Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category

In my lifetime I have had many embarrassing moments, many of these moments are funny to me now, but were devastating to me at the time. I would like to share a few of these embarrassing moments to hopefully bring a smile to your face, at my expense of course! As a child and teenager I tried so hard to fit in and be popular. In this quest I have done some silly stuff in the name of popularity. Many of these moments took place when I was younger.

In the 90’s Guess jeans were really popular. My older sister, Traci, had a pair of these “cool” jeans, however I did not. When it came to name brand clothes we often went without. I went to school in Bloomington were popularity was based off what you had, or in my case what you did not have.  The night before school I was getting my clothes ready for the next day and I saw Traci’s “cool” jeans sitting on her floor. I secretly took them and put them in my room for the next day. I woke up the next morning and pulled on these “cool” guess jeans. Ya they were tight, but that was how Traci wore them so that was cool, right?!?!? I specifically tucked in my t-shirt so that you could see the Guess triangle on my butt!! I swaggered my ass to school thinking I was the shit. Not too long into my school day some random kid came up to me and said, why are you wearing girl jeans….boys have green triangles and girls had red. I was mortified. How the hell was I supposed to know that there was gender color Guess jeans. I un-tucked my t-shirt to hide the shame of a red triangle on my ass!!! Stupid name brand clothes.

I wanted to do my hair for school, it was a bit longer and it was always just boring. I saw other boys my age with gelled hair. My mom said she would help me style my hair in the morning for school. We woke up, got out the gel and hairspray, and went to town. She gelled the sides back, sculpted the top, it stood  up and then leaned to the side, then she sprayed the shit out of my hair with that aerosol cement hairspray. I trusted my mommy when she said I looked so good. Off to school I went with my fresh new hairstyle. Apparently the other kids did not agree with my mommy and they thought I looked like I had Elvis Presley hair. I bowed my head in shame and tried to make it thru the day ignoring the laughter. Thanks mom J

Boys will be boys, especially pre-pubescent boys who watch late night TV infomercials for FREE phone calls to beautiful women who will talk to them…… it said it was FREE!! So, when I could, I would sneak into my sister’s room cuddle up on her water bed, and call my new friends who had very nice and interesting messages for me.  IT WAS FREE the commercials said…. Until the day my mom opened the phone bill and there was a $3000.00 bill for overseas phone calls. The worst part is being a 12 year old boy having to tell your mom that you called phone sex lines…. Sorry mom!!

Vanilla Ice was very popular at this time; because of him it was radical to shave signs or letters into your head. So Traci being the 16 year old cool sister said she could shave my initials in the back of my head for me. I thought she was so awesome and could do anything, including shaving letters in the back of heads, silly me. So she proceeded to take the shaver out and shave “TL” in my head. I was pumped, now the popular kids who danced to Vanilla Ice would accept me. I got up looked in the mirror and she had shaved what looked like a house in my head!!! I told Traci it did not look like TL, she assured me from the back it was just fine, she told me it was cool. I foolishly believed her and proceeded to go to school like this. Note, never believe your older sister when she says she can make you look cool!!! Ya, you guessed it I was ridiculed in school, no Vanilla Ice kids danced with me that day.

Remember when Reebok pumps were really popular. All the popular boys had them, and I am pretty sure that is how they got all the popular girls. I begged my mom to get me some of these awesome pumps. She finally conceded and went to buy me some Pumps. Low and behold she found a deal, shoes that had a pump on them, but were not the actual Reebok pumps. Who would know the difference right! When she got home I was a bit disappointed but I agreed with my all knowing mom, who would know the difference. Once again I saunter to school thinking I am now the “shit”. Guess what, people knew the difference. Boys came up to me, squeezed my fake pump and said “Hey Tim are they pumping your feet up, are they , are they pumping up?” then they laughed…don’t worry I am working this out in therapy!!

