Archive for the ‘Emotional Abuse’ Category

Graceful Dancing

Posted: May 16, 2015 in Absolute Truth, Abuse, Aging, America, Anxiety, Arguments, Atheism, Atheist, Bi-Polar, Bible, Blog, Blogging, Books, Brainwashed, Change, Charity, Charity Foundations, Christianity, Church, Community, Confessions, Coping, Corporate Culture, Crisis, Crooked Politicians, Culture, Death, Debates, Depression, Diary, Dilemma, Dreams, Duty of Care, Dying, Elderly, Emotional Abuse, Epic Battle, Ethics, Evil, Faith, Family, Fear, Forgiveness, God, Good, Good-byes, Greed, Grief, Haile Selassie, Insanity, Inside My Mind, Jesus, Journal, Lies and broken promises, Life, Lists, Living in fear, Logic, Love, Mania, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Minnesota, Misc, miscellaneous, Moral Theories, Morals, Motivation, Mourning, Nursing Homes, Opinion, Pain, Personal, Philosophy, Politics, Prayers, Progress, Psychosis, Quotes, Random, Random Thoughts, Rants, Reform, Rejection, Rights, Sadness, Self-esteem, Self-Help, Self-image, Social Debates, Social Injustices, Society, Sorrow, Spirituality, Stress, Suffering, Suicide, Suicide Note, The Bible, The Bucket List Foundation, The Philosophy of Quotes, Theology, TheRandomArtist, Thoughts, Treatment, Uncategorized, Unity, Verbal Abuse, Work, Work Environment, Writing
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The choice of letting go and saying goodbye is never easy, yet the decision to hold on is even harder. I have let go of hopes, dreams, relationships, redemption and written my goodbyes many times in the past, but every morning I regret my choices and my decisions to hold on… This was the beginning of the post I was working on last Saturday, what was to follow was going to be my final words then swallow every bit of medication I had and finally be at peace. Instead I ended up in the psych ward at Abbot where I stayed until yesterday against my doctors and others advice. I didn’t see the point in staying, all they did was drug me to the point where all I could do was sleep. I was at a crossroads where I knew whether I chose to stay or go I was leaving in worse shape when wen I went in. When I walked out of the hospital and reality came crashing down on me I knew right then and there that I fucked up choosing to go to begin with, yet again regretting my decision to hold on. So I am back where I started but with a bit more inner strength then I had before because I received a mental vacation, but seriously how long will that last? The answer will come in the next week or so as I sit back and see how everything plays out between my job, dream, finances, and relationships. I feel I am at the point where depending on how these things play out will determine my future.

My life is riddled with mistakes, and regrets each one adding to the greater mound of shit called life. At this moment three key things come to mind, keep in mind this is not in chronological order of importance.

  1. Failing at fixing all the problems at the nursing home I work at to improve the quality of life of the residents I have grown to care for so deeply.
  2. Giving up on my dreams of becoming a writer or an artist.
  3. Not finding redemption for the countless number of lives I have destroyed in my 35 years on this earth.
  4. Not following through with shit on November 26th.

I think what it comes down to is acceptance. I need to accept that I won’t ever be more than I am right now. I have to finally accept I won’t ever be able to help the residents where I work. I don’t know what’s worse giving up on my dreams or trying to redeem myself by helping people just like me who can’t help themselves. I have done shitty things; I have poisoned and hurt everyone and everything I have ever touched. Many of my poems touch on this concept of being a “virus.”

For over six years I have worked so hard to make up for all the pain and suffering I have caused by reducing the pain and suffering the residents at the nursing home I work for by the hands and decisions of the very same people who are supposed to care for and safe guard these residents. There are many good hearted people whom I work with who carry this burden of failure, if any of them are reading this they know the deep sorrow and feeling of helplessness of not being able to give these guys the proper quality of life they deserve.

I have been in business with and covered up things for “business associates” who wouldn’t hesitate putting a bullet in your head, but being involved with and covering up for an employer who is a non-profit and allows vulnerable adults and employees to be harassed mistreated and discriminated against is far worse in my eyes. There are many people at the nursing home I work at who see the same things I see but do not act; as Haile Selassie so eloquently put it

Throughout history, it has been the inaction of those who could have acted; the indifference of those who should have known better; the silence of the voice of justice when it mattered most; that has made it possible for evil to triumph.”

All of the people involved in my past life and unfortunately as of late too much of my current life chose “the life” and in the end we all end up in one of two places, we deserve whatever end to our means no matter how horrific or painful. Our residents on the other hand do not deserve the means that transpire until their end comes.

