I left this place long ago, but felt it needed to return to the thread that weaves my stability. It’s funny how therapeutic it is to bare your soul for anyone and everyone to see, but it is also funny to witness how destructive it can be. I have been reminded of both of these dualities as of late.
When I started this blog 20 or so months ago I started it as an extension of my dream of becoming a writer. I had just recently published a poetry book, and figured having a blog would further my career by brining in new fans. As time went this blog became the glue of my sanity. Being able to say my thoughts and opinions in their truest forms helped me cope with the truth and reality of what I really am. I was warned by those around me that being so open and candid will only lead to problems, but I ignored this advice not ever imagining my thoughts and opinions would ever lead to rejection and sorrow. I should have listened to those much wiser than myself because my words, my thoughts, my feelings and my everything led to the most gut wrenching type of rejection that a human being can endure and this is the rejection by family.
Every year we have a family reunion up at my Uncle Ernie’s place and it is a grand old time. The time spent there with my family is meaningful and memorable. I hold a very thin string connection with my family and this place and this time is one of the few moments where it doesn’t feel like there is an invisible void separating us. We were unable to go last year due to finances, and we were hoping but unsure again about going this year due to the same reasons. My kids always get bummed because they enjoy going there. I found it odd how we didn’t receive an invitation last year and we didn’t receive an invitation this year. This oddity was revealed to me about a month or so ago, and this information would set off a string of events, feelings, realizations, and over all shittyness that cannot be forgotten and can never be taken back.
The reason I wasn’t receiving invitations and the reason my mom sat at my house two months ago trying to hint us away from going to the cabin was because we were not invited to this family affair. Truth be told Ernie the person who hosts the event does not want me on his property. Not only am I not wanted but I am not welcomed. I am not sure which one is worse being not welcomed or not wanted?? Not only am I not welcomed and not wanted but my wife and kids are not neither welcomed nor wanted. Needless to say this news totally fucked my emotions and fucked my mind. I am not going to go into some deep sob story of my childhood emotional trauma, but rejection by family cuts pretty fucking deep. What’s double is as a byproduct of my rejection my wife and kids were rejected.
So why may you ask were we handed down verdicts of not being wanted or welcomed or worthy of sharing in the merriment of family? Why does Ernie not want us there? The answer is my blog. Apparently my thoughts, opinions, and my struggle with mental illness were too much for Ernie to deal with. He fears that I may infect his family with my illness and beliefs. You see Ernie is a religious man a Catholic in fact and my opinions on religion deeply offended him, as well as my many other writings including my opinions on the legalization of drugs, and my struggle with MI. These things bothered him so much that he felt the need to keep over 250 of my posts and even tried to use them as proof and evidence of my blasphemy as if I was on trial. I know my thought process and my views do not fall into the social norm, but for a family member to cast me out for this and for being me is as painful now as it was when I was ten, and when I was eleven, and when I was twelve…. You get the point.
As much as I want to right now I will not spew out my feelings towards this man. The e-mail I sent to him says everything I needed to say. It was short, simple, and to the point. I should also note that when he was conversing back and forth with the family he used this e-mail as evidence and justification for his bigotry. For a man of such strong faith he completely misses the moral and ethical lessons his Holy book teaches. There is no man who can judge me. This is up to God and God alone. Judge not lest you be judged, or some shit like that. I just have one thing to say to Mr. Ernie.
You cannot produce an e-mail and some blog posts to justify you being a bigot. You are worried about me infecting your children but truth be told I am the same now as I have ever been and every time I have been up there I keep these things to myself. I have never infected them, so part of your logic is a farce. I will say this though. I would never want my children exposed to someone so close minded and judgmental. I do not want my children even exposed to the concept of bigotry let alone to be exposed to one. We may not agree on a shit load of topics, but the difference between you and me is I am not intolerant of your beliefs and ideas. I would never reject you as a person for believing differently as I do. The inquisitions died long ago… Let it go. I want you to rest comfortably knowing there is a possibility that one day I will be burning in a lake of fire and torment for eternity with lets say gay people and everyone else you are intolerant of. I would gladly suffer hanging out in hell with homosexuals and pot smokers than experiencing eternal life knowing I would have to share heaven with people like you. You are the perfect example for why people are growing away from religion. I will leave you with the same message as the e-mail I sent you…
Go fuck yourself you narrow minded judgmental prick.
