The Philosophy of Me

The Life and Mind of no one Special

When I Close My Eyes

Lately when I close my eyes I have been seeing the same thing over and over again? The vision and the nightmares which follow always remains the same. When I close my eyes it starts out with blackness with vague splashes of white light. Soon the flashes of light disappear and there is nothing except the dark. I walk endlessly in this darkness making out formless shadows, until I see a flicker of light in the farthest of backgrounds. I walk towards this light until I can just make out the vision of a chair and a television. I cannot see what is on the television but I can see the faint splashes of color. I walk towards this chair and television, but somehow it seems like I am not even moving. The image seems to stay at the exact distance no matter how far I travel. Eventually I tire of the journey and fall asleep.

Over the last few weeks I have been having the most horrendous nightmares night after night. The nightmares are always different but share two common themes. The first theme is I die in every one of them. Prior to this most recent rash of dreams I always believed it was impossible to die in a dream, but I now know this to not be the case. The way I die is different from dream to dream, but the feeling and sensation I experience are exactly the same. Once I die I experience nothingness, just pitch black then a terrifying void of nonexistence. I immediately wake up in a panic with my body dripping with sweat.

The other common theme is the man who is in my dreams. I feel I should give a brief history of this man since he has been with me since I was ten. I was in the fifth grade and living with my grandma at the time when one night I had the most frightening dream. I remember this night and the subsequent events which followed me like it was just yesterday. The brief synopsis of the dream went like this.

We just moved into this new house and while we were given the tour by the realtor we came across this metal door with six locks. Along with these six locks were an additional six pad locks. We asked the man if he had the keys to this door. He chuckled and said “no but there is nothing in there and we had no need to not go in there.” I went to bed and woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. As I was walking down the hall I crossed the door and all locks were undone and the door was slightly opened. I had this sense of fear with a sense of curiosity. I opened the door and entered the room. What I saw next is burned into my mind. The room was empty and cold. The walls were covered in blood with designs and various different phrases. In the center of the room there was a man sitting in a chair with his back turned to me. The man was rocking back and forth, and mumbling words I couldn’t understand. I could see his hair it was long, black and greasy. All of a sudden with a blink of an eye the chair turns around and this man is staring at me with his cold black eyes. He gets out of his chair and runs towards me grabbing me by my shoulders and says “dead is better.” I awoke immediately and as I turned to look at the door I could see the man standing there saying “dead is better.”

I was in such intense fear I went straight away to wake my grandma up. I remember that entire morning I was shivering and I wouldn’t leave my grandma’s side. The following nights I was afraid to fall asleep in fear of having a reoccurring dream about this man. Since that night I have had nightmares about this man. He is the personification of evil. There have even been times I have thought I have seen or heard him during the day. I remember this one time I thought I saw him during class. I remember freaking out because I thought I saw him outside. I was so afraid I made an embarrassing scene in class. It has been years since I have dreamt about this man; now I dream about him every night, and when I awake I can still hear him speaking to me.

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February 17, 2011 - Posted by | Dreams, Evil, Fear, Nightmares | , , , , , , , , , , ,

18 Comments »

  1. Oh tim, that sounds just awful. Sometimes meds cause horrible nightmares. Maybe u could ask your dr. About it. If you really believe it is an evil presence, you could always consider exorcism. There is an exorcist assigned to every diocese in the us. Just a thought if you truly believe it is demonic.

    Comment by Johanna | February 17, 2011 | Reply

    • When I tried to explain this to my father he said I need an exorcism. He believes this man is a demon.

      Comment by Tim Lundmark | February 17, 2011 | Reply

  2. For me, it’s not a man but a shadow. It has followed me since I was very young too. However, there is one difference: I always see the shadow when I am awake and lucid — never in a dream.

    Of course, my rational mind knows the shadow is an illusion. When I try to ascertain its source, it quickly becomes apparent it was never there in the first place.