This is my apology to the residents that have come and gone who failed to receive the proper quality of life they deserved. I am sorry that I can no longer continue to fight for the change needed, it is destroying me. My old associates showed more mercy delivering people to their end, than the people I work for now. The people employed by this company who care are used and pushed until they break while the predators are allowed to continue to prey.

Non-profits are not supposed to be run like a criminal organization where fear and intimidation rule. Non-profits are supposed to be built upon something called “Duty of care.” If any one of the “criminals” who work at this nursing home is reading this let me define what duty of care means.

“Duty of care is the moral and legal obligation to attend to the safety and wellbeing of those they serve, those who work for them and others who come into contact with their operations.”

Now to wrap things up there may be some people who do not understand what the title of this entry has to do with the content. Below is a Youtube link of Justin Furstenfeld performing the song “Graceful Dancing.” After hearing his introduction to this powerful song, and seeing the familiar emotions during his performance I decided to check myself into the hospital which drastically changed the content of this post. For that I thank the artist and the person who posted this video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCFpgfvPGZo&list=PLIWCEQoVmfdHIakN42xTrXYjPnE6I3EHB&index=55

 

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Never Ending Night Frame 3Puppet Master Frame 4

 

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Both drawings are limited numbered and signed, and come with a free signed copy of the poem.

 

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There is a place we go

Where we cannot find light

Our eyes adjusted

To our own twisted Plight

We hide in places

Live with fright

Within this never-ending night

We roam

We seek

In search of light

Mind to fucked to speak

Within his never-ending night

We reach our hands up high

Seeking comfort from imaginary hands

We find nothing

Only the pain

Which never went away

No end in sight

Within this never-ending night

Scream all you want

No one will hear

Reality is no one is there

I seek

Until my knees are weak

Reality setting in

I have traveled nowhere

Trapped within

My suffocating box

I am in this never-ending night

A feeble prayer

To a God who was never there

The time has come

Within this box

My mind rots

No air

No light

No hope

Only madness

Brought on from my never-ending night

My cold dark stare

nothing is something

Better

Than living in my never-ending night

In my hands

I hold the key

My only freedom

Only escape

From my never-ending night

One blissful pull

I enter into the light

It amazes me how quickly I can be beaten down. How easily I can fall apart. How little I can handle. How easily I can lie to myself. Its borderline delusional laced with denial. Happiness and hope are things I cannot know, let alone ever have. I want the acceptance, of knowing things will never be alright. I want the comfort that comes from embracing this reality. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to think. Life was better when I was dead inside. It is so much better than to continue living a lie.

I have been receiving valued advice on how I should be careful what I write considering everything that is going on. I cannot even keep track, of how many times in the past this same advice has been given to me. I wasn’t able to follow it then, and I can’t follow it now. I have never understood the point of writing poetry or music just for the sake of it. Art in any form is meant to be personal and hold personal meaning, this is how art manifests itself into a ting of beauty. I won’t write unless the very essence of who I am, and how I feel can bleed out into my words, if I do anything less than this I am rejecting my true self. Being rejected by others is horrible enough, but if you reject who you really are you will spend the rest of your life living amongst the chameleons and the fools who hide behind masks and perceived social norms.

I have lived my entire life as a chameleon, and played the fool behind the mask. I had difficulty socializing with my peers, so I had to figure out who I needed to be in order for them to accept me. Living my entire life in this manner, can I honestly say I know who I REALLY am? The person I feel I am is the person I have been told I am over and over again. This only reinforces my chameleon colors, and motivates me to build better masks. I cannot stand the reflection of the man of clay you shaped to feel worthless. I know those who are saying these are victim statements, which just by saying such a thing does not validate the individuals real feelings.

The only time I have ever felt safe and free enough to be the real me is when I write. It is therapeutic to write books and post honesty in its purist form for the world to see. The thought of altering the only real honesty and relationship I have in my life, because of the fear of my soon to be ex-wife using my words against me, is just reinforcing the very self-hatred I am trying to overcome. If a judge were to decide that my children shouldn’t be with me because of who I really am, than I obviously have no business being a parent. I do not fear this will be the outcome.

I consider anything I write to be confessional in nature. I am always honest and true to myself regardless of any criticisms or judgments I may receive. I have paid a regrettable price for things I have written in the past. I haven’t spoken to my father in over four years for many reasons, but a recurring reason was a poem I wrote in one of my books. This in of itself sucks, but I feel the outcome was inevitable regardless. My biggest regret is the hurt, pain, and rift I created in regards to a family reunion. I felt hurt and rejected by my family for showing the real me, but in reality it was how I reacted to those feelings instead of thinking like a logical adult I acted like a child. This only made the situation worse and resulted in hurting the ones who were actually supporting me. Although it has taken some time it is one of those valuable life lessons I have learned about taking real ownership for my actions without the use of the word “but”.

