Do you remember the feeling you had after watching movies such as “Shutter Island,” “The Sixth Sense, or “The Others?” This feeling where the whole story just seems to flip on you, where everything that was is now wasn’t. These types of twists are mind fucking adventures, and I love them. I remember thinking to myself after watching “Shutter Island” that nothing of this magnitude could ever happen to me… I was wrong.

I just discovered the greatest mind fuck of my life. My wife made a comment on a post I did last week where I said I was basically kicked out of Crown College. My wife sent me an e-mail and said I was never kicked out of that school so why would I say that? I sent her an e-mail back going over the situation which occurred and questioned her memories of this situation. She then informed me I dropped out because my mental status had worsened to the most dangerous of levels. I immediately told her to stop messing with me, and relayed that this is not a funny joke. She proceeds to tell me she is not joking, and is indeed very serious. This was my Shutter Island moment.

I am really bent by this because I have no recollection of what she is talking about. I literally have no memories of this scenario she had laid out, and what’s worse is my reality which once was is now wasn’t. One of my symptoms of my mental illness is memory loss and or confusion with my thoughts. My thoughts can get jumbled and I will interpret what I hear or see differently than most. I know I have had issues in the past where the combination of dreams, media, and real life get melded together to form an altered reality. I am now in a state of what is, and what is not. This causes me to blur these alternate realities together where I cannot tell one from the other. Perhaps I was in such a state and took memories from my dreams and supplanted them into what I now know as reality. This is really twisting me up inside because this calls to question how much of my memories are even real memories, or which ones were supplanted into my mind. I then need to question the reality I am in at this moment while I am writing this. Is this what is, or is it what is not? Is what I remembered from yesterday what is, or what wasn’t?  

I try not to think of this very often because frankly it is mind numbing. I enjoy this topic on a philosophical level, just not on a personal one. It is as if I am looking at hundreds of puzzle pieces from many different puzzles mixed together. I then have to somehow put these pieces together to form one puzzle. This is hard to explain if you have never experienced it or lived with someone who has, but it’s almost like déjà vu, but what you think you have already done before, really happened on television, in a movie, a dream, or something that has happened to someone else. It is almost as if this cross fires my brain into creating something that is not.

I have had this fractured memory in my head for seven years. This means for the last seven years I have been living a lie. I want to sit down with everyone who is close to me and unload my memories to see what is and what isn’t. I am haunted by not knowing my true reality. I wish I knew the exact reasons my mind created this alternate reality in my head, and was strong enough to have me forget months of my life. I was in a panic and called my therapist a few times to get some advice on this. She finally called me back on Friday to council me. I laid out the situation to her, and explained I was in a panic not knowing what is real and what isn’t. She told me this scenario was normal for people who reach intense mental breakdowns, and often causes the subject to create false memories.

I felt better after the call to at least know what I was experiencing was normal on a mental illness level. I am still left wondering what reality is, and which other of my memories are not real. I suppose I will only be able to find the right pieces of the puzzle by checking with those who are close to me regarding memories I have. This still does not cure the way I shape reality. I think what it comes down to is I will always be in a state of what is not, but I suppose since this is reality to me, then what is real is; so I shouldn’t worry about it.

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Comments
  1. Johanna says:

    I agree that it would be absolutely disturbing to have this happen! I was kind of freaked out when I realized that memories I had from childhood were remembered by my 6 year old mind (or whatever age I was) and may have been just my perception of what really happened. What I understood as a child might have been completely different from what was really going on. Being over- sensitive, I have a feeling that some things that really affected me negatively when I was young, really weren’t that big of a deal. The mind is a weird and mysterious thing.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Johanna,

      I to have issues with my childhood memories. I know I grew up in a bad situation which still affect me to this day. I think I have chosen to forget most of it. Since I remember all these bad things I think I have also blocked the happy memories.

  2. PiperSaysPunk says:

    This is disturbing. But sometimes I get the feeling that there is globally something wrong with our realities. What if we are all living a huge lie? What if this is happening to all of us? Except that some people notice it, like you, and some will ignore it. What if reality is like in the movie “Matrix”? This scares me sometimes because I often get the feeling, like you, that I have an alternative reality in my head. I travel to it when I dream. You see, I have problems with dreaming. When I wake up, I freak out because for the first 20 minutes I am unable to pull myself from my dream. I fall too deep into sleep and my dreams are too real. I could also try and talk to someone, like you called your therapist.
    I enjoyed your post. I’m, in a way, glad that I’m not alone out there with similar opinions.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Piper,
      First off welcome to the community and taking the time to response!

      The concept of reality and what is happens to be one of the main things I think of when it comes to philosophy. If one spends enough time searching into themselves and their own reality it can be mind opening. In this country we get our news from the media, and from this media we form opinions and conclusions, but we cannot say that what they are telling us is actually real. It could be information spun from the right or the left who really knows. I am off topic a bit but our realities are not only created by us as individuals it is created by the magic box we watch all the time.

  3. Just so you know, I have a great memory for facts and statistics, but NOT for things that have occurred in my life. Once now becomes then, it sort of leaves my mind and, later, I try to reconstruct it as best I can.

    Whenever I want to call up a childhood memory, I need to run it by my brother, dad or old friends to see if what I think I remember is anywhere close to what actually happened.

    My brother gets a kick out of the fact that I have a tendency to meld several different events or incidents into one memory. 😀 He will say something like, “No, that happened when you were 14 and that other part happened when you were 10. The person you mentioned wasn’t a party to either occurrence.”

    My usual reaction is, “Oh okay, so how did it really go down?”

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Rambling,
      Funny. I feel better knowing other people suffer from this in one form or the other. Many times when my MI is in full gear I can feel like I am all alone with my feelings and experiences. It makes me feel less abnormal.

  4. sunnydelyte21 says:

    Oh wow,

    I remember when my daughter’s godmpther confronted me about what happened when I was pregnant after I left my ex.

    I laugh at it now…but at the time I had loss complete grip on what was real.

    She told me how I was go off when people said I was pregnant…I thought I wasn’t and it was clear to everyone around me that I was…

    its a long story but I guess I can kinda sort of relate to you… wow..

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