Archive for the ‘Published Author’ Category

 

Decaying Faces

Decaying faces

Buried in decaying places

Chasing dreams in empty spaces

Stench of death embraces

That which the light erases

Displaying those decaying faces

Replacing the traces

Of those decaying places

Those rearranged decaying faces

Lost alone in decaying places

Those dreams you chased in empty spaces

Reluctant to believe in warm embraces

Popping pills to find something that erases

A lonely walk that leaves no traces

The decay displacing those funny faces

Oddly drawn to those dark places

Where decaying faces erase the traces

Of empty spaces

Where death embraces

The places and empty spaces

Where light erases

The truth behind the decaying faces

Faces changing places

The memories it erases

Funny faces

Empty spaces

Decaying faces

Hidden in decaying places

Embracing those empty spaces

Erasing the traces of happy faces

By: TimLundmark

 

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Two years ago by happenstance I discovered I possessed the ability to draw, little did I know this singular event would initiate a butterfly effect that would alter my very existence. A major piece of me died when I quit writing years ago, as a result my dream, joy, and self-esteem died. I was sentenced to an agonizing existence; locked away within my own mind. From time-to-time the memory of how I felt during that period where I was pursuing my dream would take over, and I would attempt to return to my passion very little success.  Something which at one point came so effortlessly seemed impossible. As time passed I lost my creativity piece by piece until I had nothing. One of my only sources of inner and outer positive reinforcement was gone.

Until one day at work mindlessly working the phones I found myself looking at this picture and attempted to draw what I was looking at. To my surprise I was able to produce a near perfect duplicate of what I was looking at. This was just simple line work with no shading or other drawing techniques.  I was so proud of myself I continued to do this working my way up to more complicated and detailed duplicates. In January of this year I completed a drawing I was proud enough of I decided to pin it to my cork board behind my desk. The same day I hung this drawing I started to receive compliments, and positive reinforcement for something I managed to accomplish.  It had been some time since I felt good about myself. This was the only motivation I needed to jump into this drawing thing and seriously work on improving my skills so I could continue to feel positive about myself.

Between the positive reinforcement, along with the return of my creativity I ended up being freed from the shackles of oppression I had been suffering. As my confidence grew, so did the reality and realization of where I was in my life. I went on a journey of honest self reflection of my life, and who I was. This has been a painful, yet liberating voyage I continue to this day. With a little outside push of extreme hurt and betrayal from someone close to me I was given the final reason to end a horrible marriage, and a real chance to experience a new life. The details behind this can be saved for another time.

I am amazed at how much my life has changed from then to now. I started selling my drawings, which if I can figure out how to do it I will begin to post them on my blog. I have started writing again; although I have yet to hit my stride where my thoughts can be translated as effortlessly as before, but I continue to make positive steps forward so I can achieve this once again.

Along with the joy and excitement I am feeling about returning to this blog, the spark to start writing my “Dylan Thomas” children’s book series is alive, and feels like it could actually become a reality. Words cannot describe what I am feeling at this moment. The chance to fulfill a dream I have had since a child has been returned to me, and I intend on embracing this second chance.

What We Learn From Failed Relationships

Posted: May 27, 2014 in Absolute Truth, Abuse, Anxiety, Arguments, Blog, Blogging, Change, Childhood, Children, Coping, Crisis, Culture, Dating, Debates, Depression, Diary, Dilemma, Divorce, Dreams, Emotional Abuse, Ethics, Evil, Faith, Family, Fatherhood, Fear, Forgiveness, Freedom, Fun, Greed, Grief, Growing up in abusive homes, Health, Humor, Inside My Mind, Journal, Kids, Learning, Lies and broken promises, Life, Lists, Living Your Dream, Logic, Love, Lust, Marriage, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Misc, miscellaneous, Moral Theories, Morals, Motivation, Mourning, NA, Opinion, Pain, Parent, Parenting, Personal, Philosophy, Poems, Poetry, Published Author, Quotes, Random, Random Thoughts, Rants, Rejection, Relationship Issues, Relationships, Sadness, Self-esteem, Self-Help, Self-image, Social Anxiety, Social Debates, Society, Sorrow, Spirituality, Stress, Suffering, The Invention of Lying, The Philosophy of Lyrics, The Philosophy of Quotes, Things That Give Me Anxiety, Thoughts, Top Ten Lists, Uncategorized, Unity, Verbal Abuse, Writing
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I would first like to start off by thanking all of my readers and subscribers. I learned today; I have readers from 61 different countries. I think that’s pretty bad ass. I am aware that my readership grew from the topics of philosophy, theology, and madness. So bear with me as I stray a bit from those topics. Today I would like to release that which has been permeating in my mind. I would like ponder for a moment the importance of learning from our mistakes in a failed relationship. Through all of this I am trying to maintain a positive attitude and outlook. So here we go.