The only true negative about such pure honesty is knowing I will be single for the remainder of my years.

What We Learn From Failed Relationships

Posted: May 27, 2014 in Absolute Truth, Abuse, Anxiety, Arguments, Blog, Blogging, Change, Childhood, Children, Coping, Crisis, Culture, Dating, Debates, Depression, Diary, Dilemma, Divorce, Dreams, Emotional Abuse, Ethics, Evil, Faith, Family, Fatherhood, Fear, Forgiveness, Freedom, Fun, Greed, Grief, Growing up in abusive homes, Health, Humor, Inside My Mind, Journal, Kids, Learning, Lies and broken promises, Life, Lists, Living Your Dream, Logic, Love, Lust, Marriage, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Misc, miscellaneous, Moral Theories, Morals, Motivation, Mourning, NA, Opinion, Pain, Parent, Parenting, Personal, Philosophy, Poems, Poetry, Published Author, Quotes, Random, Random Thoughts, Rants, Rejection, Relationship Issues, Relationships, Sadness, Self-esteem, Self-Help, Self-image, Social Anxiety, Social Debates, Society, Sorrow, Spirituality, Stress, Suffering, The Invention of Lying, The Philosophy of Lyrics, The Philosophy of Quotes, Things That Give Me Anxiety, Thoughts, Top Ten Lists, Uncategorized, Unity, Verbal Abuse, Writing
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I would first like to start off by thanking all of my readers and subscribers. I learned today; I have readers from 61 different countries. I think that’s pretty bad ass. I am aware that my readership grew from the topics of philosophy, theology, and madness. So bear with me as I stray a bit from those topics. Today I would like to release that which has been permeating in my mind. I would like ponder for a moment the importance of learning from our mistakes in a failed relationship. Through all of this I am trying to maintain a positive attitude and outlook. So here we go.

The one thing I can say with out a doubt is I am far from sainthood. I have made my more than my fair share of mistakes, and bad decisions which played a role in the overall destruction of my marriage. I am ashamed and consumed with intense guilt because of this. This combined with my wife’s lies, and infidelity has allowed me to see the light. I am sure I could write a 200 page paper on this topic, but I will try to keep this short and sweet.

There are 10 main things I have learned in my failed marriage. Now mind you there are far more than 10, but as I said this is not a 200 page dissertation on my failed marriage. I will do my best to not place blame, because it doesn’t do anyone any good. Some things on this list will undoubtedly overlap, even though this is the case I feel each one deserves to be mentioned. Without further ado here is my list of 10 things I learned from my failed marriage.

