“I Don’t Know If God Exists, But It Would Be Better For His Reputation If He Didn’t.” Jules Renard

I just came across this quote and it gave me a mild thinkgasim. I consider myself a theologian and I am shocked I have never explored this concept as it pertains to the divine. I asked myself if I were God would I want to take credit for this world and the perpetuating evil conducted by the “men made in his likeness” I would say fuck that blame it on the intern and live to corrupt another day. 

“When desire dies, fear is born.” Baltasar Gracian

No one understand that whomever is up there hates me. It’s crazy for anybody to stick their necks out for me, because after all the misery I’ve caused… I’m not worth it. But everyone is so determined to be altruistic. They can’t… Won’t see that. God only knows the pain I am in. My failures to be “sane” is just more blame to be cut into my final tally. 

I have people who loved me, does that not count for something? The first rule of the universe, you watch out for number one. Soft emotions are just what your enemy uses against you. Friends, family… they all end up pawns in this Cosmic game of chess… and the secret to Life Is Knowing When to say “game over.” I don’t need to kill myself, quite soon I’ll be pulled into the negative sphere of my mind… and simply explode. I am already in terminal descent… farewell.

“There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad.” – Salvador Dali

I have seen worlds die, most die by their own star. Some worlds are murdered the clock ticks. What begins must, end the newly-born contain the seeds of their own destruction. Those of us who accept what comes to all we live in freedom and die in grace. For those who fear and deny death, becomes deaths slave. The destructive seed within them turns outward.

They… we… become killers. By accident,  or by intent. Does it really make a difference? We become killers of spirit… then killers of flesh.

I was deaths undying servant I wore a servant’s mask I was above death slave. I was innocent of the murders. I followed a higher order until my orders were lies. This blood now on my hands. I have done this I was deaths herald. I am herald no more. I become death, the destroyer of worlds. 

My mind becoming the mechanism of destruction is unfortunate. Is it more unfortunate for non-human lifeforms to share man’s fate? We mourn their suffering, it will be brief. I mourn your suffering. I will endure… a little longer

I once lived. I once breathed. I felt pain, I lost them just as I have lost everything. 

There is a malignant force where a shadow once was. It isn’t death. Life can withstand death… Life transcends death. Nor does the evil reside in nature, nature is not the foundation. Nature is the movement, the interplay wind, fire, water, sound and fury signifying nothing… it’s only death, and I am not afraid of death. The atrocities I have done, I cannot undo.

We have yet to create a god to change this. I refuse to accept what IS. The will is already accomplished. The malignancy speaks to the masses how a man has butchered paradise. The land stinks with the blood of the murdered, the seas reek of their poisons, their fumes cloud the heavens. The masses confronted with their evil realize if confronted would we allow ourselves to colonize pristine planets. Would you allow us to spread our filth to the stars?

Why are we blinded by our insatiable hunger for greed that glutz itself on the lifeblood of worlds, of monsters who consume and consume until nothing is left. I loathe what we have become our future terrifies me.

I see a society of monsters followed by malignant shadows I know so well. Monsters don’t love as men do, we don’t sacrifice as men do we don’t know beauty or joy or friendship as men do. Our monsters are creatures of Illusion and fear. Fearing love… we hate… fearing death we kill. I am altogether mad yet persuasive. If the weak-willed heard my madness they would call it wisdom as a result lunacy leaps from mind to mind and a whole world tilts towards suicide. 

Mankind is mad this is true but the madness does not come form me If madness is the providence of men alone, then how can I explain my own insanity. I am no different from them. I lost my better nature and became a monsters puppet I have caused great harm. Is it too late to be redeemed?

When our madness finds the keys are actions prolong human torment and our own. We will not suffer for one man to live. We will destroy our creation. If compelled anyone can destroy me, they have that power. The greatest joy is to no longer fear death. When the fear of death diminishes, no one has power over me.

In my heart let me be reborn. Let my mind be purified. Let me bind myself to more than nothing… someone… something not unwillingly as I have… but by choice. 

