Archive for the ‘Charity’ Category

It’s been awhile since I wrote Graceful Dancing, ideally I would like to say my life has improved, unfortunately logic proves in an ideal reality the word or concept of ideal wouldn’t exist. Therefore ideally is linguistically a lie wrapped in other linguistic lies such as hope or faith. We need to find some comfort no matter how delusional in order to cope with the reality in which we live.

Reality is a ruthless bitch who shows no mercy to the inhabitants of our vast universe. For the millions of people who are swollowed by reality there are millions who overcome and thrive. I have attempted to thrive in the reality I exist, but have been fractured within her madness. The most recent is being evicted, I am unsure how to make it through this one.

Those of you who have been reading my words know the various dreams and aspirations I have had, unfortunately you know I failed. Ever since chaos invaded my only safe place my life has unraveled and shattered into a million pieces. I still hold onto delusional dreams of being more than I am. It’s the only beacon of light in a world of darkness. Throughout the nightmares, within fractured chaos something has slowly emerged into my dream becoming true.

I have become codependent on this dream. The website is almost up. I will be starting a new blog on WordPress and another on YouTube. Once the website is up the printing options available will increase ten fold. But it still needs to go live which who knows if that will happen. My urgency to obtain curency is my top priority. I have turned to Facebook and offering coupon codes for those who like my page to get coupons for 50% to 75% off the entire store. Desperate times my friends.. for those of you who suffer subscribe to this blog I will cross post for awhile until everyone has subscribed to the new blog.

I have to try to keep out of the darkness. I have been to the hospital far to many times this year.

Graceful Dancing

Posted: May 16, 2015 in Absolute Truth, Abuse, Aging, America, Anxiety, Arguments, Atheism, Atheist, Bi-Polar, Bible, Blog, Blogging, Books, Brainwashed, Change, Charity, Charity Foundations, Christianity, Church, Community, Confessions, Coping, Corporate Culture, Crisis, Crooked Politicians, Culture, Death, Debates, Depression, Diary, Dilemma, Dreams, Duty of Care, Dying, Elderly, Emotional Abuse, Epic Battle, Ethics, Evil, Faith, Family, Fear, Forgiveness, God, Good, Good-byes, Greed, Grief, Haile Selassie, Insanity, Inside My Mind, Jesus, Journal, Lies and broken promises, Life, Lists, Living in fear, Logic, Love, Mania, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Minnesota, Misc, miscellaneous, Moral Theories, Morals, Motivation, Mourning, Nursing Homes, Opinion, Pain, Personal, Philosophy, Politics, Prayers, Progress, Psychosis, Quotes, Random, Random Thoughts, Rants, Reform, Rejection, Rights, Sadness, Self-esteem, Self-Help, Self-image, Social Debates, Social Injustices, Society, Sorrow, Spirituality, Stress, Suffering, Suicide, Suicide Note, The Bible, The Bucket List Foundation, The Philosophy of Quotes, Theology, TheRandomArtist, Thoughts, Treatment, Uncategorized, Unity, Verbal Abuse, Work, Work Environment, Writing
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The choice of letting go and saying goodbye is never easy, yet the decision to hold on is even harder. I have let go of hopes, dreams, relationships, redemption and written my goodbyes many times in the past, but every morning I regret my choices and my decisions to hold on… This was the beginning of the post I was working on last Saturday, what was to follow was going to be my final words then swallow every bit of medication I had and finally be at peace. Instead I ended up in the psych ward at Abbot where I stayed until yesterday against my doctors and others advice. I didn’t see the point in staying, all they did was drug me to the point where all I could do was sleep. I was at a crossroads where I knew whether I chose to stay or go I was leaving in worse shape when wen I went in. When I walked out of the hospital and reality came crashing down on me I knew right then and there that I fucked up choosing to go to begin with, yet again regretting my decision to hold on. So I am back where I started but with a bit more inner strength then I had before because I received a mental vacation, but seriously how long will that last? The answer will come in the next week or so as I sit back and see how everything plays out between my job, dream, finances, and relationships. I feel I am at the point where depending on how these things play out will determine my future.

