Archive for the ‘Growing up in abusive homes’ Category

Better Without

I try so hard

Not to become my fathers son

I try so hard

To be a father sculpted by Michelangelo

Painted by da Vinci

Faced with failure

Endless denial

Self deception  

To deny the truth

I am a father designed by an earless madman

I question are they better without

 

Trapped in a Divine Comedy

Inferno is Alpha and Omega

I wish there was a cure

Sadness filled with madness

Meds cannot take away

A brain still in pain

How do you apologize

  When the illness lets them down

The more I write

The clearer it becomes

They may be better without

 

They love the mania

Hate the downs

Flick the switch

From mania to a ditch

Turning from this to that

They never know which dad I’ll be

Denying them the comfort of stability

Please don’t let them be better without

 

What am I then?

A cancer to my family

They know I am sick

They know daddy isn’t the same

Wishing he was someone else

Transparent they see what’s inside

They hate my illness

Hating myself

That shame and stain forever remains

They now question are they better without

Face-to-face with this question

Like a coward I hide

In denial

My blanket of lies

I am their painting of a father

A father my son doesn’t want to become

The question has been answered

They are better without

By: Tim Lundmark

This is a serious and troubling question I have been asking myself for 15 years; which yields a bi-polar answer. Regardless of the feedback and criticism I have heard over and over again during these same 15 years; I always tried to counter act the negatives with positive self talk. As a parent I have made countless mistakes and bad decisions, which only reinforced the criticism I was hearing. Through the years I have had to face some ugly truths about myself, and come to terms with the fact; I can no longer deny the validity of said criticisms. Like most people in the world I blamed others, and made justifications for my actions. Here is where things get complicated; I have never been 100% sure if everything I just said is reality, my wife’s subjective reality, or both. Up until recently I never really knew what to believe.

With everything that has been going on, the way I have fallen apart and the undeniable truths I have been shown I can no longer deny the question of if my children are better off without me in their lives. I have touched on this in a prior post, honestly I can’t handle going into detail on how all of these truths have come together. I have cried so much at work recently I can’t try to truly feel through and process the shame and guilt I feel right now.

In anticipation for the comments I will receive about how important it is for children to have their father’s in their lives; my only reply is they have never experienced living with a father you tried to pray to God would go away. I know this from my ultimate fear of becoming my father’s son, having this fear is proof I would have been better off without. Because of this situation I am fucking them up because I have fallen apart, I am fucking them up because I am leaving, and my wife believes because of my MI, and that I will be on my own the damage I will cause them in the future will be far worse than anything I have done to date. With everything I have done, why would I continue to cause damage to their lives?

I know how badly I have fallen apart at home, and in all honesty I feel things will get far worse before they get better once I leave. I can’t find any logical reason, to put my children through the coming storm.

What We Learn From Failed Relationships

Posted: May 27, 2014 in Absolute Truth, Abuse, Anxiety, Arguments, Blog, Blogging, Change, Childhood, Children, Coping, Crisis, Culture, Dating, Debates, Depression, Diary, Dilemma, Divorce, Dreams, Emotional Abuse, Ethics, Evil, Faith, Family, Fatherhood, Fear, Forgiveness, Freedom, Fun, Greed, Grief, Growing up in abusive homes, Health, Humor, Inside My Mind, Journal, Kids, Learning, Lies and broken promises, Life, Lists, Living Your Dream, Logic, Love, Lust, Marriage, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Misc, miscellaneous, Moral Theories, Morals, Motivation, Mourning, NA, Opinion, Pain, Parent, Parenting, Personal, Philosophy, Poems, Poetry, Published Author, Quotes, Random, Random Thoughts, Rants, Rejection, Relationship Issues, Relationships, Sadness, Self-esteem, Self-Help, Self-image, Social Anxiety, Social Debates, Society, Sorrow, Spirituality, Stress, Suffering, The Invention of Lying, The Philosophy of Lyrics, The Philosophy of Quotes, Things That Give Me Anxiety, Thoughts, Top Ten Lists, Uncategorized, Unity, Verbal Abuse, Writing
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I would first like to start off by thanking all of my readers and subscribers. I learned today; I have readers from 61 different countries. I think that’s pretty bad ass. I am aware that my readership grew from the topics of philosophy, theology, and madness. So bear with me as I stray a bit from those topics. Today I would like to release that which has been permeating in my mind. I would like ponder for a moment the importance of learning from our mistakes in a failed relationship. Through all of this I am trying to maintain a positive attitude and outlook. So here we go.

