. I am very insecure about my body. I wish I could either accept my appearance as is, or have the motivation and discipline to change. I am going to join a gym and try and dedicate myself to become a better looking person. It just sucks being fat. I will avoid swiming with my family because I do not want to take my shirt off. I only weigh 185lbs which is not huge but when I look in the mirror I see 350lbs

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