“Death may be the greatest of all human blessings.” – Socrates

Posted: May 2, 2016 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

I seem to always be shifting from one exreme to the next, as a result there are very few constants in my life. Like my shadow my suicidal ideologies follow me everywhere. I knew my fate years ago when my Alpha event was triggered, ever since then I have had to combat my fate by creating safety nets in order to stop me from setting myself free.

Since this event it has been painfully exhausting just to get through the day. My mind has made up, I knew the time, place and how I was going to quite my mind, unfortunately I missed my train, a regret I live with everyday.

I continue to try reasons and meanings to keep me here, one day I can be strong and motivated to beat this, but without fail I am quickly shown the Harsh realities of “life” to remind me of my missed opportunity. I don’t know why but I have grown weaker and weaker. The events of today, solidifies my fate.

I have been very open about my intentions hopefully this will lesson the tears when I am gone. I have been told it will not… let me go… tell me it’s okay… tell me something besides the lies you say to keep me alive

  1. Shari Hanson says:

    Tim, it is NOT okay. Life can and will suck. I am so sorry you are hurting. I can’t imagine the unbearable pain you live with. key word, LIVE with. Ending your pain will only transfer it to people who love you. I won’t play the “don’t let your kids think you don’t love them” card, but I will say… FIGHT the demons. Fight hard. each and every day is only temporary, not permanent. I can’t sit back and let our family lose a precious member. a piece that is a part of this puzzle, not complete without it.

    • Traci says:

      I was trying to choose my words to reply to this Tim and saw Shari’s comment and she spoke such truth in it that I will just say I agree with Shari 100%. We do not need another family member taken by suicide, it is one of the hardest things to get through… I still think about Brian every day and what happened and you are my Brother and I can’t imagine going through that if you took your own life….does not solve anything in the long run, its just a selfish way out.

  2. I also missed my train (Or the bus, as they as in alt.suicide.holiday). Thankfully I got another and better ticket. I now have a better method of suicide.

    Life shouldn’t be this way. You don’t have to be in such an unbearable position with no reason to live. if life doesn’t work, there’s no shame in quitting. People exit theaters, break up relationships and quit jobs all the time. Why is our suicide any different?

    • Traci says:

      I will tell you why suicide is so different than quitting theater or a job….it has an everlasting effect on the family and loved ones left behind by this action. Life isn’t easy but “quitting” it does not solve anything.

      • Quitting solves everything. I will not experience my problems.

        Being rejected gave me an everlasting effect and lead to my suicide. Yet I won’t argue that these women didn’t have the right to reject me. We each made our choices.

      • Traci says:

        Well then I feel sorry for you “The brain in the jar”. You just said the women that rejected you had the right to do so yet you feel that ending your life because of this is the only answer. Rejection happens to everyone… You obviously have not experienced someone you love dearly commit suicide; I have and live with the pain every day. So go ahead…be selfish and end your life then see what happens. I don’t mean to sound callous either however I have strong feeling about this because of my past and I have no patience for people that talk about killing themselves all the time. Either do it or do something to make your life better…its your choice.

      • I agree. Expressing my suicidal ideologies can be annoying and upsetting. I think I have worked hard to make my life better, and I have come up short. I don’t know what to say to that except I agree do something or shut the fuck up

      • Traci says:

        Tim, You know I am here for you and will help with whatever you need…and again I don’t mean to sound cold but literally every time I hear the word “suicide” makes me think of Brian and I don’t know about you but seeing Grandma walk into the chapel and needing to be held up because she literally collapsed when she saw Brian laying there is forever imbedded in my brain. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy let alone our Mother. Life is hard, I have failed more times than I can count and am no where near I would have thought I would be at my age but again killing yourself is not the answer….pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move forward…know that struggles happen to everyone and its how you deal with them and how you let if affect you that will make you be a better person in the end.

      • How is rejecting someone any less selfish than dying?

      • Traci says:

        Rejection is just perception… death is ….well death. I don’t know you and don’t know what you have been through but how am I to know if the rejection that you are feeling is the other persons need to make a change in his or her life for their own personal reasons?? I can say I was rejected from the basketball team and dwell on that forever yet in actuality I am just too damn short and it was for my own good that I did not make the team… Rejection has many variables, death does not…

  3. Shari Hanson says:

    Thank you Traci. Quitting a movie, relationship or job; you can start a new movie, relationship, job. you CAN NOT get a new life. Life is a once in a lifetime chance. Once simply can not compare quitting life to ANYTHING. I know it isn’t easy sticking around… but ‘quitting life’ is not the answer.

  4. I think you should read the post from yesterday and talk about that

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