Over the last couple weeks I have been confronted with my own mortality. This has become a crippling fear which is overwhelming me. It all started from reading my Sports Illustrated. In the beginning they have these small little blurbs, and I begun to notice there were many people who were dying of cancer at a relatively young age. I am not talking as young as say twenty-five; I am saying these guys were dropping dead in their fifties or sixties. This concept has been eating away at me. I think that I may only have twenty to thirty years left to live, and my first thirty-one years have gone by in a heart beat. I smoke and chew so my time may be even sooner than that. So this has been bothering me, but what really set me off was a response I received from one of my Facebook status messages. It was from my cousin reminiscing about our youth. I sat back and realized this time, and it seemed like just yesterday. Yuk! I am festering with fear right at this very moment.

This comment has been hanging over my head like a dark rain cloud. I remember going to see my grandparents over the weekend with my dad. Their place is as clear in my mind as if I just saw it yesterday. I remember catching salamanders and snakes, and exploring their gigantic garage, which seemed to have a little bit of everything in it. I remember picking raspberries and exploring the massive woods around their property. These memories are so fresh in my mind yet were over twenty years ago. In sitting here I can bring up emotions and feelings I had during this time, and the thought I will never experience them again terrifies me. I will never again know and feel what it is like to be six or even thirteen years old. I am stuck in the age that I am in, and at times I feel like a prisoner inside of myself.

It is amazing how fast time goes, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Tomorrow will come regardless if we want it to or not. One guarantee in life is every year you are moving closer to death. I end up focusing on this very fact and it blinds me from seeing today. There will never be another day like today. It will slip away from you if you do not siege the present moment. If I am unable to be completely present in what is going on right at this moment then I am cheating myself out of yet another day. If I continue to fear my own mortality before I know it I will soon be confronted with it. The last thing I want is to look back during my dying breath and realize I lost so much time worrying about this very moment.

I really do not want to die, I mean who does. There are times when life is at its worst when I dream of being released from my torture, but these times have grown to be few and far between. I am so afraid of the concept of never having another thought. I fear being lowered into the ground and in time forgotten. When you think of the millions upon millions who have died in the last twenty years how many of them do you think are truly remembered? I know I never think of my great grandparents and I have zero memories of their lives. They have been forgotten and yet life still moves on. Time does not care about anything and is as cruel as the devil himself. It can never be conquered. Even the mightiest armies will fall to father time, if this is so then what chance do I have?

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Comments
  1. Nicole says:

    Why dwell on the worst case scenario’s of life? …. Those great grandparents you do not remember, they are and were remembered by the people they touched in their lives. Life and death are not about what you are publicly known for or remembered for, they are about what you are known and remembered for to the people you share the life and death with. It is about instilling in your children what you believe to be good, so they go out and carry on your legacy in life, then they do the same to their kids, you are remembered by that.
    You miss out in so much with family when you ignore the present.
    Tinybuddha text from today: “whatever the past has been, you have a spotless future” I say this all the time to you, any day YOU choose you can create a day that you are proud of what you did and who you were that day, then the next day YOU can create a day that you are proud of what you did and who you are, then the day after that YOU can create a day that you are proud of what you did and who you are. And before you know it everyday has been about being the person you want to be. Life is not perfect, days will happen that are gloomy, but focusing on worst case scenarios in all aspects of life only create more gloom than good days. It’s not that hard to do I promise!!!!

    Its all a choice in life. 90/10 mantra.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      I think you need to be added to the wise leader list. I know I will be remembered by my family but they to will age to the point where there kids kids will know nothing about me. In time you are just forgotten. THe morals and ethics I bread into our children will go on and on but that is not the context in which I was writing.

  2. E_Dragon says:

    What chance do you have? The only chance that matters really, to appreciate what you have. =)

    I have faced death a few times in my life and in my 41 years and counting, I have faced death by drowning, by sleep apnea and by what would have been a horrific car crash on the highway. The latter involved a 18 wheeler head on as I was trying to pass on what looked like a clear road. Beware the long dip straightaway is all I can say and let me tell you in that instant, it slowed down and circumstances led to me being able to pull back into the lane seconds before the oncoming rig flew passed. It was quiet in the vehicle for some ten twenty minutesin the vehicle as we all contemplated what you are right now.

    The circumstances will be different for each of us but the destination will be the same. So can the journey but given the choice, we can walk down the road fearful of what lies beyond the horizon, unseen, or we can accept that life ends for us all and we might as well enjoy the scenery rather thanworry about what we can’t see.

    As for the near drowning and the sleep apnea, I can tell you with some conviction that there is peace. It was peaceful.

    Death can be a horrible thing and no one knows that better than those who clean up after highway accidents, or unnatural murders, or even the people who work in the emergency ward.

    Death can also be a peaceful thing as I found out with the near drowning and the dream I was in when I had stopped breathing in my sleep.

    Do not fear death for it is not only a release from the trials of this world but it is also the start of another journey that will bring us back to those loved ones thaqt have gone on before us.

    Death is both a very personal as I feel you have just realized but it is also very much a shared experience when you consider your loved ones and their loved ones and their olved ones…and so on and so forth.

    Live for each day, appreciate what you do have and know that the uncertainty of now knowing what lies beyond our earthly lives, well it doesn’t really matter at that moment before you die. Some have suggested that you will have all of your questions answered and that might be true but really it is up to you to accept what you want to.

    Just don’t let it cripple you to the point that you do not live your life today or tomorrow.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      That is my point. My mortality keeps repeating in my mind over and over again. It is distracting me because I cannot get it out of my mind. I feel sick to my stomach with fear and yuk

  3. E_Dragon says:

    Appreciate what you have, remind yourself of that each time it repeats and hopefully you will find a balance.

  4. Johanna says:

    “No eye has seen, nor ear has heard what God has planned for those who love HIm.” This passage from the bible gives me hope. I wish you peace of mind.

  5. I don’t fear death, only dying. Life and death are two sides of the same coin.

    Here’s something to think about: Maybe we have it all backwards. Maybe we are each dead right now and, what we call death, is birth.

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