  1. Never Lie: I did a lot of research after I found out about what my wife did. I learned that in humans our first response when we know we have done something wrong, that will ultimately lead to a negative outcome our immediate response is to lie. We do this for two reasons one we want to avoid conflict, and two we don’t want to get in trouble. Since I am a proponent of the tabula rasa theory (mind being born as a blank slate.) I feel this is a trait we learn as children, which carries over into adulthood. Lying to your partner no matter how small is a terrible idea. We can overcome this childish trait, by knowing our partner as well as ourselves, focus on understanding and know that mistakes are actually learning opportunities.
  2. Never Cheat: I think this one doesn’t need further explanation. It’s a painful and shitty thing to do to those we love. Even if (insert some attractive famous person) wanted to be with you, nothing is worth hurting the one you love.
  3. Trust: it should go without saying that if the two things listed above are followed then trust shouldn’t be an issue. Unfortunately we all carry the baggage of past hurt, what we need to realize is who ever we are with now is not the person who caused us hurt in the past. I would imagine it would be a good idea to be open and honest about these past hurts. A relationship that is not built on trust is like trying to build a house of cards on a windy day, neither of these two examples will be successful. The perfect advice one can give in fostering trust in a relationship is this; if you would not say or do something if your partner was there with you, then you definitely shouldn’t do it.
  4. Accept and Love Each Other For All Their Good Qualities, As Well As Their Flaws: let’s admit it people, no one is perfect, and those who claim to be are probably the most screwed up of them all. Initially I am sure that we all fall in love with our mates good qualities. During the “courting” or “honeymoon” phase of a relationship, it is kind of like interviewing for a job, you really are not being completely honest your just trying to get the “job.” As the relationship progresses and begins to become serious is usually when we start to notice each others flaws. The important thing is that we learn to love that person regardless of their flaws. In fact I believe our flaws can become the most exciting part of a relationship. When you love the good qualities along with the flaws you know you have found true love; when everything seems to fit like a glove.
  5. Never Put Your Partner Down and Break Their Will: this topic has a lot to do with item number four. There are just two things I would like to add. The first is from an article by John Gottman, PhD in an article titled “4 Signs of A Troubled Marriage” Here is the link.http://affiliatedpsychologicalservices.com/4-signs-of-a-troubled-marriage/ Gottman talks about “The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse” which are clear signs you are headed for a divorce. The first two he brings up is “Criticism” and “Contempt.” If anyone out there grew up in an abusive home where as a child you were faced with these two horsemen, having to deal with such things in a marriage is a key ingredient in a divorce. If you tell someone something negative about them enough times, with the right amount of nastiness it is only natural the other party will believe what they are being told, and inevitable this is who they will see when they look into the mirror. I don’t think people are aware of how serious the long term damage can be. My second point comes from a line from the song “Weight of The World” by Blue October. “Don’t bother changing things that won’t give into changing.” It is one thing to help your partner grow and become the best person they can be, but in the process don’t try to change who they are inside. If you are hell bent on trying to force someone to change, there is always medication. If this is your goal please take to heart one of my quotes “Medication is to fix the people we don’t like.” If you feel you need to medicate your partner, it’s time to call it quits.
  6. Freedom: As your relationship grows, it is imperative that you do not take away your partners freedom. When I say freedom I am not referring to allowing your partner to go out all the time neglecting the relationship, and engaging in behaviors which fall into the first three categories I listed. When I say freedom, I say that it is clearly healthy to share and be with each other, but it is also healthy to have a respectful life outside of the relationship. I have made this deadly mistake in one of my relationships, and I have now been on the receiving end of how damaging smothering and isolating your partner can be. If your relationship is built on a strong foundation of trust and respect this should be something you encourage each other to do. I have always admired the relationship between my best friend of 26 years and his lovely wife. I will not mention names, but I truly hope one day I can figure out whatever their secret is, and apply it to my future relationships. I am going to encourage them to write a book.
  7. Support Their Dreams: There is nothing more precious and sacred than some ones hopes and dreams. For some our dreams appear to us when we are young, others do not fully realize their dreams until they discover who they are. When I was young I had the normal boyhood dreams to become a professional football or baseball player, unfortunately like normal boys those dreams were not meant to be. Beyond those two options, I really didn’t have anything else that drove or inspired me, until the 5th grade. Long story short I ended up doing many writing assignments and I remember my teacher signing my year book, saying she could one day see something I have written being published. I was not a very well behaved child, so positive reinforcement from the teachers I tormented was rare, but from that moment my dream changed. I wanted to become a professional writer. As I grew older I held onto this dream, and wrote in private. I never thought anything I would write would be read let alone published. Again long story short one of my poetry books was published, I started this blog, wrote two children’s books, and two other poetry books. Needless to say this was the greatest I had ever felt about myself, because I accomplished something I never thought I could… my dream. I did not receive support from my partner, and in fact was highly put down and discouraged from continuing to write, until finally I had no option but to stop writing. The details behind this are not important at this moment.
  8. Open & Honest Communication: You would think this is a no brainier, but for my marriage and I would imagine many others this proved to be too challenging to overcome and sowed the seeds to our divorce. I feel if you have all seven of these things listed above then number eight would be a given, but if you take out one or two of the above it makes communication a challenge. I avoided and ran away from open and honest communication. I could make a laundry list for why, but this is already becoming too long of a post. Mainly I was afraid to honestly look in the mirror, I was scared I was going to receive an unhealthy dose of items four and five. Regardless of those reasons it is on me for failing in this aspect of our marriage. I need to take ownership for this, and like everything listed learn to not make the same mistakes. It is very difficult and challenging for me to be social, and communicate even with those closest to me. I know this is something I need to work on, but what always ends up playing over and over in my mind is the Pink Floyd lyrics from the song “The Final Cut” which I will add at the end.
  9. Be A Selfless Lover: This is actually one area where I have and feel the most accomplished. I felt I needed to add this, because in my experience men in general put their intimacy needs, or the final “outcome” before their partners. I will not go into detail in case my mom is reading this, but as men our primary focus and goal when it comes to being intimate is placing our partners needs before ourselves. Any man can do his business and be on his way, but this is a man who has failed. When it comes to intimacy your only goal and desire should be the feelings and ultimate “outcome” of your partners needs. Everything else should be secondary.
  10. Find Your Genuine Light: Tomorrow I am going to post a quick poem describing the meaning behind this comment. I do not believe in soul mates. I do not believe there is only one true love for everyone. I believe for everyone, there exists many individuals who could be considered your genuine light. I believe they are rare, but they are out there. My advice is if you feel you are holding your genuine light, don’t let them slip away because you cannot be certain another one will come around to light up your life.

