My cycles are random and unpredictable, but the one thing I can count on is the cycles I have when the season changes. With every changing of the season I have drastic cycle changes. When it turns to spring I have mania. When spring turns to summer I have more intense mania. I do not mind these because I will always choose mania over depression. I dread the season change from summer to fall and fall into winter. I tend to slip into the deepest depressions of any of my cycles throughout the year. I cannot fight these season cycles anymore than I can change the changing of the seasons.

I was not always aware of these guaranteed changes until my wife pointed them out over and over again. I think it took me eight years to finally accept this fact. This acceptance of fact has helped me in embracing these changes and doing my best to prepare for them. I know this is not an isolated case because my uncle who has bi-polar suffers from the same seasonal change cycles. I just wonder if this is the case for all those who suffer from this illness. I know there are those who suffer from depression depending on how much sunlight they receive.

I have been consciously trying to find ways to get out of my cycles. I already know the best way to curb a mania is by loading myself up on Seroquel. I usually try to not take myself out of manias because I thoroughly enjoy the feeling it brings. I have two types of mania a positive and a negative. When I enter into the positive mania I experience euphoria. I am a better father and husband, because I interact with my wife and children more. I give off a positive vibe, and I am always hypersexual. I am more creative in my positive writing projects, and I am able to edit my work so much easier. Overall I just feel really great. When I hit my negative mania, I am still more creative except this time I focus on my negative projects. I am typically still jacked up except this time I am very irritable and crabby.

I always seem to fall apart when I have my crash and enter into depression. All I want is to be alone and sleep. I have found only one positive from this shitty state; I am more creative with my really dark stuff. My greatest talent tends to be my dark stuff, because I am really good at describing my pain in a poetic way. I have already slipped into two separate depressions. Stopping these depressive states are much more difficult than curbing my mania. There is no magic pill which takes it all away. I have found three things which will bring me out of a depression; Madden, writing, and energy drinks. These things seem to always pull me out. These three things always lift me into a happy place.

I have always thought I suffer from rapid cycling, because I can jump to one extreme to the other at the drop of the hat. Every doctor I have ever seen has told me this is impossible. If this is impossible then why do I have them? Is there a mood disorder which causes rapid changes from mania to depression? All I know with each passing day and the closer we get to winter I can feel myself needing to fight these depressive states. Last year when I hit my most extreme low I can ever remember was due to the season change. I started to write “My Descent into Madness” in September and wrote my final words to my family in November. I did not deal with the season change very well last year. I do have the new Madden so I could try to play that more. I have two new poetry books I am almost done with, and I also am finished with the next installment of Dylan Thomas; so I have a ton of positive work going on. I can always go to the store and buy energy drinks. I hope with these three newly discovered coping mechanisms I will be better prepared for winter.  

 Winter is here

Mother Nature has laid waste

To her children

Shrouding men in death

By: Tim Lundmark

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Comments
  1. First off, I don’t understand what you mean when you write, “I have always thought I suffer from rapid cycling, because I can jump to one extreme to the other at the drop of the hat. Every doctor I have ever seen has told me this is impossible.”

    I thought that is what bi-polar disorder is! Back when the docs thought I had it — before it was discovered I had Klinefelter’s Syndrome (KS) instead — this characterized me to a tee. My life was like a roller coaster. One minute I was on top of the world and the next minute I was plummeting down at break neck speed.

    BTW, have you ever had your hormone levels checked? Since you’ve fathered children, KS is out, but there are several other congenital defects in that area.

    The other thing I was going to share is that I too have trouble with the changing seasons. Actually, it’s with the change itself; my pain level shoots up during each of the 4 transitional periods. It happens every 3 – 4 months like clockwork!

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Rambling,

      That is what bi-polar is except it is not supposed to be rapid cycling. They say each cycle lasts days to weeks not a day or hours. I do not understand how this is impossible. Any thing is possible yet my doctors have dismissed this. I can have cycles lasting days or weeks, but there are times they can change from hour to hour

  2. gail says:

    Get a Light Therapy Box…works for those who suffer from ANY seasonal change. First used for those who suffer with Seasonal Affective Disorder…also works on many disorders…and those with none. You can find them online and at medical supply stores.

  3. midnitechef says:

    Writing has helped me, it gives a positive output from me, blogging has only increased the joy I feel when writing to see others are reading my work. I just realized that this spring, in particular the Day Light Savings time shift has sent me into mania. Big time. Just this week I’ve nearly beheaded my hubby with curses, screamed at the top of my lungs over the stupidest smallest things, made my 6 yr old cry (after screaming), and have a terrible time focusing on anything (feeling like I have ADD). The worst part is making my kids cry, they think it’s their fault, that they did something really bad. They’re little and don’t understand that the mind and hormones are not always nice to mommy. I also get more depressed in winter, especially mid-Nov to Mid-Feb, the darkest coldest part of the year. Since moving from Canada to Texas I get much more sunlight, so the mania is more pronounced here. But like you said, I would take the mania over depression – at least I get stuff done. I want to find herbs or OTCs that can calm the inner Hulk without putting me to sleep, or maybe sleeping it off would be better. Melatonin leaves me groggy the next day, are there others that work for people with bi-polar disorder?

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