The one thing I can say with out a doubt is I am far from sainthood. I have made my more than my fair share of mistakes, and bad decisions which played a role in the overall destruction of my marriage. I am ashamed and consumed with intense guilt because of this. This combined with my wife’s lies, and infidelity has allowed me to see the light. I am sure I could write a 200 page paper on this topic, but I will try to keep this short and sweet.

There are 10 main things I have learned in my failed marriage. Now mind you there are far more than 10, but as I said this is not a 200 page dissertation on my failed marriage. I will do my best to not place blame, because it doesn’t do anyone any good. Some things on this list will undoubtedly overlap, even though this is the case I feel each one deserves to be mentioned. Without further ado here is my list of 10 things I learned from my failed marriage.

  1. Never Lie: I did a lot of research after I found out about what my wife did. I learned that in humans our first response when we know we have done something wrong, that will ultimately lead to a negative outcome our immediate response is to lie. We do this for two reasons one we want to avoid conflict, and two we don’t want to get in trouble. Since I am a proponent of the tabula rasa theory (mind being born as a blank slate.) I feel this is a trait we learn as children, which carries over into adulthood. Lying to your partner no matter how small is a terrible idea. We can overcome this childish trait, by knowing our partner as well as ourselves, focus on understanding and know that mistakes are actually learning opportunities.
  2. Never Cheat: I think this one doesn’t need further explanation. It’s a painful and shitty thing to do to those we love. Even if (insert some attractive famous person) wanted to be with you, nothing is worth hurting the one you love.
  3. Trust: it should go without saying that if the two things listed above are followed then trust shouldn’t be an issue. Unfortunately we all carry the baggage of past hurt, what we need to realize is who ever we are with now is not the person who caused us hurt in the past. I would imagine it would be a good idea to be open and honest about these past hurts. A relationship that is not built on trust is like trying to build a house of cards on a windy day, neither of these two examples will be successful. The perfect advice one can give in fostering trust in a relationship is this; if you would not say or do something if your partner was there with you, then you definitely shouldn’t do it.
  4. Accept and Love Each Other For All Their Good Qualities, As Well As Their Flaws: let’s admit it people, no one is perfect, and those who claim to be are probably the most screwed up of them all. Initially I am sure that we all fall in love with our mates good qualities. During the “courting” or “honeymoon” phase of a relationship, it is kind of like interviewing for a job, you really are not being completely honest your just trying to get the “job.” As the relationship progresses and begins to become serious is usually when we start to notice each others flaws. The important thing is that we learn to love that person regardless of their flaws. In fact I believe our flaws can become the most exciting part of a relationship. When you love the good qualities along with the flaws you know you have found true love; when everything seems to fit like a glove.
  5. Never Put Your Partner Down and Break Their Will: this topic has a lot to do with item number four. There are just two things I would like to add. The first is from an article by John Gottman, PhD in an article titled “4 Signs of A Troubled Marriage” Here is the link.http://affiliatedpsychologicalservices.com/4-signs-of-a-troubled-marriage/ Gottman talks about “The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse” which are clear signs you are headed for a divorce. The first two he brings up is “Criticism” and “Contempt.” If anyone out there grew up in an abusive home where as a child you were faced with these two horsemen, having to deal with such things in a marriage is a key ingredient in a divorce. If you tell someone something negative about them enough times, with the right amount of nastiness it is only natural the other party will believe what they are being told, and inevitable this is who they will see when they look into the mirror. I don’t think people are aware of how serious the long term damage can be. My second point comes from a line from the song “Weight of The World” by Blue October. “Don’t bother changing things that won’t give into changing.” It is one thing to help your partner grow and become the best person they can be, but in the process don’t try to change who they are inside. If you are hell bent on trying to force someone to change, there is always medication. If this is your goal please take to heart one of my quotes “Medication is to fix the people we don’t like.” If you feel you need to medicate your partner, it’s time to call it quits.
