Archive for the ‘Addiction’ Category

I was advised to stay quite while as a family we went through hell and back thanks to this piece of shit my daughters life has been changed and damaged by him, and not writing about this has been very difficult. Over time I plan on telling this story although for the sake of my readers I will reframe from posting one long drawn out post. 

If you want to see the predator who took my daughter and I in to his home during a very fucked up time. Mentally I was fucked, all the while this man who was supposed to be my friend and as he called it we are a family like “My two dads.” One of the things that eats at me is he systematically kept me sick and fucked up on purpose to groom my daughter. 

I want it to be noted I am an overly honest person when it comes to writing and the posts to come will be from eyes and I will be painfully open, but out of respect to my daughter any details regarding my her and this douche fuck will be limited to “grooming.” 

I will attempt to unravel this cluster fuck in future posts. 

There is a place we go

Where we cannot find light

Our eyes adjusted

To our own twisted Plight

We hide in places

Live with fright

Within this never-ending night

We roam

We seek

In search of light

Mind to fucked to speak

Within his never-ending night

We reach our hands up high

Seeking comfort from imaginary hands

We find nothing

Only the pain

Which never went away

No end in sight

Within this never-ending night

Scream all you want

No one will hear

Reality is no one is there

I seek

Until my knees are weak

Reality setting in

I have traveled nowhere

Trapped within

My suffocating box

I am in this never-ending night

A feeble prayer

To a God who was never there

The time has come

Within this box

My mind rots

No air

No light

No hope

Only madness

Brought on from my never-ending night

My cold dark stare

nothing is something


Than living in my never-ending night

In my hands

I hold the key

My only freedom

Only escape

From my never-ending night

One blissful pull

I enter into the light

It amazes me how quickly I can be beaten down. How easily I can fall apart. How little I can handle. How easily I can lie to myself. Its borderline delusional laced with denial. Happiness and hope are things I cannot know, let alone ever have. I want the acceptance, of knowing things will never be alright. I want the comfort that comes from embracing this reality. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to think. Life was better when I was dead inside. It is so much better than to continue living a lie.

“Hi my name is Tim and I am an addict.”

I am happy to say it has been around ten years since I have uttered those words in an NA meeting. This does not mean I have been totally sober the entire ten years, it just means I haven’t been co-dependent on meetings to stay sober. I have discovered a much more successful approach at staying sober, and that is controlling the addiction instead of the addiction controlling me. Learning this key lesson is in my opinion the most efficient way to maintain sobriety. As addicts if we are talked into, forced or just decide enough is enough our options to beat this thing is through treatment and NA/AA. Unfortunately this system does not work for everyone and those who it does not work for are in danger of allowing the drugs to continue to control them. I am sure there are programs out there that do not follow the traditional NA/AA model; I have just never heard of any before. I have often times thought about sharing my experiences to others in hopes my approach and philosophy may help them beat their addictions.

In my life I have had my fair share of issues with addiction. I started using at the age of thirteen and from that very moment I was in love with getting high. I would spend the next ten plus years getting high everyday all day. I have almost thrown my life away several times in the name of getting my next high, and in the midst of it all I really didn’t care. My life had zero value to me, and I felt it had zero value to anyone close to me. Since my life had zero value and nothing really mattered I might as well enjoy life and party. Because of my chronic using I have been through treatment several times. Except for the last time I was in treatment I always used while I was going through treatment. For some reason I was never able to buy into the NA/AA model, and because of this I took very little lessons away from my time in the program. The last time I was in treatment I was there for a week and I had to go AMA (against medical advice.) I didn’t want to leave to get high, I just hated being locked up. There was no way I would survive getting clean in this place, so I checked out and went to wage battle against my addiction.

I am not saying the NA/AA model is completely useless because it does help many people get clean, it just didn’t do it for me. The sad part is I do not believe I am alone in this thinking, and to my knowledge there are not many treatment centers out there that take a different approach on getting people clean. I think NA/AA takes vulnerable individuals and creates co-dependency upon the meeting and the collective in order to stay sober.  I was never able to get past the concept of handing my life over to a higher power. For those of you who read this blog a lot you know I am stubborn and have strong feelings and opinions on religion. It was this step that almost always caused me to shun this organization. The only higher power I recognized was myself, and I was broken so this is scenario simply wouldn’t work. Little did I know at the time that this concept would become a huge component of my personal plan to beat addiction.

In my journey from being a drug addict to a non-addict was a long and hard road. I had many relapses some worse than the others. I do not look at a relapse of using just once. I look at a relapse as thrusting yourself back into the using and abusing routine. My last relapse was probably my worst ever. I am not going to get into great depth of what I was using or how it was systematically destroying my life. I will just tell you that by the time I hit the absolute bottom I spent two weeks curled up in my bed detoxing, insanely sick from withdrawals. My doctor recommended I go to a detox center to be monitored because the drugs I was using were dangerous to come off of. I being the stubborn man I am wanted to do this without the aide of professional assistance. I wanted to prove to myself that I had the strength to beat this thing. It was an extremely rough road, and I can tell you with certainty this last binge/detox episode changed my life. I have not nor do I ever plan to relapse again. I can say this with complete certainty because of the personal program I built myself.