I hit a point in my preteen years that I thought I was “gangster” , ya hard to believe, right!!  So I wore the baggy sagging jeans, the big sweatshirts, and the Starter brand jackets. And yes, I walked with a gangsta’ limp!! But the best part was my white slip on ked tennis shoes that I proceeded to draw gang signs on. This was the year my wife and I met and became friends.  She would come over to my place, point, laugh, and ridicule me for the gangster signs on my shoes. I really thought it was cool, but I also thought baggy pants and Starter jackets were cool, so my cool-dar was not spot on!!

These are but some of my embarrassing moments as a child, believe me there are many more. In my quest to be cool in the end I always seemed to look like a fool.

In between projects, when feel uncreative I work on my upcoming book “The Life and Mind of No One Special.” This requires me to go back and edit my old posts and transfer them over into book form. In going back and reading these old posts I am stunned by how shitty they were written. I am almost ashamed I published these posts as they were, and I am even more surprised people have come back again to read it.

I started this blog back in January as a way to help keep my creativity juices flowing. I never really thought anyone would read it, so I just vomited all over the computer keys with my poorly thought posts. I have and still do write my posts during my lunch break; not a ton of thought goes into what I am going to write about. Something will come to my mind and I just go with it. I do not research my topic, nor do I go back and edit what I have written. Like I said earlier I never thought anyone would even see it.

I still follow this guideline; except now through practice I have learned a few things about writing. I still do not feel my writing is good especially when I read some of these talented writers out here. I have no formal writing training; I was not really around for school so basic sentence structure escapes me. My vocabulary is weak and I have no concept of grammar. This becomes apparent to me when I read posts by “The Rambling Taoist.” His ability to write is just mesmerizing. I like to think with another nine months of writing I will continue to get better. I know I have a long way to go, but I think it is a good sign I am able to see fault in my early posts.

I have thought about taking writing classes at my local community college; but this would simply not work. I do not have the time or the money to commit to such a thing. I know starting from square one and building on the basics would help me. I could always go enroll in my son’s elementary school, since public schools are free. I could just skip all my other classes. I don’t know what kind of role model I would be for my classmates and besides the principle would probably report me to the school cop for being truant. I could go purchase a writing or grammar book for dummies. The problem is when I try to read all the words become jumbled and it is hard for me to comprehend the material.

I just can’t figure out how to get better without knowing the basics. I think this is why I enjoy writing poetry because I can write anyway I want. I have had people praise and condemn me because I do not follow traditional poetry guidelines. The only poetry form I know is haikus. Beyond that I have nothing. I don’t think there should be guidelines or structure when it comes to poetry. I think poetry should be an open art form, and can be written exactly how the author intended it to be. I have found when painted in a box I cannot write for shit. This is why I enjoy this blog so much because there is no structure. This is a jumbled mess of random thoughts spewing from my brain. These two mediums define me as a person.

Statistics show people who say “at least I have my health,” are nine times more likely to get cancer.

If I could learn how to play any guitar; it would be one with strings.

A high five a day keeps the blues away.

Sometimes I turn left just because the sign tells me not to.

The longest point between A to B is a conversation with children and the elderly.

Those who say the grass isn’t greener on the other side have never been there.

I wonder if it would motivate me to lose weight if instead of “XL” my shirt size said “Your Fat.”

Sometimes I think if I didn’t have a job I would be unemployed.

I don’t think Jerry Maguire would have gotten away with stealing those fish.

If the last shall be first and the first shall be last where does that leave the middle class?

Just once I would like to experience the “slow clap” like in the movie “Rudy,” and “Lucas.”

What’s the difference between pooping at home and pooping at work? At home I am filled with pride; at work I am overcome with shame.

10. “I was granted a weekend pass from the workhouse.”

