We are traveling to northern Minnesota this weekend to see my family. While we are up there we are going to just hang out and enjoy some merriment while drinking and playing games. This sounds like a blast, but what I didn’t mention is we will be spending Saturday at the water park. It was a blast the last time we went, but I am having a lot of anxiety and shame over having to take my shirt off at the park. I wrote about this a month ago so I apologize for repeating myself, but I am tremendously insecure about my body. I have been intending to do something to lose this weight for sometime now, but it is just that intending not doing. I have been trying for years to either come to grips with my belly, or take accountability and do something about it. I am sad to say that I have not accomplished either. I feel confident that someday I will get around to it; I am just not sure when. There are a few body tattoos I want to get, but there is no way I am going to get them due to my girth.

I am desperately trying to find peace with who I am; both inside and out. I am 5’ 7” and currently weigh 188lbs, but when I look in the mirror what I see looking back is someone weighing 350lbs. I am in-between a 36/38 in pants size, which I do not think is a very good thing. I know I can lose the weight if I really work at it. About three years ago I dropped a bunch of weight. I was eating healthy and working out. It felt great because I was in-between a 34/36 pants size and weighed 160lbs. I still had a belly but it was nothing compared to what it was or what it is now. I had a bunch of energy, my moods were more stable and best of all I felt happy with my body. I was staying home with the kids at this time so when my wife got home I would head off the gym five days a week. Once I started working again I stopped going to the gym and hence gained all this weight back. It is very difficult for me to work all day, and once the home stuff is done it is eight o’clock and the last thing I want to do is lift weights and do some cardio. I think a bigger problem is I have my nightly routine and it is very hard to stray from that routine. I know all it will take is a week of following a workout schedule before it would be fully intergraded into my nightly routine. So why do I not do this? Why do I still eat extra cheddar goldfish at 8pm at night instead of going to the gym?    

There are many people who are overweight, but they carry their weight very well. I admire these people because of regardless of what they weigh they have this certain confidence in themselves. The only time I have confidence in myself is if I am dressed well. There have been a few times I look in the mirror and say to myself “damn I am sexy.” This is usually accomplished the first fifteen times or so times I wear new clothes. I just wish that confidence and sexy feeling lasted every time I wore those same clothes, but it wears off after time. I would love nothing more than to just embrace my appearance, and just live my life. What I try to say to myself is if it is good enough for the Buddha than it should be good enough for me. I would much rather be like the Buddha instead of some shallow perfect everything type of person.

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Comments
  1. renxkyoko says:

    LOL

    I like it that you’re being such a regular guy now and writing about your weight, hahaha.

  2. Karen says:

    Tim, you are not alone with these feelings. It’s simple, eat healthy and in moderation, cut out alot of the fat, exercise and drink in moderation. With that said, if we all did that we would all be skinny. I am with ya man, as I too have been on that roller coaster ride of fat. We just got back from FL and I put on my suit, embrassed by menobelly and enjoyed myself. Tim too has a belly but he takes his shirt off. We need to embrass who we are and if we don’t want to, loose weight. It is not easy, I know. So maybe keep a tshirt on at the pool of just…..go for it. You look marvelous sweetie!!

  3. At least as a man, you never have someone come up and ask if you are having a baby!
    I carry my weight almost totally out front around the middle, and pretty much every year someone asks if I’m pregnant. It is completely humiliating!
    Since I am now 51 years old, it is also getting ridiculous!
    This last time put me over the edge. I now have a photo on my fridge of when I was pregnant, to remind me why I am trying to eat less and move more. What is really sad is that in that picture I weighed about 35 pounds less than I do now! Obviously that makes my first goal to get down to my pregnancy weight. Dang, that sounds awful even to me.
    Jodi

    • Tim Lundmark says:

      Jodi,

      I was just sick with embarrassment at the water park. I have been trying to psyche myself up to start making some real lifestyle changes. When I went to the doctor on Friday I weighed 196lbs. I thought I was around 188 so I was not cool with this. My goal is to eat breakfast and lunch then a healthy dinner, then eat nothing after 7pm. I also want to get on the bike for 45 min a night. Yesterday I ate breakfast and lunch, but I ate after 7pm and didnt ride the bike. It is so very hard to make lifestyle changes

      • Tim,
        I weighed almost as much as you do a few weeks ago (191), and for a woman that is especially not cool. I have it down a bit, but I tend to plateau at around 180-185 and get stuck there.
        One of my issues (well, okay two) is that I have chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia, so I get exausted easily and my muscles hurt a lot more than usual, particularly after exercise.
        I am trying to get back into using my WiiFit, which was helping before Christmas when I was using it every day, and going for a walk around the block most days, as well as cutting back on portions and laying off more carbs.
        I am always up several times a night, and have a horrible habit of eating cereal when I am up, but I honestly feel hungry.
        Maybe we should keep track together a bit and see if a bit of accountability helps.
        Jodi

      • Tim Lundmark says:

        Jodi,

        I am hell bent on making this life change, but I am a creature of habit and routine. This is how I stay healthy and I am having a hard time breaking my current habits. I said last week that starting Monday I was going to make some serious life changes. I did not ride the stationary bike yesterday or Monday. I ate breakfast lunch and dinner on Monday, but only dinner and Goldfish at 8pm last night. I packed a breafast this morning (2 banannas) and I packed a lunch PP&J and grapes. Now if I can just eat a healthy dinner, ride the bike and not eat past 7pm then I would have finally completed all my goals in one day!!

  4. Last night I struggled with eating cereal through the night again. I just have to think about it and then I feel hungry.
    Today I had some instant oatmeal for breakfast, a granola bar for a snack, a cheese stick, some peanuts and fruit salad for lunch. We went out for dinner and they let me have the senior’s portion with 3 butterfly shrimp, mashed potato, and tiny dishes of coleslaw and beans. I had gravy on the side, but I didn’t eat all the potatoes, so maybe that redeems me a bit.
    Did my Wii yesterday, but not today as I was heading out the door.

  5. Noel says:

    Tim, I laughed while reading this post. I too have issues with my belly. Even my kids make fun of it. I have tried to shrink it, but the homemade bread, rice, and fried chicken overtake me. I have come to accept it too. I am 5’10”, 148 lbs, so I am a relatively skinny guy, but the belly surpasses my slimness. But that is ok, I have learned to embrace it as well.

    • Noel,

      I have made some daily goals of things I try to achieve in order to solve my belly problem. Some days I only achieve one or three, other days I achieve none. I was pumped because on Monday I hit all of my daily goals. I just know this is something I need to achieve because it is causing insecurities which are trickling into my marriage

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