Among many other things I realized this lifestyle I had been living my entire life has been nothing but destructive, and has hurt those I loved. There is no high worth fucking up the lives of those who care about you. There is no high worth my kids seeing me as a junkie. This last situation will be my last. Since this last episode I have had many chances to take my drugs of choice and every time I have turned it down. I realized that if I put myself in safe situations then I am limiting the possibility of being confronted with the option to use. The times where the drugs were still able to find me I said no every time. I may have wanted to say yes so I could experience the sweet embrace of my drug of choice, but I realize that these particular narcotics had a profound control over me, and if I gave in even one time it could be my last. Unlike the AA/NA model I do not believe that once an addict always an addict, and to stay sober you can never touch another chemical of any kind. I think this concept is the downfall of many people who follow this model. It is possible to enjoy chemicals without completely throwing your life away. Personally I just needed to know which chemicals I had control over like drinking for example and which ones had control over me. With these things along with the other lessons and practices I put together I went from my addiction controlling me to me controlling my addiction. This my friends is part of the magic key to finally beating addiction.

I do not recognize addiction as an illness. I view it as a self-induced affliction. We all had the choice to say no at one point in our lives, and many more after we said yes for the first time. We all had the choice to make better decisions but we did not. These choices in the beginning were not made because we had an illness it happened because we made poor choices, because of this we were lead down the path of addiction. I believe the withdrawals and suffering which comes from getting clean is tough, but far from an illness. We did this to ourselves and taking ownership is a huge step in looking at your life of using, and as a result beating it. I believe many people use the cop out of addiction as an illness to justify their behaviors while they were using. I know when it came down to making amends I whole heartily blamed my horrendous actions on my using, as if I had no control over my decisions. These types of justifications keep us from seeing who we really are, and what we are capable of becoming because of our using. Saying “the illness made me do it” almost makes you blind to the person you have become.

I recognize when the drugs control you the addiction seems like an illness. But more so I consider addiction as a choice. I understand this to be true because in looking back at my using days my drug binges always started with a choice to relapse and use again. Even in the beginning I made the initial choice to use drugs I knew were highly addictive and destructive. I knew this yet I still made the choice to try them, even after trying them the first time I had to make the choice to try them again and again. At any point I had the choice to make a better decision. Relapsing was my choice which threw me back into a self-induced affliction. We addicts are very much in control of this decision; we just need to possess the strength and common sense to make good choices. We may sit back and blame it on our “illness,” but in reality it is our choice to use once again which is the issue. Finding the “why” in this scenario and facing it will assist in solving the problem. This along with learning to control the addiction instead of the addiction controlling you is a good start in getting sober.

Last week I wrote a post about Robert Nozick book “Anarchy, State and Utopia.” I used the game “War of Warcraft” to illustrate how people contrary to Nozick’s theory would jump at the chance to enter this machine. This got me thinking about the un-bachelor party I went to a few weeks ago. We all ended up getting into a debate about this game. The conversation started when one of the more socially awkward guys brought up the game. He started explaining his character and how he is part of something called a guild. If there is one thing that will clear the room quickly it is talking about your fantasy football team, or anything regarding “World of WarCraft.” The other guys at the party were ripping on him for playing this game, but they were doing it in a sly way.

This guy is the brother in-law of the person who throws this yearly party. I always feel responsible for taking care of him because I know what it is like to be socially awkward. I quickly changed the subject a bit and instead of discussing his guild I went into how addictive this game and others can be. This has become such a problem they have built treatment centers to help people quit playing MMORPG’s, on-line shooters, and Madden. The topic changed a bit when someone brought up how a guy is suing the makers of “World of WarCraft” because he became addicted to it. He was unable to stop and was so pulled into the game he lost his job, house, and family His case is; there should have been sign on the package warning people of how addictive this game can be. I believe he will win this case and win big; others disagreed with me.

I have felt, and seen the withdrawal symptoms from not being able to play video games. I have also seen how they can stunt your progress in life. My video game addiction is Madden. I get so into the franchise mode I end up feeling like I really own this football team (or that could be a psychosis symptom.) Madden will call to me every second of the day. My mind becomes consumed with my next game, or what kind of off season moves will I make. I will get irritable if I am unable to get lost into this fantasy world. I did buy the newest installment, but I do not play very much. The games I do play are just as intense as getting high. I will only play once or twice in a two-week period. I am immediately consumed with wanting to play another game. It is really hard for me to walk away. This compulsion to consistently play almost destroyed my relationship.

My son is a huge Call of Duty gamer, and plays online with his friends all the time. He chooses to do this any chance he gets. Last year his grades slipped and he was grounded from video games until his grades improved. This entire time he was crabby, irritable, and restless. He seemed to slip into a minor depression and the first week without them seemed to be the worst. He would spend his free time watching other people play this game on YouTube. I could not believe the effects this was having on him. His withdrawals seemed almost as worse than anything I had experienced. I think it is the on-line factor which seems to cause a greater feeling of longing. Playing on-line seems to create a realism factor you cannot find by playing against the computer.

My younger brother is a huge World of WarCraft player. He is twenty years old and does nothing but play this game morning noon and night. He started playing this game when it first came out and has accomplished nothing since. He is an intelligent person, but chose not to go to college. The thing that blows me away more than anything else is he has never had a job. He still lives with his mom and shows no signs of ever doing anything with his life besides playing this game. I have heard of people spending tens of thousands of dollars to purchase characters from other people. This concept just blows my mind, and is a perfect example of addictive behavior.

It will not be long before Nozick’s concept of the experience machine becomes a reality. My entire life has been spent playing video games. I have seen how they have evolved over the years. It is getting to the point where they have done all they can do with these systems. The only logical step up is virtual reality. Once this concept becomes a reality you will find many more people losing their house, job, and families. I think this guy will win and win big. I am guessing the settlement will be in the multi-million dollar range. The stupid thing is everyone knows this game is addictive, and he should have recognized his addiction prior to losing everything. This settlement will open up the doors to multiple lawsuits with every Tom Dick and Harry trying to cash in.