Archive for the ‘Fat’ Category

Like most people in America I am very self-conscious about my body and the way I look. I feel very uneasy in my own skin, which I think adds to my shy nature and lack of confidence. I have never really thought I was part of the “beautiful people” which over the years has really bothered me. I find this kind of strange since I am very anti-conformity. A sure sign of conformity is letting society dictate to you what is beautiful over what is ugly, and what is popular over unpopular. I am not sure why I have allowed mainstream media to say to me whether I am beautiful or not, but I have and still do. I trace the root of this complexity to my early experiences with television.  

We are bombarded everyday with television, magazines, movies, and commercials’ telling us what is sexy and what isn’t. When I was younger I was introduced by the media to something called “popularity” and the opposite side of the spectrum the term “geek.” I was not yet judgmental of anyone until I learned of the social divide within the subculture known as public schools. I knew from movies such as “Lucas,” “Pretty in Pink,” “Weird Science,” and “Can’t Buy Me Love” the last thing I ever wanted to be was a geek. The popular and beautiful people in these and other movies of that time showed me that my highest objective in my youth is to be on the proper side of the cool meter. (Apparently during the eighties if you had any sort of eye conditions you were doomed to being a dork, and most likely a part of the AV club.) I did not need glasses but for most of my childhood I was on the wrong side of the cool meter. The more I found myself in this crowed the more resentment grew towards myself. I think the years of being teased only furthered my desire to be “beautiful.”  I was never able to achieve this elusive label.

I wish I felt more comfortable in my body, but I don’t. In my lifetime I hope to see a world that puts very little emphasis on the outward appearance of people. I want to live in a world where your beauty is judged by who you are inside not what you look like on the outside. I know ultimately I am responsible for my own body and if I wish to change it then I need to quit whining and do something about it. I know this but it is so much easier to say then to actually do. The problem I have is I lack any self discipline when it comes to my eating habits. I do not eat breakfast or lunch during the week, so my only meal is dinner. This is never enough to fill me up and I end up snacking until late at night then lay my fat ass down and go to sleep. I work a desk job, so I am sitting down all day long and get very little exercise when I am at work. The last thing I want to do when I get home or on the weekends is spend hours at the gym, when it is so much easier sitting on the couch watching football. I know because of all this I have only myself to blame for my appearance and I am in a cycle of self-loathing, then acceptance then self-loathing again. My body is by no means as out of control as some others, but I definitely have a belly and love handles this is where I end up carrying all my excess weight. I have never thought I carried it well hence why I am so self-conscious about myself. I just once want to be noticed as an attractive man, instead of what I am.

Why do we place such a large emphases on beauty? The Tao teaches us to never judge, and says the only way we know beauty is because we have defined ugliness. Children are far crueler than adults. I know now I will not be teased for my appearance as I had in my youth. I feel confident in not being judged by others, but I still feel a sense of sadness knowing I will not be judged for my beauty. I know I won’t be judged for my non-beauty so I guess I will take what I can get. I have hit the point where my self-loathing of my appearance supersedes any positive feelings I have. I have reached the point where my worries over others judging me have turned inward where I am always judging myself. This inner judgment has been destructive on my overall self-esteem. I just want the day to come where I can purchase extra large clothing and not feel like a complete slob. Although I am between sizes I want to hang my head high when I purchase size 38 jeans. I want to see some commercials where my peeps are doing underwear commercials.

I think an aspect of the American Dream is to have a membership in the beautiful peoples club. I do not know many people who would willingly shun this exclusive membership. I am sure you wouldn’t find one single man or woman who would say “I really just wish I would get fatter to further distance my chances of ever getting laid.” I don’t need to worry about this though because my wife thinks I brought sexy back years ago and hasn’t left since.

When I was a young lad; I was rather scrawny. This lack of a manly body fueled an unhealthy insecurity around my peers. I did not think I was good enough because of my size. This caused me to feel subservient around other males. I do not think my peers noticed my submissive nature, because I built a persona of being a badass. This badass image caused me to get into fights to prove my masculinity. I fell victim to the media, and what they defined as beauty. I still fall victim to this media beauty except this time I am on the opposite side of the scale.     

I am no longer scrawny; I have bulked up and resemble a typical man. I do have one issue which is my stomach. I am by no means an obese man, but I am not one of the media beautiful people. There are some days I could care less what other people think of me, and then I have days where I do not want to leave the house. I am ashamed of what I look like, and wish I were different. I see the beautiful people I long to be, and I just want to punch them in the face.

The times I try to convince myself I am fine the way I am is when I think of Buddha. If the Buddha in all his wisdom says its ok to have a belly than who am I to argue. I figure if he can have a belly and be jolly then I can do the same. I just need to do one of two things; I either need to accept myself as I am, or work my ass off to achieve my goal. I have noticed no one wins at the “Biggest Loser” by not working out and eating pizza rolls at night. I just need some sort of launching pad to motivate myself to get going. I have had a hard time even starting the engine. I still suffer from low self-esteem, and part of that is centered on how I look. I no longer have the badass persona, so I can no longer hide behind a false Identity. The times I am at peace with who I am is the time when I carry my belly well. I have also found new clothes, and shoes do wonders for my self-image. 

I know I am the only person who can change the way I look, but that takes a ton of work. I am a smoker so any kind of cardio is out of the question. The thought of running just does not appeal to me. I love to lift weights, but does little to cure my belly problem. I could eat healthier, but this takes willpower, consistency, and structure which I lack. I act on impulse and if impulse says eat pizza rolls at ten o’clock at night well damn it I am eating pizza rolls. I have weird eating habits’. I do not eat breakfast, nor do I eat lunch. I wait until dinner time to eat then have a late bedtime snack. No matter how many times I have been told I do not change this habit. I contribute this to my strong urge to do the complete opposite of what people tell me.

I tell myself once I quit smoking then I will workout. I also tell myself once I start working out then I will quit smoking, for some reason neither of these two happen. I would like to take up boxing again or try my hand at Jiu-Jitsu. I think I will need to quit smoking before I try anything like that.