As everyone knows I had my results appointment with the neuropsychologist on Friday. I was nervous and exited to hear the results. I was hoping to find out what was wrong with my memory and cognitive issues. I was expecting to discover problems in this area and learn ways to improve my issues. I am embarrassed and ashamed by the results. The doctor did not go over any of my cognitive or memory results he just pulled out my MMPI and based everything off of that. It is the results of my MMPI which has me embarrassed, ashamed, and confused.

I just had an MMPI a month ago administered by my therapist. The results came back as “exaggerated.” My therapist told me there is no way anyone could have all the symptoms I answered on my test. I was bothered by this because it made me question if what I have been feeling or experiencing were not real and I was just exaggerated or making them up. I knew I over analyzed the question so I figured maybe that was why. My therapist re-asked me some of the questions on the test, and with her explanation I would have chosen a different answer. I took the MMPI to find my correct diagnosis, and the diagnosis is I have no diagnosis because I have been making my symptoms up in my head. This still twists me up inside because everything I have been and still feel are not real. I have been twisted because I do not know why I am making these symptoms up. This means when I am dealing with the alternate me; I am making the alternate me up in my head???

I was excited when the neuropsychologist was including the MMPI as one of my tests. I was determined to not even think about the questions just answer them based off my first response. I was cruising along answering question after question. I ended up finishing the test in half the time it took me the first time. I felt satisfied with my answerers and was confident the results would show my diagnosis. I again was wrong, disappointed, and further frustrated.

The doctor sat my wife and me down and pulled out the MMPI. He showed the right side of the results showing I suffer from bad depression and anxiety. He showed me the left side indicating why it showed exaggerated. He said out of every question I only answered one question showing myself in a positive light. I answered every other question in negativity about myself. The doctor said with such depression and anxiety it is no wonder why I have been having memory and cognitive issues. He went on to explain very bluntly about his thoughts.

He told me I think so poorly of myself I let it affect every area of my life. He said I needed to be taken care of but I should not need to be that way. He went on to say I do not pull my equal amount of help in any of my relationships. I will depend on my wife to do everything because I have such little faith in my ability. He said I need to stop painting myself in such a helpless role and take accountability for every aspect in my life. The good news is he said this can be changed and fixed over time. If I am able to work with my therapist and build up my self-esteem and self-worth; in time these issues will work themseves out. The way I have been living my life caused me to take these results in a negative way. He stated because of the way I feel about myself even the smallest criticisms become devastating to me. He advised me I need to stop relying on the praises from people to define my self-worth as a person. I became down on myself, and confused why I have felt the way I have felt.

I ended up crying during the results which is very unlike me. It takes an enormous amount of sorrow to bring tears to my eyes. I am sick to my stomach just typing this post. These last few tests have shattered the world I have known. To me these results show I do not have a mental illness. I feel my diagnosis is lazy and co-dependant. If I try to look at this in a positive way it means I can stop taking all my medications. My med doctor pumps me full of medication. I am taking mood stabilizers, ADD meds, anti-anxiety pills, antipsychotics, and medicine to help me sleep. I feel like the only reason I need these meds because I think I do. I really do not have memory problems, confusion, and disorientation; these things are all made up. I do not suffer from Bi-polar with psychotic episodes. My mania is not real, the delusions are fake, and all my emotions are fabrications. If this is true why should I continue taking these meds? I do know I am going to stop taking many of them.

On Friday I attended a high school football game because my daughter was dancing at halftime. I was over taken by anxiety, panic, and paranoia. I began expressing my feelings. I felt the person sitting behind me was pulling at my brain. I could feel and see everyone staring at me. I could hear them talk about me. I started counting all the numbers of the football players over and over again. How fucked up am I if I was just pretending these things to be true?

I was told by a few people who read my book how my words and experiences have helped them cope with their mental illness. I was told my words were inspirational. What does this mean? I am a fake, I am an imposter. How can I continue writing feelings and emotions which are not even real? How can my words ever be taken at face value? How can anyone ever trust my words? How can I ever believe my feelings and emotions? I just recently came to grips with my mental illness, and accepted my limitations. I went into these tests to find an answer to my problems, and the answer was I am my own problem. This whole thing is seriously fucking me up. If this is the case are my feelings of being fucked up even real?

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Comments
  1. lakkou says:

    Stay strong I really do like your blog, i can relate to feeling negative about myself but not even realising it until i am told.

  2. corey bratt says:

    oh, tim 😦 i didn’t get to read the entire thing (i have a 2-yr old hanging on my leg), but read enough. i will certainly add you to my daily prayer list. i know you have lost your faith, but i have not, nor has God lost his faith in you! if you still have a bible, open it up and see what God wants to say to you. i pray that you will soon find peace.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Corey,
      Thank you for the prayers. I used to have three or four different Bibles but I tossed them long ago. I kinda wish I didn’t because all though I do not believe I still really enjoy the book.