I am dying like one of the old gods of men whose sacred blood was spilled to perpetuate a better and renewed life. We know sacrifice. Our first born on the altar, there is our human love. They will not thank you… I will suffer in vain

“Life may be not only meaningless but absurd.” Thomas Nagel

It is cold and lonely in here. Locked away, as easy as being thrown away. If there is a God why would he play such a sadistic trick on me… I am the puppet he abuses when he becomes filled with anger and Wrath.

My existence, the reality of my existence so short and insignificant. In the grand scheme of things my life is but a short dull blip when compared to the cosmos.

My life holds no meaning when compared to this. Turning inward I ponder if this is what my short insignificant meaningless existence is. Honestly is this all it fucking is? Will there be anything else… anything more to this shit show?

Here is the face of evil and part of an ongoing blog series recounting the horrible story.

https://coms.doc.state.mn.us/publicviewer/OffenderDetails/Index/254746/Search

 

“Face the facts of being what you are, for that is what changes what you are.” -Soren Kierkegaard

I don’t belong in civilized society less my madness be spread to the masses. Over the last few years the madness has become impossible to hide let alone deny. If my madness is factual and cannot be denied than what Kierkegaard is saying is the acknowledgment of my madness will inevitable perpetuate the insanity. 

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the positive self talk advice which is usually followed by the statement “fake it until you make it.” This statement encourages denial and self deception. 

Prior to my complete mental breakdown I lived in a reality of self denial and false realities. 

Day after day I wore the mask of the masses, until I no longer had the strength to put one on. As I have stated in prior posts this shift occurred once I discovered emotions, the evil which lives in all of us. I cannot contain my crazy because I lack a social filter. This deficiency causes me to stay locked away alone in my home. Isolation is like throwing gasoline onto a fire. 

A recent example was getting thrown out of stamp dealer store. This dude was being a dick, what’s worse is I was fully aware of his strategy. To make a long story short this man was not expecting nor appreciated the verbal vomit of honesty spewing from my lips. I don’t know if it was my honesty or my liberal use of the word “fuck.” The end result is being permantely banned from this establishment. My honesty being without a filter almost got me arrested. 

The Pandora ‘s box of my insanity and the curse of seeing the truth of our society, a society blinded by complacency and ignorance. Most great minds are plagued with madness, they must have faced the facts of their reality and still have the courage to use it as a tool to enact change. 

The following link leads to the face of true evil.

https://coms.doc.state.mn.us/publicviewer/OffenderDetails/Index/254746/Search 

“As a child of God, I am greater than anything that can happen to me.” Abdul Kalam

Oh sweet religion, the only concept where you are praised for delusional thinking. So delusional you become detached from logic and reasoning. This is followed by encouraging an entire group of like minded delusional thinkers to plan one day a week where they can all go to a building built on a foundation of pure insanity. What happens within those walls is what makes religion stand alone as man’s most destructive creations. 

I have come a long way from the days of intensely trying to save all of these poor delusional people before they cause any further damage. I am more open minded and speak softly during discussions on theology. I came across this quote a few days ago, and it has been bothering me to the point where I have to get into the always risky “I don’t give a fuck what I say next” delusional writing. 

To be completely honest with you I sometimes wish I could be delusional enough to have what they call “Faith.” Over the last year I have tried to find faith… it’s always a star which is just out of reach. 

There are so many places to go with this, but I am in no shape to write intellectually here, so Google “The Problem of Evil” Please remove any abd all delusional thinking and read to understand, use logic to guide you. 

This is great it saves me the time and energy and places it on your shoulders. Stay delusional, or become enlightened. 

Can Holy Wars Be Justified?

“If there is a God, the phrase that must disgust him is – holy war.”
Steve Allen

Would a Holy War really disgust God, or would he smile in approval? I suppose this may depend upon which God you believe in. I know with certainty that Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism would never teach nor condone a Holy War of any sort. This does not mean they have never known war, because the east has known many, but none of these wars to my knowledge were based off the notion their religious beliefs dictated them to go to such a war. I think this is a bit different when it comes to Christianity or the Muslim faiths.

