I needed to take off of work today. I have gotten to the point where I am collapsing from within. I need a weekend of meds and sleep. I hope by Monday I will be out of this slump. I hate being depressed it is truly the worst feeling. I am just so fucked. I am sad because I was going on such a long streak of happiness. Something just happened and I snapped. Yuk! I do not know what I would do without this blog. It is my mental release. I had also been on a streak of writing non-personal pieces. I do not know what is better exploring the things on my mind like philosophy, or am I better suited to just let loose with my mental malfunctions? Which one is more interesting? This blog has always been verbal vomit. I have so many things going on in my head, and this is the only way I can get it out. I feel embarrassed about my post yesterday. I thought about deleting it, but then I would be cheating myself.

I hope to find peace this weekend. I am afraid it won’t come. I am scared I am going to hit the next down level. This place is so dark and scary. It is filled with despair so painful it makes me sick. I have been walking down the stairs of sanity for the last week. I am afraid I am going to hit the basement. It is cold and lonely down their. This is where I was last year when I started writing my final words to my family. I am nowhere near wishing for the reapers touch, but it only takes one thing to push me down the stairs. I hope to watch shows this weekend and find some serenity.

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Comments
  1. johanna says:

    Your analogy of walking down the stairs of sanity is a very accurate and powerful way to describe your depression. I am glad you post all of your thoughts. You have made quite a few “virtual” friends and I’m sure I’m not alone when I say I find your thoughts unique and interesting and I am glad to lend support. I have experienced just a fraction of what you have but I can relate in some sense. Please reach out to someone if things do get bad. I know your family loves you and would do anything to help. If you need to go to the hospital, then so be it. At least you’ll be taken care of.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Johanna,
      Unfortunately I cannot go to the hospital. I don’t think my employer would keep me if they found out I had to go to the psych ward. I also don’t go because of my kids. I am afraid they will not understand. There are about one to three times a year I get to the point where I need to be hospitalized for my symptoms, but can’t go because it is just not an option. I just have to fight through it the best I can. Thank you for your concern.

  2. Nancy says:

    I also have that “one thing to push me down the stairs” feeling. It’s always out there waiting. In the meantime I write and watch funny shows. I try to avoid anything that I know will cause more anxiety or depression. Sometimes being around people helps me, but we all have our own unique list of stress busters. I hope you find something to enjoy this weekend. Take care of yourself.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Nancy,

      Welcome to the community. I am catching up on some DVR shows, and watching football today and tomorrow. I was able to sleep for almost twelve hours last night. I figure as long as I can stay away from negativity this weekend I should be ok.

  3. But a smiling visitor here to share the love (:, btw great design and style. “Better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad.” by Christina Georgina Rossetti.

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