The one thing I can say with out a doubt is I am far from sainthood. I have made my more than my fair share of mistakes, and bad decisions which played a role in the overall destruction of my marriage. I am ashamed and consumed with intense guilt because of this. This combined with my wife’s lies, and infidelity has allowed me to see the light. I am sure I could write a 200 page paper on this topic, but I will try to keep this short and sweet.

There are 10 main things I have learned in my failed marriage. Now mind you there are far more than 10, but as I said this is not a 200 page dissertation on my failed marriage. I will do my best to not place blame, because it doesn’t do anyone any good. Some things on this list will undoubtedly overlap, even though this is the case I feel each one deserves to be mentioned. Without further ado here is my list of 10 things I learned from my failed marriage.

  1. Never Lie: I did a lot of research after I found out about what my wife did. I learned that in humans our first response when we know we have done something wrong, that will ultimately lead to a negative outcome our immediate response is to lie. We do this for two reasons one we want to avoid conflict, and two we don’t want to get in trouble. Since I am a proponent of the tabula rasa theory (mind being born as a blank slate.) I feel this is a trait we learn as children, which carries over into adulthood. Lying to your partner no matter how small is a terrible idea. We can overcome this childish trait, by knowing our partner as well as ourselves, focus on understanding and know that mistakes are actually learning opportunities.
  2. Never Cheat: I think this one doesn’t need further explanation. It’s a painful and shitty thing to do to those we love. Even if (insert some attractive famous person) wanted to be with you, nothing is worth hurting the one you love.
  3. Trust: it should go without saying that if the two things listed above are followed then trust shouldn’t be an issue. Unfortunately we all carry the baggage of past hurt, what we need to realize is who ever we are with now is not the person who caused us hurt in the past. I would imagine it would be a good idea to be open and honest about these past hurts. A relationship that is not built on trust is like trying to build a house of cards on a windy day, neither of these two examples will be successful. The perfect advice one can give in fostering trust in a relationship is this; if you would not say or do something if your partner was there with you, then you definitely shouldn’t do it.
  4. Accept and Love Each Other For All Their Good Qualities, As Well As Their Flaws: let’s admit it people, no one is perfect, and those who claim to be are probably the most screwed up of them all. Initially I am sure that we all fall in love with our mates good qualities. During the “courting” or “honeymoon” phase of a relationship, it is kind of like interviewing for a job, you really are not being completely honest your just trying to get the “job.” As the relationship progresses and begins to become serious is usually when we start to notice each others flaws. The important thing is that we learn to love that person regardless of their flaws. In fact I believe our flaws can become the most exciting part of a relationship. When you love the good qualities along with the flaws you know you have found true love; when everything seems to fit like a glove.
  5. Never Put Your Partner Down and Break Their Will: this topic has a lot to do with item number four. There are just two things I would like to add. The first is from an article by John Gottman, PhD in an article titled “4 Signs of A Troubled Marriage” Here is the link.http://affiliatedpsychologicalservices.com/4-signs-of-a-troubled-marriage/ Gottman talks about “The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse” which are clear signs you are headed for a divorce. The first two he brings up is “Criticism” and “Contempt.” If anyone out there grew up in an abusive home where as a child you were faced with these two horsemen, having to deal with such things in a marriage is a key ingredient in a divorce. If you tell someone something negative about them enough times, with the right amount of nastiness it is only natural the other party will believe what they are being told, and inevitable this is who they will see when they look into the mirror. I don’t think people are aware of how serious the long term damage can be. My second point comes from a line from the song “Weight of The World” by Blue October. “Don’t bother changing things that won’t give into changing.” It is one thing to help your partner grow and become the best person they can be, but in the process don’t try to change who they are inside. If you are hell bent on trying to force someone to change, there is always medication. If this is your goal please take to heart one of my quotes “Medication is to fix the people we don’t like.” If you feel you need to medicate your partner, it’s time to call it quits.
  6. Freedom: As your relationship grows, it is imperative that you do not take away your partners freedom. When I say freedom I am not referring to allowing your partner to go out all the time neglecting the relationship, and engaging in behaviors which fall into the first three categories I listed. When I say freedom, I say that it is clearly healthy to share and be with each other, but it is also healthy to have a respectful life outside of the relationship. I have made this deadly mistake in one of my relationships, and I have now been on the receiving end of how damaging smothering and isolating your partner can be. If your relationship is built on a strong foundation of trust and respect this should be something you encourage each other to do. I have always admired the relationship between my best friend of 26 years and his lovely wife. I will not mention names, but I truly hope one day I can figure out whatever their secret is, and apply it to my future relationships. I am going to encourage them to write a book.
  7. Support Their Dreams: There is nothing more precious and sacred than some ones hopes and dreams. For some our dreams appear to us when we are young, others do not fully realize their dreams until they discover who they are. When I was young I had the normal boyhood dreams to become a professional football or baseball player, unfortunately like normal boys those dreams were not meant to be. Beyond those two options, I really didn’t have anything else that drove or inspired me, until the 5th grade. Long story short I ended up doing many writing assignments and I remember my teacher signing my year book, saying she could one day see something I have written being published. I was not a very well behaved child, so positive reinforcement from the teachers I tormented was rare, but from that moment my dream changed. I wanted to become a professional writer. As I grew older I held onto this dream, and wrote in private. I never thought anything I would write would be read let alone published. Again long story short one of my poetry books was published, I started this blog, wrote two children’s books, and two other poetry books. Needless to say this was the greatest I had ever felt about myself, because I accomplished something I never thought I could… my dream. I did not receive support from my partner, and in fact was highly put down and discouraged from continuing to write, until finally I had no option but to stop writing. The details behind this are not important at this moment.
  8. Open & Honest Communication: You would think this is a no brainier, but for my marriage and I would imagine many others this proved to be too challenging to overcome and sowed the seeds to our divorce. I feel if you have all seven of these things listed above then number eight would be a given, but if you take out one or two of the above it makes communication a challenge. I avoided and ran away from open and honest communication. I could make a laundry list for why, but this is already becoming too long of a post. Mainly I was afraid to honestly look in the mirror, I was scared I was going to receive an unhealthy dose of items four and five. Regardless of those reasons it is on me for failing in this aspect of our marriage. I need to take ownership for this, and like everything listed learn to not make the same mistakes. It is very difficult and challenging for me to be social, and communicate even with those closest to me. I know this is something I need to work on, but what always ends up playing over and over in my mind is the Pink Floyd lyrics from the song “The Final Cut” which I will add at the end.
  9. Be A Selfless Lover: This is actually one area where I have and feel the most accomplished. I felt I needed to add this, because in my experience men in general put their intimacy needs, or the final “outcome” before their partners. I will not go into detail in case my mom is reading this, but as men our primary focus and goal when it comes to being intimate is placing our partners needs before ourselves. Any man can do his business and be on his way, but this is a man who has failed. When it comes to intimacy your only goal and desire should be the feelings and ultimate “outcome” of your partners needs. Everything else should be secondary.
  10. Find Your Genuine Light: Tomorrow I am going to post a quick poem describing the meaning behind this comment. I do not believe in soul mates. I do not believe there is only one true love for everyone. I believe for everyone, there exists many individuals who could be considered your genuine light. I believe they are rare, but they are out there. My advice is if you feel you are holding your genuine light, don’t let them slip away because you cannot be certain another one will come around to light up your life.

