I would like to kick this week off with a pinch of randomness, and a dash of updates. I am happy to report that last week was my best week statistically since I started this blog! I am both amazed and pleased at all the new readers stopping by. For those who have been reading for awhile, you know this is a huge measuring stick for me. The reason for this is I compensate my low self-esteem with my blog stats. If I have a good day where I have many readers I am filled with a great sense of self-worth. I know I should not care about this, nor should I allow it to carry so much weight but it does. Something Rambling told me once was I cannot call myself a writer if I am writing just for stats. My main motivation when I write is not for stats per say. I write because I enjoy it, and this is a good tool to hone my skills, and it’s a good way to expose my books. For some reason though I always get a sense of accomplishment or failure based off my readership for that day. I think one of the key reasons people write is to be read, and for me this is the ultimate accomplishment.

I decided to listen to some advice I got from Joanna and finally talk to my boss about my current mental health issues. I was a bit worried since I have lost jobs by exposing my truth. I was amazed when she handled it with great compassion and understanding. She gave me some FMLA paperwork to have my doctor’s fill out so I am able to get some time off of work to deal with my current episode. My sanity has been slipping away day-by-day, and it has become increasingly more difficult to consistently keep myself grounded in reality. One example of this is when I embarrassed myself last week. I always walk with my head down, and as of late I have been hearing everyone I am around laughing at me. When I would look up they would all stop. I was in the elevator and there were about four people in there and I kept hearing them laughing at me. I finally got so irritated I asked them what they were all laughing about. Needless to say they looked at me rather funny. I was really embarrassed. Normally I am able to keep myself in check, and this example only further confirms my issues are getting out of my control.

I had an emergency appointment with my therapist and she agreed I either needed to be checked into the hospital or take time off of work. I will be getting the FMLA paperwork back from her on Tuesday, so I may be taking this leave sooner rather than later. I also have an appointment with my med doctor later today to get my meds changed in hopes a new batch of meds will knock the crazy out of me. I think it was Wednesday or Thursday of last week I told my wife I think I needed to go to the hospital. She recommended I try and take some time off, and see my med doctor. All they do when you check into the psyche ward is load you up on drugs and release you back into the wild. She thought we could do the same thing from home. If I am able to get a leave at work I can then lock myself in my house away from the world and my med doctor can adjust my meds as he sees fit.    

I wrote a few posts lately which garnered much debate in the comments section. This debate is centered on the religious and the nonreligious. As I sat there reading the comments back and forth I decided it was best I stay out of it. I am so torn between these two worlds I didn’t want to flip flop between the two opposing sides. The conversations got a little heated and I felt bad for each side. I am at a crossroads in my life right now and I desperately need both parities inputs to help me find whatever it is I am looking for. I enjoy Ramblings input because he always reels me back to logical reality, but I also enjoy Johanna’s input because it helps quell certain fears I am having, and fills me with spiritual hope. There were many other people who contributed to the conversation, so I am sorry if I left you out. I just wanted to use my long time readers as examples. Talking about religion can always lead to heated emotional debates. I just want to say to everyone “can’t we all just get along?”

I am still suffering from writers block. This has been going on for almost a month now, and is by far my longest drought I have ever had. I just continue to try my best to write it out. I figure the more I try everyday the better chance I have of breaking this evil curse which has been put upon me. I attribute this curse to the fact that I am trapped in my mind, and my inner prison cell walls are far too fortified to allow anything out. I have thought about taking a hiatus from this blog until my writers block has been lifted, but I cannot walk away from my self-perceived obligation to not only myself, but my readers as well. Since I started this blog I have religiously written posts Monday through Friday week in and week out. There may have been a few times I missed a post here and there, but for the most part I have stayed consistent. It is this consistency along with my OCD which makes me not want to take a break. My fear in continuing this is the quality of posts I am producing. Which is worse not writing or writing poor material? This blog has finally after a year started to really take off, and I want to make sure I am giving my readers something to read, but at the same time I want to make sure I keep all these new readers, and if I am writing poor material I may not be able to keep you guys around. I worry that I have already written all the things I can and now the well is all dried up. Perhaps it isn’t a writer’s block; perhaps my best is behind me.

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Comments
  1. Johanna says:

    “All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well” Julian of Nowich

    This mantra sings of optimism and pure surrender and I hope it brings you peace in your time of healing.

  2. Sarah says:

    “can’t we all just get along?”

    Tim, I just wanted to respond to this quote in your post. I hope you didn’t feel that way about my replies. That wasn’t my intention.

    I’m so sorry if that is how I came across. Please forgive me!

    Honestly, I was enjoying the conversation. I do desire to see you find hope and peace. I’m so glad to hear that Joanna has been there for you during this journey in your life.

    Please know that you have one more friend, if you need it.

  3. I don’t understand your worry re writer’s block. You’ve written several interesting posts lately — ones that have spurred much in the way of comments.

    This makes me wonder if you have a rigid definition of what a blog post by Tim should entail. In my opinion, when you write from the heart that’s a good blog post and you’ve have not had any drop-off in that respect. So, it appears to me that you are NOT experiencing writer’s block; it’s more a perception block. You aren’t perceiving that your recent writing has been meaningful.

    As to the issue of some heated exchanges re religion/philosophy, it comes with the territory. Passionate people write passionately and these passions often butt heads.

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Rambling,
      Thank you I needed that. Perhaps my standard of what is good is skewed a bit. I feel relieved to hear you are enjoying the read. This relieves some stress from my mind. I know religion is a hot blooded topic, but it is a great topic indeed

      • One other thing. When replying to my comments, you could just as easily address them to “Trey” as “Rambling”. Yes, it is true I use my moniker as I travel around the blogosphere, but I list my name behind the moniker at the very top of my blog. Besides, you & I have communicated outside of the blog format, so you know my name — Trey Smith — anyway.

      • Tim Lundmark says:

        Trey,
        Wasnt sure if you wanted your name out there. I will start using your name

  4. jennirey says:

    I think all writers feel the way you do.. when I write a Poem and post it in the poetry forum ..I find myself going back over and over again just to see the comments..It takes me over too..

    Good luck with the Doctors.. the stays in the hospital are to regulate meds in a safe place..Not seen as weakness, recognizing this is a strength.. I wish you good luck..(My daughter visited two hospitals) while she was healing

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Jenn,

      I actually just got all my FMLA paperwork in order. I start my leave tomorrow, and I should be able to fix this by doing med changes from home and seeing my therapist three to four times a week. I hope this will work. There is nothing I dread more than a hospital stay

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