Now I should state that this message may be harsh and may not be mature, but when time expires I would be sick with regret not having the opportunity to say those things. I am sure there will be disapproval and anger from those in my family, but they have become numbers with no names.
This event set off a string of domino events that led to this dayWednesday July 13, 2011. The amazing undeniable truth behind dominoes is once you knock that first one down you can’t stop it and you can’t take it back.
The thought and action to start this blog and be true and honest, led to this man rejecting me in one of the cruelest ways. These two actions led to my mother standing up and defending me tooth and nail with an action of protest that spoke louder than the million dollar march. This protest led to non-protest, which led to strained and broken relationships, which led to out of control OCD, which led to failure, which led to devastation, which led to truth, which led to denial of truth, which led to acceptance.
As I said in the beginning I started this blog because I had big dreams that with the publication of my poetry book that I would become some known poet whose words and essence were read by many. I started and paid for a website to help promote my poetry and this blog. I had to accept and come to the realization that this was a pointless and futile dream. My poetry and my words never became a reality, and I had to accept and face that they never would. I accepted this nobly and just continued to write in this blog, and everything seemed grand. The audience I was writing to would get larger and larger as time passed, and it appeared in part I was accomplishing something I had set out to achieve. I would never find riches by being a blogger, but my voice would be heard.
I made the decision awhile back that I should stop writing in this blog to pursue my dream of becoming a professional writer by focusing on my children books. I managed to lie and fool myself for sometime that this dream could somehow become a reality, but in reality this is deluded. I have done nothing with my life and I have managed to accomplish more than nothing. My loved ones have always worried about me losing touch with reality. They will do what they can to point out where I am going wrong and what have you, but they did and said nothing as I pointlessly pursued this false hope of achieving something. To honestly think that I could become published is complete insanity. Did no one step in because they think “well hey at least Tim isn’t delusional.” Or “hey at least Tim can’t hurt anyone.” These people let me stew in a false reality giving me false hope. This is a cruel fucking joke! I sat here for the last few months working my ass off and pouring my dreams and aspirations into this thing. I created struggles in my life thinking this should be a priority because this could become a tool to give my family a better life. That if I was able to achieve this then all of a sudden I would be transformed from a nothing into a somebody. You know what I have finally accepted reality and truth that in the real world there is no fucking fairy tales, there is only truth. I just wish one person in my life who ever proclaimed to give a shit about me would have been honest and said “hey Tim you know what… your not really good at writing.”
The thing I find funny is I stopped writing in this blog, and I completely stopped writing poetry. I did this because of the kids books and the fear that if an agent or publisher saw this blog it would influence their decision in a negative way. I essentially sold myself out. I tried to exchange the real Tim for a better model. I have always been labeled a runner. Someone who runs away instead of dealing with things. I think I run away from excepting who and what I truly am. I do my best to wrap myself in lies, and only rarely does someone hold up a mirror and forces me to see who I really am.
Whatever done rambling on and on in a pointless dialog. I apologize for the flow of this post. I am just free writing and not really paying attention to wording and sentence structure. It felt good to drop in and be honest to myself and anyother readers I have left. The sad but unavoidable truth in life is we can never say everything that needs to be said. We come and we go leaving holes that could have only been filled with words unsaid. The only thing a person can do is to make sure they use their voice to fill as many of these holes before the journey ends. Think for a moment on something you have always wanted to say, but never did. Find the courage to say those things today. Fill that hole inside of you and inside of them so you can achieve peace. Yesterday was my liberation from things unsaid. I experienced and felt the process of death and re-birth. I felt the cancer I have left on peoples lives fade away when everyone became just a number.