 

“And if I show you my dark side
Will you still hold me tonight?
And if I open my heart to you
And show you my weak side
What would you do?
Would you sell your story to Rolling Stone?
Would you take the children away
And leave me alone?
And smile in reassurance
As you whisper down the phone?
Would you send me packing?
Or would you take me home?”

Pink Floyd

These lyrics describe perfectly why it is so difficult for me to open up to people, which hinders my ability to effectively communicate.

After over 90 days the court order has arrived delivering the final verdict in the battle over good and evil. This is the culmination of a battle spanning 11 years. The order is as follows.

  • Physical Custody: I have been awarded sole physical custody of my daughter. (Victory)
  • Legal Custody: We will continue to share 50/50 legal. (Defeat)
  • Visitation: Satan will have visitation on the second and fourth Sunday of every month from 3-7pm. (Victory)
  • Holidays: I was awarded all holidays. (Victory)
  • Child Support: Satan is ordered to pay $327.00 a month. This order is back dated to January 1st 2010. This puts Satan $1,135.00 in rears or 3.5 months delinquent. (Victory)
  • Health Care: Satan is ordered to pay 42% of all unpaid and unreimbursed medical bills. (Defeat)

I knew I was going to be awarded sole physical, but I was disappointed over legal. In two years; Satan has attended zero softball games. In the same amount of time she has attended only 2 basketball games, missing all her playoff games including the championship game. She has not attended a single school function including conferences. She shows no interest in her daughter’s life. I figured with this and the fact we can not get along would cause the judge to award me full legal. I am still okay with the decision since her mother will not attend any of these things in the future.

We disagreed on visitation time. Satan wanted her from 4-8pm, but since she can never be on time to either pick or drop her off 8pm is way to late. During the school year my daughter needs to get her choirs done, and be ready for bed so she is well rested. When we were in court the judge asked Satan why she was unable to do 3-7pm “because she had other obligations.” I found it funny when the judge mentions this in the final document.

Holidays were a given since Satan requested holidays not to be sent with her, but with her grandmother. It is sad Satan does not want to spend holidays with her own daughter.

The child support was huge for me since the only reason her mother came back into her life was to try to avoid paying child support. In court she told the judge she felt she should not have to pay anything to support her daughter. Satan was willing to give up legal and physical custody as long as I didn’t ask her to pay child support. She requested she only pay $100.00 and I was asking she pay $300.

When I received the order I sent her a text just to make sure we were on the same page. The order stated to send child support payments to the court. There is no order currently opened for collections through the county. I informed her of this and explained she needs to send the check to me. Her response was of course rude as hell, saying she will send the money where the order states. I again tried to explain there was no order open, so it was pointless. She continued to be difficult, so I asked her if she would rather have the county collect, or would she see reason. She threw it in my face with more rudeness and disrespect.

My wife pointed out the next day, the order was back dated to January 1st 2010. I sent a text to both Satan and her husband Fuck Face. I explained in there, it was a great decision to choose the courts to collect. I then went into how much they were in rears, and the collection repercussions of going through the courts. In the state of Minnesota the repercussions of non-payment goes anywhere from severe delinquency status on credit report all the way to criminal nonpayment. I ended the text pointing out currently they fall under five of the categories.

I immediately received a text from Fuck Face saying they now had no problem sending me the money, and how important it was we worked together. I have been trying to communicate with these two douches over the last two years and I am either ignored or given some dank attitude. I just responded with I will see it when I believe it.

I need to see if with sole physical custody if I can keep my daughter away from Fuck Face. My daughter made me promise her she would never have to see him again. Satan is using my daughters sisters as a tool to force her into seeing Fuck Face, and my daughter is all torn up about it. It has been 1 year and 4 months since she has seen her sisters.

I am sure this will not be the last drama to come from this ongoing battle. I do know one thing I no longer have to fear Satan will use my daughter against me. She no longer has that power over my daughter or myself. It is a great feeling for both of us.

I feel compelled to do a quick Satan update, because I am just steaming over her manipulation and terror. This Sunday was her visitation with my daughter, (in case you are new, she sees her two Sunday’s a month for four hours.) Satan texted me last week, and asked if she could keep her until 8:45pm last night. I figured I would use this time to ask her some questions, which she had been ignoring me on.

I texted her awhile back because she is not paying her part of the therapy bill. I can no longer send my daughter to therapy, because Satan’s half of the bill is getting larger, and if she chooses not to pay then the therapist will start collection proceeding on me. I also asked her if she was going to let her see her sisters soon. It has been 1 year and 3 months since she had last seen them.