9. “Be quite you’ll wake my mom and dad”
8. “Could I borrow $20.00 for a lap dance?”
7. “Don’t worry it cleared up a month ago”
6. “My last girlfriend wasn’t very good at cooking meth”
5. “I would have taken you to a nicer place, but after seeing you I clearly couldn’t afford it”
4. “My boss told me if I work really hard, in a year I’ll be promoted to the drive thru window!”
3. “I lied to my Doctor, now I am able to go to the methadone clinc, so I got that going for me”
2. “You remind me of my mother; God she was such a bitch!”
1. “You’re so beautiful; I really can’t wait to choke the shit out of you”

A while ago I wrote a post about my current projects. Since then a few things have been finished and a few of my projects have been altered, because I am a shameful promoter I would like to give an update on my progress. Things have been progressing nicely although there are some tedious things causing me to dread the process. Feedback is always needed.

Dylan Thomas: This is a children’s book series written in poetry form. The goal is to create stories which appeal to ages 2-10. I want the rhyming and lush drawings to not only draw the kids in, but also make the stories enjoyable for the parents as well. I have completed the first story “Dylan Thomas: Finds His Courage.” Currently it is in the illustration phase and will be released the end of September. I hope to have the next installment “Dylan Thomas: Bedtime Songs” I hope to have this available for sale by February 2011 or sooner.

This series is probably the only way I will make any money from my writing, and hopefully this series will help me land a literary agent. The stories will follow the same flow as far as the rhyming poetry, but the illustrations will change. I think this is exciting because it will keep things fresh. The illustrator Jeff Chia has one more page to complete, and my sister Cailee is doing the editing. I hope to have everything but together by September 1st. This will allow me a month to ensure everything looks good on the actual book. I am a quarter done with the next installment.

Yin; A poetry chapbook chronicling my dark side. I have already finished this book, and should be released before November 2010.

This is completed with all poems in my journal. I just need to type and edit. I hope to have this out by November. I will either sell “Yin” and “Yang” separately or combine them into one book. If I were to combine them into one I would set it up where “Yin” is on one side and “Yang” on the other. I am planning on setting them up as pocket books.

Yang; A poetry chapbook chronicling my light side. I have already finished this book, and should be released before November 2010

Politico; Working Title This poetry chapbook focuses on my political and theological perspectives. This book is also finished with an expected release date before November 2010.

This book will contain my political, philosophical, and theological points of view. There is a website called Politico, so I am unsure if the name is copyrighted or not. If it is I will have to get their blessings to use their names. There were plenty political poems in “My Descent into Madness,” and seemed to be well received.

The Mind of a Madman: (working title) this is a novel written in poetry form describing the inner workings of a psychopath in the making, and his journey into madness, starting from the time of conception up until… the rest will be a surprise. This has been a difficult book to work on, the places these poems take me is very dark. If I spend too much time there I may become a product of my words.

I have been all over the place in writing this one. I am jumping around to different phases of the main characters’ life. I am planning on telling this story strictly in poetry form or if I should add some narrative to it. This is taking longer than I expected, because I can only stay a short time in this mans mind.

The Philosophy of Me: The life and mind of no one special: This will be a book based off 365 days of my blogging entries. This will appeal to my fans wanting all my entries in print, and introduce the site to new readers. I will also use this as part of my portfolio.

I received an e-mail from a reader saying she would purchase this even though it is just an edited version of my blog. I suppose if one person would enjoy it than others may as well.

My Journey Through Taoism; This will include every verse from the Tao Te Ching along with my quest into understanding and living the Tao. Many books are written by experts. I hope to relate to readers who are new to Taoism by explaining my journey seeking understanding. At the end of each chapter I will be including a poem based off the verse. I do not want to rush this; so I am unaware of a release date 

This will be written in real time chronicling my quest into understanding Taoism. This book is the reason I stopped adding verses in my blog. I don’t want too many books to cross pollinate. I am enjoying this project because I can spend a few weeks working on each verse which will really bring me closer to the Way. In writing this in the perspective of someone seeking the Way it may help others understand it better and assist them on their journey. 

The Humor In Theology; I was originally going to write a descriptive timeline and the evolution of religion. I realized this book would only appeal to a certain audience. I was becoming overwhelmed with the mighty scope of this project. I decided to stick with the theology aspect but instead write it in a humorous way. I think this will be informative as well as funny.

