There are a few things going on with the various responses I have received from my family. I do not really know where to start or what to address. I pondered responding via a comment thread, but figured this avenue would be much better and hopefully clear up some misunderstandings and clarify things to those around me. I am in no way going to go off in an attacking rage, or really say anything inappropriate. Before I begin I want it to be noted that I am not sorry for the things I said about Ernie, and I will not apologize for what I said. I am aware that this obviously will ensure that we will never be invited to the family reunion, but really would we ever have been? I am going to be the same person I always have been so why would he change his mind? I heard somewhere that he was going to change his mind until I sent my F.U. email, but this is highly suspect since he didn’t change his mind in the midst of all the bullshit. This is an easy excuse for him and I am not sorry I sent it I am only sorry that I gave him a cop out.
As much as I would like to address each issue individually I am only going to clarify a few things. The first is the comments about “getting over it.” I agree with this that I should get over all the bullshit that happened in my past, and for the most part I have. Those who have talked to me would know this. Of course there are times or situations that will remind me of specific situations, and I have to re-live the emotions, but I work them out. In my early twenties I really didn’t want anything to do with anyone. I had never dealt with anything and only self medicated to ease that pain. Once I sobered up I was confronted with this shit all at once and it was to much. I hated everyone including myself, and I blamed everyone else for all my problems. Flash forward however many years, and these pains, memories, and hurt are in the past. When I brought up the Ernie thing it brought back those shitty feelings. I felt just like the little boy, who had x or y or z feelings. This is all, nothing more beyond that. The process of being rejected by a family member was enough to bring back all these feelings and emotions I thought I dealt with better. I in no way think anyone besides Ernie has rejected me.
Now to deal with who and who did not go to the cabin, at first this was painful, but time goes on and isn’t a big deal. I wanted a bit of space at first because my feelings were hurt and I didn’t want to get into it with anyone, or have the topic brought up and snap at that person. The point I was trying to make which no one seemed to understand was the cabin ordeal was the tipping of the first domino. There were many things and many feelings that happened after the cabin incident. The point I was trying to make is the cabin drama was not the end all be all it was the start of shitty things upon shitty things, that I don’t believe you know anything about.
I wanted to say my peace about the cabin and I wanted to do it on the same format in which Ernie found the backing to bar me from his property. The one thing I will not do is apologize for being me and I will not apologize on the platform I chose to express myself. This blog was highly therapeutic for me. When I was a constant writer I had an outlet to get shit out. The problem is this blog became first in my writing priority list and I needed to change that in order to focus on other shit. As for what my children may or may not think about my writing is a non-issue because the author name behind this is not my real name. If I chose to start writing in this again I would start a new blog with my pen name so there is absolutely nothing coming back to who I am or those in my life.
Lets look at family becoming just a number. When I hit the last straw that caused me to completely lose it I went back to not being able to handle my feelings which become so intense I experience pain. When I get like this my mind is consumed with ending it all. I sent a text to my family and friends and I said my peace. Once I said what needed to be said I completely cleaned out my phone. The concept of turning everyone into numbers was symbolic in my quest to cut any feelings behind these numbers. It was an attempt to work through the things I hold onto in this world that keeps me from letting go. I was in no way trying to disown anyone in my family I was trying to say goodbye and let you all know that I love you. The next day when this was not enough I went back to the plan of making everyone hate me. My logic is if I push everyone away and they hate me then if I ended it no one would care because I burnt my bridges. I think if you listen to “Hate Me” by Blue October they may say it better than I can. Let me repeat myself I was in no way DISOWNING anyone.
I cannot count the number of times I have gotten to the point of unbearable pain where I just can’t handle life. I am in one of those places right now. There are only two things that keep me chugging alone. The first is how my departure from pain will affect those I love. I use a utilitarian form of decision making. I weigh the prospects of if everyone would be better off without me or not. In my last analysis I figured that the short amount of pain that my death would cause is not as bad as the pain I would cause if I were gone. So I managed to handle that hurdle. I said my goodbyes deleted everyone and shut my phone off. I had been eating one of my pills for anxiety like it was candy. I am already prescribed one of the max doses of 3,600mg a day. In my attempt to ease my pain I was up into the 10,000 to 12,000mg range. I can’t say whether I was trying to end it all or if I was just trying to make myself numb and if in my attempt to make myself numb I accidentally overdosed than that would have been a plus. The other thing that keeps me from following through is my fear of the unknown. These two things should be no surprise to anyone because I have written about it many times over.
I feel bad over the response and feelings this has caused those that I love. I think many things were misconstrued and everyone took this small piece and made that the center issue. Because of my attempt to push those away who love me I am sure I will burn bridges to the point where relationships are un-repairable. This is the part of me that is self loathing and feels he is unworthy of love. I am not using this as an excuse for what I did just trying to say where all this comes from.
Now some may wonder where this whole thing will end up. I can’t answer that question, perhaps some of my family members have already made that choice and when the time comes for better or worse I will have to live with that. It is unfortunate that life is not a fairy tale. It is sad that we do not live in a “Family Ties” world. I know the things I have said, and I know the things I have heard over all this. I respect people’s feelings, but like my words may burn bridges so may others. Unfortunately there are some relationships that are un-repairable. This is a sad reality on both ends. This whole response is done under a pen name, but your comments are not. If you wish this to stay “private” then probably not a good idea to reply.
In response to an apology letter to Ernie that just is what it is and along with other stances and comments…….it just is what it is. I am positive there are many things and many life milestones that haven’t been visited on both sides. It is not as if I would ever think or expect you to show up for AJ graduation. Like I said it is what it is.
I know I have not hit on every point and someday would be happy to discuss if that is ever an option. My phone will be turned off more than it will be on. I do love all those in my family regardless if we have a relationships or not. I cannot deny that we are bonded by blood. We will always be united, but reality is relationships grow closer, and relationships drift apart. It is just a matter on both sides whether we choose to let those people into our lives.