Archive for the ‘Treatment’ Category

Graceful Dancing

Posted: May 16, 2015 in Absolute Truth, Abuse, Aging, America, Anxiety, Arguments, Atheism, Atheist, Bi-Polar, Bible, Blog, Blogging, Books, Brainwashed, Change, Charity, Charity Foundations, Christianity, Church, Community, Confessions, Coping, Corporate Culture, Crisis, Crooked Politicians, Culture, Death, Debates, Depression, Diary, Dilemma, Dreams, Duty of Care, Dying, Elderly, Emotional Abuse, Epic Battle, Ethics, Evil, Faith, Family, Fear, Forgiveness, God, Good, Good-byes, Greed, Grief, Haile Selassie, Insanity, Inside My Mind, Jesus, Journal, Lies and broken promises, Life, Lists, Living in fear, Logic, Love, Mania, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Minnesota, Misc, miscellaneous, Moral Theories, Morals, Motivation, Mourning, Nursing Homes, Opinion, Pain, Personal, Philosophy, Politics, Prayers, Progress, Psychosis, Quotes, Random, Random Thoughts, Rants, Reform, Rejection, Rights, Sadness, Self-esteem, Self-Help, Self-image, Social Debates, Social Injustices, Society, Sorrow, Spirituality, Stress, Suffering, Suicide, Suicide Note, The Bible, The Bucket List Foundation, The Philosophy of Quotes, Theology, TheRandomArtist, Thoughts, Treatment, Uncategorized, Unity, Verbal Abuse, Work, Work Environment, Writing
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The choice of letting go and saying goodbye is never easy, yet the decision to hold on is even harder. I have let go of hopes, dreams, relationships, redemption and written my goodbyes many times in the past, but every morning I regret my choices and my decisions to hold on… This was the beginning of the post I was working on last Saturday, what was to follow was going to be my final words then swallow every bit of medication I had and finally be at peace. Instead I ended up in the psych ward at Abbot where I stayed until yesterday against my doctors and others advice. I didn’t see the point in staying, all they did was drug me to the point where all I could do was sleep. I was at a crossroads where I knew whether I chose to stay or go I was leaving in worse shape when wen I went in. When I walked out of the hospital and reality came crashing down on me I knew right then and there that I fucked up choosing to go to begin with, yet again regretting my decision to hold on. So I am back where I started but with a bit more inner strength then I had before because I received a mental vacation, but seriously how long will that last? The answer will come in the next week or so as I sit back and see how everything plays out between my job, dream, finances, and relationships. I feel I am at the point where depending on how these things play out will determine my future.

My life is riddled with mistakes, and regrets each one adding to the greater mound of shit called life. At this moment three key things come to mind, keep in mind this is not in chronological order of importance.

  1. Failing at fixing all the problems at the nursing home I work at to improve the quality of life of the residents I have grown to care for so deeply.
  2. Giving up on my dreams of becoming a writer or an artist.
  3. Not finding redemption for the countless number of lives I have destroyed in my 35 years on this earth.
  4. Not following through with shit on November 26th.

I think what it comes down to is acceptance. I need to accept that I won’t ever be more than I am right now. I have to finally accept I won’t ever be able to help the residents where I work. I don’t know what’s worse giving up on my dreams or trying to redeem myself by helping people just like me who can’t help themselves. I have done shitty things; I have poisoned and hurt everyone and everything I have ever touched. Many of my poems touch on this concept of being a “virus.”

For over six years I have worked so hard to make up for all the pain and suffering I have caused by reducing the pain and suffering the residents at the nursing home I work for by the hands and decisions of the very same people who are supposed to care for and safe guard these residents. There are many good hearted people whom I work with who carry this burden of failure, if any of them are reading this they know the deep sorrow and feeling of helplessness of not being able to give these guys the proper quality of life they deserve.

I have been in business with and covered up things for “business associates” who wouldn’t hesitate putting a bullet in your head, but being involved with and covering up for an employer who is a non-profit and allows vulnerable adults and employees to be harassed mistreated and discriminated against is far worse in my eyes. There are many people at the nursing home I work at who see the same things I see but do not act; as Haile Selassie so eloquently put it

Throughout history, it has been the inaction of those who could have acted; the indifference of those who should have known better; the silence of the voice of justice when it mattered most; that has made it possible for evil to triumph.”