  6. Freedom: As your relationship grows, it is imperative that you do not take away your partners freedom. When I say freedom I am not referring to allowing your partner to go out all the time neglecting the relationship, and engaging in behaviors which fall into the first three categories I listed. When I say freedom, I say that it is clearly healthy to share and be with each other, but it is also healthy to have a respectful life outside of the relationship. I have made this deadly mistake in one of my relationships, and I have now been on the receiving end of how damaging smothering and isolating your partner can be. If your relationship is built on a strong foundation of trust and respect this should be something you encourage each other to do. I have always admired the relationship between my best friend of 26 years and his lovely wife. I will not mention names, but I truly hope one day I can figure out whatever their secret is, and apply it to my future relationships. I am going to encourage them to write a book.
  7. Support Their Dreams: There is nothing more precious and sacred than some ones hopes and dreams. For some our dreams appear to us when we are young, others do not fully realize their dreams until they discover who they are. When I was young I had the normal boyhood dreams to become a professional football or baseball player, unfortunately like normal boys those dreams were not meant to be. Beyond those two options, I really didn’t have anything else that drove or inspired me, until the 5th grade. Long story short I ended up doing many writing assignments and I remember my teacher signing my year book, saying she could one day see something I have written being published. I was not a very well behaved child, so positive reinforcement from the teachers I tormented was rare, but from that moment my dream changed. I wanted to become a professional writer. As I grew older I held onto this dream, and wrote in private. I never thought anything I would write would be read let alone published. Again long story short one of my poetry books was published, I started this blog, wrote two children’s books, and two other poetry books. Needless to say this was the greatest I had ever felt about myself, because I accomplished something I never thought I could… my dream. I did not receive support from my partner, and in fact was highly put down and discouraged from continuing to write, until finally I had no option but to stop writing. The details behind this are not important at this moment.
  8. Open & Honest Communication: You would think this is a no brainier, but for my marriage and I would imagine many others this proved to be too challenging to overcome and sowed the seeds to our divorce. I feel if you have all seven of these things listed above then number eight would be a given, but if you take out one or two of the above it makes communication a challenge. I avoided and ran away from open and honest communication. I could make a laundry list for why, but this is already becoming too long of a post. Mainly I was afraid to honestly look in the mirror, I was scared I was going to receive an unhealthy dose of items four and five. Regardless of those reasons it is on me for failing in this aspect of our marriage. I need to take ownership for this, and like everything listed learn to not make the same mistakes. It is very difficult and challenging for me to be social, and communicate even with those closest to me. I know this is something I need to work on, but what always ends up playing over and over in my mind is the Pink Floyd lyrics from the song “The Final Cut” which I will add at the end.
  9. Be A Selfless Lover: This is actually one area where I have and feel the most accomplished. I felt I needed to add this, because in my experience men in general put their intimacy needs, or the final “outcome” before their partners. I will not go into detail in case my mom is reading this, but as men our primary focus and goal when it comes to being intimate is placing our partners needs before ourselves. Any man can do his business and be on his way, but this is a man who has failed. When it comes to intimacy your only goal and desire should be the feelings and ultimate “outcome” of your partners needs. Everything else should be secondary.
  10. Find Your Genuine Light: Tomorrow I am going to post a quick poem describing the meaning behind this comment. I do not believe in soul mates. I do not believe there is only one true love for everyone. I believe for everyone, there exists many individuals who could be considered your genuine light. I believe they are rare, but they are out there. My advice is if you feel you are holding your genuine light, don’t let them slip away because you cannot be certain another one will come around to light up your life.

 

“And if I show you my dark side
Will you still hold me tonight?
And if I open my heart to you
And show you my weak side
What would you do?
Would you sell your story to Rolling Stone?
Would you take the children away
And leave me alone?
And smile in reassurance
As you whisper down the phone?
Would you send me packing?
Or would you take me home?”

Pink Floyd

These lyrics describe perfectly why it is so difficult for me to open up to people, which hinders my ability to effectively communicate.