I waited and waited with no response. I texted her again and asked her if she was going to ignore me yet again. She texted me back saying her daughter threw up in the car, and she could not respond. She said is that okay with me, clearly being sarcastic. I texted her back, and said that is fine, but if you have time to text me a rude response then you can text me the answers to my question.

About an hour later she texted me and said when and if she pays the therapist is none of my business, and neither is when she allows my daughter to see her sisters. At this point I am fuming with hate and anger. I respond and say it is my business whether or not she pays the therapist, and it is my business when she lets her see her sisters because I am her caretaker and it affects her negatively. Her response was what her and fuck face do with their daughters is none of my business. I did not respond, I did not give her an answer on whether she could keep her until 8:45.

The hate in me wanted to tell her that the court order states she can only have her until 8pm and that is what I am going to enforce. I did not do this because the person I would be hurting most would be my daughter. I figured even if I said she could not keep her she would anyway. Sunday was a school night, and I was not happy about it since my daughter would be rushed to get her nighttime duties done and would be tired for the next day.

Well 8:45 came and went, and they were not here. My daughter called my wife and told her they were lost and would be late; she sounded upset. She got home around 9:40 and immediately asked if she was going to see her therapist on Tuesday. We had to inform her that she can not see her therapist, due to finances. She said she was upset and wanted to talk to someone. She feels most comfortable talking to my wife since she has been more of a mother to her than her real mom.

She stated that she did not like how her mom always ends their visits with something sad. She said that Satan asked her if she felt comfortable with Fuck Face and her sisters being there next mothers day. Satan immediately said, nevermind you are not ready. This upset my daughter because she does not want to see Tim, and she is afraid to say anything negative towards her mom. She fears if she says anything bad then her mom will stop seeing her again.

The fucked up thing is Satan will not allow my daughter to see her sisters unless Fuck Face is with. She is using her sisters as a bargaining chip. The only way she can see them, is if she sees him. My daughter is petrified of this man and wants nothing to do with him, but so desperately wants to see her sisters. I know eventually she will crack and agree to this, or Satan will just show up on her visitation time with Fuck Face. I do know one thing, I will deny any visitation involving her step-dad.

I just hate how much pain this woman is causing my daughter. The sickest thing is she is her mother, and she knows what she is doing is causing her immense pain. I can not imagine trying to do one of my children like that. Things were so much better when this douche was not around. My daughter was finally becoming strong and happy. Ever since Satan showed up in January and wanted to see her again, my daughter has gone downhill.

The only reason her mom is in her life is because I took her to court to get full custody and child support. Once they saw I was seeking child support they suddenly wanted to see her again. I know the only reason Fuck Face wants to see her is so he can intimidate her to start spending every other weekend at their house so they can decrease child support. This shit disgusts me to no end. I want so badly to just sit my daughter down and show her all the texts I have saved. I want to try to show her that her mom does not care about her; she only cares about not paying child support. This poor little girl tries so hard to get her mom to truly love and care about her. The saddest part is she will never get that.

I am still waiting for the court’s decision on this matter. When we went to court the judge was clearly pissed at her mothers behavior, and called her out. The whole thing seemed so cut and dry. I figured a decision would come very quickly. We went to court on March 3rd and still nothing. My fear is by the time the judge revisits the paperwork, the actual court hearing will be a distant memory. He has 90 days to make his decision, so I think that means we should have a decision in no more than three weeks.

The court date is set for March 3rd, I filed the paperwork in Janurary. I am requesting full legal and physical custody, along with child support. The demon see’s her daughter two times a month for a total of 96 hours in a year. In an e-mail she agreed to give me full legal and physical custody as long as I don’t pursue child support. I did not agree; I feel she should help support her daughter. If you would like additional information; feel free to read past posts.

 I filed the court papers months ago, and I had her served by mail, since this time I have been waiting to hear her response. This is causing my anxiety to kick into hyperdrive, and is gravely affecting my life. The court papers say; if she is disputing anything, and is serving by mail it had to be post marked by the 18th of February. She lives close by, so I should have recieved the papers. If she intends to have someone serve me, it has to be 5 days before the court date.

I could no longer handle the stress, so I called family courts, I asked if the demon had filed a response. The court person, said she filed a response on the 16th of February. I stated I had not recieved yet, and it is the 23rd. I asked her if she signed an avidavid stating if she had mailed, or was I going to be served. She stated to me, that she had not filed the avidavid, which states she is mailing or serving. I had some questions stating the judge should not accept, since she violated the court rules on when she should send it. I was transfered to one of the judges assistants.

