Archive for the ‘Suicide Note’ Category

I avoid mirrors, I simply can’t handle seeing my own reflection. I naturally have a difficult time making eye contact with anyone, fearing they will see through my mask. The rare moments I make eye contact with the man in the Mirror I grow weary and this is what came out.

My faces of evil

Cleverly hidden 

My eyes…

The window into a voidless darkness…

Soulless 

Stare too long and he takes you away

“Grab my hand”

“I will take this pain away”

“Follow me into the shadows”

“Fear not of voided thoughts”

“Shed no tears”

“We have lived beyond our years”

“Trust in me”

“To take the pain away”

Advertisements

Being poor

Wanting more

Cubburds bare

I wished upon a star

Even trying a rare prayer

An elephant tear

Appears filled with fear

Being poor

Children needing more

Unwaking nightmare

I promised I swore

I tried so hard to ignore 

My final wish to create my final scar

The Alpha of the Omega

Posted: September 14, 2015 in Suicide, Suicide Note

Sixteen  days left until we need to be out of our house, and the prospects of successfully finding a place to live is bleak. So what will happen on the last day of September? Maybe this was the Omega I started to write about in June.

The clock continues to tick away, along with it our hopes that we will have a roof over our head. My mental health and cognitive ability is worsening with each tick tock.

One of the things all of the mental health professionals in my life are concerned with is if I have a plan, I have always told them if I were to end my life it would be impulsive. Since June I have been working on my Funeral Playlist, songs I want played at my funeral so I can speak to everyone after I am gone. My plan was once my Playlist was completed if things were not better than I would move on.

My therapist pointed out that my funeral would last forever with how many songs I have, so now I am going through and having songs I want played at my funeral and the rest to be given to anyone who attends. My plan depends on which comes first completing Playlist or when September ends and we have no where to live. If I am still being suffocated and can’t handle things than that is how I will decide if my Omega has come.

I took out a larger life insurance policy just to be safe. I try my best to focus on the positive light of The Random Artist and the future it may bring. I am so close to complete the small finishing touches and tasks to make it go live, but I can’t it’s too much. I cannot process or complete even the easiest tasks of just living, trying to connect everything to make my delusional dream a reality seems impossible.

I don’t have much left in me, and I am sorry for my weakness. Let this be documentation for future reference that I fought and tried until I couldn’t anymore, in hopes people will find understanding, or let this be documentation for future reference that I fought and made everything work.

Graceful Dancing

Posted: May 16, 2015 in Absolute Truth, Abuse, Aging, America, Anxiety, Arguments, Atheism, Atheist, Bi-Polar, Bible, Blog, Blogging, Books, Brainwashed, Change, Charity, Charity Foundations, Christianity, Church, Community, Confessions, Coping, Corporate Culture, Crisis, Crooked Politicians, Culture, Death, Debates, Depression, Diary, Dilemma, Dreams, Duty of Care, Dying, Elderly, Emotional Abuse, Epic Battle, Ethics, Evil, Faith, Family, Fear, Forgiveness, God, Good, Good-byes, Greed, Grief, Haile Selassie, Insanity, Inside My Mind, Jesus, Journal, Lies and broken promises, Life, Lists, Living in fear, Logic, Love, Mania, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Minnesota, Misc, miscellaneous, Moral Theories, Morals, Motivation, Mourning, Nursing Homes, Opinion, Pain, Personal, Philosophy, Politics, Prayers, Progress, Psychosis, Quotes, Random, Random Thoughts, Rants, Reform, Rejection, Rights, Sadness, Self-esteem, Self-Help, Self-image, Social Debates, Social Injustices, Society, Sorrow, Spirituality, Stress, Suffering, Suicide, Suicide Note, The Bible, The Bucket List Foundation, The Philosophy of Quotes, Theology, TheRandomArtist, Thoughts, Treatment, Uncategorized, Unity, Verbal Abuse, Work, Work Environment, Writing
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The choice of letting go and saying goodbye is never easy, yet the decision to hold on is even harder. I have let go of hopes, dreams, relationships, redemption and written my goodbyes many times in the past, but every morning I regret my choices and my decisions to hold on… This was the beginning of the post I was working on last Saturday, what was to follow was going to be my final words then swallow every bit of medication I had and finally be at peace. Instead I ended up in the psych ward at Abbot where I stayed until yesterday against my doctors and others advice. I didn’t see the point in staying, all they did was drug me to the point where all I could do was sleep. I was at a crossroads where I knew whether I chose to stay or go I was leaving in worse shape when wen I went in. When I walked out of the hospital and reality came crashing down on me I knew right then and there that I fucked up choosing to go to begin with, yet again regretting my decision to hold on. So I am back where I started but with a bit more inner strength then I had before because I received a mental vacation, but seriously how long will that last? The answer will come in the next week or so as I sit back and see how everything plays out between my job, dream, finances, and relationships. I feel I am at the point where depending on how these things play out will determine my future.