My life is riddled with mistakes, and regrets each one adding to the greater mound of shit called life. At this moment three key things come to mind, keep in mind this is not in chronological order of importance.

  1. Failing at fixing all the problems at the nursing home I work at to improve the quality of life of the residents I have grown to care for so deeply.
  2. Giving up on my dreams of becoming a writer or an artist.
  3. Not finding redemption for the countless number of lives I have destroyed in my 35 years on this earth.
  4. Not following through with shit on November 26th.

I think what it comes down to is acceptance. I need to accept that I won’t ever be more than I am right now. I have to finally accept I won’t ever be able to help the residents where I work. I don’t know what’s worse giving up on my dreams or trying to redeem myself by helping people just like me who can’t help themselves. I have done shitty things; I have poisoned and hurt everyone and everything I have ever touched. Many of my poems touch on this concept of being a “virus.”

For over six years I have worked so hard to make up for all the pain and suffering I have caused by reducing the pain and suffering the residents at the nursing home I work for by the hands and decisions of the very same people who are supposed to care for and safe guard these residents. There are many good hearted people whom I work with who carry this burden of failure, if any of them are reading this they know the deep sorrow and feeling of helplessness of not being able to give these guys the proper quality of life they deserve.

I have been in business with and covered up things for “business associates” who wouldn’t hesitate putting a bullet in your head, but being involved with and covering up for an employer who is a non-profit and allows vulnerable adults and employees to be harassed mistreated and discriminated against is far worse in my eyes. There are many people at the nursing home I work at who see the same things I see but do not act; as Haile Selassie so eloquently put it

Throughout history, it has been the inaction of those who could have acted; the indifference of those who should have known better; the silence of the voice of justice when it mattered most; that has made it possible for evil to triumph.”

All of the people involved in my past life and unfortunately as of late too much of my current life chose “the life” and in the end we all end up in one of two places, we deserve whatever end to our means no matter how horrific or painful. Our residents on the other hand do not deserve the means that transpire until their end comes.

This is my apology to the residents that have come and gone who failed to receive the proper quality of life they deserved. I am sorry that I can no longer continue to fight for the change needed, it is destroying me. My old associates showed more mercy delivering people to their end, than the people I work for now. The people employed by this company who care are used and pushed until they break while the predators are allowed to continue to prey.

Non-profits are not supposed to be run like a criminal organization where fear and intimidation rule. Non-profits are supposed to be built upon something called “Duty of care.” If any one of the “criminals” who work at this nursing home is reading this let me define what duty of care means.

“Duty of care is the moral and legal obligation to attend to the safety and wellbeing of those they serve, those who work for them and others who come into contact with their operations.”

Now to wrap things up there may be some people who do not understand what the title of this entry has to do with the content. Below is a Youtube link of Justin Furstenfeld performing the song “Graceful Dancing.” After hearing his introduction to this powerful song, and seeing the familiar emotions during his performance I decided to check myself into the hospital which drastically changed the content of this post. For that I thank the artist and the person who posted this video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCFpgfvPGZo&list=PLIWCEQoVmfdHIakN42xTrXYjPnE6I3EHB&index=55

 

“Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.”
Scott Adams 

This makes me think of the movies “Pay it Forward,” and “Evan Almighty,” which happens to be two of my top 200 movies of all time. I know you may be thinking 200 is an odd number to have, but it is what makes the most logical sense. “Pay it Forward” is great, because it shows the ripple effect over this one boys acts of kindness. It amazed me how many lives were changed over those three little actions. “Evan Almighty’s” primary message, is how we can all change the world with one act of random kindness at a time.  These movies made me think of what role I play in acts of kindness; besides “The Bucket List Foundation” I do very little to better my fellow man. I write about how greed keeps us from thinking about the needs of others in our society. I do not consider myself a greedy man, but I wonder why I do not practice what I preach.