I was talking religion with my dad awhile back, and the topic of the Quran came up, and he went on and on about how the Quran promotes violence and the killing of infidels. I immediately disagreed with him. I told him the Quran teaches peace, it is just misread by the extremists. We went back and forth on this topic and finally I told him I would read the Quran and prove him wrong. I have read various different religious texts but for some reason I have never given the Quran a detailed look. I figured this would be a great learning experience for me. I think I may have bitten off a little more than I could chew!

I kept putting this chore off because I was a bit intimidated by this daunting task I had just committed to. When I had a free minute here or there I would pick it up and skim through it. Although I must admit I couldn’t really get into it all that much. The reading was rather dry, kind of like the Old Testament. I could not put my full attention into the reading. Through the brief reading I did, I must say I found some evidence of the Quran promoting violence. These scriptures are not that vague, as to be completely misunderstood, in fact they are rather to the point.

 “Let those fight in the way of Allah who sell the life of this world for the other. Whoso fighteth in the way of Allah, be he slain or be he victorious, on him We shall bestow a vast reward.” Quran 4:74

“I will cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. Therefore strike off their heads and strike off every fingertip of them” Quran 8:12

 “If thou comest on them in the war, deal with them so as to strike fear in those who are behind them, that haply they may remember.”Quran 8:57

“O you who believe! fight those of the unbelievers who are near to you and let them find in you hardness.” Quran 9:123

In my research I had found a total of 109 verses in the Quran calling Muslims to war against non-believers. I am certain if you read these verses and considered them in the historical context of the writings, these verses may mean something completely different. This however is not the point, what matters is how current day Muslims would consider these, and many other verses, would apply today. This then got me thinking about Christians and their stance on war against non-believers. The Bible is just as guilty as the Quran, as it promotes violence against those who believe differently. I included some verses I have come across in the Bible. I know Trey (The Rambling Taoist) could offer many other examples.

“The LORD said to Moses, “Take vengeance on the Midianites for the Israelites. After that, you will be gathered to your people.”  So Moses said to the people, “Arm some of your men to go to war against the Midianites and to carry out the LORD’s vengeance on them.” Numbers Chapter 31 Verse 1-3

“The LORD is a warrior; the LORD is his name.” Exodus 15:3

“I tell you that to everyone who has, more shall be given, but from the one who does not have, even what he does have shall be taken away. But these enemies of mine, who did not want me to reign over them, bring them here and slay them in my presence. Luke 19:26-27 **Note this was Jesus speaking**

Also, in Deuteronomy Chapter 13 verses 6-16, God is instructing his believers to go out on a murdering spree killing all those who worship any one but him. The verse is rather long, so if you are interested I encourage you to check it out. I think within these few verses you get the feeling that both the Bible and the Quran do not always teach peace. Both God and Allah are jealous and vengeful towards those who believe differently. In the wrong hands these few verses can and do lead to “justifiable” Holy Wars. I am not sure I believe the God of the Quran or the God of the Bible would be disgusted with a Holy War, possibly they would encourage one if it meant that in the end the survivors believed in Him and Him alone.

 

Sorry for the repost

“Every Intelligent Individual Wants to Know What Makes Him Tick.”

“Every intelligent individual wants to know what makes him tick, and yet is at once fascinated and frustrated by the fact that oneself is the most difficult of all things to know.” – Alan Watts

I don’t know who I really am. In fact I don’t even know how to describe where I am at this exact moment. My mind is foggy… just as Venus is trapped in a reverse green house effect. My intelligence and cognitive functioning gets trapped in the atmosphere, there is no reprieve from suffering, trapped and unable to escape.

In time everything is cooked. Water evaporates with nowhere to go. Gases formed toxicity of death. Mymind is Venus’s mirror the history of our solar system being replayed and recreated within my mind. A reverse Greenhouse effect of the psyche. Everything’s chaotic so many intense feelings, emotions, and just fucking everything.

