Better Without
I try so hard
Not to become my fathers son
I try so hard
To be a father sculpted by Michelangelo
Painted by da Vinci
Faced with failure
Endless denial
Self deception
To deny the truth
I am a father designed by an earless madman
I question are they better without
Trapped in a Divine Comedy
Inferno is Alpha and Omega
I wish there was a cure
Sadness filled with madness
Meds cannot take away
A brain still in pain
How do you apologize
When the illness lets them down
The more I write
The clearer it becomes
They may be better without
They love the mania
Hate the downs
Flick the switch
From mania to a ditch
Turning from this to that
They never know which dad I’ll be
Denying them the comfort of stability
Please don’t let them be better without
What am I then?
A cancer to my family
They know I am sick
They know daddy isn’t the same
Wishing he was someone else
Transparent they see what’s inside
They hate my illness
Hating myself
That shame and stain forever remains
They now question are they better without
Face-to-face with this question
Like a coward I hide
In denial
My blanket of lies
I am their painting of a father
A father my son doesn’t want to become
The question has been answered
They are better without
By: Tim Lundmark
This is a serious and troubling question I have been asking myself for 15 years; which yields a bi-polar answer. Regardless of the feedback and criticism I have heard over and over again during these same 15 years; I always tried to counter act the negatives with positive self talk. As a parent I have made countless mistakes and bad decisions, which only reinforced the criticism I was hearing. Through the years I have had to face some ugly truths about myself, and come to terms with the fact; I can no longer deny the validity of said criticisms. Like most people in the world I blamed others, and made justifications for my actions. Here is where things get complicated; I have never been 100% sure if everything I just said is reality, my wife’s subjective reality, or both. Up until recently I never really knew what to believe.
With everything that has been going on, the way I have fallen apart and the undeniable truths I have been shown I can no longer deny the question of if my children are better off without me in their lives. I have touched on this in a prior post, honestly I can’t handle going into detail on how all of these truths have come together. I have cried so much at work recently I can’t try to truly feel through and process the shame and guilt I feel right now.
In anticipation for the comments I will receive about how important it is for children to have their father’s in their lives; my only reply is they have never experienced living with a father you tried to pray to God would go away. I know this from my ultimate fear of becoming my father’s son, having this fear is proof I would have been better off without. Because of this situation I am fucking them up because I have fallen apart, I am fucking them up because I am leaving, and my wife believes because of my MI, and that I will be on my own the damage I will cause them in the future will be far worse than anything I have done to date. With everything I have done, why would I continue to cause damage to their lives?
I know how badly I have fallen apart at home, and in all honesty I feel things will get far worse before they get better once I leave. I can’t find any logical reason, to put my children through the coming storm.