I spoke withe the judges assistant, she would not assist me in much. The feeling I got from her was not a good one. She advised me to talk to the legal support team to talk about my options. The assistant informed me; the evil one was disputing, but would not say what. I asked her about filing deadlines, she informed me I may not see the paperwork until the actual court date, she did tell me the judge would give me time to review, or reschedule the court date. I need to see those papers so I can mount my defense. I am not okay with rescheduling, this whole situation has not been good for my mental health.

I called the self help legal team, but the wait time for a call backl is 3-4 business days. I have delt with the self help desk before, and they do not assist much over the phone. They advise you to come in, which is not an option. My daughter has school patrol all week, and her grandma picks her up from school. I have a feeling she will be the one to serve me on Friday. This will put the nail in the coffen for our relationship. There was a time when she was not allowed to speak to Satan, and she was very friendly; she praised us many times, stating my daughter was better off not seeing her mom, and that we were great parents. Since her reunion with the demon, she has not said a word to us.

Here is my biggest problem, because I did not agree with the beast on child support she is on a rampage for revenge. She does not give a shit what is in her daughters best interest. She is spiteful, through our whole relationship she has used our daughter to try and hurt me. I fear that she will request 50% physical custody so she does not have to pay child support, or request that she live with her full time. I made a promise to my daughter that I would never allow her to see fuck face, and that I will protect her from him.

I hope the judge can see, she is only doing this because she does not want to pay child support. Since March 2009, she has only seen her four times, for a total of 12 hours. She was invited to go to parents day, and watch our daughter perform in a concert. She never came, times between their visits she does not attempt to contact her. This evil manipulating douche bag, does not care what is in her daughters best interest, she only cares about revenge.

Every month I need to text Satan, and ask her if she has mailed the $100.00 support check for the month. The check is either mailed that day, or the day after. I sent such a text yesterday. Her response was as follows “you don’t have insurance; right? What is the check for then?” I was shocked by this response and I was unsure how to respond to this. I texted her and said that it was for the support of your daughter, just like a deadbeat dad is ordered to pay. I went on to say that I can just file for collections from the county, and how I would be happy to report to the judge that she is refusing to pay the ordered support. Before I continue, I should explain a few things. (Please see previous Satan posts for more info)

My daughter came to stay with us in the first week, of June 2008. I stated to Satan; we would be changing this legally. She had two stipulations; the first was she will NOT pay any child support, and the second was physical/legal custody would not be changed; it would need to state just a change in visitation. I requested she contribute $100.00 towards medical. At the time of the current order we had her insured. We stopped carrying insurance, because we could no longer afford it. It would cost us $10,000.00 before the insurance would cover anything. This option does not make financial sense, so we cut insurance and set up an HSA (Health Savings Account) which we contribute to every month. Okay back to our text conversation yesterday.

Satan responded like the evil hoe bag she is; on top of that she had the gull to start her text off with Lol followed by an exclamation point. The following wickedness spewed from her ludicrous mind. “Lol! You sure love to get nasty, you’re so predictable. The $100.00 was half the insurance that you dropped. If you think that you having a judge order me to pay child support bothers me; it doesn’t. I’m not giving you money for insurance you don’t carry. The judge will help us figure it out.”

I responded by pointing out she is responsible for supporting her child, and we may not be carrying traditional insurance but we put money away every paycheck. I also stated we carry full dental on her, and that it states she needs to pay $100.00 in support, the order does not specify medical insurance. Finally I pointed out she is responsible for 50% of unreimbursed and uninsured medical bills. I have taken care of these medical bills; I have never had a doctor’s office bill her for her portion. I let her know; I would be changing this. Satan had no response to this text, and I am certain she will not be sending a check this month.

I am convinced one of two things is going on; either she has an attorney or she is in fact that brainless. She has yet to send a response to the court papers I sent her; since our court date is scheduled for March 3rd she is running out of time. I know she will argue in court, since I am not carrying traditional insurance, then she should not have to pay the court ordered support. I have a hard time believing the judge would be okay with her refusal to pay. First and foremost she is court ordered to pay, and like I stated above the order does not specify health insurance. Secondly; since June 1st 2008 Satan has done absolutely nothing to help support her daughter beyond the $100.00 a month check. Thirdly; we spend $250.00 a month to keep our daughter in therapy, and the only reason she has to go to therapy is because of the damage Satan and her husband have caused.

My reasons for thinking she has an attorney is for the exact reasons I stated above, an attorney may wait to the last minute to file a response so we have less time to prepare. An attorney may have looked at the current order and told her she no longer had to pay. Satan has made comments during one of our many arguments that she has spoken to an attorney. I can understand an attorney’s tactic to wait till the last minute to file the paperwork, but I am having trouble with an attorney advising their client to go against a court paper. I also have a hard time believing an attorney would even agree to take the case considering the amount of documentation we have, they would know Satan doesn’t have a leg to stand on… then again I may be giving attorneys too much credit. I am sure they would talk her up just to collect a payday.