Broken Dolls

Broken dolls are meant to be along

A walk over the loveless moon

The loveless moon shines to bright

Broken dolls blinded by the light

Desperately alone wondering the night

Broken dolls from broken homes

Build broken homes of their own

Cracked walls bring rays of loveless light

Broken dolls carry broken hearts

Through the graveyard on those loveless nights

Broken toys for broken boys

Brings broken dreams and empty joy

Broken dolls with a broken face

Within his eyes he sees the place

Where loveless moons light voided space

Broken dolls belong in the trash

Finally freed from the loveless grasp

The loveless moon shows brand new cracks

Loveless moons illuminate pain filled lakes

Broken dolls leaving tear stained paths, to ashamed to look back

We are meant to walk alone

No more broken children left at home

The loveless nights, the loveless moon

Guaranteeing to break real soon

Within the mist; broken dolls will not be missed

Poem taking from “Yin”

By: Tim Lundmark

I was talking with my mom last night asking for her advice, and to hear her comforting voice to talk me down from the mania I was in. I was having issues on how to manage and structure a certain on-going theme for this blog (will touch on this in separate post.) This complete lack in structure and organization was crushing my brain. We started talking about “Dylan Thomas” my children’s book series. She brought up a great point which has always been in the back of my mind, but I always try to bury it away. She said that I may have a hard time finding an agent because of the poetry books I have written, as well as the content on this blog. When she said this it brought my personal fears to the forefront of my consciousness. This buried realization along with my mania transformed into complete panic.

I am well aware the only way I am going to realize my writing dreams is through my “Dylan Thomas” series. Children books are far more popular than poetry books, and I don’t mean to toot my own horn but the two books I have already written in this series are bad ass. We have to read to our youngest for fifteen minutes every night, and I am always amazed on how some of these books were even published. My writing style for this series is poetry mixed with a Dr. Seuss feel. I felt I was 100% certain I will get an agent, but at the same time an agent may be afraid to sign me because of my adult poetry books and the content on this blog. I know when I first started writing this blog; much of the material was centered on my mental illness, but lately I have not focused so much on my personal struggles, unless I absolutely need to get it off my chest.

Like I wrote in “Piss Off Corporate America” I wonder if I have nuked the bridges between me and the possibility of being signed by a literary agent. If I send my query letter to them will they Google my name and judge me based off who I am, or will they judge me by the content of my manuscript? I am just sick with anxiety over this, because I can do nothing about it. I self-published two of my three poetry books so I very well could pull them off the market, but there is nothing I can do about my other one. It is already on Amazon, and has been the vocal point of various different discussion boards. There is also nothing I can do about what I have written on this blog. I can shutdown my account but I think everything I have already written will be here forever. Although this blog has a modest following I cannot imagine not writing in it. Oh shit I just realized I could probably change the author name on here! Do you guys think that is a good idea?

In the end my question is this. Do you think I will be rejected by children’s books agents because of my persona of being as my mom put it “a complete fucking lunatic?” Should I change the author name on this blog? Should I pull my two self-published poetry books for sale off the internet, or should I just use a pen name for those as well? Doing all this will require hours of work, so do you think it is worth it? Please feedback and answers to my questions are greatly needed so I can cure my panic.

Thanks

You can purchase my books at www.thephilosophyofme.com

On Saturday September 18th “Dylan Thomas: Finds His Courage” was published. This is a very exciting time, because I have been working on this project for the past seven months and I am very happy it has been released. This is the first installment in a long series of books based off my son Dylan. My other two children will also be included in every book. This series is geared towards 1-10 year olds; the stories will be varied in topic subjects. One book can be about Dylan being potty trained and one about Dylan’s first day at kindergarten. I have already started working on the next book “Dylan Thomas: Bedtime Songs.” I have a three to four week deadline to have it written and edited. I think I can honestly hit this deadline.

This book has a nice niche in the market, because it is written entirely in rhyming poetry. To my knowledge there are not many out there following this format. The first draft was written in story form but did not make it through the focus grood. Many people thought the story was rather boring. I decided to alter the story to write it in its current form. This edition was met with praise from the focus group.   

The next step is to start marketing it. I was able to put a link on WordPress but it would not allow me to add the picture which means readers will not see it. I viewed my site and all I see is a small box with a red X through it. I doubt this will draw people to the link where people can purchase the book. I posted a link on my Facebook status message, but these status messages get lost in the shuffle of Facebook posts. I can not figure out how to create a permanent link on my account. I do have my website where people can purchase the book, but I have very limited resources to advertise this site, so I receive very little traffic.

I need to get my Philosophy of Me business cards made up so I have the option to strike up conversations’ and hand them out to drive sales. I know these business cards will prove to be valuable when I finally start doing readings. I can also place advertisement on message boards. Nicole has found many sites where I can get professional reviews from which would provide great exposure and give me more things I can send to agents after the next installment comes out. I am a bit overwhelmed with all the reading material to get this started. Below are two links to where you can purchase this book. I received a comment from Johanna asking to see a preview of the book, and that preview is offered on the purchasing site.

