Archive for the ‘Minnesota’ Category

Graceful Dancing

Posted: May 16, 2015 in Absolute Truth, Abuse, Aging, America, Anxiety, Arguments, Atheism, Atheist, Bi-Polar, Bible, Blog, Blogging, Books, Brainwashed, Change, Charity, Charity Foundations, Christianity, Church, Community, Confessions, Coping, Corporate Culture, Crisis, Crooked Politicians, Culture, Death, Debates, Depression, Diary, Dilemma, Dreams, Duty of Care, Dying, Elderly, Emotional Abuse, Epic Battle, Ethics, Evil, Faith, Family, Fear, Forgiveness, God, Good, Good-byes, Greed, Grief, Haile Selassie, Insanity, Inside My Mind, Jesus, Journal, Lies and broken promises, Life, Lists, Living in fear, Logic, Love, Mania, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Minnesota, Misc, miscellaneous, Moral Theories, Morals, Motivation, Mourning, Nursing Homes, Opinion, Pain, Personal, Philosophy, Politics, Prayers, Progress, Psychosis, Quotes, Random, Random Thoughts, Rants, Reform, Rejection, Rights, Sadness, Self-esteem, Self-Help, Self-image, Social Debates, Social Injustices, Society, Sorrow, Spirituality, Stress, Suffering, Suicide, Suicide Note, The Bible, The Bucket List Foundation, The Philosophy of Quotes, Theology, TheRandomArtist, Thoughts, Treatment, Uncategorized, Unity, Verbal Abuse, Work, Work Environment, Writing
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The choice of letting go and saying goodbye is never easy, yet the decision to hold on is even harder. I have let go of hopes, dreams, relationships, redemption and written my goodbyes many times in the past, but every morning I regret my choices and my decisions to hold on… This was the beginning of the post I was working on last Saturday, what was to follow was going to be my final words then swallow every bit of medication I had and finally be at peace. Instead I ended up in the psych ward at Abbot where I stayed until yesterday against my doctors and others advice. I didn’t see the point in staying, all they did was drug me to the point where all I could do was sleep. I was at a crossroads where I knew whether I chose to stay or go I was leaving in worse shape when wen I went in. When I walked out of the hospital and reality came crashing down on me I knew right then and there that I fucked up choosing to go to begin with, yet again regretting my decision to hold on. So I am back where I started but with a bit more inner strength then I had before because I received a mental vacation, but seriously how long will that last? The answer will come in the next week or so as I sit back and see how everything plays out between my job, dream, finances, and relationships. I feel I am at the point where depending on how these things play out will determine my future.

My life is riddled with mistakes, and regrets each one adding to the greater mound of shit called life. At this moment three key things come to mind, keep in mind this is not in chronological order of importance.

  1. Failing at fixing all the problems at the nursing home I work at to improve the quality of life of the residents I have grown to care for so deeply.
  2. Giving up on my dreams of becoming a writer or an artist.
  3. Not finding redemption for the countless number of lives I have destroyed in my 35 years on this earth.
  4. Not following through with shit on November 26th.

I think what it comes down to is acceptance. I need to accept that I won’t ever be more than I am right now. I have to finally accept I won’t ever be able to help the residents where I work. I don’t know what’s worse giving up on my dreams or trying to redeem myself by helping people just like me who can’t help themselves. I have done shitty things; I have poisoned and hurt everyone and everything I have ever touched. Many of my poems touch on this concept of being a “virus.”

For over six years I have worked so hard to make up for all the pain and suffering I have caused by reducing the pain and suffering the residents at the nursing home I work for by the hands and decisions of the very same people who are supposed to care for and safe guard these residents. There are many good hearted people whom I work with who carry this burden of failure, if any of them are reading this they know the deep sorrow and feeling of helplessness of not being able to give these guys the proper quality of life they deserve.

I have been in business with and covered up things for “business associates” who wouldn’t hesitate putting a bullet in your head, but being involved with and covering up for an employer who is a non-profit and allows vulnerable adults and employees to be harassed mistreated and discriminated against is far worse in my eyes. There are many people at the nursing home I work at who see the same things I see but do not act; as Haile Selassie so eloquently put it

Throughout history, it has been the inaction of those who could have acted; the indifference of those who should have known better; the silence of the voice of justice when it mattered most; that has made it possible for evil to triumph.”

All of the people involved in my past life and unfortunately as of late too much of my current life chose “the life” and in the end we all end up in one of two places, we deserve whatever end to our means no matter how horrific or painful. Our residents on the other hand do not deserve the means that transpire until their end comes.

This is my apology to the residents that have come and gone who failed to receive the proper quality of life they deserved. I am sorry that I can no longer continue to fight for the change needed, it is destroying me. My old associates showed more mercy delivering people to their end, than the people I work for now. The people employed by this company who care are used and pushed until they break while the predators are allowed to continue to prey.