My life is riddled with mistakes, and regrets each one adding to the greater mound of shit called life. At this moment three key things come to mind, keep in mind this is not in chronological order of importance.

  1. Failing at fixing all the problems at the nursing home I work at to improve the quality of life of the residents I have grown to care for so deeply.
  2. Giving up on my dreams of becoming a writer or an artist.
  3. Not finding redemption for the countless number of lives I have destroyed in my 35 years on this earth.
  4. Not following through with shit on November 26th.

I think what it comes down to is acceptance. I need to accept that I won’t ever be more than I am right now. I have to finally accept I won’t ever be able to help the residents where I work. I don’t know what’s worse giving up on my dreams or trying to redeem myself by helping people just like me who can’t help themselves. I have done shitty things; I have poisoned and hurt everyone and everything I have ever touched. Many of my poems touch on this concept of being a “virus.”

For over six years I have worked so hard to make up for all the pain and suffering I have caused by reducing the pain and suffering the residents at the nursing home I work for by the hands and decisions of the very same people who are supposed to care for and safe guard these residents. There are many good hearted people whom I work with who carry this burden of failure, if any of them are reading this they know the deep sorrow and feeling of helplessness of not being able to give these guys the proper quality of life they deserve.

I have been in business with and covered up things for “business associates” who wouldn’t hesitate putting a bullet in your head, but being involved with and covering up for an employer who is a non-profit and allows vulnerable adults and employees to be harassed mistreated and discriminated against is far worse in my eyes. There are many people at the nursing home I work at who see the same things I see but do not act; as Haile Selassie so eloquently put it

Throughout history, it has been the inaction of those who could have acted; the indifference of those who should have known better; the silence of the voice of justice when it mattered most; that has made it possible for evil to triumph.”

All of the people involved in my past life and unfortunately as of late too much of my current life chose “the life” and in the end we all end up in one of two places, we deserve whatever end to our means no matter how horrific or painful. Our residents on the other hand do not deserve the means that transpire until their end comes.

This is my apology to the residents that have come and gone who failed to receive the proper quality of life they deserved. I am sorry that I can no longer continue to fight for the change needed, it is destroying me. My old associates showed more mercy delivering people to their end, than the people I work for now. The people employed by this company who care are used and pushed until they break while the predators are allowed to continue to prey.

Non-profits are not supposed to be run like a criminal organization where fear and intimidation rule. Non-profits are supposed to be built upon something called “Duty of care.” If any one of the “criminals” who work at this nursing home is reading this let me define what duty of care means.

“Duty of care is the moral and legal obligation to attend to the safety and wellbeing of those they serve, those who work for them and others who come into contact with their operations.”

Now to wrap things up there may be some people who do not understand what the title of this entry has to do with the content. Below is a Youtube link of Justin Furstenfeld performing the song “Graceful Dancing.” After hearing his introduction to this powerful song, and seeing the familiar emotions during his performance I decided to check myself into the hospital which drastically changed the content of this post. For that I thank the artist and the person who posted this video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCFpgfvPGZo&list=PLIWCEQoVmfdHIakN42xTrXYjPnE6I3EHB&index=55

 

Never Ending Night Frame 3Puppet Master Frame 4

 

https://www.etsy.com/shop/TheRandomArtist

Both drawings are limited numbered and signed, and come with a free signed copy of the poem.