I hope to get your support, the more sales the easier it will be to interest literary agents. It would also help if you could post the lulu link and either e-mail to family and friends and or post the link on your Facebook and ask people to repost. This worked great for my previous book.

 http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/dylan-thomas-finds-his-courage/12677841

 www.thephilosophyofme.com

A while ago I wrote a post about my current projects. Since then a few things have been finished and a few of my projects have been altered, because I am a shameful promoter I would like to give an update on my progress. Things have been progressing nicely although there are some tedious things causing me to dread the process. Feedback is always needed.

Dylan Thomas: This is a children’s book series written in poetry form. The goal is to create stories which appeal to ages 2-10. I want the rhyming and lush drawings to not only draw the kids in, but also make the stories enjoyable for the parents as well. I have completed the first story “Dylan Thomas: Finds His Courage.” Currently it is in the illustration phase and will be released the end of September. I hope to have the next installment “Dylan Thomas: Bedtime Songs” I hope to have this available for sale by February 2011 or sooner.

This series is probably the only way I will make any money from my writing, and hopefully this series will help me land a literary agent. The stories will follow the same flow as far as the rhyming poetry, but the illustrations will change. I think this is exciting because it will keep things fresh. The illustrator Jeff Chia has one more page to complete, and my sister Cailee is doing the editing. I hope to have everything but together by September 1st. This will allow me a month to ensure everything looks good on the actual book. I am a quarter done with the next installment.

Yin; A poetry chapbook chronicling my dark side. I have already finished this book, and should be released before November 2010.

This is completed with all poems in my journal. I just need to type and edit. I hope to have this out by November. I will either sell “Yin” and “Yang” separately or combine them into one book. If I were to combine them into one I would set it up where “Yin” is on one side and “Yang” on the other. I am planning on setting them up as pocket books.

Yang; A poetry chapbook chronicling my light side. I have already finished this book, and should be released before November 2010

Politico; Working Title This poetry chapbook focuses on my political and theological perspectives. This book is also finished with an expected release date before November 2010.

This book will contain my political, philosophical, and theological points of view. There is a website called Politico, so I am unsure if the name is copyrighted or not. If it is I will have to get their blessings to use their names. There were plenty political poems in “My Descent into Madness,” and seemed to be well received.

The Mind of a Madman: (working title) this is a novel written in poetry form describing the inner workings of a psychopath in the making, and his journey into madness, starting from the time of conception up until… the rest will be a surprise. This has been a difficult book to work on, the places these poems take me is very dark. If I spend too much time there I may become a product of my words.

I have been all over the place in writing this one. I am jumping around to different phases of the main characters’ life. I am planning on telling this story strictly in poetry form or if I should add some narrative to it. This is taking longer than I expected, because I can only stay a short time in this mans mind.

The Philosophy of Me: The life and mind of no one special: This will be a book based off 365 days of my blogging entries. This will appeal to my fans wanting all my entries in print, and introduce the site to new readers. I will also use this as part of my portfolio.

I received an e-mail from a reader saying she would purchase this even though it is just an edited version of my blog. I suppose if one person would enjoy it than others may as well.

My Journey Through Taoism; This will include every verse from the Tao Te Ching along with my quest into understanding and living the Tao. Many books are written by experts. I hope to relate to readers who are new to Taoism by explaining my journey seeking understanding. At the end of each chapter I will be including a poem based off the verse. I do not want to rush this; so I am unaware of a release date 

This will be written in real time chronicling my quest into understanding Taoism. This book is the reason I stopped adding verses in my blog. I don’t want too many books to cross pollinate. I am enjoying this project because I can spend a few weeks working on each verse which will really bring me closer to the Way. In writing this in the perspective of someone seeking the Way it may help others understand it better and assist them on their journey. 

The Humor In Theology; I was originally going to write a descriptive timeline and the evolution of religion. I realized this book would only appeal to a certain audience. I was becoming overwhelmed with the mighty scope of this project. I decided to stick with the theology aspect but instead write it in a humorous way. I think this will be informative as well as funny.

I changed this from a serious educational book into a comedy. I will look into religions of the past and current beliefs and point out the goofiness of what people believe. There is a religion in Africa which believed their God vomited up the entire universe. This is just one of the silly beliefs people hold onto. It is amazing how people completely abandon logic in the name of faith.

