Archive for the ‘Depression’ Category

Although completely useless majoring in Philosophy was one of my better decisions. On one side I have tens of thousands of dollars in student loan debt pursuing a degree which is useless in the working world… on the other it opened my mind up to critical thinking, logic, and the common sense to question everything. This is a blessing and a curse. The curse is getting trapped inside my own mind and becoming lost within the bright lights of neuron blasts. 

Thought bondage I think of my reality, my existence… trapped. I cry when I realize this will be the perpetual cycle… never-ending. For as long as I am alive I will forever be tormented by my own mind, so easily broken around ever corner.

I used to fear deaths embrace, but being scared and beat down by life will turn fears into wishing.

I don’t belong in civilized society less my madness be spread to the masses. Over the last few years the madness has become impossible to hide let alone deny. If my madness is factual and cannot be denied than what Kierkegaard is saying is the acknowledgment of my madness will inevitable perpetuate the insanity. 

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the positive self talk advice which is usually followed by the statement “fake it until you make it.” This statement encourages denial and self deception. 

Prior to my complete mental breakdown I lived in a reality of self denial and false realities. 

Day after day I wore the mask of the masses, until I no longer had the strength to put one on. As I have stated in prior posts this shift occurred once I discovered emotions, the evil which lives in all of us. I cannot contain my crazy because I lack a social filter. This deficiency causes me to stay locked away alone in my home. Isolation is like throwing gasoline onto a fire. 

A recent example was getting thrown out of stamp dealer store. This dude was being a dick, what’s worse is I was fully aware of his strategy. To make a long story short this man was not expecting nor appreciated the verbal vomit of honesty spewing from my lips. I don’t know if it was my honesty or my liberal use of the word “fuck.” The end result is being permantely banned from this establishment. My honesty being without a filter almost got me arrested. 

The Pandora ‘s box of my insanity and the curse of seeing the truth of our society, a society blinded by complacency and ignorance. Most great minds are plagued with madness, they must have faced the facts of their reality and still have the courage to use it as a tool to enact change. 

The following link leads to the face of true evil.

https://coms.doc.state.mn.us/publicviewer/OffenderDetails/Index/254746/Search 

To the great majority the day of our birth is a day for celebration! It’s a time for cake, presents and countless Happy Birthdays on Fake Book… sorry Facebook. Unfortunately there are many people who view their day of birth far differently. For people like me we mourn the day of our birth and becomes a huge trigger into madness. 

I was talking to my dad and he expressed regret for not serving as an infantry during the Vietnam War. He was a specialist, and was redirected from infantry. I could hear the remorse in his voice and the swelling of his eyes trying to hold back the tears. I wondered the consequences in our time line had my dad been in the infantry and died. I know my birth would not have happened. I realized this made me sad, angry, and resentment. Wishing for this alternate reality to be my reality. 

The moral to this story is don’t wish people happy birthday because you never know the intense pressure you just put on someone.

https://coms.doc.state.mn.us/publicviewer/OffenderDetails/Index/254746/Search

I was advised to stay quite while as a family we went through hell and back thanks to this piece of shit my daughters life has been changed and damaged by him, and not writing about this has been very difficult. Over time I plan on telling this story although for the sake of my readers I will reframe from posting one long drawn out post. 

If you want to see the predator who took my daughter and I in to his home during a very fucked up time. Mentally I was fucked, all the while this man who was supposed to be my friend and as he called it we are a family like “My two dads.” One of the things that eats at me is he systematically kept me sick and fucked up on purpose to groom my daughter. 

I want it to be noted I am an overly honest person when it comes to writing and the posts to come will be from eyes and I will be painfully open, but out of respect to my daughter any details regarding my her and this douche fuck will be limited to “grooming.” 

I will attempt to unravel this cluster fuck in future posts. 

I avoid mirrors, I simply can’t handle seeing my own reflection. I naturally have a difficult time making eye contact with anyone, fearing they will see through my mask. The rare moments I make eye contact with the man in the Mirror I grow weary and this is what came out.