I changed this from a serious educational book into a comedy. I will look into religions of the past and current beliefs and point out the goofiness of what people believe. There is a religion in Africa which believed their God vomited up the entire universe. This is just one of the silly beliefs people hold onto. It is amazing how people completely abandon logic in the name of faith.

The Philosophy of Quotes: Everyone loves quotes, and it seems each person may walk away with different perspectives on the meaning of these quotes. This book explains my philosophical view on the meaning of quotes. I hope to turn this into multiple volumes; each volume will be broken down by letters of the alphabet. I am excited to take a deeper look at my favorite quotes. 

I thought I would enjoy this one, but I have been running into a little bit of frustrations. My mind will not shift into this mode, which is holding this bad boy up.

Deceived: (working title.) This book examines how the Christian religion has allowed itself to be destroyed by the word of man. I have read the Bible a number of times; once because of faith, once as a theologian, and once as a skeptic. You would be amazed how much the bible has been changed to not only create copyrights, but to change the original meaning of the “Word of God” to fit mans needs. This book will be written entirely on a non-biased theological way looking strictly at the Word.

If I want to properly do this one I will need to focus 100% of my attention on it. I will need to simultaneously read three to four separate versions of the Bible. I started this awhile back and read the first couple chapters of Genesis, and it made my head hurt. I really think this project has potential, but with the amount of time I have to work on my writing it would take a year or two and I am not sure if I want to make that type of commitment on something which may not reap what I sowed.

On a side note I have thought of releasing my poetry books with commentary as far as what I was feeling and the meaning. I tend to write in abstract ways and I have had people tell me they get lost in finding the true meaning. I just wonder if this is sacrilegious with poetry because poetry is meant to be subjective to the reader. I am worried my poems may lose some of its luster if I add commentary. On the flip side some of my dedicated readers may care enough to know the story behind the poem.

What are your thoughts? Do you think I may be wasting my time with some of these books? I am starting my quest today to find an agent and I wonder if they want to see complete projects or is a concept enough to wet their whistle.

Sometimes when you are fighting with a friend, family member, significant other, or a just a bad run in with your boss; you may feel compelled to make a comment under your breath regarding what has just transpired. This comment is most frequently used while walking away from the other party, or perhaps if you have no exit plan you may look down and mumble something. The latter is a much more risky approach, and is almost guaranteed to prolong the fight or possibly lose your job. We do this little tactic because we all want to have the last word in an argument. I think this is either learned or hardwired in us. The last one standing is victor, or the final word rules supreme.

It is hard to be in a fight and feel satisfied with the time you have just committed to this madness; just to let the other person get the final say. This will simply not do, if you allow such shenanigans surly the order of the universe will collapse upon itself. We need to ensure we get the final say in the argument; our weapon is making some sort of statement or comment under our breath. The goal is to say it just loud enough, so you can hear it, but not loud enough for your opponent to hear. If you misjudge your volume you may have just made the situation worse; usually the things we say under our breath we would never say to their face. In the example of your job, I would avoid this all together because you will lose your job if your boss hears you say “yea, well I just donkey punched your mom.” You will lose your job, so do yourself a favor and put pride aside on this one.

There are tactics being used today where someone will make an under the breath comment, but purposely say it loud enough for the other person to hear; then vanish like a ninja. This is a dirty trick and should be illegal during arguments. This is not the worst form of mental jiu-jitsu; sometimes the real demented perpetrators will stick around long enough to hear you say “what did you just say?” This is a rhetorical question because you know what they said you just need to hear it again. The comment to follow is “nothing.” Now you know perfectly well it was not nothing, and they know it to. They will stick with their stance of having said nothing, until you begin to question whether you heard them correctly. It is at this point you have just been mind raped and left out in the cold.