 

Check it out

There is a place we go

Where we cannot find light

Our eyes adjusted

To our own twisted Plight

We hide in places

Live with fright

Within this never-ending night

We roam

We seek

In search of light

Mind to fucked to speak

Within his never-ending night

We reach our hands up high

Seeking comfort from imaginary hands

We find nothing

Only the pain

Which never went away

No end in sight

Within this never-ending night

Scream all you want

No one will hear

Reality is no one is there

I seek

Until my knees are weak

Reality setting in

I have traveled nowhere

Trapped within

My suffocating box

I am in this never-ending night

A feeble prayer

To a God who was never there

The time has come

Within this box

My mind rots

No air

No light

No hope

Only madness

Brought on from my never-ending night

My cold dark stare

nothing is something

Better

Than living in my never-ending night

In my hands

I hold the key

My only freedom

Only escape

From my never-ending night

One blissful pull

I enter into the light

It amazes me how quickly I can be beaten down. How easily I can fall apart. How little I can handle. How easily I can lie to myself. Its borderline delusional laced with denial. Happiness and hope are things I cannot know, let alone ever have. I want the acceptance, of knowing things will never be alright. I want the comfort that comes from embracing this reality. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to think. Life was better when I was dead inside. It is so much better than to continue living a lie.

God’s Little White Lie

Fall begins and everything dies

No more time to live a lie

If you think you can save me

With one last note or plea

You’d be wrong

I lack the crucial will to be strong

 

A teardrop may come from your eyes

But then you would be living a lie

As you exit the doors

You realized you just worshiped a whore

The last leaf falls from the tree

Desperately seeking the love of the three

 

Where I am no one can go

The Grim Reaper begins to row

I sought the chance to be free

Never again shall I touch the three

To escape from the pain

I gracefully opened my vein

 

Left to right

Within my sight would soon be light

Nothing came as I lay

It was at this point I began to pray

My body goes limp

There was no savior to lead me on this trip

Darkness is all this brought

No more pain and agony in my thoughts

 

Nothingness is what awaits me

No angles to set me free

Blood dripping from freshly cut veins

O’Lord release me from my pains

I reach up towards the heavens in the sky

At this point I realized it’s all a lie

By: Tim Lundmark

A while ago I wrote a post about my current projects. Since then a few things have been finished and a few of my projects have been altered, because I am a shameful promoter I would like to give an update on my progress. Things have been progressing nicely although there are some tedious things causing me to dread the process. Feedback is always needed.

Dylan Thomas: This is a children’s book series written in poetry form. The goal is to create stories which appeal to ages 2-10. I want the rhyming and lush drawings to not only draw the kids in, but also make the stories enjoyable for the parents as well. I have completed the first story “Dylan Thomas: Finds His Courage.” Currently it is in the illustration phase and will be released the end of September. I hope to have the next installment “Dylan Thomas: Bedtime Songs” I hope to have this available for sale by February 2011 or sooner.

This series is probably the only way I will make any money from my writing, and hopefully this series will help me land a literary agent. The stories will follow the same flow as far as the rhyming poetry, but the illustrations will change. I think this is exciting because it will keep things fresh. The illustrator Jeff Chia has one more page to complete, and my sister Cailee is doing the editing. I hope to have everything but together by September 1st. This will allow me a month to ensure everything looks good on the actual book. I am a quarter done with the next installment.

Yin; A poetry chapbook chronicling my dark side. I have already finished this book, and should be released before November 2010.

This is completed with all poems in my journal. I just need to type and edit. I hope to have this out by November. I will either sell “Yin” and “Yang” separately or combine them into one book. If I were to combine them into one I would set it up where “Yin” is on one side and “Yang” on the other. I am planning on setting them up as pocket books.

Yang; A poetry chapbook chronicling my light side. I have already finished this book, and should be released before November 2010

Politico; Working Title This poetry chapbook focuses on my political and theological perspectives. This book is also finished with an expected release date before November 2010.

This book will contain my political, philosophical, and theological points of view. There is a website called Politico, so I am unsure if the name is copyrighted or not. If it is I will have to get their blessings to use their names. There were plenty political poems in “My Descent into Madness,” and seemed to be well received.

The Mind of a Madman: (working title) this is a novel written in poetry form describing the inner workings of a psychopath in the making, and his journey into madness, starting from the time of conception up until… the rest will be a surprise. This has been a difficult book to work on, the places these poems take me is very dark. If I spend too much time there I may become a product of my words.