The Philosophy of Quotes: Everyone loves quotes, and it seems each person may walk away with different perspectives on the meaning of these quotes. This book explains my philosophical view on the meaning of quotes. I hope to turn this into multiple volumes; each volume will be broken down by letters of the alphabet. I am excited to take a deeper look at my favorite quotes. 

I thought I would enjoy this one, but I have been running into a little bit of frustrations. My mind will not shift into this mode, which is holding this bad boy up.

Deceived: (working title.) This book examines how the Christian religion has allowed itself to be destroyed by the word of man. I have read the Bible a number of times; once because of faith, once as a theologian, and once as a skeptic. You would be amazed how much the bible has been changed to not only create copyrights, but to change the original meaning of the “Word of God” to fit mans needs. This book will be written entirely on a non-biased theological way looking strictly at the Word.

If I want to properly do this one I will need to focus 100% of my attention on it. I will need to simultaneously read three to four separate versions of the Bible. I started this awhile back and read the first couple chapters of Genesis, and it made my head hurt. I really think this project has potential, but with the amount of time I have to work on my writing it would take a year or two and I am not sure if I want to make that type of commitment on something which may not reap what I sowed.

On a side note I have thought of releasing my poetry books with commentary as far as what I was feeling and the meaning. I tend to write in abstract ways and I have had people tell me they get lost in finding the true meaning. I just wonder if this is sacrilegious with poetry because poetry is meant to be subjective to the reader. I am worried my poems may lose some of its luster if I add commentary. On the flip side some of my dedicated readers may care enough to know the story behind the poem.

What are your thoughts? Do you think I may be wasting my time with some of these books? I am starting my quest today to find an agent and I wonder if they want to see complete projects or is a concept enough to wet their whistle.

I am giving my published book “My Descent into Madness” away for free. My publisher is ripping me off by not giving me credit for books sold. I made a vow to cease all marketing for this book and even canceled interviews, and readings. I then realized my whole point when this book was published was for people to read my words. I don’t really care about the money.

If you are interested in receiving a digital copy of my book, please e-mail me at tlundmark@missionsinc.org or thephilosophyofme@yahoo.com please allow a day or two to e-mail you. I ask one thing in return; when you finish the book, please e-mail me a review of the book so I can post on my website. This copy may have some minor spelling mistakes, because it is the unedited version. Here is a little about the book.

“My Descent into Madness,” It was August 2009, I had just crashed from a manic episode. I was taking Chantix which was causing me to go deeper down the insanity hole. I just kept getting worse and worse. I hit the lowest low, and wanted to die so I could no longer feel the way I did. I wrote a note to my family. I kept reading it over and over, and I felt I was not saying enough. I wanted them to know the depths of my suffering.

I have always been able to write poems; until then I never kept them. I would just write and they would end up getting tossed. I started a journal, and I was determined to convey my pain, so their grieving was not that bad. The final entry was dated February 8th 2010.

I was able to crawl out of the darkness, with the help of my family, and the Tao Te Ching I was able to see some light. My wife found this self publishing site, so I went for it. It did not take long to get published. The accomplishment of having my work get published is hard to put into words. I want to share my words to as many people as I can, so if you are interested in a copy drop me a line. I would like to recommend some sites to my readers.

woodka.com     

ramblingtaoist.blogspot.com       

wordwand.wordpress.com

bipolarbeauti.wordpress.com        

1markt.wordpress.com          

hames1977.wordpress.com     

Please support these fantastic sites.

Shakopee author recounts his life struggle in poetry

By Kristin Holtz

Shakopee Valley News

Staff Writer

Tim Lundmark was living his darkest days.

Unhappy with his life accomplishments, he was frustrated he wasn’t achieving his dreams. Struggling with mental illness, he chose a date – Feb. 8, 2010 – to end it all.

But what started as his goodbye to his family became the net he needed to pull him out of his depression.

Lundmark, 30, of Shakopee recently published his first book of poetry, “My Descent Into Madness,” a dark, emotional look into his inner struggle to live.

“It’s very personal. It’s very emotional,” he said. “Not only was it tough to write but sometimes going back to read it, it’s hard to even remember writing it.”

Lundmark, who grew up in Eden Prairie and moved to Shakopee five years ago, has lived with mental illness for more than a decade. Last August, he hit a deep low.

