We are traveling to northern Minnesota this weekend to see my family. While we are up there we are going to just hang out and enjoy some merriment while drinking and playing games. This sounds like a blast, but what I didn’t mention is we will be spending Saturday at the water park. It was a blast the last time we went, but I am having a lot of anxiety and shame over having to take my shirt off at the park. I wrote about this a month ago so I apologize for repeating myself, but I am tremendously insecure about my body. I have been intending to do something to lose this weight for sometime now, but it is just that intending not doing. I have been trying for years to either come to grips with my belly, or take accountability and do something about it. I am sad to say that I have not accomplished either. I feel confident that someday I will get around to it; I am just not sure when. There are a few body tattoos I want to get, but there is no way I am going to get them due to my girth.
I am desperately trying to find peace with who I am; both inside and out. I am 5’ 7” and currently weigh 188lbs, but when I look in the mirror what I see looking back is someone weighing 350lbs. I am in-between a 36/38 in pants size, which I do not think is a very good thing. I know I can lose the weight if I really work at it. About three years ago I dropped a bunch of weight. I was eating healthy and working out. It felt great because I was in-between a 34/36 pants size and weighed 160lbs. I still had a belly but it was nothing compared to what it was or what it is now. I had a bunch of energy, my moods were more stable and best of all I felt happy with my body. I was staying home with the kids at this time so when my wife got home I would head off the gym five days a week. Once I started working again I stopped going to the gym and hence gained all this weight back. It is very difficult for me to work all day, and once the home stuff is done it is eight o’clock and the last thing I want to do is lift weights and do some cardio. I think a bigger problem is I have my nightly routine and it is very hard to stray from that routine. I know all it will take is a week of following a workout schedule before it would be fully intergraded into my nightly routine. So why do I not do this? Why do I still eat extra cheddar goldfish at 8pm at night instead of going to the gym?
There are many people who are overweight, but they carry their weight very well. I admire these people because of regardless of what they weigh they have this certain confidence in themselves. The only time I have confidence in myself is if I am dressed well. There have been a few times I look in the mirror and say to myself “damn I am sexy.” This is usually accomplished the first fifteen times or so times I wear new clothes. I just wish that confidence and sexy feeling lasted every time I wore those same clothes, but it wears off after time. I would love nothing more than to just embrace my appearance, and just live my life. What I try to say to myself is if it is good enough for the Buddha than it should be good enough for me. I would much rather be like the Buddha instead of some shallow perfect everything type of person.