“The mere attempt to examine my own confusion would consume volumes.”
James Agee

I wonder if you were to crack open my skull and dissected my mind what you would find. My mind is a cancer on my soul and rarely makes sense to me. My mind 89% of the time is on hyper drive and I am bombarded with so many thoughts and ideas. These thoughts come across as voices in my head, or over powering thoughts which continue to repeat themselves over and over again until the voices and thoughts are screaming at me. It is hard to be present with the outside world when I am trapped within my own mind. This chaos in my mind causes a cloud of confusion often time leading me to become dazed, confused, disorientate, and delusional.

I have found that writing at least eases some of the pressure on my brain. The problem is I cannot capture every thought or idea. I may come up with an idea for an entire novel in my mind. I know all the characters the plot beginning middle and end. This will swirl around bombarding my mind, and then poof just like that it is gone. No matter how hard I try to remember the details I cannot remember a thing. My mom for Christmas last year got me a recording device so I can just turn it on and talk it out, but sadly it is broken. I feel cheated because I wonder how many great ideas are lost amidst the screaming and confusion.  

I am not sure how the normal mind works, let alone my own twisted mind but solving this puzzle would be a great accomplishment. I wish there was a device I could hook up to my head which constantly grabbed every idea and thought and nicely file it so I could go back for later review. I cannot even imagine the brilliant books I could write, compose some breathtaking poetry, write interesting blog posts, and create delightful “Dylan Thomas” books. My problem is I cannot type or write how fast my brain works, so many things are lost. If this machine existed I would be very pleased. This contraption could not only pull my thoughts, but could also file my feelings nice and tidy. I would then be able to manage my emotions more effectively.

This machine would come in perfectly for my current writers block. I still have all this shit going on in my head, but it is trapped. I need to strain to grab a hold of these ideas and even then they come out jumbled and incoherent. I have been unable to produce quality work in almost three weeks now. My thoughts and ideas are unsystematic and scattered. My mind just wants to shut down, stare off into nothing, and listen to music. It has been getting harder and harder to write, and for me this is a huge deal. I suppose all I can do is keep plugging away at posts until my block is lifted. It upsets me that I am not able to capture everything going on in my head right now, because I know it would make for good reading.  

I think like this quote says the attempt to understand my confusion would create volumes upon volumes of work. Even if I had everything recorded and in its proper place I would still end up confusing myself because the daunting task of trying to put everything together would prove to be to overwhelming. My mind is so complex and multi-layered I do not think even the strongest device could extract everything and put it into order. For example while I am writing this I am bombarded with this constant thought of hiding in an igloo, the urge to draw penises on my wall, the need to somehow create a wall mounting to display all my pens, what if California falls into the ocean, who is controlling the white noise which is frying my brain, and why they came up with the name fruit bats. This was just the first six thoughts which came to my head. This is but a grain of sand in the overall workings of my mind.

I try and cope with this by trying to drown out the thoughts and voices with music. I hate silence it is my archenemy. If I am sitting in silence I am filled with a sense of panic because now all I have are my thoughts. My mind quickly spirals out of control, and I am led down the rabbit hole so to speak. This is why at work my music is always on to drown out my mind. When it is time to write I lift my hand in the air and try to catch any idea and just try to hold onto it long enough to make sense. The posts you see on this blog are all just random thoughts from a random mind.

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Comments
  1. Well, you’ve very aptly described how my mind is a good deal of the time. I sometimes will be taking a shower and will think through my next blog post. I come up with the theme and how I will maintain the theme from start to finish.

    By the time I finish the shower and race upstairs to my computer I have forgotten almost the entire narrative!! I may only remember the first sentence of the first paragraph or the third sentence of the 4th paragraph.

    It can be frustrating as hell. No question. I just figure that, if I could forget it so quickly, then it must not have been that important. If it IS important, it will come back to me at some point.

    As to the voices/repetitive thoughts, I try to find some project to concentrate on — something that completely is divorced from the recurrent voices/thoughts. It’s my way of trying to drown them out. It only works about one-half the time. 😦

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      My thing is music, tv, or video games. The voices are muffled during these things. They are still present but drowned out. It really blows. When my mind gets to these extremes it feels as if someone is grabbing my brain and squeezing the shit out of it.

  2. Johanna says:

    I think everyone has weird thoughts sometimes like the ones you mentioned. The thoughts themselves aren’t so unusual. It’s just that the rest of us can ignore them. Maybe when your brain gets overloaded like this, racing like it does, it’s telling you something. Perhaps your brain does need to rest by listening to music or playing video games. Do what you need to do and try not to get too upset. I’m sure that your being freaked out doesnt help anything.
    PS. If California does fall off into the ocean, I’m going with it. See you in the next life, brother. (Lost reference:)

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      These thoughts and voices are unlike my other issues I normally have. This damn writers block is destroying my world. For the last year it was so easy for me to write these posts but it has become painstakingly impossible to say what I want to say. I have thought about doing some different kinds of posts which may require less writing. I have lost just all motivation and will to do anything in life. I just need an escape and my default escape is drugs and the last thing I want to do is go down that route

  3. brendamarroy says:

    Hi Tim
    If they had a machine to capture our thoughts and keep them in some type of order until we were ready for them, it would be a huge seller. Everyone I know would want one, including myself. What a great idea.

  4. Wow! I like it. I like it. So, Tim, my reply to your post reflects a reaction to your words in the affirmative. I caught your name when you were responding to a post about spelling and finally located your blog.

    My understatement here notes that there is a lot going on inside your head and outside in your blog with the prolific manifestations of your words and writings.

    Thus, it will take many more visits and more readings to fully savor your blog path. You hit the marks correctly several times. To pen a cliche, Write on! (And thanks.)

    Randall

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Randall,

      Welcome to the community. I look forward to reading your thoughts.
      Thank you for the kind words. There is only so much time in a day so it is always an honor to know people take the time to read my work.

  5. tinadot says:

    Totally relate! In addition to just writing to write….something I’ve found helps me is to use whatever available to help save those thoughts…like I will write out my thoughts in a draft text message for later, or draft email message, word doc…piece of paper post-it whatever…EVEN IF I never compile this all into one ting later having just WRITTEN IT DOWN whether virtually or otherwise helps the chaos subside!

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Tina,

      I carry a lap top bag with me everywhere with two journals, two notebooks, the Tao Te Ching, my books, and anything else I am reading at the time. I make sure if something comes to my head I get that stuff down.

  6. tinadot says:

    Further than that I find hitting the gym, however a simple solution, and really sweating balls helps quite a bit as well haha 😀

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