All of the people involved in my past life and unfortunately as of late too much of my current life chose “the life” and in the end we all end up in one of two places, we deserve whatever end to our means no matter how horrific or painful. Our residents on the other hand do not deserve the means that transpire until their end comes.

This is my apology to the residents that have come and gone who failed to receive the proper quality of life they deserved. I am sorry that I can no longer continue to fight for the change needed, it is destroying me. My old associates showed more mercy delivering people to their end, than the people I work for now. The people employed by this company who care are used and pushed until they break while the predators are allowed to continue to prey.

Non-profits are not supposed to be run like a criminal organization where fear and intimidation rule. Non-profits are supposed to be built upon something called “Duty of care.” If any one of the “criminals” who work at this nursing home is reading this let me define what duty of care means.

“Duty of care is the moral and legal obligation to attend to the safety and wellbeing of those they serve, those who work for them and others who come into contact with their operations.”

Now to wrap things up there may be some people who do not understand what the title of this entry has to do with the content. Below is a Youtube link of Justin Furstenfeld performing the song “Graceful Dancing.” After hearing his introduction to this powerful song, and seeing the familiar emotions during his performance I decided to check myself into the hospital which drastically changed the content of this post. For that I thank the artist and the person who posted this video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCFpgfvPGZo&list=PLIWCEQoVmfdHIakN42xTrXYjPnE6I3EHB&index=55

 

Why am I this way?

Manic one day depression the next

Mania kicks in mid-day

Audio and visual stimulation is the trigger

Hard to focus mind in chaos

Talking fast, impulsive decisions

Can’t sleep, mania gets worse

Kids see daddy sick

Why am I this way?

Peaceful mind hard to maintain

The medication kicks in mid-day

My illness is the trigger

Finally a moment of peace

Will this batch of meds work?

Normal conversation with my peers

I drift off to sleep

Kids see daddy well

Why am I this way?

Depression one day manic the next

Depression kicks in mid-day

Sadness and frustration are the triggers

Mind consumed with anger

Unbending sorrow craving death

Please just let me sleep

Kids see daddy sick

Why am I this way?

Happiness hard to find

The medication kicks in mid-day

My illness is the trigger

Finally a moment brief smile

I pray this batch of meds will work

Happy for who I am

Attentive father

Kids see daddy well

Why am I this way?

Panic one day paranoia the next

Relentless panic

Anything is the trigger

Can’t breathe, chest is caving in

Looming disaster all around me

Should I speak? Will my words condemn me?

I can’t deal with this

Kids see daddy sick

Why am I this way?

Comfort hard to sustain

The medication kicks in mid-day

My illness is the trigger

Finally a moment of safety

Will this consignment of meds will work

Doom and gloom are no where near

I can breathe

Kids see daddy well

Why am I this way?

Paranoid one day panic the next

Paranoia kicks in mid-day

Mania is the trigger

Everyone’s out to get me

My phones are tapped

Avoid talking cant incriminate myself

Can’t leave the house

Kids see daddy sick

Why am I this way?

There is no one I can trust

The medication kicks in mid-day

My illness is the trigger

Finally a moment of security

Can these meds work?

Cops no longer following me

Peaceful sleep I attain

Kids see daddy well

Why am I this way?

Hallucinations one day delusions the next

Voices tell me its mid-day

Lack of meds is the trigger

I see her turn into Big Bird

Is she real? Is it a costume? Did I really hear that?

Voices in my mind, which is no longer mine

They tell me to no longer sleep

Kids see daddy sick

Why am I this way?

Quieting the voices hard to do

The medication kicks in mid-day

My illness is the trigger

Finally I have my mind back

This batch of meds must work

No more Big Birds

Everything back to normal

Kids see daddy well

Why am I this way?

Delusions one day hallucinations the next

Where am I

I am you; we are me are triggers you

Fantasy bleeds into reality

I venture into the rabbit hole. Who am I?

