Random Ramblings

Posted: February 1, 2011 in Random, Random Thoughts
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Writers block is still here so I thought I would just pull some scattered and censored thoughts from my head.

I feel a lot better about myself when I am properly dressed, and I have a certain confidence in my stride when I am wearing a new outfit. This new outfit glow lasts about the first half-dozen times I wear it. I have little to none of a chance looking presentable if I were to walk around naked. Let’s just say with my belly I need to bend a little bit just to see my penis. I know my men readers will understand how damaging this is to your self confidence. God knows people would be begging me to put some clothes on. I feel the only way I can look good is by wearing certain clothes, and the new ones are always the best. 

I submitted my manuscript “Trapped Within My Illness” to Gray Wolf Publishing. It is hard to find reputable publishing houses who accept manuscripts from non-established authors, and in-fact most publishers do not accept unsolicited manuscripts from anyone. Getting poetry published is damn near impossible, but there are a few smaller publications which will still accept poetry. Gray Wolf is one of them, and they happen to accept open manuscripts two times a year. I feel like this project could have been finned tuned a bit, but I missed last year’s submission period and I really wanted to give this a shot. I am anticipating a rejection letter, and at that time I will just self publish. This puts a damper on my readings, because I do not have a solid book to sell so I will just hold off until I receive that letter than pound the pavement. If anyone knows of any publications that accepts poetry manuscripts please let me know. Also if anyone knows of any agents out there that represent poets please let me know this as well.

Recently this site has seen its biggest increase in readers since I started it a year ago. Like I said in my post yesterday I have somehow amassed a rather large religious readership. I have been wondering how exactly this has happened, since there are times I completely shit on this religion. I know it has been sometime since I went on a ranting against religion, and like I said yesterday I am now worried about offending people. I have only had this feeling one other time and that was with Johanna a Catholic reader. I noticed she was a regular contributor so when I did one of my religious posts I was so worried I would offend her, but she is still around. Perhaps I shouldn’t worry. I also do not want to censor myself in fear of how other people will take it. Over the last year I have found myself on a spiritual quest to find faith, and perhaps this is the sign I have been looking for all these years, but then my logical side kicks in and says this frame of thinking is illogical.

I would like to stay on religion for a moment. Last year I had an idea to write a book entitled “Deceived.” The premise of this book is to illustrate how Satan has deceived the church, and as a result has lead people away from God. I realized when I first started to work on it; this project would take a year or two to complete. With my other projects this one just kept getting put at the bottom of my priority pile. A recent conversation with some readers reinforced to me how important it is to get this project going once again. I was going to just write a post about it, but the sheer volume of the content is far to large for a blog post, and I am having trouble condensing it to just one post. I am just as intimidated by this project now as I was a year ago. Perhaps the best thing to do is get some sample chapters together and submit to some agents and see if I can get an advance to dedicate the proper time needed to finish this project. I feel with how passionate people are about this religion; this may prove to be some valuable information as well as being entertaining and controversial. 

I have disclosed more personal information about myself in my last few posts than I had in the past year. I am not sure what motivated me to open up my personal situation using this forum, it just kind of happened. I do know I have been suffering from some pretty severe writers block, and I figured if I just wrote than I could kill two birds with one stone. I was writing a post and getting some of my feelings out there. I still had to go back and take much of the content off the post because if I went into to much detail I would turn people off and probably gotten myself committed. When you have been through the system, and experienced commitments you learn there are just certain things you never say, unless you want to end up in the hospital. I am in a dilemma because it felt great writing about what was going on inside of me and exposing my nakedness to the world.

I need to now ask myself if I want to document everything that is currently going on inside of me without filters, or do I go back to the normal theme of my site. It seems that my inner personal turmoil is more interesting to my readers than just randomly pulling non-personal thoughts from my head. I feel my obligation as an aspiring writer is to entertain my readers, and if they are entertained by my suffering then this is what I should be writing about. The problem I have is I am sure this will get boring after awhile.