 

“And if I show you my dark side
Will you still hold me tonight?
And if I open my heart to you
And show you my weak side
What would you do?
Would you sell your story to Rolling Stone?
Would you take the children away
And leave me alone?
And smile in reassurance
As you whisper down the phone?
Would you send me packing?
Or would you take me home?”

Pink Floyd

These lyrics describe perfectly why it is so difficult for me to open up to people, which hinders my ability to effectively communicate.

My intended focus this week was to break down, analyze, and apply my methodology to three single events with the intended outcome of making the correct choice. Do I stay or do I go? I have repeatedly replayed the same haunting moment of seeing my son still and quiet on his bike as he watched me get in the car to go to work. In that moment I could see in his eyes the internal conflict between acceptance and denial that his dad is slipping away. I could see and understand all too well the sadness he was trying so bravely to hide.

It is difficult for me to release my sadness and sorrow through the shedding of tears. The only time the outside world can see what I try so hard to hide, is when I cannot hold back my tears. At that moment, just as in this moment writing about it I cannot stop the tears. Many people say that crying is supposed to be this wonderful release of pent up emotions. It’s not like that for me. Tears feel like razor blades running down my face, slicing through self-denial and exposing my weakness and vulnerability. Regardless of how many times I have been told I am selfish and only think of myself, at the end of the day my meaning in life, and my purpose is to not break his heart. I am well aware I will never win the father of the year award. To be honest with you I don’t even know if I’m a good father. Despite what I am told I know I have always tried to be the best dad I could be.