Married with three children, Lundmark began writing poetry as a suicide note to explain the pain and hopelessness he was experiencing. He thought death was the only way out, and even though he knew it would cause his family pain, he truly thought they would be better off without him.

“My Descent Into Madness” chronicles the raw emotions Lundmark felt as he contemplated suicide. The poem, “Lie,” sums up much of its author’s struggle:

Fall Begins and everything dies/No more time to live a lie/If you think you can save me/With one last note or plea/You’d be wrong/I lack the will to be strong

Lundmark’s final poem, “To My Children,” has an especially powerful impact; it was to be his final entry, dated Feb. 8, not only saying goodbye but asking for forgiveness, too.

Lundmark said his wife, Nicole, knew he was journaling but had no idea of the struggles going on inside his head. It was her encouragement, however, which helped him emerge from the darkness. She suggested he publish his poetry.

“My wife pulled me out of the darkness by turning that writing into something I would attempt to get published. That realization I would live out a dream I had since fifth grade to be a published author snapped me out of the low I was in,” Lundmark said.

“Lundmark’s book reads as an ode to the American Dream gone wrong. Most of his poems are dark reflections on mental illness and a man struggling to cope with the society in which he lives,” wrote author Karen Mason in an Internet review on “My Descent.” “The poems are harrowing and stark in places.”

Lundmark said he was slightly scared about putting his personal struggles into such a public arena. He hopes the book generates empathy – and comfort – for those living with mental illness.

“I hope that reading my pain and my suffering and reading these things that it’s moving to people,” he said. “At the same time I hope that people going through the same thing might be able to identity with the things that I’m going through.”

Lundmark intends to use proceeds from the book toward creating the Bucket List Foundation to improve the lives of people living in nursing homes. The foundation would unite volunteers and elderly, possibly helping them to finish off their “bucket lists.”

“I’d like to do something to help those people out and make their last days happy days,” said Lundmark, who works as a staffing coordinator at Mission Nursing Home in Plymouth.

Lundmark’s days are better today, too, with a renewed purpose as a published author. He said while that dream gave him hope when he needed it, it was his wife and children which pulled him from the darkest depths of despair.

“If it wasn’t for [Nicole] and her caring, who knows where I would [have been] Feb. 8,” he said.

Kristin Holtz can be reached at (952) 345-6678 or kholtz@swpub.com.

 “My Descent Into Madness”

By Tim Lundmark

Available: E-mail Lundmark at thephilosophyofme@yahoo.com

Learn more about the book at Lundmark’s blog http://www.mydescentintomadness.wordpress.com

 

The events over the last 6 months has opened up many doors for me. I was able to realize my life long dream of becoming a published author. This accomplishment gave me the courage and confidence to attempt some other personal dreams. I was able to create a website, albeit a pretty lame one but a website I can call my own. I started a daily blog, and I founded The Bucket List Foundation. Since all these things have happened the creative flood gates have been opened which has given me the motivation to start other book projects. The following are the current projects I am working on. Due to my ADD I need to work on multiple projects, because I grow board with working on just one at a time.

Dylan Thomas: This is a children’s book series written in poetry form. The goal is to create stories which appeal to ages 2-10. I want the rhyming and lush drawings to not only draw the kids in, but also make the stories enjoyable for the parents as well. I have completed the first story, but I have run into a wall with an illustrator.

The Definitive Theology Timeline: This is a working title. My goal is to track religion from its conception and its evolution into what we know today. I intend to include every possible religion I can. I am not going to go into great depth on each one, just some basics like creation stories, Gods, messiah, end-times and the basic belief system. I am guessing each chapter will be about fifteen to twenty pages. I am around 200 pages deep into this with a long way to go.

Deceived: (working title) This book examines how the Christian religion has allowed itself to be destroyed by the word of man. You would be amazed how much the bible has been changed to not only create copyrights, but to change the originally meaning of the “Word of God” to fit mans needs.

The Mind of a Madman: (working title) This is a novel written in poetry form describing the inner workings of a psychopath, starting from the time of conception up until… the rest will be a surprise.

The Philosophy of Me: The life and mind of no one special: This will be a book based of 365 days of my blogging experience. I am unsure if a blogger has created a book based off a year of their posts, but I thought I would give it a try. If nothing else perhaps I will create more exposure to my cause.

Finally I am working on two other poetry chapbooks, which at this moment in time have no names. The goal is to self publish then shop the manuscripts to publishers and literary agents.