I think one of the reasons for this, is I have not been in a position to really execute these acts of kindness. I am aware, that what I am in a position to do is acts of kindness towards my family, but I even find myself having trouble with this. My doctor says this can be attributed to my Anti-Social Personality Disorder. I actually had an opportunity to display an act of kindness, but I passed on the situation.

I went to get our morning coffee, and there was this younger gentleman with a makeshift duffle bag made from a bed sheet tied on all four sides. He said he needed a ride to Mystic Lake Casino, so he could catch a bus into downtown Minneapolis. He said he only had ten dollars on him, which wasn’t enough for the cab fare. He went on to say he had a pretty bad fight with his girlfriend, and he had to quickly get out of the house before there was a domestic violence issue. I honestly told him I just didn’t feel comfortable giving a ride to someone I didn’t know.

As I was preparing my coffee I kept thinking to myself that I should give him a ride to help him out, but then my other side was telling me this was a bad idea, because he could take my car and rob me, or possibly worse. I think this is a key reason why people hesitate to help out those in need. It saddens me to say but the society we live in today is violent, and void of morals. You really cannot tell who you can trust and who you can’t. I think because of this people are hesitant to do the right thing. It would have been so easy for me to do this guy a solid, but this voice in my head was telling me he can’t be trusted.

What interests me the most is the ripple effect random acts of kindness can have. It is amazing to me how the smallest things have such dramatic effects way beyond what we even realize. This makes me think of the butterfly effect, and how the most minor trivial changes can drastically change the future as we know it. It would be amazing to do a social study on what would happen if every citizen made it a priority to do one act of random kindness a day. Would this mass ripple effect alter the outcome of the human race? How much would our society be altered if we all made this a priority?

I want to do my part and better society and my fellow man, but I am at a loss for how to do it. I suppose this can be done through my foundation, or I can start looking for the smaller things. I believe the message in “Evan Almighty” was focused on how the main characters acts altered his family. Evan was so focused on his work that he neglected his family. In the end his journey was one of creating a stronger family unit. I stated earlier, how I am in a position to give these acts of kindness to my family. I think this is a great start, and in reality should be my top priority over anything else. I would imagine these acts towards my family would have a massive ripple effect, even more so than giving that guy a ride.

Now that I think about it, I do perform random acts of kindness, anytime I am on the floor in the nursing home. I go out of my way to interact with the residents here, and I always leave them with a smile on their face. I know I leave them with a feeling that they are valued. You would be amazed at how this vital human need is lacking in our nursing homes. I can do my part everyday I come to work, and in all my interactions throughout the day. I can do my part by strengthening my family unit, and by nurturing an environment built on unconditional love. Maybe this is the simplest way to change our world.    

God asks Evan “How do we change the world.” Evan answers “one single act of random kindness at a time.”

 Evan Almighty

“Each new generation is a fresh invasion of savages.”
Hervey Allen

What do you think when you hear the word savages? Do you think about the small tribes in the rainforest worshiping the Sun God, and practicing black magic? Do you think of ancient times through the early stages of our evolution where man was primitive in their knowledge and behavior? This is a pretty broad word which may mean different things to different people. When I was studying theological anthropology the word “savages” was primarily used to describe primitive people, who still lived in small villages or tribes and believed in so called “primitive” religions. This sentiment is well known in the Christian missionary objectives. If this is indeed the case should we still be considered savages, or have we evolved into sophisticated beings?