After the series of events that took place yesterday, or would it be considered today? I haven’t slept for days so time holds no logical meaning. After said events the only answer to my opening question; is to go. There are only so many pieces someone can be broken into before they are unable to be put back together. I now need to come to terms with the sobering reality that I will become in my own eyes everything I ever swore I wouldn’t. I will become my fathers son. I am desperately seeking, yet fear I will be unable to live with the guilt, or forgive myself.

Children are not stone, nor are they steel. They are dirt and clay, molded by the hands of experience. There is no way to reconcile the loss of my son’s happiness and hope due to the harsh reality of my life, which I have viciously infected upon my family. Despite my frequent mental transformations I made the decision to get married and have children; in that single moment I destroyed their lives. I suppose I was caught up in the perceived human need for significance, by my own sense of insecurity. Here is where I cannot deny my selfishness. Broken dolls are meant to walk alone.

In moments like this I want to hide within the minds of Soren Kierkegaard and Albert Camus covering myself in the blanket of Absurdism. Believing all struggles for life is for nothing. There is only birth and death, and everything in between is our feeble attempt to find meaning and purpose. This concept is wonderful, but in the back of my mind I’m burdened with this question. What if birth and death were only two points, that they were inconsequential compared to what happens between them?

Last night I was looking at pictures of my younger sister’s newborn baby on Facebook. As I went from one picture to the next I was feeling a sense of joy, from seeing her first-born child. My emotions turned upside down when a picture of her father holding Lily popped up. Seeing a picture of the man who tormented me for so many years was a bit shocking, many emotions welled up inside me ranging from hate to sympathy. I laid on the couch, and an urge came to text my sister, and ask for my estranged step-fathers number. Shortly thereafter I received his number, and programmed it into my phone. It was too late to call him, so I decided to what until tomorrow to make the call. I woke up this morning, and felt trepidation mixed with excitement to make the call. I waited and waited filled with nerves I haven’t felt in many years. I finally built up the courage to call around 4:30pm. I think a little background information is in order, before I continue this story.

My mother and father divorced when I was very young, maybe two or three I really don’t remember. Shortly after the divorce my mother met Sam; I was young when they first got together so I really do not recall their early relationship, or what it was like living with him. I am sure he was nice and charming, for if he treated us kids the way he did later in life I cannot fathom why she would have stayed with him.

My earliest memory, of when things started to go horribly wrong was around eight years old. We moved into a new house, by this time my mom and Sam had already had two children together. The house we moved into was two levels, my sisters and I slept in the basement, while my mom, Sam, and their two young children slept upstairs. It was not until I got much older; I realized the true symbolism of this separation. The following years were filled with living in utter fear, I am not going to go into detail on this subject. The psychological pain is far too much to have to re-live.

My mom had many fights with Sam over the way he treated my older sisters and I. She started to notice this type of environment was unhealthy. She wanted to protect me, but was in a lose-lose situation so in In 5th grade I was sent to live with my Grandma. I lasted there for a year before my behaviors’ became too much for her to handle. I was then sent to live with my father and his abusive alcoholic wife for nine months before she got drunk and kicked me out. The whole time I was living there my father did nothing to protect me.

With nowhere else to go I was sent back to my moms. I did not know which was worse; dealing with the sadistic shit at my dad’s or the sadistic shit at my moms. I stayed with my mom for I think two years, before I was sent off to live with my sister, then back with dad, back with sister, back with mom, kicked out nowhere to go ended up with friend, then finally I found some stability when my best friend’s parents took me in. The three years I lived there, ended up being the most stable years of my childhood.

The things that my step-father did to me at such a young age, I would not wish on my worst enemy. The verbal abuse was intense, the physical threats were terrifying, and the emotional damage I carry to this day… devastating. Regardless of my deep seeded fear of this man, all I really wanted was his acceptance. I tried so hard to find a common bond, and hear from him just once how he was proud of me.

My father was in and out of my life, so for better or worse he was my father figure, and like any child I only wanted his love and affection. These are things I would never receive, instead I would be told consistently how big of a piece of shit I was, and how I would amount to nothing just like my father. His psychological abuse was so bad, that past 8pm I would fear leaving my room so much, that If I needed to use the bathroom I would piss in a bottle. I was 16 at the time. After the last time I was kicked out I did not have much contact with Sam, I would have panic attacks the times I went to go visit my mom and he would not say a word to me. I would have panic attacks anytime I would call her and he answered the phone.

