Inside My Wall

Brick by brick

This wall I built

In empty space

Alone I am placed

Look into my hazel eyes

A lonely man afraid to cry

Joy escapes me

An illusion

A lie

Straight faced

I live the daily grind

No one sees me

No one cares

Unlock my office door

And alone I sit

Holding back tears

Living in my fear

This man of rhyme

Just doing’ my time

At home I smile

Just so they don’t see

That pain and suffering

That engulfs me

Silently they sleep

Alone I weep

Afraid to say

How I truly feel

I don’t want locked doors

Hospital meals

I want to be able to choose

How and when I will lose

No fake love can save me

The choice is made

Dig my grave

By: Tim Lundmark

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Comments
  1. Johanna says:

    Love the line, joy escapes me, an illusion, a lie. I am glad you are able to write again but worried about how you are feeling. In real life a lot of people care about you. Know that.

  2. Bipolar-heArts says:

    So real, so honest, so raw.
    I feel ur pain, Tim. Please try 2 b strong. I knw its not that easy, but just hold on! I’m praying 4 u x

  3. Emily says:

    Tim, I really hope you are still there and I know I’m not the only one in this hope. You’re obviously an incredibly gifted person – your words are absolutely beautiful. Maybe broken people are the only ones who have the courage to sink down into themselves and let that beauty into the world. That’s something to hold onto and live for. There are so few beautiful things in the world – what a gift that you can create these words.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Emily,
      Thank you. When I look into the mirror I see only ugliness. I hate my reflection. My symptoms have gotten worse over the weekend. I so wish I could be completely honest with everything that is going on. I wish I could articulate and speak the truth, but I don’t think anyone will really ever understand.

      • Emily says:

        Just think how much more they won’t understand if you never say anything.

        Anything you say, even grasping for truth, will help everyone in your life that much more. I saw that you’re submitting your manuscript – that’s certainly a great way to speak out and let people in – let people read it. Authors always pass their manuscripts around for opinions before submitting to publishers, there’s no confidentiality requirement. You can make copies and give them to the people in your life who need to know if that’s easier than sitting down and talking about it.

        I understand the feeling of being outside looking in on your own life. You see the things you do (or don’t do) that push people away and you can’t do anything to stop it. Like a dream where your legs are suddenly full of lead and you can’t change what’s happening. Or you reach a point where you’re so detached that you’re apathetic.

        It’s going to be really hard, but those are the moments when you have to choose to fight for yourself. Nobody will do it for you. They can help, but ultimately it’s up to you and the choices you make. You can decide to be a victim or a champion of your illness. There were days I’d get up in the morning and say, “You know what? F*** you, I’m going to have a good day, dammit!” It didn’t always work, but it put me in the driver’s seat for once. Try anything. Try everything. But never stop communicating.

      • Tim Lundmark says:

        Emily,
        I have a hard time being honest with the depths of what is actually going on inside of me. I worry about rejection, being commited, judgments, and lack of understanding. As I stated before I am horrible at self-talk. I rarly think positive unless I am in a mania otherwise I am doom and gloom which is much where my anxiety and panic come from.

  4. Johanna says:

    People don’t need to understand when they love you.

  5. Johanna says:

    Ya, well, quit doing that. If you are aware of it, you can stop it.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      The strangest thing about this is I am on the outside looking in. I am just sitting there watching everything fall apart. I have a tendency to push away and destroy anything that is good in my life. My therapist says this is part of my ASPD.

  6. […] provided it remains unmodified and original authorship and copyright is retained. Pe aceeasi tema: https://mydescentintomadness.wordpress.com/2011/01/28/inside-my-wall/ Tags: calea ultima, esenta, Lao Tse, Tao Te Ching, Tao Te Ching […]

  7. Vanessa says:

    very powerful… packed with emotion… you’re brilliant… I hope you know it. *hugs*

  8. hames1977 says:

    dear tim,

    depression manifests in this poem. it is an ongoing cycle and offers no redemption. quite heavy this time.

    wishing you the best of times.

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