Where once Venus supported life, my mind as well promoted life by feeling all this hurt and pain purged from my mind and released into the empty space of passing and forgotten thoughts. The chaotic intensity so vivid and crazy is unable to escaped. Trapping the madness and depression cooking my very being, evaporating hope and happiness with only chaotic Insanity. Rational gases of Doubt anxiety fear sadness take over my mental planets the ability to verbalize or explain, the ability to ask for help to be happy to have hope is just as trapped. I am toxic and just as lifeless… as Venus

Graceful Dancing

The choice of letting go and saying goodbye is never easy, yet the decision to hold on is even harder. I have let go of hopes, dreams, relationships, redemption and written my goodbyes many times in the past, but every morning I regret my choices and my decisions to hold on… This was the beginning of the post I was working on last Saturday, what was to follow was going to be my final words then swallow every bit of medication I had and finally be at peace. Instead I ended up in the psych ward at Abbot where I stayed until yesterday against my doctors and others advice. I didn’t see the point in staying, all they did was drug me to the point where all I could do was sleep. I was at a crossroads where I knew whether I chose to stay or go I was leaving in worse shape when wen I went in. When I walked out of the hospital and reality came crashing down on me I knew right then and there that I fucked up choosing to go to begin with, yet again regretting my decision to hold on. So I am back where I started but with a bit more inner strength then I had before because I received a mental vacation, but seriously how long will that last? The answer will come in the next week or so as I sit back and see how everything plays out between my job, dream, finances, and relationships. I feel I am at the point where depending on how these things play out will determine my future.

My life is riddled with mistakes, and regrets each one adding to the greater mound of shit called life. At this moment three key things come to mind, keep in mind this is not in chronological order of importance.

1. Failing at fixing all the problems at the nursing home I work at to improve the quality of life of the residents I have grown to care for so deeply.
2. Giving up on my dreams of becoming a writer or an artist.
3. Not finding redemption for the countless number of lives I have destroyed in my 35 years on this earth.
4. Not following through with shit on November 26^th.

I think what it comes down to is acceptance. I need to accept that I won’t ever be more than I am right now. I have to finally accept I won’t ever be able to help the residents where I work. I don’t know what’s worse giving up on my dreams or trying to redeem myself by helping people just like me who can’t help themselves. I have done shitty things; I have poisoned and hurt everyone and everything I have ever touched. Many of my poems touch on this concept of being a “virus.”

For over six years I have worked so hard to make up for all the pain and suffering I have caused by reducing the pain and suffering the residents at the nursing home I work for by the hands and decisions of the very same people who are supposed to care for and safe guard these residents. There are many good hearted people whom I work with who carry this burden of failure, if any of them are reading this they know the deep sorrow and feeling of helplessness of not being able to give these guys the proper quality of life they deserve.

I have been in business with and covered up things for “business associates” who wouldn’t hesitate putting a bullet in your head, but being involved with and covering up for an employer who is a non-profit and allows vulnerable adults and employees to be harassed mistreated and discriminated against is far worse in my eyes. There are many people at the nursing home I work at who see the same things I see but do not act; as Haile Selassie so eloquently put it

“Throughout history, it has been the inaction of those who could have acted; the indifference of those who should have known better; the silence of the voice of justice when it mattered most; that has made it possible for evil to triumph.”

All of the people involved in my past life and unfortunately as of late too much of my current life chose “the life” and in the end we all end up in one of two places, we deserve whatever end to our means no matter how horrific or painful. Our residents on the other hand do not deserve the means that transpire until their end comes.

This is my apology to the residents that have come and gone who failed to receive the proper quality of life they deserved. I am sorry that I can no longer continue to fight for the change needed, it is destroying me. My old associates showed more mercy delivering people to their end, than the people I work for now. The people employed by this company who care are used and pushed until they break while the predators are allowed to continue to prey.

