“You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.”
Barbara de Angelis

You can never lose by loving because love is the supreme positive emotion which we can ever experience. It can also be said that love can be the most painful emotion when it is lost. I know from experience; a broken heart can completely tear your soul apart. The question examined here is if a day of love is worth a day of pain? I sit here right now examining this question and wondering if the pain I have felt over lost loves was worth the joys it brought.

Including teenage love (which isn’t always real love) I have been in love a few times in my life. I do remember the exciting joys of when you first start flirting and getting involved. It is so new and so exciting. I remember when I was teenager talking to my girlfriend for hours at night never running out of things to say. The conversations would last so long until one of us fell asleep. There was this great feeling of becoming connected. Nothing can beat the certain excitement over the butterflies you feel when you first start falling in love. I remember wanting to spend every waking moment with them because I didn’t feel complete without her. The joys of being loved, and loving was the greatest narcotic of this thing we call life. I remember these dream feelings, but I also remember the nightmare destined to follow.

The days and months prior to and after the loss of my first love was the most painful emotional rollercoaster I have ever been on. I could sense the impending doom of our relationship which only caused me to try to cling to her even more tightly. This clinging did nothing but put the final nails in the coffin of our relationship. When it was finally said and done it felt like somebody ripped my heart out of my chest and defecated on it. For months and even years I felt the after affects of my loss. I am sure every one of my readers can relate to the joys of your first or even third love, and can also relate to the pains of those loves lost. So I ask again was the two years of happiness, worth the two years of pain to follow?  

I think I would have been better off holding back than jumping into things with both feet forward. I had love and acceptance issues growing up, and when the first person who came around outside of my family started to show me love I was hooked. I wanted my life to be completely about her and us, and this over smothering eventually caused the downfall of our relationship. We were just teenagers yet we were dating like adults. After this relationship I held back on every one of my subsequent relationships. I built a wall and system which kept me from falling that deeply in love with another person again. I had many different relationships after; but I held back on each and every single one of them. The last thing I ever wanted to feel again was the pain of a broken heart. I think even today there are still remnants of this wall. So I ask again was two years of love worth the damaged caused many years later?

I think love is like reincarnation in the Buddhist faith. With every life you learn a new lesson on your path to enlightenment and enter into Nirvana. I think in each time we enter into a relationship and allow love to enter our hearts then feel the pains of love leaving we take with us a valuable lesson to apply to our next relationship. With enough lessons mixed with fate we finally end up with the one we are truly meant to be with. Hopefully with enough lessons learned you will become an enlightened mate, and not be the douche which caused your last four relationships to fail.  

I think this advice is great but I have to question the credentials of the source. De Angelis is a relationship consultant, and personal growth advisor. She has written fourteen best-selling books on these topics. This all sounds great right? Well she received her master’s degree in psychology from Sierra University which isn’t like going to a real school. She then followed this degree up with a Ph.D. in psychology from Columbia Pacific University which is now-defunct unaccredited institution. Okay so just because of these two things we can not necessarily discredit her knowledge of relationships, but we can with this… she has been married and divorced five times! I personally do not think anyone who has failed that many times at marriage should be qualified to give others advice on relationships. I leave you with some lyrics from “The Rose” which speaks eloquently on not holding back.

“It’s the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It’s the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance
It’s the one who won’t be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live”

“The Rose” by: Bette Midler  

I think if I didn’t head the advice of this song than I would have never found my rose. If I never allowed the seed of love to be planted than I would be alone with out my wife and family, so I guess you could say either way you look at this conundrum; it all ends up working out in the end.                                          

 

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Comments
  1. There is one EXTREMELY important aspect of love that you left out: In order truly to love anyone else, you must genuinely love yourself first. In order to give love, we must first learn to accept it. What better place to learn this lesson than from looking in the mirror.

  2. “You can’t love until you love yourself” and “if it hurts it isn’t real love” are things we hear a lot, and things I’ve said myself. But I’ve been looking at abusive relationships, writing about them, challenging them, and I don’t know how helpful these thoughts are any longer.