I was watching “The Invention of Lying,” over the weekend. I thought to myself how intelligent of a movie this was. This touched on several interesting aspects of our society; most importantly the concept of religion. The movie takes place in a world without lying; everyone openly speaks the truth without barriers of any kind. The main character was a loser to his peers; until he was given the ability to lie, or “say things that aren’t.” The concepts which interested me the most is how lying affects our daily lives in many different ways; most notably our personal, work, and spiritual lives. I would like to touch on these topics and how they differ from this make-believe world compared to our society.

Personal: The characters of this film held nothing back when dealing with their fellow-man. If they thought something it came out of their mouths. In the beginning of the film the main character and lead actress met for a blind date. She was upfront about not being interested because he was short and chubby, and would not make a favorable genetic match. It was interesting how the main character responded to these insults; he showed no anger from being put down. This lack of anger seemed to be a cultural norm. I would imagine the absence of anger is a result of being born and raised with people consistently being honest. The people would be used to hearing how it really is, and would not be shocked if they heard a negative truth. Besides the lack of anger there are many different aspects of how our personal lives would be; one example would be infidelity. The people would not cheat, because they would have no option to lie about their infidelity. This would result in zero cheating. The divorce rate would drop dramatically, because you would always have honest open communication with your mate.

When he invented lying he was able to walk out of the bank with more money then what he had in his account. He was able to convince a woman who was out of his league to agree to sleep with him. He told her the world would end if they did not have sex. Throughout the movie you could see how he made people feel better about themselves by lying to them. He convinced his neighbor to not kill himself, by filling him with self-confidence. The examples are many in this film.

Work: The main character worked as a script writer for a movie company. The movies they had in this world were made based off historical facts. These movies were just narrated by someone. They did not have the concept of actors, because the actors would not be able to act. The writers at this studio could not create something based off their imagination; the concept of an imagination did not exist. In the film he was fired because the century he was assigned to was just to boring. When he discovered the ability to lie he created this completely out there script filled with lie after lie, everyone believed what he said. His ability to lie brought him unthinkable amounts of wealth.

Spirituality: The most interesting concept of this movie was the lack of any kind of religion; to me this means if no one was ever able to lie then it means it takes lying to create religion. The people believed once you died your life was over, this caused the people to greatly fear this aspect of the life cycle. The main characters mother was on her death-bed, and he was by her side comforting her. She was expressing how she was afraid to go into the unknown. He did what any good son would do; he lied. He told her a story about the man in the sky, and how when you pass away you are taken to him and live happily for eternity. This calmed and soothed his mother, so she was able to die in peace. There was a nurse who overheard what he was saying, and the story of the man in the sky spread like wildfire.

The people gathered outside his mansion demanding he relay the messages the man in the sky was saying to him. He was not prepared for this and had to quickly come up with things he was telling him. The funny part was he wrote these things on pizza boxes which looked just like the tablets Moses brought down from mountain. He went out to address the people; he described the man in the sky similar to what Christianity was. The people were relieved to know there was an afterlife. They became angry when they found out everything ever done was the doing of the man in the sky. At one point the people shouted “fuck the man in the sky,” because they found out all the bad things that happened to them were a result of the man in the sky. They became relieved when they found out all the good things which happened to them were also a result of the man in the sky. It was interesting to see how society began to change as this religious concept swept through the people.

“Religion is the impotence of the human mind to deal with occurrences it cannot understand.”
Karl Marx

“Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people.”

Karl Marx

This is a clever movie; I recommend everyone see it. When you are watching the movie make sure you are studying the movie to catch everything beyond the comedy surface. I would like to hear what other things people noticed, or comment on what I brought up. The question I propose to you is this. Was the society better off without religion? Is a society of no lying better than a society with lying?

In 1988 Pepsi released it’s version of cherry soda calling it “Wild Cherry Pepsi.” I have tried this version, and I have always wondered why they called it “Wild Cherry.” I finally couldn’t take it anymore; I had to find out. Coke and Pepsi have always vied for the same share of the consumers; from what I have found out 85% of the time Coke would come out with a new flavor first. It is only after Coke showed sales would Pepsi come out with its own variation; however this is not the same case over the last decade. Why “Wild?”