    I have yet to figure out who the shadow is or its significance. All I do know is that it is my companion and it pops up more frequently than I usually care to admit.

    Comment by The Rambling Taoist | February 17, 2011 | Reply

    • Maybe your shadow and my man is our illness personified in an image. Our illness will always be with us and these manifestations could be proof of this.

      Comment by Tim Lundmark | February 17, 2011 | Reply

  3. Well Tim if it isn’t a demonic prescense then an exorcism wouldn’t be of any harm.

    Comment by Johanna | February 17, 2011 | Reply

    • When I think about the whole process I am consumed with anxiety. I would feel akward and uncomfortable.

      Comment by Tim Lundmark | February 17, 2011 | Reply

  4. Jeez! I had goosebumps while reading this one.. @_@

    Comment by Leianne | February 17, 2011 | Reply

  5. I know but if it gets worse, you could have an exorcism for a last resort option.

    Comment by Johanna | February 17, 2011 | Reply

  6. Tim, that is one heck of a nightmare. I got scared, like I was watching a horror film. I have nightmares too, but there was one particular nightmare where I woke up palpitating so much I thought I’d passed out. I wrote about it on my blog immediately in case I forget. Have you watched the movie Jeepers Creepers? Yeah, that’s the monster who was running after me in my nightmare.

    Comment by renxkyoko | February 18, 2011 | Reply

  7. It’s funny, I used to be big on dreams in college (not too long ago haha). By that I mean that I practiced dreaming (Yes, you can practice dreaming)… you wake up 15-30 minutes before your usual wake up time and then fall back asleep. As soon as you dream and wake up, write it down as fast as possible with all the details. After a couple of weeks of this practice your memory becomes better and better and your dreams longer. At some point, you may even have a lucid dream in which you know you are dreaming and have full control of the dream (I’ve only had 2 of these, but it was incredible).

    In terms of nightmares, I love them… generally because I always win (maybe that makes them non-nightmares). Most of my nightmares have definitive enemies though.. Aliens, a murderer chasing me, sharks, lol. Maybe I’m just an odd 26 year old.

    I also love horror movies.

    Comment by DP | February 18, 2011 | Reply

  8. Time, perhaps you should try practicing your dreaming and hope you’ll be lucid in one of them… then bam, you get control.

    Comment by DP | February 18, 2011 | Reply

  9. Rambling Taoist, tried to comment on your blog but not sure why it isn’t letting me… I asked a question about your comment in my Spirituality post… also, check out my new post :)

    Comment by DP | February 18, 2011 | Reply

  10. Hi Tim…that is seriously scary stuff.
    Compared to your dreams mine pale into insignificance.

    Comment by granny1947 | February 19, 2011 | Reply

  11. I also thought “this guy might need an exorcism” as I read this. Or maybe just a psychotherapist, someone who understands dreams and can help you through this. Because that was scary enough just to read, can’t imagine living with it.

    Comment by Brandon | February 20, 2011 | Reply

    • There is so much more going on in this dream than what I mentioned. Not only was the dream more detailed, but the incidents involving this man is also more intensive than I what I wrote about.

      Comment by Tim Lundmark | February 23, 2011 | Reply

  12. Hey Tim, I think while you are resting you should let me and rambling do a guest post. What do you think?

    Comment by Johanna | February 22, 2011 | Reply

    • Johanna,

      I think that is a fantastic idea!!! I would love to see what kind of post the two of you could come up with. Would you write together or each one of you write a seperate post. It may be interesting to read a point counter-point type style post. I am doing a post today so let me know if you guys want to do one together (Thur. or Fri) or seperate (Thur and Fri.) Have you already spoken to Trey??

      Comment by Tim Lundmark | February 23, 2011 | Reply

    • Johanna @ Trey,

      If you do send me a post or two please e-mail it to thephilosophyofme@yahoo.com. I can’t check my work e-mail from home. Just comment on here and let me know it was sent.

      Comment by Tim Lundmark | February 23, 2011 | Reply


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