    We’re suggesting that we know ‘real’ love, while people who are hurt, stuck, or confused do not.

    I don’t think that’s true.

    I don’t think that I, or anyone else, has the right or the authority to define “real” love.

    And I don’t think telling someone she’s not really loved or in love helps anyone, especially her. It only adds to the blame, the minimization of her experience, and the loss of self esteem.

    And in the end, she probably does “really” love, and her abusive partner may “really” love her too. Just because we love doesn’t mean we know how to do it well or respectfully.

    I think we need to be careful of the messages we send, even here.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Karin,
      First welcome to the community! I agree love is subjective just as reality is. Those stuck in the cycle of abuse on both sides are by all accounts in love. You and I may agree that this is dysfunctional love and unhealthy, but it is not up to us to define love for others. The message I was trying to send was looking if love is worth the pain of lost love. I wasnt really focusing on it in an abusive sense just an overall sense. I in no way was trying to define it as an absolute truth. I may need to re-read to make sure I am sending the proper message.

      I hope you return for more.

  3. I’ve got a number of articles on abusive love on my site, and would love feedback…

  4. […] it comes to what I feel is a great post is in two posts I wrote last week. I thought when I wrote You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. and Absurdism, Religion, and Nothing. To me I thought I just wrote something which was brilliant. […]

  5. mimi says:

    I got it Bad for a guy I immediately felt wow~! the moment I layed eyes on him, before he ever saw me. I don’t really know him, but it is more than just i want to have sex with him. it probably will never be. He is happily married with children while I am unhapily married with dogs and feel far beneath him. Still wish I could be loved by such a sexy, intelligent, respectable guy. One you can really have a converstaion with. I feel mad knowing I am not his wife or love. I have acted not myself in front of him and even alone because of him, but I wish he knew I wanted just him in the most loving best way possible. Dreaming……
    Never going to be able to tell him this or show him so I am posting it here. I really don’t know much on love because I have only been with 4 guys(one of them my husband) and not really in love with him. Only with him mainly my whole life and not a good situation. If dreams came true I would give all myself to this man that I wasted on my husband all theese years. I have a feeling he would have appreciated the real loving me. Wish we met when we were young and both single. I would gladly do anything to be with him , but it is not my place to break up a happy home or continue to ask for love when it is unwelcomed. Besides, I wouldn’t know how to be a mom to his kids, I can’t and won’t ver have any, even if he did love me and married me .

  6. Lisa says:

    Thank you

  7. I am genuinely thankful to the holder of this web site who has shared this impressive
    piece of writing at here.

  8. illy says:

    This entry is so economical: says so much in such few words. I mean, this central question is so big. And maybe there is no answer, sadly. I do believe that the greatest task set before any human being is to learn how to love well. As well as you possibly can. And in order to love well, there have to be periods when intense pain would challenge the goal. Having said that, i just read an interesting theory where concerning love and dysfunctional/abusive relationships: basically, we all have walls. These walls get built because of how we metabolize love and pain. How we answer the central question of your entry, in other words, give rise to our walls, which are designed to help and protect us in present and future scenarios. These barriers usually get traversed by people who don’t have healthy respect for boundries. So inititally, when the walls come tumbling down because the interested party is determined to get through, the experience is jostling but something of a relief as well.

    • illy says:

      … not surprisingly… not long afterwards… dysfunction and abuse ensues.
      Resulting in more pain.
      barriers, as described in your post…”holding back” has to be respected until the architect who constructed those walls is ready to demolish them him or herself. Problem with me is: if it were left to my decision exclusively… i don’t think that i’d ever do a jericho. So usually some fool with issues comes to topple my walls down. Like i said, i had never read the theory before. There’s something to it. Supposedly, the healthy way is to notice when people respect your boundries, and then slowly…. little by little…. YOU dismantle the barries. Wow. What a thought.

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