Like most people in America I am very self-conscious about my body and the way I look. I feel very uneasy in my own skin, which I think adds to my shy nature and lack of confidence. I have never really thought I was part of the “beautiful people” which over the years has really bothered me. I find this kind of strange since I am very anti-conformity. A sure sign of conformity is letting society dictate to you what is beautiful over what is ugly, and what is popular over unpopular. I am not sure why I have allowed mainstream media to say to me whether I am beautiful or not, but I have and still do. I trace the root of this complexity to my early experiences with television.  

We are bombarded everyday with television, magazines, movies, and commercials’ telling us what is sexy and what isn’t. When I was younger I was introduced by the media to something called “popularity” and the opposite side of the spectrum the term “geek.” I was not yet judgmental of anyone until I learned of the social divide within the subculture known as public schools. I knew from movies such as “Lucas,” “Pretty in Pink,” “Weird Science,” and “Can’t Buy Me Love” the last thing I ever wanted to be was a geek. The popular and beautiful people in these and other movies of that time showed me that my highest objective in my youth is to be on the proper side of the cool meter. (Apparently during the eighties if you had any sort of eye conditions you were doomed to being a dork, and most likely a part of the AV club.) I did not need glasses but for most of my childhood I was on the wrong side of the cool meter. The more I found myself in this crowed the more resentment grew towards myself. I think the years of being teased only furthered my desire to be “beautiful.”  I was never able to achieve this elusive label.

I wish I felt more comfortable in my body, but I don’t. In my lifetime I hope to see a world that puts very little emphasis on the outward appearance of people. I want to live in a world where your beauty is judged by who you are inside not what you look like on the outside. I know ultimately I am responsible for my own body and if I wish to change it then I need to quit whining and do something about it. I know this but it is so much easier to say then to actually do. The problem I have is I lack any self discipline when it comes to my eating habits. I do not eat breakfast or lunch during the week, so my only meal is dinner. This is never enough to fill me up and I end up snacking until late at night then lay my fat ass down and go to sleep. I work a desk job, so I am sitting down all day long and get very little exercise when I am at work. The last thing I want to do when I get home or on the weekends is spend hours at the gym, when it is so much easier sitting on the couch watching football. I know because of all this I have only myself to blame for my appearance and I am in a cycle of self-loathing, then acceptance then self-loathing again. My body is by no means as out of control as some others, but I definitely have a belly and love handles this is where I end up carrying all my excess weight. I have never thought I carried it well hence why I am so self-conscious about myself. I just once want to be noticed as an attractive man, instead of what I am.

Why do we place such a large emphases on beauty? The Tao teaches us to never judge, and says the only way we know beauty is because we have defined ugliness. Children are far crueler than adults. I know now I will not be teased for my appearance as I had in my youth. I feel confident in not being judged by others, but I still feel a sense of sadness knowing I will not be judged for my beauty. I know I won’t be judged for my non-beauty so I guess I will take what I can get. I have hit the point where my self-loathing of my appearance supersedes any positive feelings I have. I have reached the point where my worries over others judging me have turned inward where I am always judging myself. This inner judgment has been destructive on my overall self-esteem. I just want the day to come where I can purchase extra large clothing and not feel like a complete slob. Although I am between sizes I want to hang my head high when I purchase size 38 jeans. I want to see some commercials where my peeps are doing underwear commercials.

I think an aspect of the American Dream is to have a membership in the beautiful peoples club. I do not know many people who would willingly shun this exclusive membership. I am sure you wouldn’t find one single man or woman who would say “I really just wish I would get fatter to further distance my chances of ever getting laid.” I don’t need to worry about this though because my wife thinks I brought sexy back years ago and hasn’t left since.

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Comments
  1. Nicole says:

    DUDE you brought sexy back the day you wore 5 yr old Austin’s super man costume!! And I have a picture to prove it.

  2. I’ve ALWAYS been a geek and a dork. (I’m damn proud of it too.) I simply don’t worry about other people’s perceptions of me.

  3. corey bratt says:

    way to choose to be yourself. i will say that i’m fine with not belonging to a gym, although we do have a free membership to my husbands’ fitness center at GE, which i’ll only use when i’m injured. other than that, it’s running miles on the road and P90X. go for a walk outside with the family or a hike- it’s free, because you still have to worry about your health, and that’s sexy too 😉

  4. corey bratt says:

    it isn’t that crazy of a workout. when i first did it, people on the support boards were people that had never worked out, and were quite over weight, and they did fine. i’m on round 4.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Corey,
      I need to do something so I at least can feel good about myself. I am a smoker and I have zero stanama. I am trying to quit not only so I can start doing cardio but also because it is killing me. The problem I had when I was exercising was I hated cardio so I worked on building mass. I was able to build up muscles, but still had a truck full of yuk fopr a belly.

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