I know I have expressed strong opinions on organized religion, and many of those opinions are harsh on the God of the Bible. Believe it or not I was not raised an atheist or taught to hate God; in fact I used to have a strong faith in God and his Word. My mother was not a religious woman to my knowledge and my step-father was Jewish, neither one projected their faiths upon their children. My father on the other hand was a devout born-again Christian. When he was around he would teach me His Word. I think because I saw so little of my father the time he would spend with me was the greatest, and if this is what made my dad happy then I knew it would make me happy if I believed and showed an interest in his passion. I would also go to a Baptist Church with my best friends parents on Sundays if we had a sleep-over, and later on when I moved in with them. I would eat up all the lessons they would teach me. I think at my age I was well versed in this religion. I was drawn into believing this religion in part because I feared going to hell, the unknown of death, and the comfort knowing there was someone looking out for my best interest. I never ask a thing from God, I believed in him without needing anything in return.

It wasn’t until I fell into despair and I called out His name, only to hear nothing in return. Things were rough with my stepdad; my father would be inconsistent in my life, and when I was moved around. This did not just happen once; it happened many times. I prayed for protection from my stepfather. I prayed to have my father in my life, and later prayed to be with my mother. As I continued to grow I prayed for reprieve from my mental illness, I prayed for relief from my inner suffering. I finally got tired of asking for shelter, and walked away. I figured either I was not worthy of his shelter, or he did not exist. If he existed and was allowing suffering to go on in my life and around the world; then I did not want to know such a God.

I still feared the great unknown of death; I feared the wraith of God, and being cast into a lake of fire. I started studying other religions; in fact it became an obsession of mine to find the truth. I think because of my rejection issues as a kid I took the rejection from God as the ultimate rejection. The more and more I would read the Bible I started to find holes in this belief system, perhaps it was my lack of faith, cynicism, or anger which turned me into an atheist.

If you read my book, you will see a lot of poems where even after all the disappointment and unanswered prayers I was still extending my hand to the lord; in hopes he would take my suffering away. Just like all the times before he did not answer me. The Bible says in a few places where Jesus is telling his people “if you ask the Father for anything in my name and it will be granted.” These verses tended to stick with me, and caused me to become angrier at Him.  

The one thing which stayed consistent with me was an indescribable hole inside my body. I no longer feared death and the unknown; I no longer feared hell. Once I was able to shed these two fears it opened my heart and mind to other religions such as the Tao. I could not be more content knowing I have found something to fill this hole. I am grateful I have found the Way.

Advertisements
Comments
  1. Amelia says:

    This post makes me sad. Just so you know, God hasn’t turned His back on you and He’s waiting in the wings of your life, ready to welcome you back with open arms. God really does answer all prayers. He just might not answer them in the way we want Him to. As God’s children, we have to do more than just read His stories, worship in His house, and memorize His teachings. We are called to be lights of His word to the world.

    We don’t know His plan for us. We’ve all experienced sadness in our lives, dealt with personal issues – and some so great we can’t seem to find the strength to move on or past it. God never promised to protect us from hardship or suffering. He gives us trials so that we are forced to rely upon Him to help us through them. Your life’s purpose may not be an easy one, but it’s what God chose for you when He created you. He may have called you to be a testament for others living with life struggles similar to yours. He may have called you to raise your children in His word. It’s our job to try and fulfill His design for us and trust that He’ll lead us to the role we were meant to play in this world . Simply because we believe doesn’t mean that our lives are going to be easy. But our suffering doesn’t compare to the glory we’ll experience when we are called home to be with Him.

    Following God wasn’t meant to be a cakewalk.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Amelia,

      Welcome! I wish I was able to believe what you wrote. I truly wish I did not harbor such hate towards God. If I were to try to go back, I think the rejection I feel would keep me from letting him in.

  2. In order to hate God or turn your back on Jesus, you must believe they exist. Consequently, in a manner of speaking, you haven’t really turned the page. In fact, I would suggest your feelings about God aren’t that different from your feelings about yourself. In both cases, you appear to be trying to run away from what frightens you. You are refusing to look at either face-to-face.

    I do not hate God because I don’t believe a god exists. I have also not turned my back on Jesus because I think, if he actually existed, he was nothing more nor less than a wise philosopher.

    I have had a lot of trials and tribulations in my life too. I live with autism, a mild form of schizophrenia, a chromosomal abnormality, fibromyalgia and social anxiety disorder. Still, I don’t blame a man in the sky or the world, in general, for my issues. They are what they are. There is no one or thing responsible. I simply have to learn to deal with my maladies straight up and as best I can.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Rambling,
      Great points so even though I don’t believe in God I really do??

      • The title of this post is “Why I turned my Back on Jesus.” If you don’t believe in Jesus or God, then what exactly have you turned your back on?

        I don’t believe in unicorns. I don’t think there is any evidence to support the notion they ever existed. So, I certainly wouldn’t say to someone that “I’ve turned my back on them.” That wouldn’t make any sense, would it?

      • Tim Lundmark says:

        Rambling,
        I believe in God as much as I believe in Mother Goose, although prior to turning my back I very much believed in the existence of God. There are parts of me that still wants to believe, but logic quickly clears that up

  3. hames1977 says:

    may God bless you, tim. i cannot offer anymore words. you said what you have to say. i better keep my opinions to myself and respect your decisions, because they’re yours. hoping for you the best.

  4. Christina Cronk says:

    Maybe it’s not God that you are turning your back on, but your old PERCEPTION of God… there are many other perceptions. Something to think about. 🙂

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Christina,

      Welcome to the community! Do you mean many preceptions in regards to different religions, or many perceptions of the Lord?

      • Christina Cronk says:

        I don’t follow all of this “The Lord” business, but I believe in God. And when the perception of God I was raised with didn’t sit well with me, I chose to alter my perception. Some people see this as “inventing” a God to suit my needs. I see it as letting the mask fall, and acknowledging God-Source to reveal it’s true essence. Religions box God in. I have no box.

      • Tim Lundmark says:

        Christina,
        For the longest time I considered it taboo to create your own personal concept of god. I have changed that philosophy, although it is unconvential many people choose to do this. We are all on the same path to find God we just choose different paths. This is where I end up having ill feelings towards the main religions Muslim, Christianity, and Judism. I feel they think there way is the only way and condem all others. This is a huge turn off for me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s