Non-profits are not supposed to be run like a criminal organization where fear and intimidation rule. Non-profits are supposed to be built upon something called “Duty of care.” If any one of the “criminals” who work at this nursing home is reading this let me define what duty of care means.

“Duty of care is the moral and legal obligation to attend to the safety and wellbeing of those they serve, those who work for them and others who come into contact with their operations.”

Now to wrap things up there may be some people who do not understand what the title of this entry has to do with the content. Below is a Youtube link of Justin Furstenfeld performing the song “Graceful Dancing.” After hearing his introduction to this powerful song, and seeing the familiar emotions during his performance I decided to check myself into the hospital which drastically changed the content of this post. For that I thank the artist and the person who posted this video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCFpgfvPGZo&list=PLIWCEQoVmfdHIakN42xTrXYjPnE6I3EHB&index=55

 

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It has been 13 hours since the Minnesota Vikings lost the NFC Championship Game against the New Orleans Saints. I am sitting here at work trying to find the words to describe how devastated I am, and muster the strength to get working on my never-ending”to do” list. I am simply far too heartbroken to do anything but sit in utter despair.. I cannot remember the last time I was this shook up over a sporting event… oh yea 1998.

It has been 12 years, since the Vikings lost to the Atlanta Falcons in the NFC Championship Game. My hopes were shattered by poor game management, and a missed field goal that to this day still haunts me. Our kicker made every field goal he attempted during the season, but had to miss the game winning kick. I was totally fine with the ass kicking we took by the New York Giants in 2000, because I knew early that we were done. The utter disappointment and grief I am feeling today, is far more painful.

The Minnesota Vikings have been to nine championship games losing every single one of them. In 1975 it was the “Hail Mary.” In 1998 it was the missed field goal. In 2000 it was the beat down, and in 2010 it was the 12 men penalty. I honestly feel there is a curse on my favorite team.

This was supposed to be our year; we finally obtained the missing piece to the puzzle. By signing Brett Favre, the Minnesota Vikings possessed the game changing quarterback we have needed the last few years. It made it all the more exciting that it was Brett Favre our arch nemesis for fifteen years with the Green Bay Packers. It seemed like destiny, the Hall of Fame quarterback, seeking redemption, and the chance to end his career on top. I am sure that he did not want to be known for the interception he threw in overtime in the 2008 NFC Championship Game, or last year, when he completely broke down mid-season.

The season started out great. We were winning, and Brett Favre was not looking like a 40-year-old quarterback. I was skeptical at first, until the 49ers game, and that great drive and fantastic touchdown pass. I was completely hooked. I was a believer. As the season moved on, the pain from the 1998 loss was slowly shedding. We hit a wall towards the end of the season, but finished positive by destroying the New York Giants. The Minnesota Vikings sealed up the second seed, earning us a first round bye.

In the divisional round of the playoffs, the Vikings humiliated the Dallas Cowboys, earning us a spot in the NFC Championship Game against the New Orleans Saints. My stomach was in knots on the day and hours leading up to the game. I was worried, yet had complete faith that we were going to the Super Bowl.

In my 25 years of watching football I have never been a part of such an emotionally draining game. Words cannot describe the intense feelings that were going on inside of me. The game was close; and gut wrenching to watch. When Reggie Bush muffed the punt near the end of the second quarter, I was ecstatic. I knew we were going to get a touchdown to end the first half. What happened next was anything but, we fumbled the ball in the red zone missing the opportunity to get ahead. This was a pre cursor to a series of events that would inevitable crush my heart and soul.

Fumble, after fumble, an interception, and a complete breakdown of our offensive line was hard to watch, yet thanks to our defense we were still in the game. The Vikings were driving down the field with less than a minute to go. It looked like I was finally going to see my favorite team in the Super Bowl. The drive slowed down, and it appeared we would need to rely on a kick to take us to the promise land. Fears of 1998 were dancing in my head. Then came the flag for 12 men in the huddle. We were sent back 5 yards, decreasing our chance of success on a field goal. The next play Brett Favre was chased out of the pocket, and had six yards of daylight in front of him, unfortunately he did not take those six yards. Instead he forced the ball into coverage resulting in an interception. The game was tied and heading into overtime.

The Vikings lost the coin toss in overtime, and was unable to stop the Saints, resulting in a game winning field goal. I sat in shock for twenty minutes, unaware of how to process my feelings. My hopes and dreams of the story book ending were shattered. Trying to describe my feelings today is tough. I felt like I had been betrayed… not harsh enough, perhaps shit on… no-no I could take a shower to shed that sorrow, and humiliation… it felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and pissed on by a cheating whore who  just slept with my best friend.