I was flying on such a wonderful happy streak. It was fantastic to wake up in the morning and be excited to see what the day would bring. It was great not sweating the small stuff. It was fantastic to have a smile on my face. It was glories how I was interacting with my family. My kids were happier seeing me happier. These things were so great, and it sustained day after day. This happiness I have been feeling has left me alone and allowed the darkness back in.

There were some bumps I had during my happy streak, but I was so easily able to just let them shed away. Now it seems everything is the end of the world. I hate feeling this way, I just can not stand it. This pain is so deep and painful I can hardly breathe. I feel like I am going to vomit. I just want it to all end. I think what makes this one so bad, is the time I have had between depressions. It is like I have forgotten what my second home feels like.

It was only a matter of time before the darkness welcomed me home. Why was I so stupid to think the night would never come? This fucking place! His cold hands have taken me home. The fucked up thing is I will never be able to write about everything, I will not be able to speak about this place he leads me to. This is his home, and I do not like it in here.

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Comments
  1. Nic says:

    It is not your home. You are temporarily visiting. Until then, survive.

  2. Nicole says:

    Welcome world to our world, remember Tim you are not alone in it, it lingers to those kids you speak about. Those kids want their dads attention, they want him to enjoy their stupid stories, and their “look what I can do’s” they don’t care about anything else but focused love and attention. Happiness and contentment are feelings from inside a person, and can only be controlled by the person feeling them. Choices, letting go of the same behaviors that lead you to this place, opening up to clean out the demons, not on the internet but to someone who can help, and most importantly learning to see what is right in front of you….knowing the void you try so hard to fill with external things really will only be filled for good when you can love yourself without the need of outside reinforcement. When you are zen it is so clear to you, when you are not you are blind….
    That dark place is simply something you have put together in your mind, which means you also have the power to take it down. The extremes, like with most everything in your world, ….your “happiness streak” and now your “home of darkness” will always keep you swinging, it is the BALANCE of Yin and Yang , give and take, love and be loved, speak and listen, selfish and selfless, it is INSIDE you that will be the answer, to find that you must let go of what you think you know, what obviously has not worked for you, and allow yourself to learn a new way…. the alternative is t keep swinging on the pendulum that has been your 31 years.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      The problem I have is no one I know understands. I pour myself to the world for a reason, if I am judged by a stranger I will never see then it is no big deal. They may think I am out there or whatever, but they also might find comfort in my words. This is a tool I use to keep my creativity sharp, but has turned into an enjoyment. I am sure Susan will heal my deepest wounds and perhaps I will be birthed again into a better person.

      • I can tell you one thing, you’re setting yourself up for failure if you believe that Susan or anyone else can heal you. While there is no question that others can provide you with assistance in the form of support and a little guidance, the ONLY person who can heal you is YOU!

      • Tim Lundmark says:

        Rambling,
        I think what I am looking for from Susan is the tools to heal myself. I am sure by talking I will find that courage.

  3. Dan Bahr says:

    It is hard even in the best of times we can feel the darkness looming over us as if that is the comfort we know and belong to. The extremes are never easy. Hopefully they can just even out. It is horrible that sometimes people just hope for the monotone existence

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Dan,
      Welcome! In my life I have not spent much time being basedlined. I am either high above that line or far below. The hard part is they swing from one extreme to the other and becomes draining on my mind.

  4. My brother battles demons similar to yours. He goes along fine for a while, but, inevitably, he stumbles down into the pitch black hole of self-loathing. My dad called this morning to tell me that younger brother has gone over the edge again and we both know that, one of these times, he may go all the way to the place of no return.

    I suspect that both you & my brother suffer from the same problem: you steadfastly refuse to face your demons head-on. Every time you catch a glimpse of the demon, it scares you. So, you run away from it under the mistaken idea that you can somehow outrun it.

    But it ALWAYS catches up. Yes, you may be able to fool yourself into thinking you can “get better” without having to meet your demon face-to-face, but down deep you know it’s not true.

    As your loving wife has pointed out, you have a choice. You can continue to try to evade the demon and, if this is the choice you choose, your life will continue to resemble a yo-yo, up & down…up & down…

    On the other hand, you can decide once and for all to face the demon and defeat it. Will this battle be frightening? Hell yes!! Will this battle be painful? You better believe it!! Will you sometimes feel like it’s a losing battle? Of course you will!!

    It won’t be easy, but it can be done, IF you are willing to see it through.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Rambling,

      This is the first time in mylife I am serious about therapy. I hope to battle these “demons” I am afraid to take stock into my life and look at how I created many of my problems. I look at my past and see me being victimized. It is easier knowing others did bad to you; instead of the hurt I caused.

  5. johanna says:

    Perhaps it’s not demons you are trying to escape. Check out this poem by Francis Thompson: (This is only part of it) He was an opium addict that was very unhappy with his life.

    “I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;
    I fled Him, down the arches of the years;
    I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways
    Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears
    I hid from Him, and under running laughter.
    Up vistaed hopes I sped;
    And shot, precipitated,
    Adown Titanic glooms of chasmed fears…….”

    It’s a long, somewhat difficult poem to understand but I think you would like it in its entirety. Make sure to read the end. Let me know if you like it. It’s called, “Hound of Heaven”.
    Ps. I hope your depression is short lived. I am sorry you have to endure these dark periods.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Johanna,
      I did like the poem. I do not believe it is demons; I also do not believe it is addiction. In my past I struggled with drugs. I let them control me, but for 3 years I have not been interested in them. I wish I could fast forward to the end of my therapy and feel the freedom instead of having to fight through the yucky feelings of my past.

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