My faces of evil

Cleverly hidden 

My eyes…

The window into a voidless darkness…

Soulless 

Stare too long and he takes you away

“Grab my hand”

“I will take this pain away”

“Follow me into the shadows”

“Fear not of voided thoughts”

“Shed no tears”

“We have lived beyond our years”

“Trust in me”

“To take the pain away”

Behind my children’s eyes
They weep, they cry
Standing by while flowers die
No hope upon this stage
Locked away in my cage
They cry
Regardless of our futile tries
Seeing their eyes
Hearing their cries
Inside I slowly die
To know their pain
Daddy has gone insane
To be the cause, attacking with verbal claws
Suddenly I pause
Realizing a life of lies
Failed tries
All the things which bring tears to their eyes
The fractured parts lay bare to see
Hating myself for being me
With holy sighs
Wishing I couldn’t hear my children’s cries
Stop their tears
Ease all fears
The lies
The fights
Fucking sleepless nights
The lies
Sorrow in their eyes 

Where Have All The Flowers Gone?

Posted: September 3, 2016 in Death, Depression

WARNING This post has absolutely nothing to do with flowers, Peter, Paul, or Mary beyond their song getting stuck in my head while I am searching for the proper title of this post. You have been warned.

Take out the flowers and insert the posts and I thought it was a clever title considering the direction things were going and then just… Nothing. 

I am not narcissistic enough to think my regular readers arw losing sleep because of this silence, so this is more for me than anything. 

Lesson learned trying to be considerate whilst committing what I have been told is the most selfish of all acts is a bad idea. I have created this singularity around my suicidal ideologies, tendencies and what the probability is of me taking my own life. I discovered this singularity during my recent stay in the psych ward. 

People were worried and concerned on how serious this was due to red flag actions. I did my best and played my part as the boy who has called wolf one to many times to minimize alarm. Sadly to say one person wasn’t willing to take such a gamble. As a result my depressing clothes were replaced with the scrubs to identify the mentally ill. 

I did my time then changed from my scrubs into my depressing wardrobe and sent back into the post-apocalyptic reality which happily replaces my Depression with colorful scrubs and socks. 

The trajectory of the planet as it orbits it’s star is consistent predictable and the outcome will always be the same. Unfortunately my trajectory like the planet is… the same. 

Now I have been given the gift of seeing the sun rise another day. The best example I can think of at the moment is waking up to see the real Vegas after the sun covered the sins created the night before. 

Being poor

Wanting more

Cubburds bare

I wished upon a star

Even trying a rare prayer

An elephant tear

Appears filled with fear

Being poor

Children needing more

Unwaking nightmare

I promised I swore

I tried so hard to ignore 

My final wish to create my final scar

“Every intelligent individual wants to know what makes him tick, and yet is at once fascinated and frustrated by the fact that oneself is the most difficult of all things to know.” – Alan Watts

I don’t know who I really am. In fact I don’t even know how to describe where I am at this exact moment. My mind is foggy… just as Venus is trapped in a reverse green house effect. My intelligence and cognitive functioning gets trapped in the atmosphere, there is no reprieve from suffering, trapped and unable to escape.

In time everything is cooked. Water evaporates with nowhere to go. Gases formed toxicity of death. Mymind is Venus’s mirror the history of our solar system being replayed and recreated within my mind. A reverse Greenhouse effect of the psyche. Everything’s chaotic so many intense feelings, emotions, and just fucking everything.

Where once Venus supported life, my mind as well promoted life by feeling all this hurt and pain purged from my mind and released into the empty space of passing and forgotten thoughts. The chaotic intensity so vivid and crazy is unable to escaped. Trapping the madness and depression cooking my very being, evaporating hope and happiness with only chaotic Insanity. Rational gases of Doubt anxiety fear sadness take over my mental planets the ability to verbalize or explain, the ability to ask for help to be happy to have hope is just as trapped. I am toxic and just as lifeless… as Venus

I have heard this phrase from many people when it comes to my writings about suicide. I agree with them 100% And Believe Me I would love nothing more then too no longer be. My issue is as it always has been, how will my Suicide effect my family. That alone has been my safety net. I have a plan I have a date this makes me comfortable because its the only thing i feel i can control. Before my date I owe it to my family to make sure I am doing everything I can to make myself mentally healthy. I will continue to try as hard as I can to want to live.

Writing about my troubled feelings is cathartic and helps me deal with and process my feelings. I apologize if some of my writings contain suicidal ideologies and for those who get annoyed because i dont just shut up and do it, if things continue to get worse than you will have your wush. Frankly when it comes down to it if you don’t like what I’m saying then stop reading my fucking shit.