It was introduced to a test audience at the 1982 World’s Fair as Cherry Coke, and entered mainstream production in 1985. It took 3 years of positive sales before Pepsi released its version. Does Pepsi think the consumer will make a decision when purchasing cherry soda; based off the claim their product is “wild?” This type of marketing is used by all competing companies from softer toilet paper to absorbent paper towels’.

I don’t think it would matter what Pepsi called their cherry soda since, their sales are based on brand loyalty. I would imagine some people jumped ship based off Pepsi’s claim of their drink being wild. There must be something wild about “Wild Cherry Pepsi,” because it is illegal in every country except America and Lithuania. This product is sold in the black market in countries across the world.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it Coca-Cola!

 I was walking to my office, and I was thinking about my disdain for conformity,  in every aspect of the word. I admit I succumb to minor conformity at work, but I do everything in my power to go against the grain of the institutions polices. I have tatted up my body to the point corporate america will reject me just as I have rejected it. Deep into this thought I wondered; if I refuse to conform, which results in non-conformity; am I in essence conforming to non-conformity?

I was searching for some new music a few months ago, when I came across a band called “Armored Saint.”  I saw they had just released an album called “La Raza.” I figured this was a newer band, since I had never heard of them. Feeling impulsive I downloaded their discography, and never gave it another thought until today.

When it first came on I thought it was “Iron Maiden.” I started waiting to hear “Run to the Hills,” but it just wouldn’t come on. I realized none of these songs sounded familiar. Looked at my Ipod I see it was “Raising Fear” by Armoured Saint, remembering “La Raza” I figured this album was relatively new. I feared this was the retro return of 80’s metal bands, right down to the album art style. I checked it out and saw this album was made in 1987, and felt better.

Enjoying some cold bottled water, I noticed the nutritional facts on the side of the bottle. It has various facts, such as calories, sugars, and vitamines, of course they are all zeros. Figuring everyone knows aside from water being good for us it holds no nutritional values. I did not see the point, in my curiosity I looked closer trying to identify the point. Unable to find it, I was about to go on with my day when I noticed the bottle said two servings per bottle. Does anyone else see the madness here?

I received my first negative criticism on my writing yesterday. My WordPress posts go directly to my Facebook page. I really disappointed this guy, and I felt really bad about it. I don’t think he realized I was the author. In his comment he was upset because I used the “tree of knowledge” in the context of eating this fruit should have given man infinite knowledge. He pointed out it was the “tree of knowledge of good and evil.” He gave his points, but was speaking as if I read the piece, then posted the link on my Facebook.

I knew criticism of my writing would come someday, I was just not looking forward to it. I went into defend mode, and tried to point out I do these posts on my lunch break. I can’t sit at work all day to research a post, I need a thought to pop in my head, log-on, and quickly type the piece. I do not edit the post. I  free write and leave myself to the mercy of my memory. I have to write on my hand what day of the week it is, because I can’t remember. I will look at my hand, and twenty minutes later I think it is a different day.

Can’t please everyone.

Here is a joke I thought of the other day.

What is the difference between a Muslim extremists and a Christian extremists? 

One is in the desert, the other in politics.

 

The Easter Bunny Visited Me Last Night

Do you ever wake up

And your butt feels a little funny?

That’s how you know

You’ve been visited by the Easter Bunny

By: Tim Lundmark

Bad Touch Bunny

The Easter Bunny is not so funny

When the Easter Bunny touches you inappropriately

Bellow your tummy

By: Tim Lundmark

The Bunny, The Crack Pusher

The Easter Bunny brings me candy

This year little crack rocks

They make me feel dandy

When I go back to get some more

He looks at me funny

When I say I have no money

He said if you want more

Sweet little  boy, you’ll make a damn good whore

By: Tim Lundmark