I have been all over the place in writing this one. I am jumping around to different phases of the main characters’ life. I am planning on telling this story strictly in poetry form or if I should add some narrative to it. This is taking longer than I expected, because I can only stay a short time in this mans mind.

The Philosophy of Me: The life and mind of no one special: This will be a book based off 365 days of my blogging entries. This will appeal to my fans wanting all my entries in print, and introduce the site to new readers. I will also use this as part of my portfolio.

I received an e-mail from a reader saying she would purchase this even though it is just an edited version of my blog. I suppose if one person would enjoy it than others may as well.

My Journey Through Taoism; This will include every verse from the Tao Te Ching along with my quest into understanding and living the Tao. Many books are written by experts. I hope to relate to readers who are new to Taoism by explaining my journey seeking understanding. At the end of each chapter I will be including a poem based off the verse. I do not want to rush this; so I am unaware of a release date 

This will be written in real time chronicling my quest into understanding Taoism. This book is the reason I stopped adding verses in my blog. I don’t want too many books to cross pollinate. I am enjoying this project because I can spend a few weeks working on each verse which will really bring me closer to the Way. In writing this in the perspective of someone seeking the Way it may help others understand it better and assist them on their journey. 

The Humor In Theology; I was originally going to write a descriptive timeline and the evolution of religion. I realized this book would only appeal to a certain audience. I was becoming overwhelmed with the mighty scope of this project. I decided to stick with the theology aspect but instead write it in a humorous way. I think this will be informative as well as funny.

I changed this from a serious educational book into a comedy. I will look into religions of the past and current beliefs and point out the goofiness of what people believe. There is a religion in Africa which believed their God vomited up the entire universe. This is just one of the silly beliefs people hold onto. It is amazing how people completely abandon logic in the name of faith.

The Philosophy of Quotes: Everyone loves quotes, and it seems each person may walk away with different perspectives on the meaning of these quotes. This book explains my philosophical view on the meaning of quotes. I hope to turn this into multiple volumes; each volume will be broken down by letters of the alphabet. I am excited to take a deeper look at my favorite quotes. 

I thought I would enjoy this one, but I have been running into a little bit of frustrations. My mind will not shift into this mode, which is holding this bad boy up.

Deceived: (working title.) This book examines how the Christian religion has allowed itself to be destroyed by the word of man. I have read the Bible a number of times; once because of faith, once as a theologian, and once as a skeptic. You would be amazed how much the bible has been changed to not only create copyrights, but to change the original meaning of the “Word of God” to fit mans needs. This book will be written entirely on a non-biased theological way looking strictly at the Word.

If I want to properly do this one I will need to focus 100% of my attention on it. I will need to simultaneously read three to four separate versions of the Bible. I started this awhile back and read the first couple chapters of Genesis, and it made my head hurt. I really think this project has potential, but with the amount of time I have to work on my writing it would take a year or two and I am not sure if I want to make that type of commitment on something which may not reap what I sowed.

On a side note I have thought of releasing my poetry books with commentary as far as what I was feeling and the meaning. I tend to write in abstract ways and I have had people tell me they get lost in finding the true meaning. I just wonder if this is sacrilegious with poetry because poetry is meant to be subjective to the reader. I am worried my poems may lose some of its luster if I add commentary. On the flip side some of my dedicated readers may care enough to know the story behind the poem.

What are your thoughts? Do you think I may be wasting my time with some of these books? I am starting my quest today to find an agent and I wonder if they want to see complete projects or is a concept enough to wet their whistle.

I have never responded well to conventional therapy, for some reason I can not stick with it. My logical thought behind that is in therapy you are forced to see who you really are. I already loath my existence and to discover more flaws about myself is only that much more earth shattering. I know I will never be good enough as a husband, father, and person.

This is why I get tattoos, I hope when I put art on my body somehow it improves me as a person. The same is true with expressing myself through piercings, or an anti-conforming appearance. I do these things to disguise and change the piece of shit I am. When I am lucky enough to get one of these things it makes me feel better about myself.

I have no self-worth of who I am. It is so painful knowing you fail in every aspect of your existence. To look in the mirror and hate your own reflection. Everything I touch; begins to decay and eventually dies. With all these things I continue to open my eyes in the morning. Why? If the world knew how I felt inside; there would be a mercy killing. I do not know how to go on. I am unable to weep, because my tears are contained within this stone wall. I am unable to feel joy, because of my thorn shackles.