When I was 19 my mom, Sam and my younger siblings moved to Northern Minnesota; from then on I saw very little of them. I would have brief chats with Sam if I called and he answered, or the few times I visited up there. A few years back my mother finally wised up and divorced him, after gambling away hundreds of thousands dollars and making her life hell she finally had enough. It has taken me years to totally forgive my mother, and to actually want to have a real relationship with her and his children. I didn’t realize my mother always had my best interests in mind, and she did everything to protect me.

The times I have gone up to visit my mom, I always think about stopping by to see him, or from time to time give him a call. I never followed through with it until today. I figured if I called him and said that I have a beautiful wife and three wonderful children, a house with nice things in it, and just had a book published, maybe I would finally hear him say he was proud of me. I may finally gain his approval, and in that put many demons to rest.

I should defiantly lower my expectations in life. When I called and told him it was me, his response was “ya so” I didn’t know how to respond to that, so I tried to do some small talk. He was a complete asshole to me, he said that he hates my generation; he said that if he would have called his mom after all that time of not talking to her she would have hung up on him. I apologized for calling, and said it won’t happen again. He said good and hung up. In that instant I was left feeling like the scared, rejected, pathetic child I am.

Tomorrow is the day, I am finally able to go down to good ole Hennepin County and file the Custody and Child Support papers against my daughters’ mother. This has been months in the making, and I am relieved that the wheels will finally be set in motion and justice be served. I am aware that this is far from open and shut; I have to accept the facts, I am entering a world that still largely rules in the favor of the mother, even though in this situation she is clearly wrong. Let me give you a quick backdrop on this doozy of a story. To hide the names of the guilty I shall only refer to my daughters’ mother as Satan.

Satan and I hooked up, and as luck would have it she got pregnant. Against my better judgment I proposed to her out of mix of responsibility and pure stupidity. After spending many nights with Satan I realize that this woman is the dumbest person in the entire world, and having conversations with her is like talking to a rock… I take that back a rock is better because a rock does not come back with stupid ass opinions on things. Realizing that I am about to marry an uneducated hillbilly douche bag I quickly exited the relationship. If you do not believe me on the level of idiocy that this woman holds let me give you a brief example. I moved out barely talked to her and moved in with some friends two of which were females. Even after these three obvious hints she still thought we were together.

After Satan saw the light she did what Satan does and tries to hurt me, and what is her weapon? She decides to use our daughter to get back at me ala not letting me see her, so I take her to court and I am awarded 50/50 legal and physical custody. Through the following years there were times we got along, and times where we loathed each other. Through all this we seemed to work things out until she met her future husband who moving forward will be referred to as fuck face.

Satan marries fuck face, and they begin to build their life together. This sounds nice except fuck face cannot accept my daughter into the family they were trying to build. My daughter would come to my house on visits and tell of horrendous stories of being mistreated. This continues to go on until my daughter starts speaking her mind, and one summer I am told by Satan that they would like to have her live with me and my wife. They said that they will see her every other weekend. This turned into the first and the third weekend which turned into whenever Satan could see her, which turned into a letter from Satan saying that she no longer wants to see her. There are many stories that go behind this, but I just realized that I am not writing a novel here.

This letter came the first or second week of October; the last time that she spent a weekend at her moms was the first weekend of March 2009. From March to October Satan has seen her two times for a total of four hours, and had denied her the right to see her sisters. The letter clearly said that she was no longer going to call or see her; I figured we should make this legal. I send Satan a text asking if she would sign off on giving me full custody. She sent me a text saying that she was not going to do that, and in fact she wanted to see her. I even received a text from fuck face wanting to talk to my daughter, when I relayed the message to her there was an intense fear in her eye, and she told me that if I say no he will come and get me. I held her in my arms while she begged me to promise her that I would never let him get to her. I relayed the message to fuck face that as long as I have a breath he will never see her.

I managed to talk to Satan and long story short is she will agree to give me full legal and physical custody as long as she did not have to pay child support. I declined such an offer because she should help support her. This disagreement is why we are going to court. Satan told me that she wants to see her on the second and fourth Sunday of every month from 4-8. Her sisters will not be allowed on these visits.

The entire story is sick and twisted and frankly pisses me off; the things that have been done or said to my daughter in my eyes are unforgivable. A parent should not treat their child in such a manner. Tomorrow is the beginning of the final confrontation. Will justice prevail, or will I get shit on? All the facts are there, letters from her family members, letters from her therapist, letters from school, and most importantly letters from Satan. You would think that this is an open and shut case; unfortunately we are dealing with a broken justice system, in which anything is possible except real justice.