Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

I avoid mirrors, I simply can’t handle seeing my own reflection. I naturally have a difficult time making eye contact with anyone, fearing they will see through my mask. The rare moments I make eye contact with the man in the Mirror I grow weary and this is what came out.

My faces of evil

Cleverly hidden 

My eyes…

The window into a voidless darkness…

Soulless 

Stare too long and he takes you away

“Grab my hand”

“I will take this pain away”

“Follow me into the shadows”

“Fear not of voided thoughts”

“Shed no tears”

“We have lived beyond our years”

“Trust in me”

“To take the pain away”

Behind my children’s eyes
They weep, they cry
Standing by while flowers die
No hope upon this stage
Locked away in my cage
They cry
Regardless of our futile tries
Seeing their eyes
Hearing their cries
Inside I slowly die
To know their pain
Daddy has gone insane
To be the cause, attacking with verbal claws
Suddenly I pause
Realizing a life of lies
Failed tries
All the things which bring tears to their eyes
The fractured parts lay bare to see
Hating myself for being me
With holy sighs
Wishing I couldn’t hear my children’s cries
Stop their tears
Ease all fears
The lies
The fights
Fucking sleepless nights
The lies
Sorrow in their eyes 

The Darkness Wins Again

Posted: May 1, 2017 in Uncategorized

My mind is in a cyclcycal state of desolate, stranded on an island without a raft. When the darkness returned, it had been so long since we last crossed paths as if I never knew you before. Yet your touch… so familiar. Your in my mind, cold grasp upon my soul. I attempt to scream “Be gone vile demon!” Yet the words won’t come out. 

Religion means nothing in deaths mind. Once he comes for you he doesn’t turn back. I shall hide in my dreams staying unaware of reality lost. If he penetrates my Sanctuary our only option is to take his hand as we cross the river of Lost Souls.

Deaths hand springs forth calming fears. His cold comes with comfort. Reaching my final resting place an empty Island were Souls eternity in my never-ending nightmare resting alone.

I may be doing many posts between now and tomorrow afternoon. I have to get the most important ones recorded. 

We are supposed to celebrate the date of our birth, and when your birthday comes around you celebrate life in all its glory. I hate my date of birth, the Alpha of all my pain and suffering. I despise this day i downright fucking loathe it! In the grand scheme of our insignificanyly meaningless lives I am amazed at the power a date can hold. On this day I like to reflect on how much better everyone would be had this day and my birth not happened. This is not a day to celebrate its a day to mourn and may God have mercy on my soul if I am still here a year from now.

Happy Worst possible result of unprotected sex day. 

Today has been a hellish whore, who desperately wanted me to lightly pull on deaths tool. So consumed emotions so far out of control so painful fucking wanted it to all stop. Immediately I reached for deaths tool and instead punched a fucking flat-screen so damn hard, broke my hand and the intense pain left deaths tool untethered 

Mindless Journaling

Posted: June 20, 2016 in Uncategorized

I’m used to being sick at least in the mental sort of way but there’s always been some sort of Outlet for my craziness to be for lack of a better word tunneled in the healthiest way to avoid this I have nothing to focus this crazy onto accept myself it’s a fucking nightmare fucking nightmare. I am in a new kind of darkness, the kind of darkness where people never get out. I don’t like it here.

Cognitive Dissonance

Posted: June 1, 2016 in Uncategorized

I have lived with my mental illness long enough to accept and try to understand. I don’t understand what makes people what they are or how they’re defined beyond our social roles. I don’t understand fully what makes me… me the one thing I do know is I Can See Clearly when I start mentally declining I’m cognitively aware and can see this decline and the destruction it brings but I am helpless to stop it often times in therapy or in the hospital I wanted the bliss of ignorance. If I no longer believed in insanity would I no longer be insane? I think that is being blissfully unaware now as my mind has grown closer and closer and closer Devine blissfully unaware

My intelligence and thirst for knowledge is the only part of me I do not hate. Losing the ability to properly use the only good in me is terrifying. To completely lose touch with any rational reality, where dreams and reality begin to blur. I knew it was only a matter of time before my fractured and fragmented mind would take away the only good in me.

Funeral Playlists

Posted: May 31, 2016 in Uncategorized

A thought came to me during one of my darkest days, I wanted to create my own funeral playlist. This particular thought was not a revelation it is a fleeting thought I have had many times before, but for some reason this went beyond fleeting. I was fixated on finally creatung this crucial task. I felt that beyond the words in my books, this playlist would be my grandfinally.

I listened through all my songs quickly adding any song that spoke to me. Once this initial playlist was complete I went back and listened to each song, I took out any song which didn’t fit.

The strongest anchor forcing me to fight for life are leaving behind words or feelings unsaid; I have tried my best to explain my pain hoping the ones I love would sign off on this. Every song on my funeral playlist is a message, explanation, or words of farewell. Knowing my brain functions differently than most, I have always gone back and forth on playing the song along with its meaning. I wasn’t sure which would be better writing the posts and schedule a future date for people to read, but this seems cruel. As long as my mind allows it I may post the most important ones on another day.

“Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there-on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.”

“The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot.”

“Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.”

“The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.”

“It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known.”

Carl Sagan, Pale Blue Dot: A Vision of the Human Future In Space

The significance of our lives and our fragile planet is then determined only by our own wisdom and courage. We are the custodians of life’s meaning. We long for a Parent to care for us, to forgive us our errors, to save us from our childish mistakes. But knowledge is preferable to ignorance. Better by far to embrace the hard truth than a reassuring fable. If we crave some cosmic purpose, then let us find ourselves a worthy goal.

Ann Druyan suggests an experiment: Look back again at the pale blue dot of the preceding chapter. Take a good long look at it. Stare at the dot for any length of time and then try to convince yourself that God created the whole Universe for one of the 10 million or so species of life that inhabit that speck of dust. Now take it a step further: Imagine that everything was made just for a single shade of that species, or gender, or ethnic or religious subdivision. If this doesn’t strike you as unlikely, pick another dot. Imagine it to be inhabited by a different form of intelligent life. They, too, cherish the notion of a God who has created everything for their benefit. How seriously do you take their claim?

Riddle me this… riddle me that… what are you thinking? How do you feel?