What sense we make, don’t speak

Is my dream real, or am I in a dream?

Kids see daddy sick

 Why am I this way?

Insanity consumes me

The medication kicks in mid-day

My illness is the trigger

Finally a moment of sanity

I pray this batch of meds will work

I am a good husband

I am a good father

Kids see daddy well

 Today I am well

Until the next episode

I won’t have to ask

Why am I feeling this way?

By: Tim Lundmark

I have dealt with the demon of so-called  “addiction” since I was thirteen years old. I have been sent to treatment a few times, and have attempted to do the twelve steps. Looking back on my journey and the experiences I have gone through, I am unsure whether I can call this an illness. I consider entering this world and trying to get out of it is a choice not an illness.

I fully understand the effects drugs have on your mind and body if you allow yourself to let the drugs control you; over you controlling the drugs. It is when the drugs control you; it creates a problem, but not an illness. Throughout the process of transitioning between you controlling and the drugs controlling, you always have the choice to stop. The problem is you don’t want to stop, hence this is the choice you are making. It is when someone hits a bottom; then they finally make the choice to change.

I have felt the mental and physical effects of withdrawal. I know what it is like, and I am aware of the trials and tribulations you have to go through to kick the habit. What I don’t believe is when you hit that point you have an illness. Every decision you made to get where you are at this moment have all been your choices.

The choices you make while using, which hurt the ones you love, is not a result of your illness. This is a product of your selfishness, and only caring about yourself. Many people including myself use the term “illness” to try to justify their fuck up’s. Instead of taking responsibility for their choices, they justify and hide behind the label of illness.

I do not believe in AA, or the twelve steps. I think it is a form of brainwashing, which causes the individuals to become co-dependent on the program. Treatment centers should teach people to be strong and independent, instead of filling their heads with weakness. I do respect AA for the people they help get sober. This is a great accomplishment for the individual, and I will not minimize that achievement.

I feel their needs to be more alternative forms of treatment, to help those who can not buy into the program. People need options and they need to find what works for them. I have always wanted to create such an alternative treatment center. Perhaps after I get The Bucket List Foundation going I will give that a shot.

My biggest complaint against the AA program is step one and two where you need to admit you are powerless and the only thing which will deliver you from this powerlessness is admitting and handing things over to a higher power. They need to instill into these people that they don’t need a higher power, they need to discover their own personal strength within themselves. Relying on some fairy tale creature simply does not work.

My other issue with the powerless statement is saying you can never touch another substance again. They teach if you do use, then you risk your life falling apart. This is a true and untrue statement. One of the things you do in treatment is identify your drug of choice. This drug of choice is your danger zone. Lets say your drug of choice is meth, this does not mean you can never have a drink.

It is about identifying your risk areas and making the choice to not go there. You also need to be aware of where you are. If you start to drink, you need to identify if and when it starts becoming a problem. If you notice this you need to make that choice to cease and desist you actions.

I am and always have been for the legalization of drugs. This would cure many of the things wrong with society, yes it would create some negatives, but they do not out weigh the positives. You would decrease prison population, and the destroyed lives over trying to survive with a felony on your record. The legalization of drugs, if run by the government would create an enormous amount of money. It is unbelievable that alcohol is legal, but marijuana is not. The negatives alcohol causes our society is no where near what marijuana does.

I do not think schools handle drug prevention in a proper way. If they tell kids all the propaganda about how marijuana is so horrible, then when the time comes they try it they realize they were told lies. If the time comes when they are offered stronger drugs, they will not believe what they were taught. It was “Basketball Diaries” which kept me from trying heroin. I saw what that drug did, and made the choice to not explore that. There is the word again “choice.” Everyone has that ability to make that choice. If they decide to smoke meth… well they deserve what ever comes next.

I will never judge someone for using drugs. I do not have an issue with it as long as this person is still able to contribute and properly function within the society. If they allow the drugs to control them, and they cease to be able to function then we have a problem. Everything we do or become in life is a result of our choices.

In the end people will use drugs whether they are legal or not. We will never win the drug war. We need better prevention and support to help those who have made a string of shitty choices.