I look at this world and I do not see sophisticated beings, I see nations of evolved savages. When I think of the word “savages” I think of beings that live by their primal urges, and are concerned with only their own personal survival. I think of men and woman driven by greed, and the rat race to accumulate more wealth and possessions. I think of people who preach hate and intolerance. I think of perverted minds consumed with insatiable desires for power. I think of these leaders who choose themselves over those they are charged to rule. To me this is what a savage is, and in my opinion we are infested with them. We may have evolved technologically wise, but we are far away from being sophisticated. We may be able to log onto our Facebooks from our iPads, but we still can’t think of others before ourselves.

If we look at our society we will find plenty of examples of people living for their own self-interests as opposed to living for the self-interests of the collective. This is why there will never be peace on earth, or a society which resembles a utopia. Peace and serenity can never be achieved if we are driven by self-interests. I already know one of my occasional readers Tony will chime in on how self-interest is what fuels progress, and without it we would not have evolved technologically and we would not have the amenities we do today. I have heard the argument from one of my co-workers that if we had universal healthcare than our quality of care would go down because no one would be motivated to become a doctor, and therefore your continuity of care would decrease. I think this statement only further shows our savagery. If this is the case than our society is breeding men and woman who get into this profession  not to actually help people, but to garnish a higher paycheck?

I would happily trade our technological advancements in exchange for a society which has advanced on an enlightened path. I would happily walk to work, live without my blog, watch non HD television, and give up my dream of becoming a writer to know my children were living in a world where the well being of your fellow man came before the well being of yourself. To live in a world were innocent men, women, and children did not need to die in the name of war, or suffer from hunger and pestilence in the name of greed. A world where are elected officials are humanitarians as opposed to crooks. A world where nations stand hand in hand in peace and unity, where differences are met by listening and understanding instead words of threats and aggression. A utopia where hate is replaced with love and love is known by all.

I would like to say a world like this is possible, but like the quote says each generation is a fresh invasion of savages who are raised on morals learned from television and video games. New generations raised on greed and self-preservation. Generations who will spit on a dying man just trying to get healthcare so he can live. A society where war is so common it seems like second nature, and is replaced on the news by movie stars babies. A world so dummied down by the media we are easy to control like herded sheep. A world where the good are hidden by the evil and the evil are in charge. A world run by savages.  

Why do we toss aside our elderly? Have we forgotten they have sacrificed their lives for our wellbeing? It seems once they stop paying taxes and start collecting Social Security and using Medicaid the government turns their backs on them. The government does this by budget cuts which heavily impact the nursing homes our loved ones are in. We as sons and daughters turn our backs on the very people who sacrificed their lives to raise us by sending them to said facilities suffering from these same budget cuts. Is this a product of a lapse in our ethics, or a product of the society we have created? Why do we value our elderly the least of all demographics? I think the answer is a bit of both.

In our society the value we place on money rules supreme, once you can no longer contribute to the machine you are forgotten. Fewer and fewer companies offer pensions, which most of our elderly counted on along with social security to survive. We have shifted to retirement funds to provide this cushion, but not everyone is able to maintain such a retirement fund. The money involved in caring for an elderly parent is crippling to a son or daughter. Their only financial option is sending them to a nursing home.

The other thing we place a high value on is time; because we work more than we relax our time is like gold. To care for a parent who can no longer care for themselves is not only expensive, but it is also time consuming. For many people to properly care for them it would require them to make a choice between their career and their responsibility to their parents. Many people cannot sacrifice their career, so the best option is to throw them into a nursing home. This time commitment begins to reflect in the number of visits residents receive. I would imagine at first the visits would be aplenty, but as time passes the visits become less and less. There are residents here who never receive visits from their loved ones.

My out look and concern over this problem has changed, since I started to work here. What I see here is heartbreaking, and I fear my parents may be sent to such a place. Prior to being employed here I gave very little thought into what kind of quality of life our elderly have. I was unaware of the promised money to facilities by our government only to be the first victim of budget cuts. I had very little concept of the level of care they were receiving. I gave very little thought into how our culture views our elderly, or what happened when they could no longer care for themselves. I never thought what my decision would be if my wife or parents could no longer care for themselves. I do know that the option to send them to a nursing home would be the last one explored.