Last night I was looking at pictures of my younger sister’s newborn baby on Facebook. As I went from one picture to the next I was feeling a sense of joy, from seeing her first-born child. My emotions turned upside down when a picture of her father holding Lily popped up. Seeing a picture of the man who tormented me for so many years was a bit shocking, many emotions welled up inside me ranging from hate to sympathy. I laid on the couch, and an urge came to text my sister, and ask for my estranged step-fathers number. Shortly thereafter I received his number, and programmed it into my phone. It was too late to call him, so I decided to what until tomorrow to make the call. I woke up this morning, and felt trepidation mixed with excitement to make the call. I waited and waited filled with nerves I haven’t felt in many years. I finally built up the courage to call around 4:30pm. I think a little background information is in order, before I continue this story.

My mother and father divorced when I was very young, maybe two or three I really don’t remember. Shortly after the divorce my mother met Sam; I was young when they first got together so I really do not recall their early relationship, or what it was like living with him. I am sure he was nice and charming, for if he treated us kids the way he did later in life I cannot fathom why she would have stayed with him.

My earliest memory, of when things started to go horribly wrong was around eight years old. We moved into a new house, by this time my mom and Sam had already had two children together. The house we moved into was two levels, my sisters and I slept in the basement, while my mom, Sam, and their two young children slept upstairs. It was not until I got much older; I realized the true symbolism of this separation. The following years were filled with living in utter fear, I am not going to go into detail on this subject. The psychological pain is far too much to have to re-live.

My mom had many fights with Sam over the way he treated my older sisters and I. She started to notice this type of environment was unhealthy. She wanted to protect me, but was in a lose-lose situation so in In 5th grade I was sent to live with my Grandma. I lasted there for a year before my behaviors’ became too much for her to handle. I was then sent to live with my father and his abusive alcoholic wife for nine months before she got drunk and kicked me out. The whole time I was living there my father did nothing to protect me.

With nowhere else to go I was sent back to my moms. I did not know which was worse; dealing with the sadistic shit at my dad’s or the sadistic shit at my moms. I stayed with my mom for I think two years, before I was sent off to live with my sister, then back with dad, back with sister, back with mom, kicked out nowhere to go ended up with friend, then finally I found some stability when my best friend’s parents took me in. The three years I lived there, ended up being the most stable years of my childhood.

The things that my step-father did to me at such a young age, I would not wish on my worst enemy. The verbal abuse was intense, the physical threats were terrifying, and the emotional damage I carry to this day… devastating. Regardless of my deep seeded fear of this man, all I really wanted was his acceptance. I tried so hard to find a common bond, and hear from him just once how he was proud of me.

My father was in and out of my life, so for better or worse he was my father figure, and like any child I only wanted his love and affection. These are things I would never receive, instead I would be told consistently how big of a piece of shit I was, and how I would amount to nothing just like my father. His psychological abuse was so bad, that past 8pm I would fear leaving my room so much, that If I needed to use the bathroom I would piss in a bottle. I was 16 at the time. After the last time I was kicked out I did not have much contact with Sam, I would have panic attacks the times I went to go visit my mom and he would not say a word to me. I would have panic attacks anytime I would call her and he answered the phone.

When I was 19 my mom, Sam and my younger siblings moved to Northern Minnesota; from then on I saw very little of them. I would have brief chats with Sam if I called and he answered, or the few times I visited up there. A few years back my mother finally wised up and divorced him, after gambling away hundreds of thousands dollars and making her life hell she finally had enough. It has taken me years to totally forgive my mother, and to actually want to have a real relationship with her and his children. I didn’t realize my mother always had my best interests in mind, and she did everything to protect me.

The times I have gone up to visit my mom, I always think about stopping by to see him, or from time to time give him a call. I never followed through with it until today. I figured if I called him and said that I have a beautiful wife and three wonderful children, a house with nice things in it, and just had a book published, maybe I would finally hear him say he was proud of me. I may finally gain his approval, and in that put many demons to rest.

I should defiantly lower my expectations in life. When I called and told him it was me, his response was “ya so” I didn’t know how to respond to that, so I tried to do some small talk. He was a complete asshole to me, he said that he hates my generation; he said that if he would have called his mom after all that time of not talking to her she would have hung up on him. I apologized for calling, and said it won’t happen again. He said good and hung up. In that instant I was left feeling like the scared, rejected, pathetic child I am.