  3. gail says:

    Please re-read this post Tim…it is Exactly what the Doctor is talking about. You have looked at yourself in such a negative light, and expect nothing more of yourself that you have found a negative in the results. Use it as a positive, to help you work on this…the Doctor has given you a fantastic tool to help you with this journey! Please do not stop your meds until your therapist/psychiatrist say it is okay to do so…even though the issues are not medical, you would still need some medications to help you be successful. Cole will need a bit of assistance also with not being as enabling as she has been…as that is the role she has assumed for some time. That is not a negative against her, she is a helper…just needs to learn to let you help yourself more…as do you. I know you have it in you…just look how far you have come in your life…as I see it, you have overcome Many obstacles to grow into the person you are, in your personal and professional life. Now you just need to see it as positively as others do. With you all the way…<3

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Gail,
      It is very hard for me to see any positives in me. I feel like I lack the ability to care for myself which is why I am so co-dependant. I know Cole heard everything the doctor was saying better than I did and I fear the journey. I would prefer to be naked in front of the world with Cole covering my fears. I am scared to try to clothe myself. It is hard for me to find positives in this. I have been forced to go to the hospital more times then I can count. The thought that I made all my depression mania and crazy shit up in my head is totally f’ing with my head. Everything I have known my entire life has been a lie perpretrated by myself!

  4. Reread Gail’s comment.

    You know, I was worried about your reaction to the results. You keep thinking that a specific “diagnosis” will be some sort of magic key that you can easily use to unlock your problems so that they will quickly evaporate. My friend, LIFE DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!!!!

    You’ve spent a lifetime building up these walls; they will not be town down overnight. Each of our lives is a work-in-progress. We take baby steps each day toward better mental health.

    You should know from reading my blog that I continue to struggle with getting a grip on my autism. There are days when I am lost and feeling a bit hopeless, but I pull myself up to continue the journey. It’s not easy, but no one ever said it would OR should be.

    Hang in there. Keep pushing forward. That’s about all any of us can do.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Rambling,
      Despite your struggles you have learned the ability to pick yourself up. I wish I had such life skills as opposed to trying to learn them. I wish this was something I could grasp and impliment with one visit from my therapist. I know life is not easy its a cruel world which will eat you alive. I try to hide from this sinister place

  5. johanna says:

    Tim, I am sorry the discussion the Dr. had with you caused you such upset. It appears to me that you DO suffer from anxiety and depression. I do not believe any of the symptoms you are talking about are made up. Depression and all the meds you are on can indeed cause very REAL physical symptoms. You are not a fraud. I think perhaps your Dr. was correct in saying you need to improve your self esteem. You have said that many times. As your self esteem improves, you will be able to move away from the image you have of yourself as a “sick” or “impaired” or “less than perfect” person. THEN you will not depend on others for your and you will take control of your relationships.

    Please do not try to stop taking your meds without medical supervision. If you don’t like your med Dr. switch. If you want to go off meds, it HAS to be done slowly. Never underestimate the potency of these medications. Severe withdrawl and suicide have been strong side effects of going off of meds too quickly.
    I think it’s safe to say that even though I don’t know you personally, I certainly care about what happens to you. My prayers will be with you too. God’s grace can overcome the largest obstacles.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Johanna,
      Thank you for the kind words. I am not sure what I am going to do with my meds. My body and mind are very addicted to the Nurontin. If I go a day without taking them I get really sick and my anxiety becomes ten times worse. I am dependent on my night meds, without them I fear I wouldnt sleep. I figure I could cut out my mood stabilizers.

  6. Rebekah Elling says:

    Thank you for posting this Tim!!! This is awesome that you have a doctor who spends time to explain all of this to you! I am not sure if you remember the last in-service, where we discussed how physical ailments, including stress can cause the same symptoms as mental illness. Which means having the symptoms does not necessarilly mean that you have that mental illness. At the same time, that does not belittle your experience with those symptoms. I have been there, when I am stressed and in crowds of people I have panic attacks, my heart races, I feel like every single word spoken bounces non-stop in my head, I can smell every scent around me and it is over-whelming.
    If you remember the stress-management in-service I spoke about John kabbot-zins center to mindfulness, you may enjoy his research and work. The part that I use the most from his work is when I find myself at the begining of a panic attack I think of each thing that I am feeling seperate from the other feelings and literally say to myself (in my mind) “I hear every word spoken around me” and then I ask myself how this makes me feel, then why it makes me feel this way. Then finally the most important step is I say to myself “this is my body, and my mind, and I have control of this” I still hear all the noise, but I have less anxiety around it.
    Finally I just wanted to say that this is an exciting begining for you, Nicole, and your kids! Stay strong and keep working on it! And remember that you truly are a good person, just look at your blog and your books, all things that you have written to help others.

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