I have found three coping methods, which allows me to tap into my inner feelings. It acts as the glass against my wall. The trifecta is music, the Tao, and writing. It is these three things which allows my tears to flow, find internal strength, and express myself without judgement. Like the drugs I have drowned myself in, these things only work when they are soaked into my existence.

I write because I need to. I would love nothing more than to be heard by the masses. I am a realist and know my dreams will never come to fruition, like so many things in my life is a hollow dream filled with false hopes. I wake up from this dream, and realize it is what it is; a dream. It has no barring in reality.

I still write, because I continue to follow this delusion that I have talent. There are millions of people who blog, and try to write books, and there are millions who fail. My history of failures only ensure the same outcome. I still write, because for a moment I feel relief. Everytime I metaphorically kill myself it stops me for a moment of literally becoming free.

I find internal strength and hope in being a better man through the Tao Te Ching. This to is short-lived unless I study, reflect, and write everyday. When I leave the words of Lao-tzu the Tao leaves me, and I become what I really am.

No words, no force, no false self-worth can change fate; no matter how many times I try to delude myself. For a fleeting moment my thorn shackles are off and I am allowed to roam these four walls. I try to find an escape. I see the blood and realize an exit doesn’t exist; I end up yearning for the pain my shackles bring.

Music allows me to cry in private, not to show my weakness to a cruel unforgiving world. It is in the words, the arrangements, and feeling which truly touch me. I find myself and lessons within song. I find sadness, strength, and hope. I experience another fleeting moment of serenity which is short-lived no matter how long I listen. I admire their talents and gifts.

All these things mean nothing. It is a vapor from which I desperately try to grab a hold of. It is the ghost of hope, the fairy tales of religion. I used to fear cancer to a point of panic. I welcome and pray for this black death. I deserve the suffering it will bring. No matter how many times I yearned for the peaceful hand of the reaper, I feared the loss of my existence. I no longer fear the reality of a hand which will not greet me.

Some may read this and feel concerned, some may call to see how I am, and others may offer words of encouragement. Please save me the embarrassment of hearing lies. Concern from those who do not care is meaningless, calls from those who don’t will fall on unanswered lines, and encouragement from those who know nothing of my four walls will mean nothing.

Lost in song, words of old, and I write. For now I cry, for now there is hope, for now I am not judged, for now I am.

I am giving my published book “My Descent into Madness” away for free. My publisher is ripping me off by not giving me credit for books sold. I made a vow to cease all marketing for this book and even canceled interviews, and readings. I then realized my whole point when this book was published was for people to read my words. I don’t really care about the money.

If you are interested in receiving a digital copy of my book, please e-mail me at tlundmark@missionsinc.org or thephilosophyofme@yahoo.com please allow a day or two to e-mail you. I ask one thing in return; when you finish the book, please e-mail me a review of the book so I can post on my website. This copy may have some minor spelling mistakes, because it is the unedited version. Here is a little about the book.

“My Descent into Madness,” It was August 2009, I had just crashed from a manic episode. I was taking Chantix which was causing me to go deeper down the insanity hole. I just kept getting worse and worse. I hit the lowest low, and wanted to die so I could no longer feel the way I did. I wrote a note to my family. I kept reading it over and over, and I felt I was not saying enough. I wanted them to know the depths of my suffering.

I have always been able to write poems; until then I never kept them. I would just write and they would end up getting tossed. I started a journal, and I was determined to convey my pain, so their grieving was not that bad. The final entry was dated February 8th 2010.

I was able to crawl out of the darkness, with the help of my family, and the Tao Te Ching I was able to see some light. My wife found this self publishing site, so I went for it. It did not take long to get published. The accomplishment of having my work get published is hard to put into words. I want to share my words to as many people as I can, so if you are interested in a copy drop me a line. I would like to recommend some sites to my readers.

woodka.com     

ramblingtaoist.blogspot.com       

wordwand.wordpress.com

bipolarbeauti.wordpress.com        

1markt.wordpress.com          

hames1977.wordpress.com     

Please support these fantastic sites.