I am really stressing about work. My job performance has gone down the shitter ever since my MI has gotten worse and I am torn about whether or not I should sit my boss down and talk to her. Things have not been the same between us since I wrote that post awhile back about my work. I want so badly to say something to try and get things back to the way that they were. I used to have a great relationship with her, but that has since been damaged. I worry my decreased work performance and impending hospital stay may cause me to lose my job. I feel like they are watching my every move and conspiring to find ways to get rid of me.

So there you have it the censored version of a portion of my mind. I know it is not as interesting as my last few posts and I thank those who suffered through it.

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Comments
  1. brendamarroy says:

    Hi Tim,
    Thanks for clicking like to my post, “Gifts Received While on the Road.” I’ve read your blog,Evil February and this one, Random Ramblings. I’m not religious,nor am I into religion at all. Perhaps a lot of religious people are reading your blogs and responding because they feel the need to “save you.”
    Well, that would not be me. I’m reading your blog because I’m interested in what you have to say. The rawness of your writing draws me in. Thanks for having the guts to put yourself out there.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Brenda,
      Welcome to the community. I look forward to your input. I to feel one of their reasons is to “save me.” Even though I am an atheist I welcome the gesture. I feel the need to find some sort of faith. I relate the best to Taoism, but I do still read the Bible. This book intrigues me. I appreciate the kind words. I usually do not talk about my issues per-say. Most of the times you get what you get.

  2. Johanna says:

    You know, you should just write an uncensored, memoir detailing the struggles and successes you endure on a day to day basis. If you end up going into a program (which I highly encourage you to do) you could document your stay. You could put all of the things you are afraid to say in your book, then publish it under a pseudonym.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Johanna,
      Funny you say that I have thought about this idea many times. Like “Deceived” this goes to the bottom of the list. I feel most comfortable when I am writing about my struggles I think perhaps this may be good, but I am not sure why anyone would be interested in my struggles.

  3. Johanna says:

    Tim, people may be interested for many reasons. They may identify with what you are going through and find comfort knowing they are not alone, or they may, like myself, find you interesting and have compassion for you.

    As far as your religious following, I doubt anyone is trying to “save” you. We’ll leave that up to the “guy upstairs”. You tend to ask religious questions and you are given religious answers to ponder. Consider yourself lucky to have found so many people who concern themselves with you.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Johanna,

      I am not sure my readers know how lucky I feel. They have given me their ears to express myself on this forum. I suppose a book of my struggles may be helpful for others. I wouldnt even know where to start. Do I start at the begining and try to remember the trials and tribulations of my childhood, or do I start in my teens when I was first diagnosed and later became an addict. I suppose there are so many things I could write about. I would have to make it a shorter book.

  4. Johanna says:

    You just start at the beginning and write and the editor will decide what needs to stay or go.

  5. lunasealife says:

    Hey Tim! Thanks for the like! 🙂

    Never worry about offending anyone – People resonate with authentic expression of your own truth! If you’re worrying about other people, you’re trying to manage their emotions, and you’re taking away their choice of how to react to you.

    Re Satan you might be interested in my post about what Satan and Santa have in common:
    http://lunasealife.wordpress.com/2010/11/15/what-do-satan-and-santa-have-in-common/

    And another post on The Bible vs Dan Brown:
    http://lunasealife.wordpress.com/2010/11/19/sincerely-yours-no-wax-promise/

    By the way, I decided over the weekend that I want to get tattoos on my forearms to remind myself that I always have a choice between fear/pain/suffering and love/joy/creation. I’m thinking two yin-yang style koi fish, one on either arm. I dig your tattoos!

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Lunasealife,

      Welcome to the community. I look forward to hear your insight. I love the Yin/Yang concept. I have I currently have three yin/yang tats and some of my others are eastern related. I have seen the style of the yin yang koi fish. I have seen ones with one part fire and one part water. I think if you were to break it apart I would recommend putting them on each side of your back shoulder blade. I also advise to not pick your tat based of “flash” art. The tats I like the least are the ones I just chose on a wall. Yes they still hold meaning to me, but nothing beats a custom design. You have such a great sense of happiness knowing your tat is a real one of a kind

  6. tinadot says:

    You know I never understood people who say ‘don’t judge people by how they look’ – how people look says EVERYTHING about them. So it makes total sense you would feel better dressed better, you are projecting into your own life a more positive outlook and treating yourself with more consideration! 😀

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