This is why “The Bucket List Foundation” is so important. We are able to provide residents with the necessary level of human interaction by providing volunteers who are willing to visit at least once a week to truly give them basic human needs. We also would be able to provide the means for them to make a life long wish come true. In fulfilling their “bucket lists” they may be able to pass on with less regrets. Finally we will ensure no one dies alone. I would imagine the dying process is a trying time in our lives, sometimes the hardest thing we can endure. Nobody no matter how many bridges they have burned deserves to go through this process lying in an empty room. Perhaps if there was an elderly daycare center perhaps this would allow us to still work and care for our loved ones. There may already be such a program; if not perhaps the foundation will look into such an option.

I am not saying this issue is as cut and dry. I am sure there are facilities that provide the best care they can within their means. I am sure there are people out there who choose their parents over their own personal wants and needs. I imagine these examples are not the norm.

I do know this is a passion of mine. I think people need to take the time to contemplate the various things in our society. If this was done with this and many other issues perhaps these social maladies could be cured. We are often to busy and to self-absorbed to look at the issues perpetrated on our fellow man. I hope in my lifetime I am able to see a shift in this mode of thinking.

Many of us walk through our daily lives; accepting things as they are. We shuffle out of our beds, our jobs, the store, to our homes, watch television, and then back to bed. We wake up and relive the same thing the next day. We accept and become complacent with our lives, our government, and the world around us. We accept things the way they are; even if we do not agree with it. Living by motto’s such as “what can I do,” “its not my problem,” “I just don’t want to get involved.” It is this burnt out acceptance our country thrives off of. The powers that be; do not want us to look at our lives under a microscope, or have the energy to fight for change.

There are people in this country who are unemployed and cannot support their families. There are those individuals who are losing their homes. Many of our major metropolitan areas and suburbs are swarming with the hungry and homelessness. We accept our schools turning to shit especially in low economic communities, , we accept our government selling the people out to big business, we accept no true universal healthcare, we accept getting screwed by insurance companies, we accept war, we accept the deterioration of morals and ethics within our country, we accept these things and so much more.

We feel these things are so large and daunting they will never change. It is this acceptance and compliancy which keeps us from truly changing the world and bettering the lives of ourselves, as well as those in our country that need it. How can we expect these things to improve if we do nothing? It is possible to change our society if people actually acted when they notice social evils and misfortune. If everyone stood up to the things which hold us down it will gradually change until the problem is solved

There numerous levels of human suffering we can never truly know, nor do we take the time to recognize or acknowledge them. It is a form of societal denial or sweeping things under the proverbial rug. There are worlds within worlds where violence and suffering are the norm. Hunger and homelessness, we wish it was not there, and we may feel bad about it, yet we turn our back on those who are suffering and experiencing hardships. We think of ourselves first, and our neighbors last. We live by the motto’s “it is not my problem,” “what can I do about it?” “I just don’t want to get involved.”

It’s sad; we accept we are where we are and choose to do nothing about it. This thinking only contributes to destruction of our society, as well as keeps our political process from offering any real change to the people.

The facts are we can do something about it. We can if we make ourselves aware of the human suffering going on in our country, and the social and economical shackles we as a people are in and all we need to do is open our eyes and try. If you started today the pay it forward concept, and those who you helped paid it forward our country would change. If the Tea Baggers can unit together for the greater evil, then why can’t we band together for the greater good?

What do you think?

Check out my website to read more on what you can do. www.thephilosophyofme.com under the “American Republic Movement” tab

Last week I saw a picture of Dale and I, at our company barbeque. I was filled with such loss and sorrow. I quickly looked away, and had to compose myself. I did not want to tear up around my co-workers. I saw a huge smile on his face, and remembered how happy our short time together was.