Non-profits are not supposed to be run like a criminal organization where fear and intimidation rule. Non-profits are supposed to be built upon something called “Duty of care.” If any one of the “criminals” who work at this nursing home is reading this let me define what duty of care means.

“Duty of care is the moral and legal obligation to attend to the safety and wellbeing of those they serve, those who work for them and others who come into contact with their operations.”

Now to wrap things up there may be some people who do not understand what the title of this entry has to do with the content. Below is a Youtube link of Justin Furstenfeld performing the song “Graceful Dancing.” After hearing his introduction to this powerful song, and seeing the familiar emotions during his performance I decided to check myself into the hospital which drastically changed the content of this post. For that I thank the artist and the person who posted this video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCFpgfvPGZo&list=PLIWCEQoVmfdHIakN42xTrXYjPnE6I3EHB&index=55

 

God Needs Love To Stay Relevant.

“Human beings must be known to be loved; but Divine beings must be loved to be known.”
Blaise Pascal

Imagine if society as we know it were to completely crumble, ravaged with war, along with our complete loss of technology. Countries would soon begin to crumble; social unrest would cause unimaginable destruction. Lets take our imagination exercise further; during all of this chaos and destruction, only 5-10% of the human population survived. All technology and anything related to it is gone, and very few things such as books, paintings, or structures remain. Being resilient creatures it is only logical mankind will slowly start to re-build.

Everything we know today would be a distant memory. Soon future generations would have no idea what “The Mona Lisa” looked like, or in some cases didn’t even know it had existed. Now imagine if the Bible and all other religious scriptures had been destroyed in the mayhem. With every passing generation the concept of religion as we know it today would have all but disappeared. It would be foolish not to factor in the 5-10% of those who survived, for arguments sake lets say there was no one dominant believe system among the survivors. The people who survived each carried with them one of our many different theological beliefs, but no religious doctrine survived.

Let us continue down this rabbit hole of imagination and say a few Greek Mythology books survived the downfall of man (Yes I am aware this can be considered theology, but I include it only because unfortunately it has been downgraded to “mythology”.) Future generations would logically begin to worship Zeus, and the many other Gods behind said “mythology” and believe this to be religious fact. Even if these books did not exist it is possible for a new generation to create a completely different religion based on the remnants from the downfall. Of course these remnants would be added to with stories passed down from generation to generation.

I feel it is impossible to have a society without the driving force of religion; whether it is to calm fears or to control the population. Religion although perverted and corrupt is a necessity; eventually new religions would be formed to meet these needs. Imagine if the book “Moby Dick” survived the collapse of man. All it would take is one charismatic individual to start preaching the “religious” lessons contained in this book, and just like that a new religion is born. In time as other books are collected they are added to the “Holy Scripture.” Let’s say “Huckleberry Finn,” “Hamlet,” and “The Lord of the Rings” also survived. These various works of fiction are then woven together in a collection of stories to form a new Bible, and out they go to preach the Word, promising life hereafter in Middle Earth.

People are hardwired to need religion in their life, if this were not the case religion would have died out long ago as man discovered science and logic, because of this primal hardwiring they would latch onto this with all their might, replacing, refuting, and stumping scientific and logical advancements. I am sure whoever put this “Bible” together would take some liberties and add their own material just like the Catholics did when choosing which books to include in the Bible. This new congregation would set out to spread the gospels of William Shakespeare, J.R.R. Tolkien, Mark Twain, and Herman Melville, murdering all those who believed differently then they do. In time this religion and its created deities would become reality.

Now here is my question. If all of these things were to actually happened, then does the God of the Bible now cease to exist? If no one knew what a Bible even was, would the God of the Bible come down and start interacting with humans to show us he still existed? Although God made a promise he would never do it again, would he burn then flood the entire world only leaving one family to partake in incest to rebuild the world? If we look at history there have been many different religions that people have blindly followed. As time passed newer, cooler, more convenient, and better suited religions for social control became dominant. Causing all of the long forgotten deities (sorry Zeus) to be left behind and forgotten.