“Sometimes the glue that binds us together can be the same glue that rips us apart.”

Tim Lundmark

This thought came to my head this morning while I was in a deep reflection on my current mental status. February begins tomorrow and this just happens to be the most evil month. This has never been a very good month for me in the past and is usually when my winter cycle comes to a damaging head. I am not sure why this is the case. My “cycles” can be rather predictable. I tend to cycle with every changing of the seasons like clock work. Spring and summer bring mania psychosis, while fall and winter deliver depressive psychosis. This usually doesn’t just hit right away it is a gradual fall from grace, usually two to three months in the making. When I think about this it makes me sad because this means I am only “normal” one maybe two months a year if I am lucky.

The way my mind works is there are times when it is clear and I am high functioning (the one or two months.) When I hit this point I am at my greatest. I am present in the moment and I am receptive and give out understanding and love. It is during this period I am unable to write poetry, but I am able to write my “Dylan Thomas” books. In time my mind slowly starts to worsen, and as time progresses I start to fall apart. When a piece of my sanity falls off I quickly grab it; throw some glue on and stick it back into place. This is fine and I am sure perfectly normal, but it seems as time passes more and more pieces fall off each day, to where I spend all my psychological energy just picking up the pieces and trying to put it all back together. The end result is I run out of glue giving me no means to put the pieces back together.

It has been a really tough go as of late, but I feel lucky I was able to have a relaxing weekend. I had to take Friday off because my son didn’t have daycare, so I ended up having a three day weekend. Although this weekend was relaxing I still wish I had more time off, because I don’t feel ready to jump back into the daily grind. I am not prepared for this; I am having trouble gluing myself back together. I worry I will not be able to do this. I have thought about talking to my boss about what is going on. I need the comfort of knowing that if I end up in the hospital I will not lose my job.

It felt good this weekend because I relieved much of the pressure inside of me by just going with things. I just went with it, and this may have been a mistake. When I talked with my mother and sister they thought I was on drugs. I think this is just further evidence I shouldn’t really share the truth with what is really going on. My symptoms are still pretty intense and I feel myself sliding further away from sanity. I wish I could log on here and just go off about all the things I am feeling and thinking, but my family does not think this is the appropriate forum for such things, yet It felt good posting my last two pieces. I have received many responses from people who have felt or who are going through something similar to what I am dealing with. There encouraging words and their ability to relate to my plight made me feel a bit better about things. It felt good knowing I could put my words out there like that and have an emotional impact on another person. This simple thing is what motivated me to become a writer in the first place, so this is awesome.     

I am so embarrassed with what is really going on in my head I do not feel I would be met well if I went into everything that was going on inside of me. I feel if I were to just jump on here and free write it may end up making me feel a little bit better, but then everything that I am will be exposed. It is this exposure I am afraid of. It is the rejection I am afraid of. No one is ready for what is going on. I feel if I were to just grab somebody on the streets and put my mind inside of theirs they would kill themselves in less than a week. They wouldn’t be able to deal with it. I suppose like anything else you just get used to it, but I am sick of being used to it. I am so tired of the pretending. What was great about this weekend was I let go and stopped pretending.

I realized after looking over some of my comments I received that I have picked up many Christian readers. I am so appreciative of their readership. I enjoyed reading their comments and wondered if my exposure as of late means something or not. I am afraid once I do a piece which is anti-religious I will piss them all off, and lose their readership. I feel I am at a crucial point in my spiritual journey, and I do not want to hold back my feelings on this topic. If the God of the Bible exists I need to work through my anger towards him, but at the same time I have found that Taoism is giving me a level of spiritual peace. Needless to say I am concerned about this.

I only have thirteen hours left to finish my book “Trapped Within My Illness.” I have to have the manuscript submitted by the end of today to meet their open submission period. I am so excited about this project and I really want to get it out there, but their response time is six months and I am unsure if I want to wait that long just to get the rejection letter. I want to put it out there, but wonder what the point is in that. I am embarrassed to say I have sold zero copies of “Yin” and “Yang.” I really think this one is better than the last three that I wrote. I blame my lack of sales on the fact I haven’t done any readings, if I submit it to this publisher I can’t do any readings until after I get the rejection letter because then I can just self publish.  

To sum the whole thing up I am just not ready for today. I am not ready for tomorrow and the start of February. I am working hard to glue my mind back together. My symptoms are getting worse, and although it was liberating to just let loose I still have other things going on which I am embarrassed to talk about. I just hope I make it through this month. I really just need this to stop because it is getting to the point where I just can’t fight it anymore.

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Comments
  1. Johanna says:

    You know, by law, your job cannot terminate your position because of mental illness. You can go on disability while you are in treatment. I think you need to really stop trying to fix this yourself and check in to a facility that offers excellent medical help to people w/ the same problems you have. I know MN has a lot of wonderful resources for you. Stop fighting it and go somewhere!!!!! Go talk to your boss right now. You owe it to yourself and your family.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      My boss is not here. I think if I knew I wouldnt lose my job I would probably take the risk to get help. I do not want to be locked up it is a horrible feeling, so once I agree to go to the hospital I lie my ass off just to get out of there. I am worried about what my kids will think and I am worried about what my boss will think and who she will tell about it.

  2. Traci says:

    Tim,
    Please don’t take my question of if you were on drugs as negative towards you expressing yourself. You need to speak about the thoughts that are in your mind and what your feeling. Otherwise they will get bottled up until you explode. I was unaware you were having a let all loose weekend so when our conversation started jumping to various things and you were talking so fast, I just had to ask…Not because I thought anything negative, it was because I love you and care for you. I hate to see you suffer and I only wish the best for you. Besides, I think a “let it loose” weekend is a good idea for everyone, helps to recycle the mind, refresh the spirit! 🙂 Love you Brother, hang in there!!