There was not a day that went by he was not coming in and out of my office. He had a routine where he would go to specific places throughout the nursing home. He would stop and visit many of the staff, and everyone who was touched by this great man, were filled with such joy when he was around. He had the most wonderful  laugh and smile, which always brightened my day. I can truly say he was the brightest point in my day. Even after five and a half months later, I still wish he would come to my office to sit and listen to music with me.

Dale was the most enlightened man I have ever met. He achieved what many Taoist strive for, living and thinking like a child. It is children who are so peaceful and simple in their outlook on life. They have not yet been filled with the propaganda of the American Dream, and corporate brainwashing. They hold no judgment, and find joy in the simple things. Dale had reached these achievements. He lived for the simple joys in life, like his 10:30 soda, and 1:30 commissary trip. These things along with his simple routines made him happy.

When he came into my office he would sit down and listen to music. He was amused with my computer and often asked me to show him pictures of various things like cars he used to own. He was funny to talk to, because he was so random in his thought process. He had a mental illness which caused him to be so random, and OCD about his daily activities. I miss our conversations.

Like all my sad emotions I choose to not deal with them. This was particularly hard because I just thought he would be around forever. His death was so quick, he was diagnosed with cancer and it spread so fast. He just kept on deteriorating. When he could no longer walk on his own he spent much of his time in bed. I can’t even imagine how hard that was for him.

He had one wish; to not die alone. I would bet he was afraid of the unknown, and wanted someone to be by his side. I feel guilty and wish I was here to fulfil his wish. His passing is my reason for starting The Bucket List Foundation. The foundation will do many good things for our elderly, but one of our main goals is to ensure no one dies alone. Perhaps I feel if I can provide others with this important human needs, I can shed this intense guilt I feel over letting my best friend down. I call him my best friend because I have never met a friend which cared for me so unconditionally.

I think another reason I do not deal with my sad feelings over this is because I want the wonderful memory of knowing him to never leave my mind. I am not only afraid of having to deal with the sadness over his death, but I am also afraid to have his memory fade.

In five days from now the four founding members of “The Bucket List Foundation” will be holding our inaugural meeting. I am very excited about this for many reasons, but today I would like to focus on one aspect of my excitement. Those of you who either know me personally, or have become regular readers, are aware what my poetry book is all about, and how I suffer from a mental illness. I am battling this illness with the healing power of doing for others. I have found when I am able to live by the motto “how may I serve” I feel much better inside. This is not an easy motto to follow especially considering the “me first” society we have been raised in. The days I can follow this are the days where I have the least amount of stress; which in turn keeps my MI in check. 

I am basking in the idea of getting this thing going, and just thinking about how many lives will be improved if we were able to get this foundation off the ground. The thought of doing for others, assists in elevating my moods. I would imagine if the concept of doing the idea is uplifting; logic would conclude if it came to fruition then my moods should consistently level out.

I look at this foundation, as not only the ability to enrich people’s lives, but also to put past demons to rest. I have made more mistakes in my life than I care to count, perhaps dedicating my life to serving others I can begin to forgive myself. The major fuel for my depression is self loathing; perhaps this can mend the emptiness inside of me. I am naturally a selfish person. It is difficult to concisely put others first. Like I stated above I think I am a product of the “me first” society. I have such entitlement issues it is simply unbelievable.

The Tao teaches us first you need to learn it, then you need to think it, then you will live it. I hope this concept is true in my case. I have learned it, I have thought about it, yet I am unable to live it 100% of the time. I have more difficulty thinking of others when I am depressed because all I want to do is seclude myself and sleep.   

I am fully aware the odds are stacked against us. There may be a real possibility that time and effort is put into this project only to result in failure. Where will my mind wonder if this happens? I have the utmost faith in our cause. I have confidence in the people around me. In my mind failure is not an option; a possibility maybe, but not an option. Only time will tell if this dream will become a reality, until then I am going to trust the Tao that everything will fall in its divine order. Today I choose to embrace healing by helping.