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      I was just really confused last night. When I heard both you and mom thought I was on drugs I was a bit offended but no big deal. I should not make phone calls whaen I am like this

      • Traci says:

        You can call me anytime, regardless of what is in your mind at the time. You needn’t be offended either, there was no harmful intention meant. We all love you very much Tim and only wish the best for you.

      • Tim Lundmark says:

        I know. I suppose it is a level to where I do not know who accepts me for who I am when I am in this state. My history with the family and my MI is a mixed sort of thing. I do not know how to describe it I just know it is wierd. I suppose I am looking for family to give me a level of support that is unreachable. I want someone to grab me by the hand and say they understand and that everything will be all right.

  3. My blog has always been anonymous for the very reasons you describe – I want to be able to put out there exactly what I’m going through when it’s happening and not fear that my friends and family are going to think less of me because of it. I find being able to write like this very liberating and extremely therapeutic. I wish you the best of luck as you struggle with your moods. Oh, and you’ve just gained another reader. 🙂

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Mental,
      Welcome to the community,
      I wish I made my blog private. I use it as a tool to sell my books which isnt working very well. I just wonder if I can make it private now. If I go in and change name will that then erase all my online stuff? But then again I do not write in a pen name so I suppose I need the exposure

  4. DP says:

    Tim,
    Hang in there. I often feel like I’m just getting by… barely. I was raised Catholic and became a radical protestant Christian around my senior year of high school. Needless to say it was radical/legalistic/arrogant/narrow minded/doomsayer. Since living in NYC and being out in the world, my faith has had many shifts in view.

    The question of faith bothers me too, especially when it comes to the practicing “Christians”. If you were to gauge my lifestyle with their barometer, well, I’m going to hell as back-sliding Christian. My family is also very religious and I am constantly debating with my mother about “truth”.

    Where do I stand today? It’s not that I deny Christianity, I just embrace ambiguity and chance much more. I am okay with the unknown and I think at the end of the day some people have a problem with that. If you read my article on remembering the challenger explosion, I talk a little about this. It’s actually the same reason I refer to myself as the spaceman.

  5. DP says:

    If the God of the Bible exists, he knows exactly how you feel and why you feel that way. He will also provide all that is necessary to overcome (dare I say even if it is Taoism?).. I just feel like if a being “GOD” exists, there is nothing we could possibly understand on that magnitude.

    Whatever attributes or traits any human being could develop or begin to understand, I doubt it’s the full answer to our never-ending question of God.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      DP,
      Loved the insight on if the God of the Bible exists. I wonder this when I ponder the religion. I question if God is as jealous and vengful as the Bible makes him seem. I can relate to the concept that man will never understand what exactly God is. Taoism teaches this in the first veres. “The Tao that can be named is not the eternal name”

  6. Johanna says:

    I agree DP. We always search for meaning and I have a feeling what we are searching for has been with us all along. I think we all think too much when trying to figure out who God is and what He wants of us. Perhaps it can all be stated in one simple word/action….love. Simple and to the point. God is love and he wants us to love. Period.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      I overthink God because to me this is the biggest decision anyone can ever make. Religion is such a polarizing concept, and it defines who we are to a point. I can buy into the love concept. It makes it a lot easier.

  7. Emily says:

    The point of Christianity and evangelism isn’t to stay inside with our bible study groups and have polite conversation. It’s to find people we think could benefit from our support and show them what we believe in, hoping that they find peace the way we have found it. Granted, a lot of people forget this, or they get tired, or they get discouraged and give up the conversation, but it’s no secret to us that there are people out there (lots of them!) with different ideas about God. In fact, most of the time I find myself defending my faith to other, fellow Christians. It’s refreshing to talk to an atheist! 😉 Keep writing.

  8. renxkyoko says:

    Tim, your writings are so profound and , I hate to use this word but I think this is the best one I can use, ” sane” I cannot even imagine you are actually struggling with ” mental illness”. But I really, really hope for your well-being. Take care.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Renxkyoko,
      Please I would love for you to elaberate on this thought some more. I have worked very hard to cover up my illness and over the years I have gotten really good at it. I think this is why I haven’t been hospitalized in six years. I am interested to hear more of this thought because I am taking this comment on two compleatly seperate levels and I need to know which one is right.

      • renxkyoko says:

        Tim, I really have no idea how it is to struggle with your condition. I go by your writings here and they are just so profound and so well thought of that it’s hard to imagine they were written by someone having ” mental ” issues. Or maybe I just have this stereotypical image of a person who is incoherent and incapable of having rational thoughts.
        I’m sorry I’m having a hard time explaining . (^__^)

      • Tim Lundmark says:

        Renxkyoko,

        No I understand what you are saying. I think you may have some stereotypical thinking going on here. Yes people can digress to the point they are incoherent and incapable of functioning. My illness has yet to take me to this point, but I need to accept that this is where it will one day. I have spent the majority of my life fighting this, and in this process I have developed ways to hide and mask what is actually going on. Even though there may be a lot going on symptoms wise I usually do not write about it in great detail on here. It just so happens last week it just came out. There are many more aspects of my symptoms which I do not even touch on in fear of how I will be viewed. My symptoms have been the worst they have been in many years, but I still have part of myself in reality which keeps me from becoming incapable of rational thoughts. I do hit bumps to where I am incoherent, but I keep these things away from my writing. I think it is a misconception among the general public that all those who suffer from MI are visually lunitics, to where you can pick them out in a crowd. I think Ted Bundy is a great example of this. He was a complete sociopath yet you would never know from looking at or speaking to him. I am glad you like my writing though. Kind comments such as yours always boost my self-worth.

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